Reader Question: How do I apply Burned Haystack when I am already in a serious, committed relationship?

This is both easy and hard to answer. It’s easy because I know the answer; it’s hard because I know the answer might hurt. Here’s my best attempt:

Toxic rhetorical patterns are toxic rhetorical patterns. They manifest in the first Hinge message, the first date, the family, the workplace, the friendship, and the decades-long marriage.

The longer they operate and circulate within relationship dynamics, the more entrenched they become. In rhetorical studies, we would say that “the discourses of toxicity (or control, or aggression, or whatever) become naturalized over time.” Once a discourse has become naturalized, it is extremely difficult to break out of because to be naturalized is to be invisible. It’s the proverbial water a fish swims in—so constant and ubiquitous that the fish fails to note its presence.

The reason red flag rhetorical patterns are so useful in Burned-Haystack-the-dating-method is that identifying them very early can save you from a world of hurt (and frequently overt abuse) in the long run. They truly are red flags at that point; you can see them, and they signal danger as they flap around in the wind.

If the red flags are in your house, though, they’re not so bright anymore, and they’re probably not waving in the wind. Instead, they have frayed into threads, and those threads have woven themselves into the carpets and draperies, entwined themselves in your clothing and your hair. It’s a much tougher scenario.

So what do you do, when Burned Haystack is not a dating method, but a magnifying glass or a mirror? I think there are a few options, but I think one thing is really important no matter what option you choose:

Denying reality makes people insane—literally. It’s better to live honestly and consciously in a shitty reality than to gaslight yourself into false narratives that serve others as you destroy yourself from the inside out.

I think it’s important that you allow yourself to see things as they actually are, even if it’s painful to confront, and regardless of what you decide to do about it (or not; I recognize that “just leave him” is not always the best or even a possible option).

I also realize there are people who will tell you something like this:

Read all about Burned Haystack. Discuss the method with your partner. Use the book as an artifact to confront the problems in your relationship.

I’m not going to advise that. I know that could be dangerous with some men. If there’s some outlier clueless dude out there who just needs to be shown the light as it reflects off my book and then he’ll magically evolve, then so be it, but I doubt that’s going to happen.

So here’s what I’d do:

Learn the patterns and then simply observe. Are you seeing them in your partner? Some are more dangerous than others. These are the ones I’d be most concerned about in a long-term relationship:

• Disciplinary/directive: this one is by far the most common and the most dangerous.

• Conditional decency: also high-danger, in my opinion, and likely to be associated with abusive patterns.

• Test and apologize: boundary violations are almost always present in abusive situations.

• Crazy-making communication: frequently associated with gaslighting and other forms of psychological manipulation.

• Were you at the Capitol on January 6th?: if your partner has been radicalized by red-pill aggression and stupidity, I believe he is dangerous.

• Looking for a tradwife: ditto if he’s suddenly pressuring you to “return to conservative values” or be “equally yoked” or “submit to his authority as the head of the family” or hand over your salary or give up your salary altogether or anything else that hurls you forcibly back to 1950; you are in an unstable and untenable situation.

• Everything I wrote above ⬆️ about the tradwife pattern also falls into the weaponized spirituality pattern.

I’m not in the business of advising people on their long-term relationships because I am not a therapist or psychologist. As a rhetorician, though, I can tell you that the rhetorical patterns I just referred to above tend to be associated with toxicity, dysfunction, manipulation, and in some cases abuse.

But maybe it’s not that bad . . .

Maybe he’s exhibiting “Are you my mother?” or behaving like a rescue pup or an Eeyore. Maybe he’s making you a “receptacle for randomness,” or become some annoying version of a “Fitness Bro.” These patterns might be irritating but not necessarily toxic or anything you’d want to end a relationship over. I don’t know.

What I do know is that clear-eyed information is affirming and empowering. I would much rather hear a woman say, “Yeah, my husband is a disciplinary / directive asshole and I’m deciding what to do about it” than watch a woman cover for him, defend his behavior, take ownership of it herself, or delude herself into thinking it’s okay. I’d rather a woman admit her husband got a little red-pilled and she’s now working around him than get sucked into the Manosphere herself and start participating in her own humiliation and disrespect.

If you start examining your long-term relationship through the lens of Burned Haystack and you find that there are entrenched and persistent toxic rhetorical patterns at play, talk to someone. Your friends, your female relatives, your therapist, your clergy-person if you trust them.

I believe that once you begin dwelling in and naming the truth—even if it’s a truth you hate—then other wise voices will affirm you in your newfound insight. And that alone is worth a lot. At the very least, even if you decide to remain in your relationship for now, you’ve named a truth and thrown out some lifelines. That’s huge. You’re building yourself a net. Maybe you just use it from time to time, a resting place where you’re safe and supported. Or maybe you take the big jump and the net is in place to catch you.

Having this net, this communion with other women, is vital. The Burned Haystack community is serving this purpose to some degree right now, and I’m currently building a new platform that will facilitate virtual and IRL meetups and also offer specialized discussion forums that focus on topics such as coercive control, spiritual abuse, grief, dating with disabilities, etc. (please stay tuned; more details coming soon).

At my book opener in Brooklyn, two women came through the signing line together. They’d connected through the Burned Haystack Facebook group as they were both emerging from lifetimes of religious abuse. Their relief (and genuine joy) in finding each other and forming this friendship was palpable on their faces. I didn’t even ask if either of them were dating, and it never came up; I was just so happy to see them together.

I know that a LOT of pain preceded that happiness, and a lot of difficult truth-facing must have served as the bridge from isolated pain to that comforting friendship; I only saw them on the other side of the bridge, but it was a beautiful thing to see.

If you’re still residing on the painful side, mired in fear and conflict and confusion, first: I am sorry. ((🩵)) I truly don’t know if this method or my book makes things easier or harder, at least initially. I also don’t know if you should cross that bridge. But I do know that just by virtue of asking the question in the title, you’ve already seen glimpses of something and had the courage to name it, and you’re already part of this community. No matter what you decide to do, those things remain, and they make you smarter and stronger. And I hope it’s okay for me to speak for all the women in this community and say that we’ll be here for you regardless of what you decide to do. ❤️