I would appreciate that level of transparency. It also makes me chuckle just thinking about the men who are going to be thrown into a quandary as they try to figure out which option would get them the results they want. LOL.
As the woman in the man/woman relationship, there have been so many men that assume I want them badly enough to drive an hour to see them, and not even suggest meeting halfway. Dude! Pay a sex worker! I am not one.
Too cheap to drive, too lazy to make an effort, and definitely delusional.
OMG when you suggest that to the sadbastert filth goblins on Reddit, they are so affronted that they should have to pay for sx! They should if anything, to learn what women want. Of course, they are generally the ones who don't want to leave their house for an actual date.
or Van life adventure guy but they have kids already. Um, either you have kids at home or you are adventure guy. Who is watching those kids when you are out adventuring? And how much is the life insurance policy on you?
"It also makes me chuckle just thinking about the men who are going to be thrown into a quandary as they try to figure out which option would get them the results they want. LOL."
I don't think it would necessarily be polyamory. I think it would be more so ethical non-monogamy. Polyamory has way too connection and agreements on other partners that these men just aren't looking for. They want to have sex with you for an undetermined amount of time without going into details about who else they're sleeping with
I agree. There are definitly DADT ENM but those are called swingers. Not kitchen table poly or just an open relationship. FSM save us from people getting a thrill from bringing back STIs
Imagine if “looking for NSA sex for an undetermined amount of time without going into details about who else I’m sleeping with” were an ACTUAL category AND people were honest … what would be the percentage of people who would choose that option? I’m thinking very high
I think so too. So many men misunderstand how much women would go for NSA sex if that was what was on offer. It would be off-putting to men who need to feel that the woman wants more than that from them, but it would perhaps bring some of those men back to humanity.
One of the things I've learned very quickly as I have started down the road of ENM/polyam is that defining what ENM/polyam mean to you is essential. If someone isn't interested in having a rigorous, in depth conversion about agreements and boundaries, then it is clear that someone listing ENM on their profile is just a fancy way of saying "hook-up". There are a flood of men on the apps claiming to want an ENM/polyam relationship who are simply not there for the critical and difficult discussions needed that make ENM/poly relationships safe and ethical. It's very sad and discouraging.
As a woman who listed herself as ENM/Poly on the apps while I was on them, there was no shortage of men who assumed ENM meant I would have sex with anyone. It was almost easier to burn the haystack as an ENM/poly person on the apps. The problem is, there are so few people who pass the rigors of ENM/poly screening and Burned Haystack method scrutiny.
You are not alone. Too few men pass the rigours of B2B and all other additional requirements, qualities, shared interests, distance, kinks etc... Ultimately I ditched the apps, established a fabulous group of friends whose have a shared interest, values and a propensity for quality relationahips. I dont miss the apps, dating or sex weirdly and I am happier than I have ever been. I am open to meeting my neddle but no longer activily burning the singles haystacks. He will have to find sniff me out in some remote backcountry area where I havent showered or brushed my teeth for for 4 days, rehydrating my supper, looking at the mountains.
Too many have not really gotten full consent from a supposed primary. They basically asked once if they'd be up for it and took that as consent. Then they back out of dates with us ENM folk.
I made a post about it:
ENM does not always mean poly, into multiples, a swinger, into BDSM or submissive if you are a woman. It just means everyone in my boyfriend army is aware of each other. and that, when I am with them, they have 100% of my attention.
I totally agree! I found one, and have an excellent relationship with him (5 years so far) but as for any others, there was one that lasted 3 months and a few others that wanted me to fit into their lives in particular ways which didn’t suit me, so I’ve pretty much given up looking … I still think of myself as ENM but in reality it looks very much like monogamy!
I think men who like all of the perks of a girlfriend, without the commitment, choose all of those options. This makes it very easy to burn the haystack. I am pro keeping all of those options because it assists women in vetting. Even the scammers know to choose only a LTR in their profiles so men absolutely know what they are doing. There are plenty of unhealed men who think they want a relationship but really just chase the new relationship energy (these men choose many dating goals in their profiles).
Anyone else notice the difference between “long term, open to short term” vs “short term, open to long term”? The first one to me implies an openness to the realities of dating - most relationships AREN’T going to be long term. The second one implies that they have a “let’s see what happens” mindset and are only going to be into long term if it falls directly into their laps.
I dislike these options. I understand wanting to give men an opportunity to reveal themselves in their profiles, but I also want the app to be useful for me. As Jennie said, there’s a lot of nuance. So I have even struggled with which one I should pick, wondering how my future needle going to interpret it. Also I’m at the stage in life where “long term relationship” does not mean marriage or even living together. On Hinge at least they let us include a clarifying statement with that prompt where I said just that. But I haven’t used any other apps. (Getting ready to however, since I have had only 3 legit matches in 6 months resulting in 2 dates, and no activity at all in the last 2 months. The majority of connections have been attempted scams.)
This. I'm at a place we're I do not want to live together or get married. Does that make my interest in my next relationship casual? Does "Long Term" mean for life? Or longer then 12 months?
What is short term on these apps for that matter. 3-6 months? With casual being less then 3 months?
I haven't made accounts on any dating apps since OKC switched to being photo focused, and using legal names. I liked being anonymous so strange people couldn't find me in other social areas online.
I have really struggled with what to call the kind of relationship I want. Not casual - I want commitment and obligation. But not serious - I want fun (actual fun. Not just sex. But sex too!) not temporary- I’m in unless things change.
I want a relationship where you progress to the point where you would traditionally move in together, and then….not to. I don’t think that’s chasing new relationship energy. I’m happy with slobbing out and staying in. I just want to keep ultimate authority and freedom in MY SPACE and I’m happy for a guy to do the same. I also want the associated effort that comes with him knowing damn well that I can opt out anytime I like. (Women put this in anyway) With zero effort. And if I’m pissed at how you never pick up your socks or empty the dishwasher I can just GO HOME. No mutual chores - cos we all know who does most of them.
I don’t want to keep most of myself, my life, time or resources back from someone. It’s not about being less committed or obliged to a person or being selfish. It’s just about retaining that last little bit of autonomy and refuge. I’m aiming to be about 75% married for the forseeable. I’m done having kids, don’t need a stepdad and can afford to maintain my own home and fund my lifestyle with money over for joint entertainment, holidays etc. If you don’t have space, chores or kids to disagree about, I think there’s a much better chance everyone is happy.
Very much the same. I do like the Hinge option to clarify. I am at a stage where I am not looking for a life partner, marriage or living with someone. I'm happy with slow moving, casual, but exclusive relationships so I chose short term, open to long and I clarify with detail about what is an ideal relationship for me.
I also try using a clarifying statement because I agree with the NATO approach but then people just read that as hookup anyway. How do I know what kind of relationship I want with someone before meeting them? I’m open to most of the options!
To give you some insight into why someone might choose this option.... I chose short term, open to long... because short term is more appealing to me and I am not currently looking for a life partner, but I am not entirely closed off to the idea of something long term if it continues to work for me over the long term. It's just not what I am "looking" for. Does that make sense?
I have mine set to “long-term, open to short” for that very reason, and have added (for those that actually read profiles 🙄) that I’m not looking to rush into anything, and am intentional in who I spend my time with. I also clearly state monogamy. I don’t have an issue with others who approach it from the second perspective of “let’s see what happens”… I have that same mindset in a way… so if the connection is generally good, I think it just warrants conversation about what that actually means to them and then watching behaviours.
I think the short term relationship is an option that many men want whether they are conscious of it or not. They want the honeymoon phase when they can do no wrong and there are no demands placed on them. And then as soon as it starts to get complicated, the conflict begins, and the need to provide effort to sustain the relationship into the long-term, that’s when they want to ditch. Low effort, men want a series of monogamous short term relationships for this reason.
I mean... Who wouldn't want "it's complicated"?! 😆 Just kidding - I absolutely agree with you. And, if they change their mind, they get to fund a three month subscription to your chosen dating app.
Well, when I first joined a dating app after my husband passed away, a “short term relationship” was exactly what I wanted - and found. My guy and I called it “casual monogamy”… We went on dates, texted occasionally, were sexually intimate, etc., but we both knew it was not a long term arrangement. Our faiths and family structures just didn’t align… but we greatly enjoyed each other for about 6 months, and when it ended, it wasn’t because it “failed”… it just had run its course. We parted as friends and both have warm memories of the other.
Now, I’m not sure this is typical enough to warrant a whole category on a dating app, but it definitely exists. 💜
I had a great "transitional" relationship like that about a year after my divorce. He was a pilot who lived in Hawaii and whom I had known for some time when he lived on the mainland. We both knew it was not long-term, and it left me free to do work, scool, and tend to my teenagers between his visits. We went about a year, perfect interim relationship that ended on a good and mutual note.
I also had a few "transitional" relationships after my divorce from a 20-year-marriage. I knew I was nowhere near ready to get into something serious so I enjoyed the companionship and genuine friendship those relationships provided. I was more relaxed about the requirements for those relationships since I wasn't expecting to build a life with them. They both ended on good terms. Once I was ready to start looking for a life partner again I started to look for someone with all the qualities I would want in a "forever" person.
I had a great "transitional" relationship like that about a year after my divorce. He was a pilot who lived in Hawaii and whom I had known for some time when he lived on the mainland. We both knew it was not long-term, and it left me free to do work, scool, and tend to my teenagers between his visits. We went about a year, perfect interim relationship that ended on a good and mutual note.
Then they can tell you “Let’s see where it goes” while also having sex with you. Until they tell you “It’s not working out” and move on to the next woman.
I disagree. Let's say you are in town for the summer, or on a short-term contract. If you find someone you like, you might want a girlfriend for that time window. But you are opposed to long distance relationships, so when you leave town again, you anticipate ending it - hopefully amicably.
Also your three options don't include companionship without commitment, which might be someone who likes an escort to various activities, but no romantic intent.
The status I dislike is "let's see where it goes." A little too vague!
Interesting. I guess that's so far outside of anything I'd ever want that it didn't occur to me as a situation! Totally agree with you about "let's see where it goes."
wait, so you think the world revolves around you and your thinking and from that position you get to censor dating apps, the world, comments on your FB group? not everyone wants long term, marriage, or whatever you want. stop trying to mold the world by your limitations
wait, so you think the world revolves around you and your thinking and from that position you get to censor dating apps, the world, comments on your FB group? not everyone wants long term, marriage, or whatever you want. stop trying to mold the world by your limitations
Are you me? I don't do long distance and moved countries a lot, so short-term, serious (and non monogamous) relationships were my jam. Or my bread and butter? Dating is a muscle and I (a lady, kind 6, very cuddly) needed to work it!
Then I met my husband and we've been inseparable for eight years ❤️ he is so used to my demanding ass, he moved across the street from me a month after we started dating.
Absolutely, but it may not actually thin the herd. It will likely just force more men to pretend they want a relationship, meaning an actual date before the sexual request, but that would likely mean more time wasted as women. It could also mean more love-bombing and a harder time disengaging from them as the true nature starts to show of their intentions. I used to give these multi-option individuals way more opportunity to engage before 2 years off apps and following Burned Haystack in that time.
Currently, this, alongside all the other options being listed, is a total B2B. At best, someone who checks all the optional boxes for relationship type desired, will breadcrumb a possible dating/relationship until they get the sexual intimacy they are actually seeking. It's clear after talking to so many in the past, that they prefer casual, despite stating "depends on how we vibe" if pressed for clarity on what they are actually seeking. Not choosing any of them says the same thing, as is an option on FB Dating. While you can filter who you are shown based on preferences, it also shows those who have additional options checked, so the best benefit would be an ability to filter more honestly seeking casual only out, but harder to quickly filter out those who aren't serious. Men who are only seeking a relationship will only put that already.
Perhaps, on a different app, this may yield better results, but I'm not currently paying for an app, because, historically, Bumble and other apps haven't yielded more serious daters just ones more likely to invest in faking intentions longer.
I thought that I wanted this for a while when getting divorced was messy and I wasn’t prepared to introduced someone to my children but I missed having someone to hang out with and be intimate with. I thought maybe a time limited agreement with someone where the terms would be renewable every 6 months or so, or if feelings were getting too strong, or whatever mutually agreeable criteria I could settle on with some respectful hottie could make sense for me to have that would be better than nothing and better than having a crappy dating phase. Ultimately I couldn’t find that and my situation changed so I went back to looking for long-term. I also dated a guy very briefly who ended up dying, so some people do have very legitimate reasons for short term. The way I see it relationships are never permanent anyways so best to be honest about what you’re looking for and on the same page when you need to protect yourself and given the phase of life you’re in.
I’m willing to play devils advocate here… (with caveats that I have fully removed myself from fating apps and blocked all the folks I have met using them at this point) Some of this is also a question of time scale right? What is meant my short term and long term? It could be that someone is on work travel (for weeks or months) and only wants to make a commitment in that period, maybe that is more of a hook up. I find that all of these terms leave a LOT open to interpretation. Also having had the experience of “til death do us part” not actually living up to its promise - although we have kids together so we are never fully getting away from each other. But yet I also agree that it serves the sites, it also allows users to not make a choice that locks them in. Some of the act of dating is about discovery. It might be interesting to put things on a sliding scale rather than radio buttons (similar to how they do age). Someone who just wants hook ups would be on the left had side of the scale and someone who is more marriage minded would be in the right side of the scale and my guess is a lot of (at least of my age) squishy folks in the middle.
As usual, you are totally right, Dr. Young. Dan Savage always says that most relationships in our lives end up being short-term. That’s the understanding when we date and have relations with others. It always cracks me up on Hinge when men elaborate on their relationship goal selection by writing, “Let’s get to know each other then see if it grows into something!” So… the definition of dating? It is very telling what people choose and how they talk about these things, once one has learned your methods!
Who would want the first three months of a well working monogamous relationship, avoiding all the potential dificulties that will come later on? Pretty much all the man I have met in my life.
I would appreciate that level of transparency. It also makes me chuckle just thinking about the men who are going to be thrown into a quandary as they try to figure out which option would get them the results they want. LOL.
Hahahaha, for sure 😂. All the better --- maybe they'll find it too intellectually taxing and burn themselves out before we have to.
As the woman in the man/woman relationship, there have been so many men that assume I want them badly enough to drive an hour to see them, and not even suggest meeting halfway. Dude! Pay a sex worker! I am not one.
Too cheap to drive, too lazy to make an effort, and definitely delusional.
🤦♀️
OMG when you suggest that to the sadbastert filth goblins on Reddit, they are so affronted that they should have to pay for sx! They should if anything, to learn what women want. Of course, they are generally the ones who don't want to leave their house for an actual date.
Sooo true!! lol
I’ve noticed so many profiles are just incoherent. It will be short -term open to long. Want kids, but no drama and nothing serious… lol.
or Van life adventure guy but they have kids already. Um, either you have kids at home or you are adventure guy. Who is watching those kids when you are out adventuring? And how much is the life insurance policy on you?
And no issues.
They need to be the only actual human in the place. 🙄
"It also makes me chuckle just thinking about the men who are going to be thrown into a quandary as they try to figure out which option would get them the results they want. LOL."
Haha. :)
Let’s be honest…they’ll just select all three 😩
Heavens forbid they are simply honest.
There are guys on Reddit who:
• say that women will put LTR but really want a hookup but don't want to look like a sl*t (if you're doing this, consider not lying)
• that THEY the guys don't listen to what women really want, that we can all be talked into a hookup
puke
I think that’s a serious case of projection. “This is me, but I’m going to say it’s you!”
Let’s be honest…they’ll just select all three 😩
I think their minds might explode trying to figure this one out! lol 🤣 or select all of the above as suggested.
I do wish they’d say “everything to follow is simply me trying to get you to trust me enough to get into your pants.”
Yes, I’m jaded.
Let’s be honest…they’ll just select all three 😩
I don't think it would necessarily be polyamory. I think it would be more so ethical non-monogamy. Polyamory has way too connection and agreements on other partners that these men just aren't looking for. They want to have sex with you for an undetermined amount of time without going into details about who else they're sleeping with
You're right. I'm gonna make that edit -- thank you!
In that case ethical non monogamy needs to be defined as consensual with disclosure or without, i.e., 'don't ask don't tell' DADT
I agree. There are definitly DADT ENM but those are called swingers. Not kitchen table poly or just an open relationship. FSM save us from people getting a thrill from bringing back STIs
Imagine if “looking for NSA sex for an undetermined amount of time without going into details about who else I’m sleeping with” were an ACTUAL category AND people were honest … what would be the percentage of people who would choose that option? I’m thinking very high
I think so too. So many men misunderstand how much women would go for NSA sex if that was what was on offer. It would be off-putting to men who need to feel that the woman wants more than that from them, but it would perhaps bring some of those men back to humanity.
One of the things I've learned very quickly as I have started down the road of ENM/polyam is that defining what ENM/polyam mean to you is essential. If someone isn't interested in having a rigorous, in depth conversion about agreements and boundaries, then it is clear that someone listing ENM on their profile is just a fancy way of saying "hook-up". There are a flood of men on the apps claiming to want an ENM/polyam relationship who are simply not there for the critical and difficult discussions needed that make ENM/poly relationships safe and ethical. It's very sad and discouraging.
As a woman who listed herself as ENM/Poly on the apps while I was on them, there was no shortage of men who assumed ENM meant I would have sex with anyone. It was almost easier to burn the haystack as an ENM/poly person on the apps. The problem is, there are so few people who pass the rigors of ENM/poly screening and Burned Haystack method scrutiny.
You are not alone. Too few men pass the rigours of B2B and all other additional requirements, qualities, shared interests, distance, kinks etc... Ultimately I ditched the apps, established a fabulous group of friends whose have a shared interest, values and a propensity for quality relationahips. I dont miss the apps, dating or sex weirdly and I am happier than I have ever been. I am open to meeting my neddle but no longer activily burning the singles haystacks. He will have to find sniff me out in some remote backcountry area where I havent showered or brushed my teeth for for 4 days, rehydrating my supper, looking at the mountains.
This sounds like a dream come true. ❤️
Leaving dating apps behind was the best move I've made for my health and happiness since my divorce.
Ditto! It is a liberation!
Too many have not really gotten full consent from a supposed primary. They basically asked once if they'd be up for it and took that as consent. Then they back out of dates with us ENM folk.
I made a post about it:
ENM does not always mean poly, into multiples, a swinger, into BDSM or submissive if you are a woman. It just means everyone in my boyfriend army is aware of each other. and that, when I am with them, they have 100% of my attention.
I totally agree! I found one, and have an excellent relationship with him (5 years so far) but as for any others, there was one that lasted 3 months and a few others that wanted me to fit into their lives in particular ways which didn’t suit me, so I’ve pretty much given up looking … I still think of myself as ENM but in reality it looks very much like monogamy!
Thank you for sharing! It is good to run across other folks who are experiencing some of the same challenges. ❤️
I think men who like all of the perks of a girlfriend, without the commitment, choose all of those options. This makes it very easy to burn the haystack. I am pro keeping all of those options because it assists women in vetting. Even the scammers know to choose only a LTR in their profiles so men absolutely know what they are doing. There are plenty of unhealed men who think they want a relationship but really just chase the new relationship energy (these men choose many dating goals in their profiles).
I get this -- these are good point.
‘Chase new relationship energy’ so true!
Anyone else notice the difference between “long term, open to short term” vs “short term, open to long term”? The first one to me implies an openness to the realities of dating - most relationships AREN’T going to be long term. The second one implies that they have a “let’s see what happens” mindset and are only going to be into long term if it falls directly into their laps.
This is a really interesting question . . . a lot of opportunity for nuance here. I honestly don't know. I definitely don't think men know, lol.
I dislike these options. I understand wanting to give men an opportunity to reveal themselves in their profiles, but I also want the app to be useful for me. As Jennie said, there’s a lot of nuance. So I have even struggled with which one I should pick, wondering how my future needle going to interpret it. Also I’m at the stage in life where “long term relationship” does not mean marriage or even living together. On Hinge at least they let us include a clarifying statement with that prompt where I said just that. But I haven’t used any other apps. (Getting ready to however, since I have had only 3 legit matches in 6 months resulting in 2 dates, and no activity at all in the last 2 months. The majority of connections have been attempted scams.)
This. I'm at a place we're I do not want to live together or get married. Does that make my interest in my next relationship casual? Does "Long Term" mean for life? Or longer then 12 months?
What is short term on these apps for that matter. 3-6 months? With casual being less then 3 months?
I haven't made accounts on any dating apps since OKC switched to being photo focused, and using legal names. I liked being anonymous so strange people couldn't find me in other social areas online.
I have really struggled with what to call the kind of relationship I want. Not casual - I want commitment and obligation. But not serious - I want fun (actual fun. Not just sex. But sex too!) not temporary- I’m in unless things change.
I want a relationship where you progress to the point where you would traditionally move in together, and then….not to. I don’t think that’s chasing new relationship energy. I’m happy with slobbing out and staying in. I just want to keep ultimate authority and freedom in MY SPACE and I’m happy for a guy to do the same. I also want the associated effort that comes with him knowing damn well that I can opt out anytime I like. (Women put this in anyway) With zero effort. And if I’m pissed at how you never pick up your socks or empty the dishwasher I can just GO HOME. No mutual chores - cos we all know who does most of them.
I don’t want to keep most of myself, my life, time or resources back from someone. It’s not about being less committed or obliged to a person or being selfish. It’s just about retaining that last little bit of autonomy and refuge. I’m aiming to be about 75% married for the forseeable. I’m done having kids, don’t need a stepdad and can afford to maintain my own home and fund my lifestyle with money over for joint entertainment, holidays etc. If you don’t have space, chores or kids to disagree about, I think there’s a much better chance everyone is happy.
I have the same requirements. It's called stepping off the escalator, or living apart together.
Holy crap! When did OKC go to legal names? I've been off OKC for a couple years
I think technically it's the name associated with your linked accounts. Like your email.
So technically you can get around that.
Very much the same. I do like the Hinge option to clarify. I am at a stage where I am not looking for a life partner, marriage or living with someone. I'm happy with slow moving, casual, but exclusive relationships so I chose short term, open to long and I clarify with detail about what is an ideal relationship for me.
I also try using a clarifying statement because I agree with the NATO approach but then people just read that as hookup anyway. How do I know what kind of relationship I want with someone before meeting them? I’m open to most of the options!
How to understand how the reader will interpret statements is huge. One needs to follow up to understand what the writer means.
To give you some insight into why someone might choose this option.... I chose short term, open to long... because short term is more appealing to me and I am not currently looking for a life partner, but I am not entirely closed off to the idea of something long term if it continues to work for me over the long term. It's just not what I am "looking" for. Does that make sense?
I have mine set to “long-term, open to short” for that very reason, and have added (for those that actually read profiles 🙄) that I’m not looking to rush into anything, and am intentional in who I spend my time with. I also clearly state monogamy. I don’t have an issue with others who approach it from the second perspective of “let’s see what happens”… I have that same mindset in a way… so if the connection is generally good, I think it just warrants conversation about what that actually means to them and then watching behaviours.
I think the short term relationship is an option that many men want whether they are conscious of it or not. They want the honeymoon phase when they can do no wrong and there are no demands placed on them. And then as soon as it starts to get complicated, the conflict begins, and the need to provide effort to sustain the relationship into the long-term, that’s when they want to ditch. Low effort, men want a series of monogamous short term relationships for this reason.
Absolutely! Exactly this!
I mean... Who wouldn't want "it's complicated"?! 😆 Just kidding - I absolutely agree with you. And, if they change their mind, they get to fund a three month subscription to your chosen dating app.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSS 🔥😂
Well, when I first joined a dating app after my husband passed away, a “short term relationship” was exactly what I wanted - and found. My guy and I called it “casual monogamy”… We went on dates, texted occasionally, were sexually intimate, etc., but we both knew it was not a long term arrangement. Our faiths and family structures just didn’t align… but we greatly enjoyed each other for about 6 months, and when it ended, it wasn’t because it “failed”… it just had run its course. We parted as friends and both have warm memories of the other.
Now, I’m not sure this is typical enough to warrant a whole category on a dating app, but it definitely exists. 💜
I had a great "transitional" relationship like that about a year after my divorce. He was a pilot who lived in Hawaii and whom I had known for some time when he lived on the mainland. We both knew it was not long-term, and it left me free to do work, scool, and tend to my teenagers between his visits. We went about a year, perfect interim relationship that ended on a good and mutual note.
I also had a few "transitional" relationships after my divorce from a 20-year-marriage. I knew I was nowhere near ready to get into something serious so I enjoyed the companionship and genuine friendship those relationships provided. I was more relaxed about the requirements for those relationships since I wasn't expecting to build a life with them. They both ended on good terms. Once I was ready to start looking for a life partner again I started to look for someone with all the qualities I would want in a "forever" person.
I had a great "transitional" relationship like that about a year after my divorce. He was a pilot who lived in Hawaii and whom I had known for some time when he lived on the mainland. We both knew it was not long-term, and it left me free to do work, scool, and tend to my teenagers between his visits. We went about a year, perfect interim relationship that ended on a good and mutual note.
Most men put long term even though they want one a hook up because they know the odds are even lower if they put short term or casual.
Then they can tell you “Let’s see where it goes” while also having sex with you. Until they tell you “It’s not working out” and move on to the next woman.
I disagree. Let's say you are in town for the summer, or on a short-term contract. If you find someone you like, you might want a girlfriend for that time window. But you are opposed to long distance relationships, so when you leave town again, you anticipate ending it - hopefully amicably.
Also your three options don't include companionship without commitment, which might be someone who likes an escort to various activities, but no romantic intent.
The status I dislike is "let's see where it goes." A little too vague!
Interesting. I guess that's so far outside of anything I'd ever want that it didn't occur to me as a situation! Totally agree with you about "let's see where it goes."
wait, so you think the world revolves around you and your thinking and from that position you get to censor dating apps, the world, comments on your FB group? not everyone wants long term, marriage, or whatever you want. stop trying to mold the world by your limitations
wait, so you think the world revolves around you and your thinking and from that position you get to censor dating apps, the world, comments on your FB group? not everyone wants long term, marriage, or whatever you want. stop trying to mold the world by your limitations
Eh…a fling is still an extensive hookup at the end of the day in my opinion. If it has an end date - it’s a fling/hookup.
I would want to know if someone is here temporarily. I'm not free sx work for business travelers.
And guys have Definitely used me as an entertainment director if they move here and have no friends but are not fully attracted to me. That one hurt.
Are you me? I don't do long distance and moved countries a lot, so short-term, serious (and non monogamous) relationships were my jam. Or my bread and butter? Dating is a muscle and I (a lady, kind 6, very cuddly) needed to work it!
Then I met my husband and we've been inseparable for eight years ❤️ he is so used to my demanding ass, he moved across the street from me a month after we started dating.
Absolutely, but it may not actually thin the herd. It will likely just force more men to pretend they want a relationship, meaning an actual date before the sexual request, but that would likely mean more time wasted as women. It could also mean more love-bombing and a harder time disengaging from them as the true nature starts to show of their intentions. I used to give these multi-option individuals way more opportunity to engage before 2 years off apps and following Burned Haystack in that time.
Currently, this, alongside all the other options being listed, is a total B2B. At best, someone who checks all the optional boxes for relationship type desired, will breadcrumb a possible dating/relationship until they get the sexual intimacy they are actually seeking. It's clear after talking to so many in the past, that they prefer casual, despite stating "depends on how we vibe" if pressed for clarity on what they are actually seeking. Not choosing any of them says the same thing, as is an option on FB Dating. While you can filter who you are shown based on preferences, it also shows those who have additional options checked, so the best benefit would be an ability to filter more honestly seeking casual only out, but harder to quickly filter out those who aren't serious. Men who are only seeking a relationship will only put that already.
Perhaps, on a different app, this may yield better results, but I'm not currently paying for an app, because, historically, Bumble and other apps haven't yielded more serious daters just ones more likely to invest in faking intentions longer.
This sums up my thoughts exactly, I’d prefer to leave it so I can B2B the ones who check both.
Makes too much sense to work 😂
Keep it or get rid of it. IDC, but the change I want is that users can only pick one. Tired of the "Fun, casual dates" AND "long-term relationship."
I definitely see where you're coming from, but then that'll just lie and say they want long-term.
I thought that I wanted this for a while when getting divorced was messy and I wasn’t prepared to introduced someone to my children but I missed having someone to hang out with and be intimate with. I thought maybe a time limited agreement with someone where the terms would be renewable every 6 months or so, or if feelings were getting too strong, or whatever mutually agreeable criteria I could settle on with some respectful hottie could make sense for me to have that would be better than nothing and better than having a crappy dating phase. Ultimately I couldn’t find that and my situation changed so I went back to looking for long-term. I also dated a guy very briefly who ended up dying, so some people do have very legitimate reasons for short term. The way I see it relationships are never permanent anyways so best to be honest about what you’re looking for and on the same page when you need to protect yourself and given the phase of life you’re in.
I’m willing to play devils advocate here… (with caveats that I have fully removed myself from fating apps and blocked all the folks I have met using them at this point) Some of this is also a question of time scale right? What is meant my short term and long term? It could be that someone is on work travel (for weeks or months) and only wants to make a commitment in that period, maybe that is more of a hook up. I find that all of these terms leave a LOT open to interpretation. Also having had the experience of “til death do us part” not actually living up to its promise - although we have kids together so we are never fully getting away from each other. But yet I also agree that it serves the sites, it also allows users to not make a choice that locks them in. Some of the act of dating is about discovery. It might be interesting to put things on a sliding scale rather than radio buttons (similar to how they do age). Someone who just wants hook ups would be on the left had side of the scale and someone who is more marriage minded would be in the right side of the scale and my guess is a lot of (at least of my age) squishy folks in the middle.
As usual, you are totally right, Dr. Young. Dan Savage always says that most relationships in our lives end up being short-term. That’s the understanding when we date and have relations with others. It always cracks me up on Hinge when men elaborate on their relationship goal selection by writing, “Let’s get to know each other then see if it grows into something!” So… the definition of dating? It is very telling what people choose and how they talk about these things, once one has learned your methods!
Who would want the first three months of a well working monogamous relationship, avoiding all the potential dificulties that will come later on? Pretty much all the man I have met in my life.