Should You "Test" Your Dates?

Yes and no . . .

A Burned Haystack community member shared this post and queried the group about how we feel about this tactic:

My response to this is complex. I’m not opposed on ethical grounds to intentionally testing men. Maybe I should be, but I’m not; Burned Haystack is grounded in rhetorical efficacy, not moral purity, and rhetorical tests can be highly accurate and revealing.

The problem with the test described above is that I don’t think it’s necessarily testing what people think it’s testing.

I just ran this hypothetical by three men whom I believe to be highly datable; they’re all evolved, liberal, intelligent, and kind.

Here is exactly what I said to them:

“Imagine you’ve connected with a woman on a dating app and you’re having a good conversation, and you decide to ask her out. You say, ‘Would you like to meet for coffee sometime?’ She responds and says, ‘No, I don’t want to do that. How about a hike?’ Would you want to continue the interaction?”

All three of them said they would not. When I asked why, they offered these reasons:

“I’d assume she just wasn’t that into me. If a woman I really liked asked me to do anything I’d just say yes regardless of what it is, even if I didn’t want to do it, just because I wanted to be with her.”

“That’s a really socially-awkward way to respond to an invitation, without giving any reason. I value people who are good with other people and who take other people’s feelings into consideration, and this doesn’t sound like that. I wouldn’t be angry or anything, but I just don’t think I’d want to continue the interaction at that point. If she’s willing to make me uncomfortable for no reason I assume she’s going to do that with a lot of people.”

“I love coffee. I don’t think I could date anyone who wouldn’t go to a coffee shop with me.”

I tend to agree with these men. If I pitched an idea to a man and he responded this way, I think I’d be out too. Not because I’m toxic or enraged or controlling, but just because I don’t want to date someone who’s that socially awkward. It would be too annoying and too much of a professional liability for me.

Are there ways you CAN employ this test?

Yes, but they have to be authentic, and at least include a provision or implication for a reason. Here are some examples:

Man: “Would you be okay exchanging cell phone numbers?”
Woman: “I don’t think quite yet.”

Man: “Would you like to come over to my place, and I can cook?”
Woman: “I’d actually prefer to go out somewhere.”

Man: “Are you up for a hike this Sunday?”
Woman: “Not really, but I’d love to meet for coffee.”

It’s not that people don’t have the right to just say say “no” without any reason; of course everyone has that right.

But if you’re on a dating app, regardless of gender, at least part of your goal should be to present yourself as a reasonable and reasonably-pleasant person. I’m not saying this as some kind of paternalistic mandate or misogynistic guideline; I’m saying it as someone who doesn’t want you to start engaging in tricks that are going to work against you.

In the case of the three men I just queried about this, a careless application of this testing method would result in your losing the chance of matching with a solid, datable man.

The truth is that there are PLENTY of opportunities to say no to a man, so just let them arise authentically: he suggests barbecue and you’re vegan; he suggests meeting for drinks at 8 pm on a Tuesday, and you’re exhausted from working and parenting all day; he suggests going to a professional football game and you hate professional football.

Here’s the other factor this test ignores:

Toxic men will lose their shit at the faintest hint of rejection or lack of cooperation even if you DO have a good reason; that’s just how they operate. It’s not necessary to test them in some sort of weird, context-less way.

What all of this comes back to, therefore, is basic common sense and good manners. Solid, datable people offer reasons to reject non-problematic invitations (regardless of gender), and solid, datable people do not explode in anger when someone tells them “no” (regardless of gender).

Thoughts?