Alysa Liu Just Delivered a Master Class in Taking Control: Here's How to Apply it to Your Dating Life

or any aspect of your life

Image credit: Matthew Stockman

Here were her terms for returning to the ice:

I wanted to share that post because it contains an important narrative, but let’s also isolate just the terms here:

1. She picks the music.

2. She has full control over how she looks.

3. She gets to eat whatever she wants. Her coaches can’t starve her anymore.

4. The choreography will be a collaborative effort w/ her, she gets to put elements in that she wants to.

5. She decides when she needs a break from training, never pushing past her limit.

6. And her father has to keep his controlling ass out of her art. She said ‘I love you dad, but you’re not allowed back in.’
   

Now let’s talk about how you can employ a similar strategy in your own life. Here are the lessons:

1. Set the CONDITIONS. Relinquish the outcome. I’m going to say that again: Set the CONDITIONS. Relinquish the outcome.

2. Make the terms clear and concrete, and narrow them to a number that’s manageable. Liu had six, and that’s a good number; I wouldn’t recommend more, or you dilute the mission and probably sabotage yourself.

3. Be sure the terms are relevant and appropriate TO YOU. Not what you think you should want or need, not what you think is healthy or powerful or feminist or any other label that’s not precisely, unapologetically about you. For example, when asked about her choice to wear the gold dress, Liu responded, “If I fell on every jump, I would still be wearing this dress …. I don’t need this,” she said about the hunk of gold. “But what I needed was the stage, and I got that, so I was all good no matter what happened.” So that’s important. Figure out what you need and what you don’t actually care about.
   

Okay, so those are the lessons. I did something similar when I started dating again, after a hiatus while I was building Burned Haystack. These were my conditions:

1. I would not be in a relationship with a man who required me to compromise or sacrifice my professional goals (whether he was doing that overtly or tacitly).

2. I would not do anything I didn’t want to do physically/sexually. I stretch my boundaries in all kinds of ways almost every day, but I would not do so in this domain; it’s too destructive.

3. I would not be in a relationship with a man who exhibited even a hint of male jealousy or control. I decided I didn’t even care if I was right; the fact that I sensed it would be enough (and for the record, I know I’d be right; all women are right when we sense these things).

4. If I felt any negative physical/nervous system symptoms at all, I would call it (these vary by person, but I know exactly what mine are, and I know they’re trustworthy, and I know I’m never again willing to live in a situation that sets them off).
   

That’s it. Four clear conditions that I would trust to guide my decisions, and here’s the really important part:

I set the CONDITIONS and I relinquished the outcome. I was (and still am) fully prepared to be single for the rest of my life rather than compromise my conditions.

My conditions are informed, and vital, and protective. I would compromise on all kinds of other factors—on geography, on certain living conditions, etc. (e.g. I am spending large swaths of my life in a rural community that offers zero vegetarian options and almost no fresh produce, and last weekend I was sleeping in a hotel bed WITH two bird dogs (this did not last, lol; they got kicked out, but previously I wouldn’t have even entertained such a thing). What I’m saying is that you need to differentiate between preference and survival (emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, whatever), and then you set your terms for survival.

I hope this article has offered a worthwhile thought exercise, and I invite you to share your own conditions in the comments. 🔥❤️