No one meets my 11 year old until I've known/dated them for a minimum of 1 year. I catch so much shit for this (my most passionate condition) from men and, surprisingly, women friends/acquaintances. It's a hard-earned condition that will bend for no one. There are others, of course, but this one has caused many "good guys" to boundary test at the 2 month mark (before we're even committed). Entitlement demands access and loathes waiting.
I'm on the other side of that - I'm childfree and have a rule that I won't meet children unless we've been dating for at least 6 months and have agreed we're on the same page, and the tantrums men have thrown over that! The accusations that I don't want to be a part of their lives, that I don't want to know the most important person to them, that I hate children! The reality is, as an adult, I had to wade through residual trauma around my dad's prolific dating life, and I don't want to be part of doing that to another child. They often can't comprehend that, though, and I end up feeling very bad for their children.
Thank you for being so protective in this to your kiddo. They will thank you when they're older. <3
That, and, it also feels performative when introductions to the kids are done right away, esp from many men. “Look! I show up and do the bare minimum expected of me as a divorced father! Isn’t that just sooooo sexy?” Nope! Sexy is waiting to introduce me until we’re reasonably sure it’s safe for your kid to get attached.
My pet peeve is the divorced-dad types who expect a cookie for having primary custody. I'm a lawyer, I know what passes for justice in the courts, and when I encounter such a man, I'm not thinking "What a prince among men!" I'm thinking, "This is a man who ripped a child away from his/her mother so that he wouldn't have to pay child support."
And unsurprisingly, the men I know IRL who fit this profile are the same men who try to pressure every woman who will go out on a date with them to become an insta-mommy. (Note here: I am NOT child-free and I don't dislike children--I have 5 of them myself. But it's beyond inappropriate, and certainly damaging to the child, to maintain a rotation of new mommies.) Because many such men have no real interest in parenting.
That makes so much sense. With our busy lives, one year adult dating doesn't compare to high school dating where you see each other for hours every day. Seriously, add the (awake) hours you spend with a guy over three months - it might not add up to a working week. If someone cannot wait and accept boundaries to keep your kid safe from getting attached too early, they aren't the right person for you.
Thank you for this. I have contemplated this issue. I don’t really want my children meeting anyone unless it’s very serious. I am supposed to protect them and I don’t want them to get emotionally attached then we call it quits. It’s not fair to the children and any man who doesn’t understand this should go away. I’m proud of you for standing up to them.
I have a 15 y/o daughter and opted out of dating when her father and I split 8 years ago. I’ve waivers a few times, male friends from many moons ago come out of the woodwork and seem exceptional. Every one had failed the, “you need to wait” criteria. On the flip side, my daughter’s father has had multiple relationships since we split and in spite my many requests that he wait, introduces my daughter within the first couple months. I applaud his optimism but when he and the new gf split around the 2y mark, my daughter is devastated. I’ve had to comfort her too many times through this heartbreak. It just isn’t worth it for me. He’s taking a hiatus as well… better late than never.
Ex rushed in with a woman younger than his 2 adult children from his first marriage. They are 2 years together at this point. Daughter is very attached. I worry about this happening but it will not be on my end.
Argh. I keep repeating my mantra: I can’t protect her, but I can support her so she is prepared to those days. And yeah, agreed, will not be the one to subject my kid to this.
Wow, shocking you’ve received flack for that. Why should you expose your child to someone you’re unsure about? What would that teach your child?
Personally, I’ve decided to never marry without having dated the person for at least 2 years minimum and have seen how they handle anger, inconvenience, illness, distance, etc.. I’ve had several relationships where the men kept the momentum of the facade until we reached close to the year mark. A year tends to be the mask’s breaking point for some.
I dated one guy for 2 months and his true colors came flying. It depends on the person, for sure. Time is definitely a truth-teller. Awareness is also key.
Thank goodness. Must have been relieving to learn what he was really like only 2 months in! Awareness, absolutely and how we orient ourselves to the information we’ve gathered to exit safely. Happy haystack burning!
And in that one overhead photo that's been circulating, that one spectacular, beautiful photo of her during a spin, you can plainly see it on her face - the sheer, soul-deep joy that skating brings to her.
I love that photo, and I have it saved on my phone to look at whenever I need to be reminded of what I'm striving for.
I love this. She's sooooo inspiring. I see this in all the images of her, and I had a REALLY hard time deciding which one to use for the cover image in this article!
"Relinquish the outcome" is substantive life advice. I'm incredibly fortunate because for as far back as I can remember, I didn't generally give a rat's patoot about what other people thought of me. I remember being three, four, five years old and hearing some adult say something and thinking, "Actually, that kinda sounds like bullshit." I do probably 90% of what I do because I WANT TO DO IT FOR ME, not because it's required or expected. I have written six books — including a book of humor re: online dating that I dedicated to Jennie and the Haystackers — and none of them have sold more than about 100 copies, and I DON'T CARE. I wrote my books because I WANTED TO WRITE BOOKS.
I was talking with my 90-year old dad a few months back about how being stubborn and contrary has served me really, really well over the years. Because these personality features weren't always delightful for my parents, he rolled his eyes and laughed. I said, "Listen, especially in high school and college, being built this way was a lifesaver. I would look around and think, 'Oh, so all my peers are losing their virginity to randos and drinking too much and smoking pot and generally being idiots?' And solely because I have pretty much always been allergic to following the crowd, I thought, 'Yep, that stuff's not for me.' And that turned out to be protective in the best possible way; I didn't do things I wasn't interested in or ready for.' " And my dad admitted that I made an excellent point.
Love this, not only her boundaries and ultimate success, but your articulating your dating boundaries (and ultimate success).
Reading your list, I see where I went wrong for so long: I did not have condition 4. I had no problem prioritizing my professional goals, drawing physical/sexualboundaries, refusing to deal with controlling or jealous men. All of those my intellect handled. But I didn't listen to my own nervous system! Still learning that one, for which your burned haystack dating methods has been extremely helpful. I can now acknowledge the ick factor, then breakdown the rhetorical patterns, visual, and verbal to give myself a rational explanation for what I'm feeling. My goal now is simply to first accept my gut feelings, then let my brain figure out the why.
Thank you, Jennie! Wish I'd had the fortitude at 16 to declare my independence, but old dogs can learn new trick tricks! Thank you.
I now feel that trivializing "the ick" is misogynistic. It's leveraged against women as another way we're "too picky," when in actuality I suspect it's a deep-structure evolutionary superpower. I fully believe all women should listen to the ick (which might be the title of my next substack article, lol).
I 100% agree. It’s not ‘the idk’ because a guy (I just looked up online examples) pulled a push door or dances badly. Those aren’t icky things. They’re just minor annoyances. I think the ick is a form of gut-instinct thin slicing - someone who eats with their mouth open or has bad hygiene is uncaring of how that impacts on others and is fundamentally inconsiderate. I’ve only had it with a guy who put his hand over my mouth to stop me talking. I don’t mind him wanting me to shut up. But dude, you just ASK! (I felt HORRIBLY unsafe, even though I wasn’t)
But aren't there at least two types of ick? There's the protective ick that is our gut telling us to back away from something problematic. And there's the ick that makes some of us repulsed by great guys/men who feel "too" nice and available and genuinely accepting of us. The second ick needs to be reined in by people who have unacknowledged unavailability issues, like I realized I had after years of self-reflection.
I've heard intuition / gut feeling explained as subconscious pattern recognition. I think we pick up a lot subconsciously in people's facial expressions, body language, reactions, tone of voice etc. 'The ick' seems like 'just a feeling', but I believe it's a product of this largely subconsciously process, and becomes more accurate with experience. Deep self-reflection can elucidate the process to some extent, but looking back over my life and all those times when that alarm pinged and I ignored it, I generally obey it now.
Good articles on "the ick" and figuring out our physical response to a relationship? Googling it produced cosmopolitan and women's health articles. Thanks in advance!
I agree with all of this, and yet stumble at the finish line: "I was (and still am) fully prepared to be single for the rest of my life rather than compromise my conditions." While that is what I am doing - I have my conditions, and I'm sticking to them, even though that means many relationships ending and long long stretches of being single -- I am not "fully prepared" for it, nor am I happy about it. I am not able to truly let go of the hope that I might have a long-term, truly supportive and loving romantic partnership or of the belief that I will be happier and have more meaning in my life if I do find this.
I invest in my life and it is as good as it can be without that partnership, because I have been alone for most of my adult life (I also do not have family, so I've REALLY doubled down on friendships, community, and creative passions). But I cannot seem to let go of the deep, existential yearning to find love no matter which tack I take (therapy, spirituality, artistic passions, community building, etc.). I envy the women who have found true peace in giving up trying to date or are really happier alone. I just don't know how to get there.
Look at it more from the track of "I would rather be alone than compromise myself." Because if you can't find that while being yourself with your values and needs met, then would the relationship be worth it? You would rather be alone than settle for less than your needs. Being alone isn't about giving up hope of finding something more. It's being okay with not settling for less.
I so relate with this and am so tired of the advice to just give up on something I would have really liked to have. And it's always the people in long relationships who seem to love to give this advice! It still makes me sad. So here's my strategy - I've chunked it up a bit - just for today - or just for this week - or just for this afternoon - if I wasn't looking for love, what would I really want to do? It's been nice and a gentler low stakes way to get more in touch with what I desire at least right now...instead of thinking well, I'll be single forever so how is that going to look? That's not fun.
this a million times over. It's so not helpful to hear advice from long-term couples about how to live your best single life. I already do that! But I want something I don't have (a secure, long-term healthy partnership) and have never truly had, and while I've tried to kill this desire I just can't (literally: I've contemplated becoming a Buddhist nun, as I am a practicng Buddhist). What's really hard for me is walking tightrope of dating. Hoping, putting myself out there, and dating itself makes my life and my mental health much worse -- but as my therapist says, you can't get into a relationship without taking risks. So we go around the merry-go-round again.
If something makes our life and mental health worse, it's self sabotage to keep doing it. Many women , of all ages,still, sadly... Have been socially conditioned by the "traditional" ,ie patriarchical oppression that a woman is not enough in her own right. Our happiness is not tied to men, to somehow finding that unicorn after years of finding nothing but emotionally illiterate, damaging men. Online dating is the biggest corporate scam ever, because it sells " high risk/ non existent reward' . Look up the success rates recently on O.L.D. About 4% of UK users find a 6 month relationship. There's no "risk" worth our mental health, for a 4% chance of a 6 month " relationship". With respect, your therapist is promoting self sabotage. From a 55 year old, single by choice for 24 years, always marriage free & childfree by choice and no family whatsoever since age 13. Happiness really is an inside job.
Note also (not that I should have to defend myself here) that I am not on the dating apps, have taken many years off of actively dating, and that all of the dating that has happened recently is the old-fashioned way of meeting people in the wild. But that can still hurt!
It's hurtful to shame someone for wanting a relationship, especially in the context of a community built around the Burned Haystack DATING Method, which is designed for people who are trying to date. If someone does not want a relationship, they are in a different boat. Acknowledging that dating is hard and destabilizing when it goes poorly (which is often, because just...odds) does not equate to self-sabotage and I don't think it's wise for untrained people to offer psychological advice.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel the same way. SO lonely despite a full life. I will say that having standards has not made this situation any worse than it was before I found BHDM. I was lonely then, too, except back then it was coupled with abuse. But that doesn't make today's loneliness any less painful.
Not sure if this is gonna help or hurt. Marriage #1 was old for the time (25 in 1991). By 1997 that marriage was untenable for reasons outside of my control. I am straight, my partner was not. He also ran away to join the Dot Com circus (IYKYK) I had to let that go via divorce (and wrangle him one last time). Marriage #2 is still going strong, but my spousipus has health conditions that are beyond our ability to control. If there's an after, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
When I was a teenager, my mother told me that I would have to learn how to be a little more..."diplomatic" or I would never find a husband. I looked at her marriage (my father was an alcoholic and an emotional abuser) and set a few conditions for myself. I would not change myself to make myself attractive to any man. I would not accept a long term relationship with someone who would expect me to be a trad wife. I would not suppress my own voice. What I told my mother was that any man who didn't love me as I am is not a man I would choose to spend my life with. And behold: I met Michael and we've been married for 49 wonderful years. Recently I asked him why he love me. He said, "Because you get me." Funny thing, I love him for the same reason.
The interesting part is, Mom remarried after Dad died and found a true partner who didn’t require her to be “diplomatic.” So I’ve forgiven her (and always loved her too).
I share 2 and 3 with you. I will not move for a man, my family, friends and community are essential to my wellbeing. I cannot leave a 100 relationships for 1 relationship with a man.
This! I ain't going nowhere! Just kidding with the grammar. I am southern 😂 But that summed up perfectly as we have many relationships here! Also I don't have the job to drive LD either. My hands are FULL!
This post is gold (pardon the pun :)). I love your conditions and your last needs to be my first: I am recovering from an abusive relationship where my body warned me but my mind ignored the many warning indicators. I must have my partner respect my need for a slow pace with respect to both physical and emotional intimacy. I also need someone who celebrates my wins and supports my friendships.
Not prepared to run around after a man's hobby. Been doing that for child - my head is full of competitions, qualifying times as well as the financial cost. While I am making the most of it - trying to enjoy trips to various city venues, I don't want to drop that and do it for a grown adult I am unrelated to.
I was not aware of her story. I do recall hearing that she didn't care about the medals, that she was there to "show the world her art." And that was inspiring all by itself. But knowing all of this makes it an even better story and triumph! I'm so proud of her!
I watched an interview with her during the Olympics, and in discussing her training regimen and how much she loves skating, she added, "But I mean I'm not on a diet or anything." 🙌
Thank you Jennie. I recently got dumped by a man who initially seemed like my needle and who I’d completely fallen for after only a month. But then he began asking me to compromise my autonomy and I felt controlled and consumed. And when I refused to budge on that boundary he promptly dumped me! I was heartbroken and so unsure if I’d done the right thing holding firm, but this post helped me realise that I did because I am no longer willing to abandon myself for the sake of not being alone. Thank you 🙏🏼 And this came after I recently ended an emotionally abusive marriage filled with so much coercive control!
My conditions are:
1. He respects my autonomy and boundaries - without entitlement. He accepts my available time, understands that plans may need to be flexible as a single mum of two, and respects my boundaries around my body. He does not act entitled to my time, my energy, my access, or my physical intimacy. He does not try to control, dominate, consume, or pressure me.
2. He builds connection slowly and safely. He does not rush intensity, future talk, or emotional merging. He allows trust and intimacy to unfold at a pace that feels grounded and mutual.
3. He continues to date and cherish me - before and after intimacy. He invests effort, takes me on dates, and makes me feel valued and chosen. I feel desired and respected, not objectified or taken for granted.
4. He shows consistent, unconditional decency. He does not centre his feelings above mine, weaponise vulnerability, or hold double standards around men and women. He can tolerate “no,” hear feedback, and repair without retaliation.
5. He respects my authority as a mother. He honours how I choose to parent, understands he will have a supportive role, and recognises that my children’s wellbeing comes first. He role models a healthy, equitable relationship dynamic.
6. He adds calm, joy, and expansion to my life. Being with him feels peaceful, not activating. He supports my independence, friendships, and growth. I feel more myself with him, not less.
I agree wholeheartedly. My only comment is to create your list focused on what you DO want (like Alyssa), not what you do NOT want. By focusing on what you DO want, you're creating a positive attraction and will get matching results. Energy cannot distinguish between good or bad... the activation happens only with what is being thought about and talked about. Cheers to positive lists!
No one meets my 11 year old until I've known/dated them for a minimum of 1 year. I catch so much shit for this (my most passionate condition) from men and, surprisingly, women friends/acquaintances. It's a hard-earned condition that will bend for no one. There are others, of course, but this one has caused many "good guys" to boundary test at the 2 month mark (before we're even committed). Entitlement demands access and loathes waiting.
I'm on the other side of that - I'm childfree and have a rule that I won't meet children unless we've been dating for at least 6 months and have agreed we're on the same page, and the tantrums men have thrown over that! The accusations that I don't want to be a part of their lives, that I don't want to know the most important person to them, that I hate children! The reality is, as an adult, I had to wade through residual trauma around my dad's prolific dating life, and I don't want to be part of doing that to another child. They often can't comprehend that, though, and I end up feeling very bad for their children.
Thank you for being so protective in this to your kiddo. They will thank you when they're older. <3
I'd be very worried that any man acting like this is unable/unwilling to take care of his children himself.
That, and, it also feels performative when introductions to the kids are done right away, esp from many men. “Look! I show up and do the bare minimum expected of me as a divorced father! Isn’t that just sooooo sexy?” Nope! Sexy is waiting to introduce me until we’re reasonably sure it’s safe for your kid to get attached.
My pet peeve is the divorced-dad types who expect a cookie for having primary custody. I'm a lawyer, I know what passes for justice in the courts, and when I encounter such a man, I'm not thinking "What a prince among men!" I'm thinking, "This is a man who ripped a child away from his/her mother so that he wouldn't have to pay child support."
And unsurprisingly, the men I know IRL who fit this profile are the same men who try to pressure every woman who will go out on a date with them to become an insta-mommy. (Note here: I am NOT child-free and I don't dislike children--I have 5 of them myself. But it's beyond inappropriate, and certainly damaging to the child, to maintain a rotation of new mommies.) Because many such men have no real interest in parenting.
That makes so much sense. With our busy lives, one year adult dating doesn't compare to high school dating where you see each other for hours every day. Seriously, add the (awake) hours you spend with a guy over three months - it might not add up to a working week. If someone cannot wait and accept boundaries to keep your kid safe from getting attached too early, they aren't the right person for you.
That stinks that you even get pushback from women on this! I'm childfree and still totally understand this boundary. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I agree with you 100% and anyone that pushes back can suck it!
Thank you for this. I have contemplated this issue. I don’t really want my children meeting anyone unless it’s very serious. I am supposed to protect them and I don’t want them to get emotionally attached then we call it quits. It’s not fair to the children and any man who doesn’t understand this should go away. I’m proud of you for standing up to them.
I have a 15 y/o daughter and opted out of dating when her father and I split 8 years ago. I’ve waivers a few times, male friends from many moons ago come out of the woodwork and seem exceptional. Every one had failed the, “you need to wait” criteria. On the flip side, my daughter’s father has had multiple relationships since we split and in spite my many requests that he wait, introduces my daughter within the first couple months. I applaud his optimism but when he and the new gf split around the 2y mark, my daughter is devastated. I’ve had to comfort her too many times through this heartbreak. It just isn’t worth it for me. He’s taking a hiatus as well… better late than never.
Ex rushed in with a woman younger than his 2 adult children from his first marriage. They are 2 years together at this point. Daughter is very attached. I worry about this happening but it will not be on my end.
Argh. I keep repeating my mantra: I can’t protect her, but I can support her so she is prepared to those days. And yeah, agreed, will not be the one to subject my kid to this.
Wow, shocking you’ve received flack for that. Why should you expose your child to someone you’re unsure about? What would that teach your child?
Personally, I’ve decided to never marry without having dated the person for at least 2 years minimum and have seen how they handle anger, inconvenience, illness, distance, etc.. I’ve had several relationships where the men kept the momentum of the facade until we reached close to the year mark. A year tends to be the mask’s breaking point for some.
I dated one guy for 2 months and his true colors came flying. It depends on the person, for sure. Time is definitely a truth-teller. Awareness is also key.
Thank goodness. Must have been relieving to learn what he was really like only 2 months in! Awareness, absolutely and how we orient ourselves to the information we’ve gathered to exit safely. Happy haystack burning!
And in that one overhead photo that's been circulating, that one spectacular, beautiful photo of her during a spin, you can plainly see it on her face - the sheer, soul-deep joy that skating brings to her.
I love that photo, and I have it saved on my phone to look at whenever I need to be reminded of what I'm striving for.
I love this. She's sooooo inspiring. I see this in all the images of her, and I had a REALLY hard time deciding which one to use for the cover image in this article!
stealing this idea!!, it's a perfect perfect moment.
"Relinquish the outcome" is substantive life advice. I'm incredibly fortunate because for as far back as I can remember, I didn't generally give a rat's patoot about what other people thought of me. I remember being three, four, five years old and hearing some adult say something and thinking, "Actually, that kinda sounds like bullshit." I do probably 90% of what I do because I WANT TO DO IT FOR ME, not because it's required or expected. I have written six books — including a book of humor re: online dating that I dedicated to Jennie and the Haystackers — and none of them have sold more than about 100 copies, and I DON'T CARE. I wrote my books because I WANTED TO WRITE BOOKS.
I was talking with my 90-year old dad a few months back about how being stubborn and contrary has served me really, really well over the years. Because these personality features weren't always delightful for my parents, he rolled his eyes and laughed. I said, "Listen, especially in high school and college, being built this way was a lifesaver. I would look around and think, 'Oh, so all my peers are losing their virginity to randos and drinking too much and smoking pot and generally being idiots?' And solely because I have pretty much always been allergic to following the crowd, I thought, 'Yep, that stuff's not for me.' And that turned out to be protective in the best possible way; I didn't do things I wasn't interested in or ready for.' " And my dad admitted that I made an excellent point.
I can relate to all of this.
Could you DM me your book info? (I don't want a comment with the info getting flagged for being a self promotion)
Just did. Thank you!
Love this, not only her boundaries and ultimate success, but your articulating your dating boundaries (and ultimate success).
Reading your list, I see where I went wrong for so long: I did not have condition 4. I had no problem prioritizing my professional goals, drawing physical/sexualboundaries, refusing to deal with controlling or jealous men. All of those my intellect handled. But I didn't listen to my own nervous system! Still learning that one, for which your burned haystack dating methods has been extremely helpful. I can now acknowledge the ick factor, then breakdown the rhetorical patterns, visual, and verbal to give myself a rational explanation for what I'm feeling. My goal now is simply to first accept my gut feelings, then let my brain figure out the why.
Thank you, Jennie! Wish I'd had the fortitude at 16 to declare my independence, but old dogs can learn new trick tricks! Thank you.
I now feel that trivializing "the ick" is misogynistic. It's leveraged against women as another way we're "too picky," when in actuality I suspect it's a deep-structure evolutionary superpower. I fully believe all women should listen to the ick (which might be the title of my next substack article, lol).
I 100% agree. It’s not ‘the idk’ because a guy (I just looked up online examples) pulled a push door or dances badly. Those aren’t icky things. They’re just minor annoyances. I think the ick is a form of gut-instinct thin slicing - someone who eats with their mouth open or has bad hygiene is uncaring of how that impacts on others and is fundamentally inconsiderate. I’ve only had it with a guy who put his hand over my mouth to stop me talking. I don’t mind him wanting me to shut up. But dude, you just ASK! (I felt HORRIBLY unsafe, even though I wasn’t)
I had to make this quote into a sharable meme format. =)
Oh, yay!
But aren't there at least two types of ick? There's the protective ick that is our gut telling us to back away from something problematic. And there's the ick that makes some of us repulsed by great guys/men who feel "too" nice and available and genuinely accepting of us. The second ick needs to be reined in by people who have unacknowledged unavailability issues, like I realized I had after years of self-reflection.
I've heard intuition / gut feeling explained as subconscious pattern recognition. I think we pick up a lot subconsciously in people's facial expressions, body language, reactions, tone of voice etc. 'The ick' seems like 'just a feeling', but I believe it's a product of this largely subconsciously process, and becomes more accurate with experience. Deep self-reflection can elucidate the process to some extent, but looking back over my life and all those times when that alarm pinged and I ignored it, I generally obey it now.
Good articles on "the ick" and figuring out our physical response to a relationship? Googling it produced cosmopolitan and women's health articles. Thanks in advance!
If all women did this, men would be forced to change, and the world would get better.
Yup. It's happening already to some degree, and we haystackers are helping it to happen. 🔥
Yes, thank you for helping us make it happen!
I agree with all of this, and yet stumble at the finish line: "I was (and still am) fully prepared to be single for the rest of my life rather than compromise my conditions." While that is what I am doing - I have my conditions, and I'm sticking to them, even though that means many relationships ending and long long stretches of being single -- I am not "fully prepared" for it, nor am I happy about it. I am not able to truly let go of the hope that I might have a long-term, truly supportive and loving romantic partnership or of the belief that I will be happier and have more meaning in my life if I do find this.
I invest in my life and it is as good as it can be without that partnership, because I have been alone for most of my adult life (I also do not have family, so I've REALLY doubled down on friendships, community, and creative passions). But I cannot seem to let go of the deep, existential yearning to find love no matter which tack I take (therapy, spirituality, artistic passions, community building, etc.). I envy the women who have found true peace in giving up trying to date or are really happier alone. I just don't know how to get there.
Look at it more from the track of "I would rather be alone than compromise myself." Because if you can't find that while being yourself with your values and needs met, then would the relationship be worth it? You would rather be alone than settle for less than your needs. Being alone isn't about giving up hope of finding something more. It's being okay with not settling for less.
I so relate with this and am so tired of the advice to just give up on something I would have really liked to have. And it's always the people in long relationships who seem to love to give this advice! It still makes me sad. So here's my strategy - I've chunked it up a bit - just for today - or just for this week - or just for this afternoon - if I wasn't looking for love, what would I really want to do? It's been nice and a gentler low stakes way to get more in touch with what I desire at least right now...instead of thinking well, I'll be single forever so how is that going to look? That's not fun.
this a million times over. It's so not helpful to hear advice from long-term couples about how to live your best single life. I already do that! But I want something I don't have (a secure, long-term healthy partnership) and have never truly had, and while I've tried to kill this desire I just can't (literally: I've contemplated becoming a Buddhist nun, as I am a practicng Buddhist). What's really hard for me is walking tightrope of dating. Hoping, putting myself out there, and dating itself makes my life and my mental health much worse -- but as my therapist says, you can't get into a relationship without taking risks. So we go around the merry-go-round again.
If something makes our life and mental health worse, it's self sabotage to keep doing it. Many women , of all ages,still, sadly... Have been socially conditioned by the "traditional" ,ie patriarchical oppression that a woman is not enough in her own right. Our happiness is not tied to men, to somehow finding that unicorn after years of finding nothing but emotionally illiterate, damaging men. Online dating is the biggest corporate scam ever, because it sells " high risk/ non existent reward' . Look up the success rates recently on O.L.D. About 4% of UK users find a 6 month relationship. There's no "risk" worth our mental health, for a 4% chance of a 6 month " relationship". With respect, your therapist is promoting self sabotage. From a 55 year old, single by choice for 24 years, always marriage free & childfree by choice and no family whatsoever since age 13. Happiness really is an inside job.
Note also (not that I should have to defend myself here) that I am not on the dating apps, have taken many years off of actively dating, and that all of the dating that has happened recently is the old-fashioned way of meeting people in the wild. But that can still hurt!
It's hurtful to shame someone for wanting a relationship, especially in the context of a community built around the Burned Haystack DATING Method, which is designed for people who are trying to date. If someone does not want a relationship, they are in a different boat. Acknowledging that dating is hard and destabilizing when it goes poorly (which is often, because just...odds) does not equate to self-sabotage and I don't think it's wise for untrained people to offer psychological advice.
I am in a similar boat. I have a very rich and meaningful life. I’m content, even happy, and yet the “existential yearning” is there. Always.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel the same way. SO lonely despite a full life. I will say that having standards has not made this situation any worse than it was before I found BHDM. I was lonely then, too, except back then it was coupled with abuse. But that doesn't make today's loneliness any less painful.
Not sure if this is gonna help or hurt. Marriage #1 was old for the time (25 in 1991). By 1997 that marriage was untenable for reasons outside of my control. I am straight, my partner was not. He also ran away to join the Dot Com circus (IYKYK) I had to let that go via divorce (and wrangle him one last time). Marriage #2 is still going strong, but my spousipus has health conditions that are beyond our ability to control. If there's an after, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
When I was a teenager, my mother told me that I would have to learn how to be a little more..."diplomatic" or I would never find a husband. I looked at her marriage (my father was an alcoholic and an emotional abuser) and set a few conditions for myself. I would not change myself to make myself attractive to any man. I would not accept a long term relationship with someone who would expect me to be a trad wife. I would not suppress my own voice. What I told my mother was that any man who didn't love me as I am is not a man I would choose to spend my life with. And behold: I met Michael and we've been married for 49 wonderful years. Recently I asked him why he love me. He said, "Because you get me." Funny thing, I love him for the same reason.
🥹 LOVE this. And it means even more since I get to regularly appreciate you two crazy kids on Facebook. ❤️
My mom likes the word “diplomatic,” too. Her use of this word gives me the ick. (But I love my mom!)
The interesting part is, Mom remarried after Dad died and found a true partner who didn’t require her to be “diplomatic.” So I’ve forgiven her (and always loved her too).
I share 2 and 3 with you. I will not move for a man, my family, friends and community are essential to my wellbeing. I cannot leave a 100 relationships for 1 relationship with a man.
Yup-agree!! I've heard far too many horror stories on this one!
I love this framing: "I cannot leave a 100 relationships for 1 relationship with a man." And yet this is exactly what patriarchy wants us to do.
This! I ain't going nowhere! Just kidding with the grammar. I am southern 😂 But that summed up perfectly as we have many relationships here! Also I don't have the job to drive LD either. My hands are FULL!
This post is gold (pardon the pun :)). I love your conditions and your last needs to be my first: I am recovering from an abusive relationship where my body warned me but my mind ignored the many warning indicators. I must have my partner respect my need for a slow pace with respect to both physical and emotional intimacy. I also need someone who celebrates my wins and supports my friendships.
Could have written this myself ❤️
Not prepared to run around after a man's hobby. Been doing that for child - my head is full of competitions, qualifying times as well as the financial cost. While I am making the most of it - trying to enjoy trips to various city venues, I don't want to drop that and do it for a grown adult I am unrelated to.
I was not aware of her story. I do recall hearing that she didn't care about the medals, that she was there to "show the world her art." And that was inspiring all by itself. But knowing all of this makes it an even better story and triumph! I'm so proud of her!
I watched an interview with her during the Olympics, and in discussing her training regimen and how much she loves skating, she added, "But I mean I'm not on a diet or anything." 🙌
Thank you Jennie. I recently got dumped by a man who initially seemed like my needle and who I’d completely fallen for after only a month. But then he began asking me to compromise my autonomy and I felt controlled and consumed. And when I refused to budge on that boundary he promptly dumped me! I was heartbroken and so unsure if I’d done the right thing holding firm, but this post helped me realise that I did because I am no longer willing to abandon myself for the sake of not being alone. Thank you 🙏🏼 And this came after I recently ended an emotionally abusive marriage filled with so much coercive control!
My conditions are:
1. He respects my autonomy and boundaries - without entitlement. He accepts my available time, understands that plans may need to be flexible as a single mum of two, and respects my boundaries around my body. He does not act entitled to my time, my energy, my access, or my physical intimacy. He does not try to control, dominate, consume, or pressure me.
2. He builds connection slowly and safely. He does not rush intensity, future talk, or emotional merging. He allows trust and intimacy to unfold at a pace that feels grounded and mutual.
3. He continues to date and cherish me - before and after intimacy. He invests effort, takes me on dates, and makes me feel valued and chosen. I feel desired and respected, not objectified or taken for granted.
4. He shows consistent, unconditional decency. He does not centre his feelings above mine, weaponise vulnerability, or hold double standards around men and women. He can tolerate “no,” hear feedback, and repair without retaliation.
5. He respects my authority as a mother. He honours how I choose to parent, understands he will have a supportive role, and recognises that my children’s wellbeing comes first. He role models a healthy, equitable relationship dynamic.
6. He adds calm, joy, and expansion to my life. Being with him feels peaceful, not activating. He supports my independence, friendships, and growth. I feel more myself with him, not less.
I agree wholeheartedly. My only comment is to create your list focused on what you DO want (like Alyssa), not what you do NOT want. By focusing on what you DO want, you're creating a positive attraction and will get matching results. Energy cannot distinguish between good or bad... the activation happens only with what is being thought about and talked about. Cheers to positive lists!
I went through this exercise again and rewrote my list in a positive frame and it feels so empowering! It also put a smile on my face.
Excellent point!
💯 %
Alysa Liu for President 2028!
Oh, how I wish I’d set the conditions decades ago. I’m grieving the years I wasted. Like that saying: Too soon old; too late smart.
For me, “relinquish the outcome” is imperative to my emotional wellbeing.
Similar to dating “nato” - not attached to outcomes.
Not always easy but worth it.
Every. Single. Time.