Burned Haystack Dating Method® Quick Start Guide
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Follow on Bluesky HERE.
Jennie’s professional website here: jennieyoung.com
Read media coverage and learn about the method and creator HERE.
Quick versions of the rules HERE.
Video versions HERE .
Rhetorical patterns to know HERE.
Translate it to real life HERE.
Facebook group rules HERE.
Intro to CDA (Critical Discourse Analysis) HERE.
ALSO IMPORTANT TO KNOW
Because of the size of the group, posting is not always an option, and most posts are not approved. THIS DOESN’T MEAN THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOUR POST :) Just that we’ve already covered it extensively or it’s beyond the scope of the group.
Some posts have commenting enabled and some don’t, so if you can’t comment, it’s nothing personal---it just means the moderators turned commenting off for various reasons.
We ask new members to take some time to read the resources linked above. This is a teaching group built upon academic methods that require some reading to understand. We encourage community-building through dialogue, but we want the dialogue to be informed by the Method.
This project and this group are politically liberal in orientation. It is founded upon Feminist principles.
The group is non-monetized and non-promoted, and the creator is not compensated for her work or her intellectual labor in creating/moderating the group. She is not a “dating coach,” and she does not take on individual clients. Burned Haystack™ is a grass-roots, community-supported endeavor. We are happy you’re here :)
I’ve been following BHDM for about six months. I’m also in a couple of other dating/relationship community advice Facebook groups. I recently have noted a lot of internalized misogyny in these groups, especially when I post about my experiences while using BHDM. I think you’ll find this interesting: I matched with a guy, we chatted, and he asked me on a date. He said he couldn’t meet that weekend since he was going away, but asked if I had any time the following week. This conversation was on a Friday morning and was very actively back-and-forth. I replied that I had Wednesday and Thursday free. He didn’t reply to that message, and when I didn’t hear from him again by Monday afternoon, I was seriously considering unmatching because I felt that he could have at least replied re: when he would let me know. By that point I’d already made Wednesday plans, so I only had Thursday left anyway. At least 90% of the responders to my post were aghast at my “entitlement to the time of a man I’d never even met” and that my attitude was showing me unworthy of even being in the dating pool. One woman commented on my post repeatedly, saying she had shown her husband what i had written, and they both laughed and agreed that I would never find a man if I couldn’t even be patient to wait for an answer for three days when I knew that he was going to be busy over the weekend. I ended up being overwhelmed by the number of women responding, and mostly so negatively, that I deleted the post, but not before I remembered the names of a few of the most vehement opponents. A few days went by and I had an idea: I created another post in the same group, but I turned the tables so that I was the one going away for a weekend and did not reply to this man’s message for three days, and that when I went to reply on Monday afternoon that he had unmatched me. And you guessed it, once again I was the supervillain who had left this precious man on read for three days and didn’t even take the time to craft a quick response to him. I had access to my phone and I absolutely was in the wrong for not having replied, and this man was probably “high value” with a lot of options and I had missed the boat because I was self-absorbed! I waited for the comments to pile up because I was having a lot of fun reading them, especially the one woman who had shown her husband and laughed at my former post: and this version of her reply once again I was super entitled and would never find a man because I wasn’t valuing his time. I played a little bit of cat and mouse because I couldn’t help myself before I told the group that I had created both posts and the only thing I’d changed in each one was the gender and in both posts the woman was wrong, and showed how deeply the double standard for women BY WOMEN went. They were not happy, to say the least.
I love your work! Wasnt sure how to get you to see this or the group so am putting it here: “matched”
With someone on an app and the usual, where did you grow up, HS, college, blah blah blah.
His respnse to my Catholic HS (he listed he is Catholic) was this:
“Ah, Catholic schoolgirl, interesting”
I think that is a B2B and super creepy…thoughts?