Discussion Forum on Sex Positivity, The Gray Zone of Consent, and the Female Price of Male Pleasure
Let's turn Facebook and Substack into a public classroom space . . .
Hi Haystackers! We’re addressing some things in the Facebook group that lend themselves to discussion, so I am building this post to facilitate that discussion. I invite you all to share and support each other in tackling these readings and then processing them together. Thank you for being here.
The original post on Facebook was generated by this group member question:
The text of my response:
To answer this question in an overly simplistic way: Yes. Here's what happened: the concept of sex-positivity and sex-positive feminism was introduced to recognize and celebrate women as full sexual beings who desire sex as much as men and deserve GOOD sex as much as men. It was inclusive and empowering and intended to combat slut-shaming, repression, oppression, and misogyny.
Approximately 5 minutes later (I'm being figurative), straight men managed to co-opt this movement and make it work in their favor. The prevailing message, SOMEHOW, and by some tricky and insane collective manipulation of rhetoric, turned into this: If you're a real feminist, you're down for anything with anyone, all the time.
Young women are now rejecting sex positivity outright because they understand that they are being exploited and duped.
Here are three relevant readings:
"Why Sex Positive Feminism is Falling out of Fashion" [the links are worth reading in this one as well]
"The #MeToo Movement: Navigating Sex in the Gray Zone"
"The Female Price of Male Pleasure" (*warning that this one is kind of rough to read; it's also probably the most brilliant argument I've ever read published in the public sphere)
Okay . . . Please give yourself time to work through and digest these . . . there’s “a lot” in there. And please discuss with each other ❤️
~Jennie
What I find missing in these is an acknowledgment that men are generally physically stronger than women and that this creates a very real imbalance. A man making sexual comments to a female stranger walking alone is not complimentary, it’s scary!!
A woman saying no (to sex) to a man who is physically bigger & stronger can be risky - they may or may not respect your wishes. Right? When we feel at risk physically, our stress response kicks in to (hopefully) ensure our survival - but this instinctual response makes it very hard to think straight. We might go into freeze / fawn and go along with ‘grey sex’ rather than risk being forced. I wonder how many of the ‘bad sex’ experiences from a male point of view are actually because the other person went into freeze / fawn stress response?
The last article is rough going, for sure. And just how much women are asked to suffer in so many aspects of life. And to the earlier points about GGG, I agree with you all about that. I’ve worked in birth work for many years and many women are putting a brave face on to endure their lives—their marriages, religions, careers, mothering—demand soooo much from them, and we all just expect them to be long suffering in all of it.