Discussion Forum on Sex Positivity, The Gray Zone of Consent, and the Female Price of Male Pleasure
Let's turn Facebook and Substack into a public classroom space . . .
Hi Haystackers! We’re addressing some things in the Facebook group that lend themselves to discussion, so I am building this post to facilitate that discussion. I invite you all to share and support each other in tackling these readings and then processing them together. Thank you for being here.
The original post on Facebook was generated by this group member question:
The text of my response:
To answer this question in an overly simplistic way: Yes. Here's what happened: the concept of sex-positivity and sex-positive feminism was introduced to recognize and celebrate women as full sexual beings who desire sex as much as men and deserve GOOD sex as much as men. It was inclusive and empowering and intended to combat slut-shaming, repression, oppression, and misogyny.
Approximately 5 minutes later (I'm being figurative), straight men managed to co-opt this movement and make it work in their favor. The prevailing message, SOMEHOW, and by some tricky and insane collective manipulation of rhetoric, turned into this: If you're a real feminist, you're down for anything with anyone, all the time.
Young women are now rejecting sex positivity outright because they understand that they are being exploited and duped.
Here are three relevant readings:
"Why Sex Positive Feminism is Falling out of Fashion" [the links are worth reading in this one as well]
"The #MeToo Movement: Navigating Sex in the Gray Zone"
"The Female Price of Male Pleasure" (*warning that this one is kind of rough to read; it's also probably the most brilliant argument I've ever read published in the public sphere)
Okay . . . Please give yourself time to work through and digest these . . . there’s “a lot” in there. And please discuss with each other ❤️
~Jennie
What I find missing in these is an acknowledgment that men are generally physically stronger than women and that this creates a very real imbalance. A man making sexual comments to a female stranger walking alone is not complimentary, it’s scary!!
A woman saying no (to sex) to a man who is physically bigger & stronger can be risky - they may or may not respect your wishes. Right? When we feel at risk physically, our stress response kicks in to (hopefully) ensure our survival - but this instinctual response makes it very hard to think straight. We might go into freeze / fawn and go along with ‘grey sex’ rather than risk being forced. I wonder how many of the ‘bad sex’ experiences from a male point of view are actually because the other person went into freeze / fawn stress response?
Re: “the female price of male pleasure”
As a gynecologist, I have the “pain wasn’t even included in the studies” talk with countless women. Women who come to my office honestly thinking they are doing something wrong, and scored their partners are going to leave them, hurt them, or find another lover. Often they have physical pain, and for years have kept silent because that what what they were taught was expected of them. It very often develops or worsens after menopause.
And while it’s absolutely true that not only do many, if not most women have experienced and dismissed physical sexual pain, the topic of the mental pain that females experience is also largely ignored. *I do not mean trauma in this case.
We have been taught the man’s climax is the end goal (hence the viagra). So, we roll over for boring or unsatisfying sex. It’s even portrayed in movies - the man going to town while the woman lies there prostrate, eyes fixed on the ceiling and wholly unsatisfied. Why do we continue with the one-sided act? We don’t go to dinner to watch someone else eat while we starve. So why do we put up with being sexually neglected?
What we are most discouraged doing is communicating about and during sex. Men are practically never taught to ask, and women are practically never taught to speak. And the toll the silence has taken for generations is exemplified in these articles.
It is sadly “feminist” to demand an equal expectation of pleasure in sexual acts.
I try to empower my patients, encourage them to communicate with their partners, to not “lay down” and take it without recognizing their own worth and getting their needs met. Becasue yes, they also have sexual needs.
For levity, but not really, I remind them that they aren’t just a hole for men to stick their penises in; that’s what they make blow-up dolls for.
In this group of BHM women who are out attempting to find their needles, please begin the communication before that level of intimacy occurs with any new partner. Your needle will meet you where you are, and if sex causes you physical pain, s/he should eagerly discover ways to give and receive pleasure that doesn’t elicit that pain. Conversely, if you seek to derive pleasure from your sexual encounters, and you don’t after communicating what works or what doesn’t, then they meet the distinct qualification of being BTB. There is no shame of demanding to get your socks rocked - it’s not feminist, it’s biology.