And *THIS* is Why We Block-To-Burn

Thank you to the IG follower who shared these unhinged messages . . .

The woman’s message to me reads:

“I was dating a man for 3 weeks, with 3 dates (coffee, dinner and roller skating). He became overly sexual during the third date and then in messaging after, we were planning to go rock climbing but I changed my mind. I feel like I was clear and kind with my message but he has been non-stop messaging and I feel really guilty but I am also starting to feel a bit anxious too. I would really appreciate understanding if I have handled it poorly and if there are clear signs I can take from his messages so I can avoid this in the future, and also understand if I am overreacting with feeling anxious. I am 36 but met the man I married at 15 so really not experienced at dating at all. You are welcome to share them on your platforms if it’s useful to others.”

Here are the messages:

She sent these to me yesterday, and then another message this morning, with another screen shot.

The message:

"And this message this morning, I am worried about blocking him because I don’t want him to turn angry.”

Okay, let’s talk about all of this. It’s really important. And I also want to be clear that I am NOT blaming the woman who sent me these messages. On the contrary, I empathize with everything she’s experiencing, and feel horrible that she’s feeling aggressed and frightened. I would too.

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Let’s first discuss what could have prevented this and then what should be done if things get to this point:

Prevention: This is why we block. Two reasons, actually: One: blocking saves us time (from both recycled matches on the apps and from dealing with this nonsense). And Two: blocking is protective (emotionally, but I believe physically as well; more on that in a second).

According to Burned Haystack Method™, once you’ve decided you do not want to proceed with someone, you can either block with zero words, or send one last message that says, “I’m disconnecting, but I wish you well!” and then block immediately. This always brings up the question, “Should I wait to make sure he’s read my message first and then block?”

That’s an individual decision, but here’s the truth: You don’t owe anything to men you don’t know, and you definitely don’t owe anything to men you DO know who are behaving like this. But if it makes you feel better to know you’ve sent a final message and it’s been read, then go ahead and do that, but here’s the important thing:

The *second* it’s been read, BLOCK HIM. It doesn’t matter—AT ALL—what he says in response. You’ve said your goodbye, and it’s time to go. This is how you avoid ending up in a situation where you’re dealing with someone like the guy in the messages above (who is clearly now contacting her on multiple platforms, so block him on ALL of them, as well as your phone, of course).

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Now, let’s talk about what should be done if something has already reached this point:

I understand the fear. Because she’s now feeling uneasy, it feels safer in some ways to “keep an eye on him.” It’s like if there’s a spider in your house. You don’t want it to be there, and you’re afraid to get too close to it, but you also don’t want to turn your back on it because then the fear spirals—the spider could be anywhere. You’d prefer to see the spider leave the house and go far away, but that’s just not always an option.

Burned Haystack works as a kind of exterminator in this case—not necessarily one that kills spiders, but one that sprays the threshold of your home with something spiders don’t like.

Here’s how you repel the spider at this point:

You send one message that says, “As I said before, I wish you the best. I am asking you, in writing, to never contact me again.” And then you BLOCK. 🔥

This sends a message to men that you’ve now drawn a “legal” or at least “legal-ish” line. You may not think he’ll read it this way, but he will; I’ve seen it work over and over again. Also: men like this DO NOT CARE what women want. They are boundary violators who are wholly undeterred by a woman saying “No” (obviously).

They do, however, care what other men think, especially men in positions of authority, such as police officers. They simply don’t think women’s opinions matter. That’s why you need to do something to indicate that your words could be seen by OTHER PEOPLE, specifically MALE PEOPLE. I know this is ridiculous. It’s 2024. I’m telling you I still think it’s the smartest and safest thing to do. I’m a theoretical feminist who believes in upholding theoretical ideals, but I get pragmatic real quick when it comes to protecting women, so please forgive me for anything that sounds like I’m exclaiming, “Bring a man in to protect me!” I actually don’t care how any of this sounds because I want women to feel and to be safe.

All of this is hypothetical, of course—this guy hasn’t [yet] done anything that warrants bringing in any kind of authority. In the event he CONTINUES to escalate, though, you now have a record that *you* can share with someone in a position of authority, which will help you to take measures of protection.

I feel bad about writing this entire article, and I’m angry that it’s relevant. Yesterday I watched Woman of the Hour with Anna Kendrick, based on the true story of a 1970s serial rapist and murderer, and the patterns I saw in his speech and actions are exactly the same thing we’re all confronting on the dating apps and in relationships in 2024.

The guy who wrote the messages above may not be dangerous at all; he hasn’t actually threatened anything, and who knows, maybe he never would. But he also won’t accept no as an answer, and he’s entitled to a delusional degree, and he’s badgering her, and these are always the first red flags. Abusive men don’t start out blatantly abusive, because you know why? Because they know exactly what they’re doing. Do not be deceived about this.

We already know this guy is in possession of a smart phone, so he literally has access to all the knowledge and cultural conversations of human history in the palm of his hand; we’re not talking about some poor, unknowing creature who just hasn’t had the benefit of receiving the memo on rape culture or “no means no” or #MeToo or any other developments in the last several centuries; he knows exactly how he’s behaving.

Okay, this is enough. Here’s the takeaway: BLOCK him at the first sign of trouble, reclaim your peace of mind and your autonomy, and only give your time and energy to people who are treating you with kindness and care. ❤️