I B2B but not before I replied with some choice words: (probably shouldn’t have wasted my time but couldn’t help myself!)
"Catholic schoolgirl, interesting"..what does that even mean? I think I know, and that is so creepy...you are why online dating sux... and why my dog proves to be a far better and smarter companion...
You are a game changer. I blocked someone I was messaging that moved to text, telephone and then intrusive video calls in 2 1/2 weeks. We never met in real life. I let it go to see how far he was going to push it. A couple of things he did to minimize violating my boundaries was say, “I don’t mean that in a sexual way.” When he would say he wished he was physically with me at that moment because he felt so close to me and he needed that touch.
He made screen shots of us talking and then showed me the photos to show me the “look” in my eyes that he felt was for him. ( I was talking about flooding due to global warming). This later became his comment of the look he was looking for while we spoke as if I owed it to him to perform with my body in a way that was what he wanted.
I stated what was appropriate and what my boundaries were several times. He really didn’t want to listen. I’m a former Law Enforcement Officer and was extremely clear with him. I even told him it was ok that we were at different places and we needed to call it a day. He said he didn’t want that but that I needed to hurry up and be in love with him. I ended the phone call and sent him an email. I said very clearly my body is my own, no one will tell me when, where or how I am to use it. That even includes them telling me I need to smile or respond the way they want me to. I also told him emotions can’t be rushed and his behavior is unacceptable to me and to never contact me again. He of course tried several times to reach out to me. All have been blocked and deleted without being read. I wasn’t in any danger here and I have more training and experience than most and put it out there very clearly. I just wanted to share because some may still feel they are doing something wrong because another person isn’t t hearing them or respecting set boundaries. BHDM is the most positive tool to healthy relationships I have ever seen.
It’s not a giant leap to see how men go from thinking a woman needs to smile more to make him feel good to controlling her reproductive rights. Thank you so much.
I just blocked someone who messaged me on Substack. Since when is this a meat market?
His bio/tag line was "Looking for someone who will laugh at all my jokes." I thought of Burned Haystack immediately!
I also used the Method when looking for a mechanic. Guy answered a query on their website (inviting questions) by castigating my question and refusing to answer (what is your markup policy on parts and do you accept parts purchased elsewhere for repairs). If that is how they respond to their "Ask us anything!" online forum, I don't want to work with them. Nicely ruled them out and I went with the other shop, which has been great.
Thanks for sharing Burned Haystack method - soo useful in so aspects of life!
I too want to congratulate for you ‘work’ and believe it is far bigger than you may have even planned.
Since being a member and now subscribed to your six week course, I have realised that your words have empowered me to bring all of your ‘rules’ into every relationship of my life.
Five months ago it was published in The Sydney Morning Herald that:
A woman is being violently killed in Australia every four days this year.
To get to the point, I believe that your words, which are taking off the blinkers in society, will allow us to begin to stand up for ourselves, and recognise when a relationship is abusive, build women’s self esteem and confidence to know ‘they’ve got this’. To give women tools to recognise abusive relationships and be able to leave feeling empowered.
I live in a village with my mother and a neighbor told my Mum that an elderly man in the village said to her: “the only snake you need to be worried about is the snake between my legs”. This is a new man to the village who moved in with his wife.
You, Jennie, is ‘waking’ us all up and the sleazy, inappropriate conversations need to be called out.
I APPLAUD you.I believe you are called for such a time as this.
Thank you so much for helping woman to learn and see these patterns in men! I have a question regarding some wording with a man I have been exchanging messages with for about a week. We were talking about the old “whatcha looking for” question and his response is honestly a little confusing to me? Seems like there could be a little “Are You My Mother” rhetorical pattern wording. Any advice would be helpful! (First time posting here so I will try to copy and paste messages)
Me: AND I also love these kinds of messages. Which ALSO leads me even more into your question about what I’m looking for.
I really want a relationship with my best friend. Sounds like super corny and cheese but it the truth 😂
I am very happy in my life and I have built my life myself. I want a MAN who can see a strong independent woman and not be scared of her and want to build her up and not be threatened by that. Also not take advantage of that either! So someone who is also established in life and is willing to put in the work that a relationship requires because it is a lot of work! Someone who is very self aware and also wants to wake up everyday and be the best version of themselves they can be that day! 💚
What kind of woman are you looking for?!
Him: To respond to your answer as well as your question... It sounds like we're on the same wave length 😊 I would've thought the use of "my best friend" as a teenager was cheesy... But that is probably the best phrase to use, no?! I mean... "Love of my life" is not only overused, but people certainly confuse lust with love. I know I did for many, many years 😅 lol more to that I could share I'd imagine, but I'll keep myself from going off the rails with the subject 😜As far as what I'm looking for? Honestly? A strong, independent woman who balances me out! 😅 It'd be one thing to have a kid together and decide for you to stay a stay at home mom (bare with me, you'll see where I'm going with this example lol) and depend on me to bring in the income and etc of a traditional household... But I don't want to have to worry like most do about their women in such lifestyles. Met too many and had a woman I nearly married that spent too much time worrying about dealing with her own emotions and being an adult that I don't want a girl (though I use that term often when greeting ladies lol)... I want a woman dang it! 😁 Confident, independent, and preferably light hearted/caring.
Someone I can truly trust to not only take care of herself, but kids, dogs, house, or WHATEVER we have in the event I'm not around - and I do mean NOT around in the sad term 😅 know what I mean? Trust.
And of course... The kind of woman that can obliterate me and build me back up should she need to... Or pick me up and help me out of whatever spell I'm under.
My experience on the apps has been abysmal. I joined Match, OKCupid, OurTime and Bumble a year ago. For the first 6 months, all the men who reached out were not even close to anything I am looking for (over 75 years old, lived 100s of miles away, etc) and those I reached out to never responded.
In June I matched with a man on OurTime and it was everything I’d hoped for. He did everything right. For a month. Then he announced he was getting back with an ex. You know, the “crazy” one who he’d already broken up with twice before. Sigh.
Next was the man who messaged me the day after our brief walk asking me to come to his house for breakfast. When I said no thank you and wished him well, he came back in hot to say that he thought since I’m retired and he works from home, we should get together for daytime sex. BLOCK
Then I discovered Burned Haystack. I paid for the tutorials on styling my profile and posting the right kinds of photos, etc. I quickly B2B’d most of the men thrown my way on Hinge, OurTime, Coffee Meets Bagel and Bumble. Again, the men I reached out to never responded. In the months since I have been practicing Burned Haystack, I have matched with exactly 4 men; they were ALL running the Pig Butcher scam.
Clearly, I am doing something wrong. Any comments would be appreciated.
The Pig Butcher, so named because the victim is being led to slaughter, is a months-long con. The man is empathetic, engaged, responsive, kind — but also never available for phone calls, video chats or in-person meetings. Because the “man” is working out of a call center in Asia. I caught wise after a couple of DAYS non-stop love bombing. Now I can spot the scam in their profile.
It’s so disappointing. I mean, we are just out here looking to love someone!
Love your work and reading all the tips and watching your tiktok and Insta posts. I would like advice on what to write in my profile to attract men who properly suit me. I can't find this advice anywhere but am sure it is here somewhere, tips for writing your app profile? Can you advise please
I do have one simple probably question. If you match up with 2 men, like them both, have things in common with both, good conversation with both. How do you choose one over the other? I have yet to “meet” either but plans are in the making for both.
My counselor turned me on to this following of Burned Haystack. She mentioned maybe posting about my most recent experience to potentially gain insight into myself and the dating world.
I started chatting with a guy through an app called WooPlus. Dating app for plus size people or at least people who are more interested in the plus size world. So I'm sure that in itself was more of a red flag than what I wanted to admit to. But as a plus size woman in my late thirties, I figured why not. The app promotes body positivity, and I joined thinking it would be a positive experience. I also joined with the thought and intent that only plus size people date plus size people.
This guy and I chatted off and on for a couple of years. Hit or miss really. Lots of comments about my size and he was into it. We'll the end of this summer we reconnected and really started talking to get to know each other. More texting, phone calls before and after work. Conversations about the future, things we wanted and would look forward to, but I guess in hindsight not really things that spoke about "our" future.
We agreed to meet half way as he lives 4 hours away, to spend a weekend in a mutual place and just see how we interact in person. From my perspective, and I guess his we had a great weekend. Lots of laughing and fun and kept on with the conversations we had over the phone while we were in person. I did ask him at the end of the weekend, with no pressure intended, where he thought he would see us going. And he said he didn't want to be pressured into something right away as he made that mistake before, but wanted to spend more time with me to see how we work on a project together, or just sit and hang out.
After that weekend we kept up with the conversations. Mostly him rambling about useless information and how his day was. I foregoed mentioning anything about us ad not not come across being pressuring. But at this point I was already catching feelings. He made me feel safe, from what I could tell he was being open and honest, and I looked forward to hearing from him daily.
We made a mutual plan that I would visit him over a long weekend. I would drive to where he lives and spend the weekend getting to know each other more. He made the suggestions of cooking together, puzzles, working on a project together, going and seeing sites of where he lives, and maybe having a bonfire.
And I thought that's what the plan was. To get to know each other just by being around each other more.
Within the hour of me arriving he pulled me into the kitchen and kissed me amd hugged me and told he was very glad I was there. Then just a couple short hours later, he turned to me and said "full disclosure, I still don't know what I want." I was taken back and shocked. I wasn't expecting that my day of arrival he would have said that, so my response was it's OK. When deep inside I struggled with the why. Why invest the time in calling me and why invest the time in me driving all the way down here?
The next day I brought up what he said about not knowing what he wants. And then he paired that with "ideally someone closer." We get out of his car, and I walk ahead trying to gather my thoughts. And we he caught up, he said I hope what I said didn't upset you. And I brushed it off again with, no it's OK. I get it. Hiding the hurt and confusion of why I was even there.
I was supposed to stay until Monday as it was a holiday, but I opted to leave on Sunday and used weather as an excuse. We went to lunch in town before I left, and he side hugged me and said it was good to see you.
I need time to process things. I also internalize everything instead of seeing flags or immediately pointing fingers at someone. I don't like to be on the defense and I don't like putting people in that position as well, so it was a quiet 4 1/2 hrs drive home mulling over everything.
I text him I made it home ok. He said goo's and asked about the drive. I said it was quiet and spent the whole time thinking. He asked if I wanted to call and talk and I said not right now. Later texted him and told him how unfair it felt that he let things build up and left me thinking and feeling a certain way, and allowing me to drive all the there if he didn't know what he wanted. He did apologize through text. Saying it wasn't where he was at all along, it had just hit him that week.
I gave him outs before I even came down there. I said if you really aren't sure or aren't in a spot, it's OK. It doesn't have to happen. But he kept saying yes to me being there. So I figured we were still lon the same page about getting to know each other amd maybe moving forward whether together or not.
Monday morning he called to see how I was doing and really apologize again for the ways things went. I told him I was ok and was trying to move on but hiding the hurt. We talked ont he phone later that day and I was able to tell him how hurt I was. I was able to say that it was unfair and i was under the impression we were meeting again to see how we worked together. We planned that mutually, not one sided. He again apologized but backed it up with the not knowing.
Then I was ghosted for two weeks. No text, no calls after that. And I sat thinking what the he'll did I do wrong? Say? Not say? I delayed on messaging him because ultimately I know his mind is made up about himself and nothing I could do to change it, but I still care enough to at least want know how he's been. So I messaged him recently. He responded right away. He asked me how I was doing and I said things have been tough. Work, this and that, and not hearing from you for two weeks really sucked. He text back saying he wanted to give me some space that he thought I needed. Amd he admitted to missing talking to me. I said he could call anytime, not knowing when or what that conversation would even look like. But I do like talking to him as a friend.
He just called me this passed Saturday morning. We battered back and forth like usual but I wasn't the same with my quick witted responses. Then he said, hey can I tell you something? I said sure. He said I've been thinking alot and wanted to apologize again about hurting you. I realize now after looking back where I went wrong in my communication and I know now how I led you on. I think we both thought we were on the same page without actually having that conversation. I see now where I was love bombing because I do that frequently in any conversation with anyone. And you're very sweet, kind, beautiful and smart and you didn't deserve that from me so I'm sorry.
I hesitated to respond but I told him where I thought things were and went into the weekend with that assumption because we had talked about it. But I see where my communication probably wasn't clear either. But the past two weeks have sucked because everything I said or did mulled over in my head about what's wrong with me and everything I did wrong. And honestly I left feeling very stupid about everything. He said he understood and I shouldn't beat myself up or feel stupid. He realized he was scared the moment I arrived about potentially ending up in a relationship and he doesn't know where his job is going to take him, the distance, and he realized he's just not ready to bring someone into that part of his life and have them change theirs eith the unknown. He wished he would have recognized it sooner, but he recognized it when I got to his place and it all hit him. And yes it was unfair for him to being recognizing that after I made the drive to his house.
I'm glad we had that conversation to understand now. But I still feel left in shambles. A friend recently told me that I care instantly, intentionally, and intensely about people. Where either put aside everything to ensure they know they're cared for, loved, seen and heard. And I felt that to my core. It hadn't been explained to me like that. I care instantly, intentionally and intensely and many times because it's not quick to be reciprocated, it ends in heartbreak.
I would like to figure out how to set better boundaries with that in mind because this dating world is entirely too exhausting. I've been let down so many times and risked thinking I should change my habits or behaviors. Like what should I do? Stoping caring about people? Become a jersey and selfish and the maybe the tables will be turned in my favor?
I'm 39. Been single since I was 21. I don't know what I'm doing. And I don't know who I should change for or what that would look like.
Thank you for this column. Thank you for any type of response. I'm not sure what I'm looking for as any type of answer from this column, but I sure could use some insight into this world.
I'm new member here. So happy to join you all. I would like to see the long version of the rules (short version is above). Where can I find them? I seem to think I read an article way back somewhere. Is it also available here?
I love your work! Wasnt sure how to get you to see this or the group so am putting it here: “matched”
With someone on an app and the usual, where did you grow up, HS, college, blah blah blah.
His respnse to my Catholic HS (he listed he is Catholic) was this:
“Ah, Catholic schoolgirl, interesting”
I think that is a B2B and super creepy…thoughts?
ABSOLUTELY super creepy! Imagine going with "pedophile vibes" as your way to appeal to women 🙄
I B2B but not before I replied with some choice words: (probably shouldn’t have wasted my time but couldn’t help myself!)
"Catholic schoolgirl, interesting"..what does that even mean? I think I know, and that is so creepy...you are why online dating sux... and why my dog proves to be a far better and smarter companion...
Hope you find the bimbo you are looking for...
OMG. I laughed so loud, I woke my kids. Perfect response.
Girl, EEW. What a creep! Good thing he shared that sooner than later. B2B!
Totally creepy
Love you and follow you religiously!
Aww, thank you 🥰
You are a game changer. I blocked someone I was messaging that moved to text, telephone and then intrusive video calls in 2 1/2 weeks. We never met in real life. I let it go to see how far he was going to push it. A couple of things he did to minimize violating my boundaries was say, “I don’t mean that in a sexual way.” When he would say he wished he was physically with me at that moment because he felt so close to me and he needed that touch.
He made screen shots of us talking and then showed me the photos to show me the “look” in my eyes that he felt was for him. ( I was talking about flooding due to global warming). This later became his comment of the look he was looking for while we spoke as if I owed it to him to perform with my body in a way that was what he wanted.
I stated what was appropriate and what my boundaries were several times. He really didn’t want to listen. I’m a former Law Enforcement Officer and was extremely clear with him. I even told him it was ok that we were at different places and we needed to call it a day. He said he didn’t want that but that I needed to hurry up and be in love with him. I ended the phone call and sent him an email. I said very clearly my body is my own, no one will tell me when, where or how I am to use it. That even includes them telling me I need to smile or respond the way they want me to. I also told him emotions can’t be rushed and his behavior is unacceptable to me and to never contact me again. He of course tried several times to reach out to me. All have been blocked and deleted without being read. I wasn’t in any danger here and I have more training and experience than most and put it out there very clearly. I just wanted to share because some may still feel they are doing something wrong because another person isn’t t hearing them or respecting set boundaries. BHDM is the most positive tool to healthy relationships I have ever seen.
It’s not a giant leap to see how men go from thinking a woman needs to smile more to make him feel good to controlling her reproductive rights. Thank you so much.
Lori
I just blocked someone who messaged me on Substack. Since when is this a meat market?
His bio/tag line was "Looking for someone who will laugh at all my jokes." I thought of Burned Haystack immediately!
I also used the Method when looking for a mechanic. Guy answered a query on their website (inviting questions) by castigating my question and refusing to answer (what is your markup policy on parts and do you accept parts purchased elsewhere for repairs). If that is how they respond to their "Ask us anything!" online forum, I don't want to work with them. Nicely ruled them out and I went with the other shop, which has been great.
Thanks for sharing Burned Haystack method - soo useful in so aspects of life!
Me too! I use BHDM in every part of my life now. It is so healthy and respectful. That is exactly the direction I take my life.
Hello Jennie,
I too want to congratulate for you ‘work’ and believe it is far bigger than you may have even planned.
Since being a member and now subscribed to your six week course, I have realised that your words have empowered me to bring all of your ‘rules’ into every relationship of my life.
Five months ago it was published in The Sydney Morning Herald that:
A woman is being violently killed in Australia every four days this year.
https://www.smh.com.au/national/a-woman-is-being-violently-killed-in-australia-every-four-days-this-year-20240424-p5fmcb.html
To get to the point, I believe that your words, which are taking off the blinkers in society, will allow us to begin to stand up for ourselves, and recognise when a relationship is abusive, build women’s self esteem and confidence to know ‘they’ve got this’. To give women tools to recognise abusive relationships and be able to leave feeling empowered.
I live in a village with my mother and a neighbor told my Mum that an elderly man in the village said to her: “the only snake you need to be worried about is the snake between my legs”. This is a new man to the village who moved in with his wife.
You, Jennie, is ‘waking’ us all up and the sleazy, inappropriate conversations need to be called out.
I APPLAUD you.I believe you are called for such a time as this.
Kind regards and Thank you,
Gail Robinson
Australia
(I may have written/posted this incorrectly!)
You are absolutely correct. Well said.
Thank you so much for helping woman to learn and see these patterns in men! I have a question regarding some wording with a man I have been exchanging messages with for about a week. We were talking about the old “whatcha looking for” question and his response is honestly a little confusing to me? Seems like there could be a little “Are You My Mother” rhetorical pattern wording. Any advice would be helpful! (First time posting here so I will try to copy and paste messages)
Me: AND I also love these kinds of messages. Which ALSO leads me even more into your question about what I’m looking for.
I really want a relationship with my best friend. Sounds like super corny and cheese but it the truth 😂
I am very happy in my life and I have built my life myself. I want a MAN who can see a strong independent woman and not be scared of her and want to build her up and not be threatened by that. Also not take advantage of that either! So someone who is also established in life and is willing to put in the work that a relationship requires because it is a lot of work! Someone who is very self aware and also wants to wake up everyday and be the best version of themselves they can be that day! 💚
What kind of woman are you looking for?!
Him: To respond to your answer as well as your question... It sounds like we're on the same wave length 😊 I would've thought the use of "my best friend" as a teenager was cheesy... But that is probably the best phrase to use, no?! I mean... "Love of my life" is not only overused, but people certainly confuse lust with love. I know I did for many, many years 😅 lol more to that I could share I'd imagine, but I'll keep myself from going off the rails with the subject 😜As far as what I'm looking for? Honestly? A strong, independent woman who balances me out! 😅 It'd be one thing to have a kid together and decide for you to stay a stay at home mom (bare with me, you'll see where I'm going with this example lol) and depend on me to bring in the income and etc of a traditional household... But I don't want to have to worry like most do about their women in such lifestyles. Met too many and had a woman I nearly married that spent too much time worrying about dealing with her own emotions and being an adult that I don't want a girl (though I use that term often when greeting ladies lol)... I want a woman dang it! 😁 Confident, independent, and preferably light hearted/caring.
Someone I can truly trust to not only take care of herself, but kids, dogs, house, or WHATEVER we have in the event I'm not around - and I do mean NOT around in the sad term 😅 know what I mean? Trust.
And of course... The kind of woman that can obliterate me and build me back up should she need to... Or pick me up and help me out of whatever spell I'm under.
Thanks again for any advice!
Hi Jennie,
Thank you for sharing this material in such am accessible and generous way.
I am new to your work, so I was going through the quick links above, and wanted to let you know that the following links no longer go anywhere:
Video versions HERE .
Rhetorical patterns to know HERE.
Translate it to real life HERE.
Facebook group rules HERE.
I would love to view/read these if you were able and willing to refresh the links (understanding that you are likely busy, so without any pressure).
Warm regards and Happy New Year!
https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1KBgAucDZh/?mibextid=wwXIfr link to a Hallmark movie spoof, in case you want to add to your posts on Christmas movies. I enjoy your material and have learned a lot. Thanks!
My experience on the apps has been abysmal. I joined Match, OKCupid, OurTime and Bumble a year ago. For the first 6 months, all the men who reached out were not even close to anything I am looking for (over 75 years old, lived 100s of miles away, etc) and those I reached out to never responded.
In June I matched with a man on OurTime and it was everything I’d hoped for. He did everything right. For a month. Then he announced he was getting back with an ex. You know, the “crazy” one who he’d already broken up with twice before. Sigh.
Next was the man who messaged me the day after our brief walk asking me to come to his house for breakfast. When I said no thank you and wished him well, he came back in hot to say that he thought since I’m retired and he works from home, we should get together for daytime sex. BLOCK
Then I discovered Burned Haystack. I paid for the tutorials on styling my profile and posting the right kinds of photos, etc. I quickly B2B’d most of the men thrown my way on Hinge, OurTime, Coffee Meets Bagel and Bumble. Again, the men I reached out to never responded. In the months since I have been practicing Burned Haystack, I have matched with exactly 4 men; they were ALL running the Pig Butcher scam.
Clearly, I am doing something wrong. Any comments would be appreciated.
I’ve had a similar experience, except for “pig butcher scam” — not familiar with this phrase.
The Pig Butcher, so named because the victim is being led to slaughter, is a months-long con. The man is empathetic, engaged, responsive, kind — but also never available for phone calls, video chats or in-person meetings. Because the “man” is working out of a call center in Asia. I caught wise after a couple of DAYS non-stop love bombing. Now I can spot the scam in their profile.
It’s so disappointing. I mean, we are just out here looking to love someone!
Love your work and reading all the tips and watching your tiktok and Insta posts. I would like advice on what to write in my profile to attract men who properly suit me. I can't find this advice anywhere but am sure it is here somewhere, tips for writing your app profile? Can you advise please
I do have one simple probably question. If you match up with 2 men, like them both, have things in common with both, good conversation with both. How do you choose one over the other? I have yet to “meet” either but plans are in the making for both.
Thank you
https://open.substack.com/pub/billionairbear/p/dating-the-yesmaybeno-grid?r=1g5bw0&utm_medium=ios
My counselor turned me on to this following of Burned Haystack. She mentioned maybe posting about my most recent experience to potentially gain insight into myself and the dating world.
I started chatting with a guy through an app called WooPlus. Dating app for plus size people or at least people who are more interested in the plus size world. So I'm sure that in itself was more of a red flag than what I wanted to admit to. But as a plus size woman in my late thirties, I figured why not. The app promotes body positivity, and I joined thinking it would be a positive experience. I also joined with the thought and intent that only plus size people date plus size people.
This guy and I chatted off and on for a couple of years. Hit or miss really. Lots of comments about my size and he was into it. We'll the end of this summer we reconnected and really started talking to get to know each other. More texting, phone calls before and after work. Conversations about the future, things we wanted and would look forward to, but I guess in hindsight not really things that spoke about "our" future.
We agreed to meet half way as he lives 4 hours away, to spend a weekend in a mutual place and just see how we interact in person. From my perspective, and I guess his we had a great weekend. Lots of laughing and fun and kept on with the conversations we had over the phone while we were in person. I did ask him at the end of the weekend, with no pressure intended, where he thought he would see us going. And he said he didn't want to be pressured into something right away as he made that mistake before, but wanted to spend more time with me to see how we work on a project together, or just sit and hang out.
After that weekend we kept up with the conversations. Mostly him rambling about useless information and how his day was. I foregoed mentioning anything about us ad not not come across being pressuring. But at this point I was already catching feelings. He made me feel safe, from what I could tell he was being open and honest, and I looked forward to hearing from him daily.
We made a mutual plan that I would visit him over a long weekend. I would drive to where he lives and spend the weekend getting to know each other more. He made the suggestions of cooking together, puzzles, working on a project together, going and seeing sites of where he lives, and maybe having a bonfire.
And I thought that's what the plan was. To get to know each other just by being around each other more.
Within the hour of me arriving he pulled me into the kitchen and kissed me amd hugged me and told he was very glad I was there. Then just a couple short hours later, he turned to me and said "full disclosure, I still don't know what I want." I was taken back and shocked. I wasn't expecting that my day of arrival he would have said that, so my response was it's OK. When deep inside I struggled with the why. Why invest the time in calling me and why invest the time in me driving all the way down here?
The next day I brought up what he said about not knowing what he wants. And then he paired that with "ideally someone closer." We get out of his car, and I walk ahead trying to gather my thoughts. And we he caught up, he said I hope what I said didn't upset you. And I brushed it off again with, no it's OK. I get it. Hiding the hurt and confusion of why I was even there.
I was supposed to stay until Monday as it was a holiday, but I opted to leave on Sunday and used weather as an excuse. We went to lunch in town before I left, and he side hugged me and said it was good to see you.
I need time to process things. I also internalize everything instead of seeing flags or immediately pointing fingers at someone. I don't like to be on the defense and I don't like putting people in that position as well, so it was a quiet 4 1/2 hrs drive home mulling over everything.
I text him I made it home ok. He said goo's and asked about the drive. I said it was quiet and spent the whole time thinking. He asked if I wanted to call and talk and I said not right now. Later texted him and told him how unfair it felt that he let things build up and left me thinking and feeling a certain way, and allowing me to drive all the there if he didn't know what he wanted. He did apologize through text. Saying it wasn't where he was at all along, it had just hit him that week.
I gave him outs before I even came down there. I said if you really aren't sure or aren't in a spot, it's OK. It doesn't have to happen. But he kept saying yes to me being there. So I figured we were still lon the same page about getting to know each other amd maybe moving forward whether together or not.
Monday morning he called to see how I was doing and really apologize again for the ways things went. I told him I was ok and was trying to move on but hiding the hurt. We talked ont he phone later that day and I was able to tell him how hurt I was. I was able to say that it was unfair and i was under the impression we were meeting again to see how we worked together. We planned that mutually, not one sided. He again apologized but backed it up with the not knowing.
Then I was ghosted for two weeks. No text, no calls after that. And I sat thinking what the he'll did I do wrong? Say? Not say? I delayed on messaging him because ultimately I know his mind is made up about himself and nothing I could do to change it, but I still care enough to at least want know how he's been. So I messaged him recently. He responded right away. He asked me how I was doing and I said things have been tough. Work, this and that, and not hearing from you for two weeks really sucked. He text back saying he wanted to give me some space that he thought I needed. Amd he admitted to missing talking to me. I said he could call anytime, not knowing when or what that conversation would even look like. But I do like talking to him as a friend.
He just called me this passed Saturday morning. We battered back and forth like usual but I wasn't the same with my quick witted responses. Then he said, hey can I tell you something? I said sure. He said I've been thinking alot and wanted to apologize again about hurting you. I realize now after looking back where I went wrong in my communication and I know now how I led you on. I think we both thought we were on the same page without actually having that conversation. I see now where I was love bombing because I do that frequently in any conversation with anyone. And you're very sweet, kind, beautiful and smart and you didn't deserve that from me so I'm sorry.
I hesitated to respond but I told him where I thought things were and went into the weekend with that assumption because we had talked about it. But I see where my communication probably wasn't clear either. But the past two weeks have sucked because everything I said or did mulled over in my head about what's wrong with me and everything I did wrong. And honestly I left feeling very stupid about everything. He said he understood and I shouldn't beat myself up or feel stupid. He realized he was scared the moment I arrived about potentially ending up in a relationship and he doesn't know where his job is going to take him, the distance, and he realized he's just not ready to bring someone into that part of his life and have them change theirs eith the unknown. He wished he would have recognized it sooner, but he recognized it when I got to his place and it all hit him. And yes it was unfair for him to being recognizing that after I made the drive to his house.
I'm glad we had that conversation to understand now. But I still feel left in shambles. A friend recently told me that I care instantly, intentionally, and intensely about people. Where either put aside everything to ensure they know they're cared for, loved, seen and heard. And I felt that to my core. It hadn't been explained to me like that. I care instantly, intentionally and intensely and many times because it's not quick to be reciprocated, it ends in heartbreak.
I would like to figure out how to set better boundaries with that in mind because this dating world is entirely too exhausting. I've been let down so many times and risked thinking I should change my habits or behaviors. Like what should I do? Stoping caring about people? Become a jersey and selfish and the maybe the tables will be turned in my favor?
I'm 39. Been single since I was 21. I don't know what I'm doing. And I don't know who I should change for or what that would look like.
Thank you for this column. Thank you for any type of response. I'm not sure what I'm looking for as any type of answer from this column, but I sure could use some insight into this world.
Have you seen this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-nn_dNEEQw
I'm new member here. So happy to join you all. I would like to see the long version of the rules (short version is above). Where can I find them? I seem to think I read an article way back somewhere. Is it also available here?
I found this in Facebook and found it fascinating. How people meet their other half: https://www.facebook.com/share/v/Y1TdrxmN1Epj2MqM/?mibextid=WC7FNe