I couldn't just pass by without womansplaining: can't open a lid on a jar? Stab the lid with a knife making an airhole. Then open it with ease. Man-problem solved.
Hahaha too funny. I find sticking a butter knife under the lid works well too, it pops the seal and then opens easily ( I would probably lose a finger trying your option, clumsy over here…) 🤣😁
Thanks for so honestly sharing your journey that we are now on together! The Artist’s Way changed my life also. Went through it twice: once in the 12 week version with a small group then a 12 month pace with a subset of that group committed to each other’s growth.
I have a fantastic jar opener device with different sized openings for different lids.
Yeah, but that only works if you’re using the whole jar. For glass jars with metal lids, I take a butter knife, or fork or spoon handle and bang it going around the whole lid on the corner of the lid. It makes little dents, but doesn’t break it. It breaks the seal and you can twist it open, then close it again. If it gets stuck after opening, bang around the entire circle again. It opens it with a little pop, but it’s easy on my arthritic hands ( I’ve had arthritis since I was 26 , so about 26 years of arthritis now, ( so I’ve figured out a lot of hacks).
It's even easier to pop a jar lid by breaking the vacuum seal with a can opener. Just hook the underside of the lid with the bottle-opener and lift. You'll hear a 'shwiff' sound as the air comes out, and the lid will unscrew easily.
I think I learned my method when I was in college and didn’t have luxury items like can openers 🤣, I’ll be sure to try your way now I live in luxury ( aka with things like can openers).
That's what I do too--use a butter knife or regular dinner knife and bang around the edges five or six times. I'm familiar with the "pop" as it opens. :)
They’re also great for other things where seals aren’t the issue. I used them to get a better grip on a screwdriver the other day. It went from impossible to smooth as butter.
Another trick: tap the jar lid firmly 4-6 times - I usually do north, south, east, west - on the edge of something hard (like a stone countertop). Hard enough to create slight dents in the edge of the lid. This breaks the seal, also allowing for easy opening. I was single for 4 or so years before my newly single cousin taught me this after injuring her hand.
Totally agree with the jar-edge tap. And I wrap a rubber glove (gotta use that super-size box of pandemic gloves for something!) to help with grip on the jar lid because I have carpal tunnel in both hands. And I got tired of crouching on the floor, gripping the jar with my thighs, and screaming, “I just want a f*cking pickle!”
I also like to use a bottle opener (the pointy side of a can opener) to gently lift the edges of the jar lid. When the center "pops" you can easily open it.
I truly appreciate every single nuance in this treatise. I feel like I've walked the same path and also finally found my purpose, only after the same singleness was lived. I finally ventured back into "couplehood", carefully considered and thoughtfully executed, with what I thought was with a man who "got it" and for all the "right" reasons. After a few years, I discovered the 100 minute ways he undermined or tried to diminish my success, alter my path, or subtly sabotage moving forward. All the while verbally and publicly "supporting" my plans/project. I decided that my life didn't need the subtle undercurrent of tug of war that pursuing my success entailed. Instead of adding to my life/peace of mind/contentment, the relationship added stress/discontent/restlessness on a microscopic level. Nothing big, no huge dramatic moments. But something I am not willing to live with. I'm 69 years old. I still have a lot to do but I won't do it dragging an anchor behind me. The benefits of the relationship were far smaller than the benefits of the freedom of singleness, for me.
I’ve also taken wild life leaps and have landed safely; until the most recent time when I was pushed hard, unexpectedly and painfully and fell, flailing through space.
Still, though, I landed hard but upright - and something inside says quietly that this tumble will prove to be the greatest blessing of all.
The proverb that goes “Remember, these are the good old days” somehow fits with your description of your own unchosen chapter that unexpectedly gave you the space and grace to create something that really matters.
This time and space are a gift, even if we would never have chosen them.
May all women who need them find these gifts in their own unexpected times and hard places.
I found my needle 11 years ago after leaving a 15-year marriage and taking some time to heal. It’s been wonderful beyond words, even though my needle has a serious, life-limiting disease (terminal, in other words). His health has been getting more complicated this year, and beyond one certain eventual outcome, we don’t know what’s coming.
This essay was really helpful for me in imagining that future that I absolutely do not want—I know, but it’s helpful to be reminded, that I will still be a whole person, capable of generative creativity, even on the other side of the Big Loss that’s waiting for me.
After spending most of my life (I’ll be 59 in 2 weeks) either in a romantic partnerships or searching for one, I’m finally off the treadmill. I am deliriously happy to not have that feeling like something is missing in my life, that I’m not whole if I’m not with a man, or even seeking one.
I AM THE NEEDLE.
And he can come find me. 🙏🏻
Happy Singlehood week to all the amazing needles out there. 🩷
I am also facing a room of my own. And I am torn between dreading it (in a sense, it is a worst case scenario) and yet I really, really want to go there. I have been standing in the doorway, fighting myself.
I guess it is time to take a leap. Thank you sooo much for your honestly and openness!
I thank you for this gift Jennie, not only the gift of your insight, knowledge and wisdom, but as you point out, the gift of this community that has been created among women who have experienced so many commonalities and yet choose to continue to come together to grow and to share with and to support one another so that whether or not we choose to search for our needle, we will all be better for finding the needle within ourselves.
I decided to not date for the past year in order to work on some personal goals. I had come to the same conclusion you have that dating is time consuming, distracting and wouldn’t allow me to fully invest my time in my own endeavors.
Truer words have never been spoken. I ended a 2-year relationship with a low-commitment man for whom I made HUGE sacrifices for, a year and a half ago. Since our break up, I have accomplished so much. I started a business that I've been dreaming about for years (one that he discouraged because it would take too much time away from "us," which meant him.) I've also gotten a promotion at my job and significantly increased sales in another side business I have. Everyone asks me how I do it, and I tell them I can get a lot accomplished when my time is all my own. I love being alone. I love my mornings and my evenings to myself, but still I wish I could have a partner, one who enhances my life instead of one who drains it. I'm still hopeful, but I am unwilling to sacrifice my freedom for it.
I work in a bookshop; The Artist’s Way is a few feet from me right now… and I want to be an artist. And I’ve just realised that all the time and space I have been lamenting is exactly what I need. Thank you! This essay is brilliant.
You can absolutely become an artist. Seriously, that book is amazing. She somehow gets that little judgy voice in your head to quiet down and you just start creating. I’d say it’s like magic except it’s quite a bit of work! But it works. 😉
Concur re: The Artist’s Way. I think I have three copies and do the morning pages exercise although not as consistently as would be ideal. This has inspired me to pull it out and reread it. Was watching clips of Robert Redford this week - one he talked about a book that inspired him called The Soul’s Code by James Hillman which I ordered for my Kindle. I think I will read the two concurrently this week. Maybe Virginia Wolf too. ❤️
Julia has another fabulous book: “It’s Never Too Late to Begin Again: Discovering Creativity and Meaning at Midlife and Beyond.” It takes gems from “The Artist’s Way” (like Morning Pages and Artist Dates) and frames them for this season of life, and addresses feelings of being untethered and seeking a new sense of purpose. I particularly love the section on memoir writing (that’s my personal jam). 📖 Highly recommend! 🙌🏼
Something struck me immediately about having alone time and being able to accomplish something amazing because of it. Historically, men have created more (art, music, literature), and made more scientific discoveries than women - a fact that we’ve all had thrown in our faces as evidence that women are inferior (my first career was in engineering so I had this conversation a lot). One reason for this is that for men, marriage wasn’t wasn’t a burden on their time - it was a benefit. Women were taking care of the household and any children, so men could have plenty of time alone to focus on their work. Most women had to marry - they had no way of making a living - and so most women had little or no time alone because of all the unpaid labor they had to do. Even upper-class women, who didn’t have to actually work around the house, were pressured to marry, and in addition to running the household, they had social and decorative obligations that took up most of their time - I’m thinking now of Miss Bingley and Mr Darcy talking about all the “accomplishments” a woman of their class should have. Writing was something of an exception - Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters, Edith Wharton - but until the last 50-100 years or so, women were still very much in the minority.
It always irked me that every article I’ve read on Jane Austen has to mention that she never married. She probably would’ve not had time to write had she married.
Wives also acted as men’s secretaries, copyists, editors, coauthors (without credit), and had their scientific and other works and discoveries literally credited to their husbands, because women weren’t allowed to participate in public life.
Grateful for this today and glad it finally pushed me to download substack and join. I follow you on FB and love everything you share though I find some of the comments on posts painful and even toxic. There is a lot of anger out there and justifiably so. I really appreciate your particular vibe. I’m not an angry single person. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. I’m living without much hope at the moment. But I’m also finally at that moment where I too crave calm, comforting, stable and sustainable. I can’t do another whirlwind. My nervous system can’t take it. So thank you for your words, your writing. Thank you for giving me another perspective without shaming me for wanting something elusive.
Oh, Jennie, first, thank you so much for sharing part of your personal journey to Burned Haystack. I so appreciate your vulnerability with all of us. YOU created this safe space, this tribe, that holds us with strong and loving hearts. You are such an inspiration!
Second, your beautiful, funny, and spot-on writing and ideas have given me the courage to stop looking for a man, and to focus on me for a change. You and this group are helping me to see that I can do this!!💓
I couldn't just pass by without womansplaining: can't open a lid on a jar? Stab the lid with a knife making an airhole. Then open it with ease. Man-problem solved.
Hahaha too funny. I find sticking a butter knife under the lid works well too, it pops the seal and then opens easily ( I would probably lose a finger trying your option, clumsy over here…) 🤣😁
I second this method. You can also run the lid under a hot tap for extra measure!
Thanks for so honestly sharing your journey that we are now on together! The Artist’s Way changed my life also. Went through it twice: once in the 12 week version with a small group then a 12 month pace with a subset of that group committed to each other’s growth.
I have a fantastic jar opener device with different sized openings for different lids.
Me too.
You can also run a metal lid under hot water. It will expand a little bit and BOOM, you’ve opened it yourself 💪🏼
Yeah, but that only works if you’re using the whole jar. For glass jars with metal lids, I take a butter knife, or fork or spoon handle and bang it going around the whole lid on the corner of the lid. It makes little dents, but doesn’t break it. It breaks the seal and you can twist it open, then close it again. If it gets stuck after opening, bang around the entire circle again. It opens it with a little pop, but it’s easy on my arthritic hands ( I’ve had arthritis since I was 26 , so about 26 years of arthritis now, ( so I’ve figured out a lot of hacks).
It's even easier to pop a jar lid by breaking the vacuum seal with a can opener. Just hook the underside of the lid with the bottle-opener and lift. You'll hear a 'shwiff' sound as the air comes out, and the lid will unscrew easily.
I think I learned my method when I was in college and didn’t have luxury items like can openers 🤣, I’ll be sure to try your way now I live in luxury ( aka with things like can openers).
I do that as well! It also helps to have one of those rubber lid openers to help with gripping the lid.
That's what I do too--use a butter knife or regular dinner knife and bang around the edges five or six times. I'm familiar with the "pop" as it opens. :)
Or those cheap gardening gloves with plastic palms and fingers. They’re AMAZING at creating more grip strength.
If you get rid of the seal/vacuum, as the other suggestions note, the grip strength is moot. =)
They’re also great for other things where seals aren’t the issue. I used them to get a better grip on a screwdriver the other day. It went from impossible to smooth as butter.
Weirdly the tapping method can reseal once you close the jar. It shouldn’t, but it often does.
this is what I use. I discovered how well they grip watching a youtube video about how to get an oven light out.
I think there's a definite slogan in there somewhere... "Got a man problem? Stab it" 😉
I feel like that should be on a t-shirt😆
Hahahaha, thank you! ❤️
Another trick: tap the jar lid firmly 4-6 times - I usually do north, south, east, west - on the edge of something hard (like a stone countertop). Hard enough to create slight dents in the edge of the lid. This breaks the seal, also allowing for easy opening. I was single for 4 or so years before my newly single cousin taught me this after injuring her hand.
Totally agree with the jar-edge tap. And I wrap a rubber glove (gotta use that super-size box of pandemic gloves for something!) to help with grip on the jar lid because I have carpal tunnel in both hands. And I got tired of crouching on the floor, gripping the jar with my thighs, and screaming, “I just want a f*cking pickle!”
This is the method I use.
3 or 4 distributed whacks with the dull edge of a butter knife will do it, too. Good outlet for aggression as well! 😆
Or get a jar key, a plastic gadget like a bottle opener but made for jars. It releases the vacuum, and bob’s your uncle.
And then put tape on the hole lol
I’ve tried the Artists Way twice. Nada. Zilch . I wish it were different.
I turn the jar upside down and smack the lid once on a hard surface, turn it back over, and, voila! No damage to the lid and it reseals easily.
I use a bottle opener to pop out the side of the lid
My dad got me one of these and it has been a game changer:
https://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/kuhn-rikon-compact-jar-opener/
I also like to use a bottle opener (the pointy side of a can opener) to gently lift the edges of the jar lid. When the center "pops" you can easily open it.
I truly appreciate every single nuance in this treatise. I feel like I've walked the same path and also finally found my purpose, only after the same singleness was lived. I finally ventured back into "couplehood", carefully considered and thoughtfully executed, with what I thought was with a man who "got it" and for all the "right" reasons. After a few years, I discovered the 100 minute ways he undermined or tried to diminish my success, alter my path, or subtly sabotage moving forward. All the while verbally and publicly "supporting" my plans/project. I decided that my life didn't need the subtle undercurrent of tug of war that pursuing my success entailed. Instead of adding to my life/peace of mind/contentment, the relationship added stress/discontent/restlessness on a microscopic level. Nothing big, no huge dramatic moments. But something I am not willing to live with. I'm 69 years old. I still have a lot to do but I won't do it dragging an anchor behind me. The benefits of the relationship were far smaller than the benefits of the freedom of singleness, for me.
Thank you, Jennie.
I’ve also taken wild life leaps and have landed safely; until the most recent time when I was pushed hard, unexpectedly and painfully and fell, flailing through space.
Still, though, I landed hard but upright - and something inside says quietly that this tumble will prove to be the greatest blessing of all.
The proverb that goes “Remember, these are the good old days” somehow fits with your description of your own unchosen chapter that unexpectedly gave you the space and grace to create something that really matters.
This time and space are a gift, even if we would never have chosen them.
May all women who need them find these gifts in their own unexpected times and hard places.
"Give me partnership, yes, but make it calm and comforting and stable and sustainable.
I am no longer in the market for whirlwinds." BINGO
This was really lovely, thank you.
I found my needle 11 years ago after leaving a 15-year marriage and taking some time to heal. It’s been wonderful beyond words, even though my needle has a serious, life-limiting disease (terminal, in other words). His health has been getting more complicated this year, and beyond one certain eventual outcome, we don’t know what’s coming.
This essay was really helpful for me in imagining that future that I absolutely do not want—I know, but it’s helpful to be reminded, that I will still be a whole person, capable of generative creativity, even on the other side of the Big Loss that’s waiting for me.
So thank you.
Wishing you strength on your journey, hopefully you can still enjoy some unforgettable moments with your needle.
After spending most of my life (I’ll be 59 in 2 weeks) either in a romantic partnerships or searching for one, I’m finally off the treadmill. I am deliriously happy to not have that feeling like something is missing in my life, that I’m not whole if I’m not with a man, or even seeking one.
I AM THE NEEDLE.
And he can come find me. 🙏🏻
Happy Singlehood week to all the amazing needles out there. 🩷
So good to hear the backstory! I’ve had a similar experience. Grateful for you!
Holy crap, I needed this today.
I am also facing a room of my own. And I am torn between dreading it (in a sense, it is a worst case scenario) and yet I really, really want to go there. I have been standing in the doorway, fighting myself.
I guess it is time to take a leap. Thank you sooo much for your honestly and openness!
I thank you for this gift Jennie, not only the gift of your insight, knowledge and wisdom, but as you point out, the gift of this community that has been created among women who have experienced so many commonalities and yet choose to continue to come together to grow and to share with and to support one another so that whether or not we choose to search for our needle, we will all be better for finding the needle within ourselves.
I decided to not date for the past year in order to work on some personal goals. I had come to the same conclusion you have that dating is time consuming, distracting and wouldn’t allow me to fully invest my time in my own endeavors.
Truer words have never been spoken. I ended a 2-year relationship with a low-commitment man for whom I made HUGE sacrifices for, a year and a half ago. Since our break up, I have accomplished so much. I started a business that I've been dreaming about for years (one that he discouraged because it would take too much time away from "us," which meant him.) I've also gotten a promotion at my job and significantly increased sales in another side business I have. Everyone asks me how I do it, and I tell them I can get a lot accomplished when my time is all my own. I love being alone. I love my mornings and my evenings to myself, but still I wish I could have a partner, one who enhances my life instead of one who drains it. I'm still hopeful, but I am unwilling to sacrifice my freedom for it.
I work in a bookshop; The Artist’s Way is a few feet from me right now… and I want to be an artist. And I’ve just realised that all the time and space I have been lamenting is exactly what I need. Thank you! This essay is brilliant.
I love reading that a bookshop still exists somewhere.
You can absolutely become an artist. Seriously, that book is amazing. She somehow gets that little judgy voice in your head to quiet down and you just start creating. I’d say it’s like magic except it’s quite a bit of work! But it works. 😉
Concur re: The Artist’s Way. I think I have three copies and do the morning pages exercise although not as consistently as would be ideal. This has inspired me to pull it out and reread it. Was watching clips of Robert Redford this week - one he talked about a book that inspired him called The Soul’s Code by James Hillman which I ordered for my Kindle. I think I will read the two concurrently this week. Maybe Virginia Wolf too. ❤️
I interviewed Julia Cameron when she launched her book “The Creative Life: True Tales of Inspiration.” https://www.wow-womenonwriting.com/41-Inspiration-JuliaCameron.html
Julia has another fabulous book: “It’s Never Too Late to Begin Again: Discovering Creativity and Meaning at Midlife and Beyond.” It takes gems from “The Artist’s Way” (like Morning Pages and Artist Dates) and frames them for this season of life, and addresses feelings of being untethered and seeking a new sense of purpose. I particularly love the section on memoir writing (that’s my personal jam). 📖 Highly recommend! 🙌🏼
Thank you for the book referral! I had not heard of The Soul’s Code ❤️
Me either but if it inspired Robert Redford I’m in….
Something struck me immediately about having alone time and being able to accomplish something amazing because of it. Historically, men have created more (art, music, literature), and made more scientific discoveries than women - a fact that we’ve all had thrown in our faces as evidence that women are inferior (my first career was in engineering so I had this conversation a lot). One reason for this is that for men, marriage wasn’t wasn’t a burden on their time - it was a benefit. Women were taking care of the household and any children, so men could have plenty of time alone to focus on their work. Most women had to marry - they had no way of making a living - and so most women had little or no time alone because of all the unpaid labor they had to do. Even upper-class women, who didn’t have to actually work around the house, were pressured to marry, and in addition to running the household, they had social and decorative obligations that took up most of their time - I’m thinking now of Miss Bingley and Mr Darcy talking about all the “accomplishments” a woman of their class should have. Writing was something of an exception - Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters, Edith Wharton - but until the last 50-100 years or so, women were still very much in the minority.
It always irked me that every article I’ve read on Jane Austen has to mention that she never married. She probably would’ve not had time to write had she married.
Wives also acted as men’s secretaries, copyists, editors, coauthors (without credit), and had their scientific and other works and discoveries literally credited to their husbands, because women weren’t allowed to participate in public life.
Grateful for this today and glad it finally pushed me to download substack and join. I follow you on FB and love everything you share though I find some of the comments on posts painful and even toxic. There is a lot of anger out there and justifiably so. I really appreciate your particular vibe. I’m not an angry single person. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. I’m living without much hope at the moment. But I’m also finally at that moment where I too crave calm, comforting, stable and sustainable. I can’t do another whirlwind. My nervous system can’t take it. So thank you for your words, your writing. Thank you for giving me another perspective without shaming me for wanting something elusive.
Oh, Jennie, first, thank you so much for sharing part of your personal journey to Burned Haystack. I so appreciate your vulnerability with all of us. YOU created this safe space, this tribe, that holds us with strong and loving hearts. You are such an inspiration!
Second, your beautiful, funny, and spot-on writing and ideas have given me the courage to stop looking for a man, and to focus on me for a change. You and this group are helping me to see that I can do this!!💓