Strike the Match: Five signs that a man is about to waste your time
A sneak peek at five rhetorical patterns
Welcome back to my weekly Burn the Haystack book countdown! We’re less than a month away from launch date! If you haven’t yet, please consider pre-ordering the book today (pre-orders are the MOST powerful orders when it comes to bestseller status, so this is a concrete way to help if you’re willing ❤️). Then submit your receipt and save your spot at my free virtual book event before the big release day!
This week is a crash course on five rhetorical patterns.
Five signs that man is about to waste your time
Burn the Haystack outlines 33 rhetorical patterns to help you vet men’s dating profiles. Each pattern serves as a cheat code for navigating the apps, so you can get rid of problematic men immediately and protect your time, energy, and peace.
Here’s a sneak peek at five rhetorical patterns and what they can sound like on dating apps. If you’ve been here a while, you’ve likely had some practice spotting these. Please share some of your real-life encounters in the comments below!
5. Blue Ribbon for Bare Minimum
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. These guys want a lot of credit for having a job, a home, clean sheets, and a full set of teeth. (I wish I was joking.) They’ve set the bar way too low for themselves.
4. Bombastic Syntax
These messages are vague, over the top with flowery language, and so abstract that it’s hard to follow what they are saying. It’s usually an indicator that they are scammers or men using AI to help them communicate. This is straight-up B.S.
3. I’m A Very Busy Man
Leading with “I’m a very busy man” language — “I have a busy life and a demanding job, but I can make time for the right woman!” — in advance of meeting you signals that you’ll never be a priority and assumes that his time is more valuable than yours.
2. Test and Apologize
A comment is thrown out early on, usually sexual, to test the boundaries. When you call him out, he’ll immediately backtrack on his comment. “Oh whoa! I was only kidding!” or “Sorry I don’t usually behave like that!” The test is always real; the apology is not.
1. Disciplinary/Directive
This pattern is simply a man telling a woman how to be, and I’d rank it as the most toxic pattern on the dating apps. The directive often appears right in the bio. The most important thing about them is that they are telling you what to do, who to be, or how to act before they’ve even met you. This can be in-your-face or incredibly sneaky. Let me give you an example:
“In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” - Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
“You must allow me” is a big, fat red-flag directive. Sure it sounds nice and maybe a bit romantic, but the rhetorical pattern is still there: he’s telling you how to behave. Absolutely not, Mr. Darcy. You’re out.
If you see any of these patterns, block him immediately, even if he’s not behaving badly (what I enthusiastically coin as Block-to-Burn). If you only pass them on, the guy will keep showing up in the apps, which is a waste of your time and precious profile real estate.
Pre-order Burn the Haystack and get the full list of rhetorical patterns to help you spot the tricky red flags on the dating apps in the pursuit of finding better men who are worth your time.
Ready to strike the match?
The latest events and opportunities to support the Burn the Haystack book launch:
Pre-order your copy of Burn the Haystack. Take your pick from your favorite retailer. Want a signed copy? Submit an order through Boswell, a local Wisconsin bookstore.
Get on the virtual event guest list. Submit your pre-order receipt to save your spot for the live virtual event on Monday, April 6th. Join me online from my New York hotel room for Q&A, camaraderie, and a collective good riddance to the men who made this method necessary.
Come see me in person! I’m thrilled to announce the locations for The Burn the Haystack book tour. Click the links below for event details and ticket information.
April 14: Milwaukee, WI at Boswell Books
April 16th: Cleveland, OH at Cuyahoga Library (North Royalton Branch)
April 21st: San Rafael, CA at Rodef Sholom
May 2nd: Naperville, IL at Anderson’s Bookshop
May 11th: Denver, CO at Tattered Cover: More details coming soon!
With gratitude,
Jennie
One sign I’m about to love what I read: Jennie Young wrote it.
Book pre-ordered months ago!
I had a guy who kept wanting to talk about sex when we hadn’t even met. I told him that wouldn’t be a subject until after we’d met. He said okay, and then proceeded to say things like “I’m going to imagine us cumming together tonight.” I ignored it, when I should have B2B’d him at the first mention.
We ended up agreeing to meet, at which point he gave me his full name, Facebook, place of work, etc. He then said “Now that I’ve given you all of that, you better not be crazy, and now do I get a blow job or a nudie pic or something?” I didn’t respond and a few minutes later I get “Oh, come on, you know I was joking.” I told him I didn’t know he was joking because I didn’t know him, and it was only THEN I blocked him. Wasted several days messaging with him.
I’ve also seen his profile repeatedly after this, where he claims he’s emotionally intelligent and some other nice sounding things, when he’s an utter creep and boundary stomper.