Burned Haystack Halloween Edition: Monsters and Ghosts and Witches and Cats
Illustration credit: Patricia Coombs
Hi Haystackers!
Here’s a “Halloween Character Guide to Dating” I’ve put together for us. Ready?
Here we go . . . 🎃🧙♀️🐈⬛
This is a regular, emotionally-safe person.
This is a ghost.
This is a monster.
Now that we’ve introduced these characters, let’s explain their dynamics:
A regular, emotionally-safe person is a good thing.
Any person can turn into a ghost, which is not a great thing, but it’s not as bad as a monster. The monster is the worst. Monsters are mean, aggressive, deceitful, and toxic.
A monster can also turn into a ghost, but that’s actually preferable because while ghosts are frustrating and sometimes hurtful, they’re not overtly harmful or dangerous, like monsters.
Given the above, here are the rules:
If you are talking to a regular, emotionally-safe person, especially one who has been kind to you and/or one with whom you have a date scheduled or whom you have already met in person, you should not turn into a ghost. If you don’t want to date them (or continue dating them), you should tell them that you are not feeling it, and you should wish them well. A regular, emotionally-safe person will respect that and leave you alone.
If you are talking to a monster, then you, as a regular, emotionally safe person, have two options:
You can tell the monster you’re disconnecting and then block them immediately.
You can become a ghost, and simply disappear without a word. In the case of monsters, this is allowed, and it is not considered “ghosting”; it is considered “making a smart decision for yourself and your future.”
So what we’ve presented here is a scenario in which a ghost is conceived as a much more complex creature than typically portrayed in social media. Ghosts can be cruel and neglectful and infuriating, or they can be nimble and effective and smart; it depends upon their motives.
Put more simply:
🧍🏼♂️ > 👻 > 👹
This is the ranking.
Ideally, you want a regular, emotionally-safe person. If you don’t have that, the next best thing is a ghost—either them or you, it doesn’t matter. The WORST thing is a monster, so if you encounter a monster, then YOU turn into a ghost, and disappear yourself to safety.
Now we are ready to talk about NEXT-LEVEL HALLOWEEN CHARACTERS:
This is a witch:
You should definitely conduct yourself as a witch on the dating apps because witches are amazing. Here are some witch traits that will serve you well in this context:
Witches are intuitive, and they TRUST their intuition.
Witches are sharp-witted.
Witches do not tolerate nonsense.
Witches are confident because they are MAGICAL and they can FLY and CAST SPELLS and TURN MEN INTO FROGS.
Witches live in covens surrounded by their girlfriends, and they do not spend time with loser-boys; they prioritize their female friendships and their work and families, so they are never inclined to “settle” for unworthy men.
Witches have broomsticks to make quick departures when necessary, and they do NOT second-guess themselves when they feel like jumping on those broomsticks.
And lastly, witches have CATS:
Cats are excellent companions for witches, and apparently considered superior to men in most cases, if judging by every illustration of a witch I have ever seen. In the event a man *is* invited into the coven (or even near the coven), he must be vetted and accepted by the other coven members and by all of the cats.
Witchy woman here! I burn bridges and egos, flying high :)
I usually ghost a guy if he talks about sex before we’ve even met or on the first date. I block. If they have my number they inevitably text and say: “did I do something? It was going so well”. I never reply because if I have to explain, they’re not worth any more of my time.