Don't Go Chasing Butterflies
Or, more specifically: Don't go chasing men who are chasing butterflies
A Burned Haystack® community member asked me to analyze this man’s profile:
Most of the Burned Haystack rhetorical patterns are intended to identify toxic/red flag behavior so that you can block-to-burn immediately with no wasted time or energy and without putting yourself in a bad situation (you can find the patterns here for now in the “rhet patts” highlight, but they have their own chapter in the book—forthcoming from HarperCollins!): https://www.instagram.com/word_case_scenario/
I haven’t yet made a rhetorical pattern for the butterfly-chasers (but I might!!!), and I think it’s worth discussing.
A middle-aged man who leads with “I want butterflies” might not be a serious consideration for dating if you’re looking for a long-term relationship. Not because there’s anything wrong with butterflies or with wanting them, but because that’s an unrealistic wish to hold so dear if you’re using a dating app.
People who succeed in finding their needles on the apps take a business-like approach to the endeavor, not a romantic one. I would like to write this sentence one million more times, which is unrealistic and obnoxious, but let me write it one more time in bold text:
People who succeed in finding their needles on the apps take a business-like approach to the endeavor, not a romantic one.
My concern with this guy wouldn’t be that he’s toxic, but just that his emotional/intellectual maturity doesn’t line up with his age, and that’s something that should be taken into account.
The language he’s using here—about butterflies and warm fuzzies and soulmates—seems to suggest that he considers love this mystical mysterious thing that should fall out of the universe and land upon him. If he were in middle school, that would be fine. But I’m concerned about a middle-aged man who writes this as his bio.
I’m not saying he’s an auto-Block-to-Burn (for the record, he definitely would be a B2B for me), but I am suggesting that when you encounter men like this and want to proceed, you should do so with clear eyes.
I got married at 21 to someone who believed we were soulmates from the first few weeks of dating. We put butterflies on our wedding invitation.
15 years later I’m going through a terrible divorce. Dr. Ramani talks about the danger of believing that there is love at first sight, or that people are fated to be together. She says that it is pretty common for teens and young adults to have a naive belief in soulmates, but as people mature they tend to let go of that idea because it just doesn’t play out that way in reality. Manipulative people love that sort of language however. They target people who still dream of finding “my person” because it means you are easier to control. They want you to be on a roller coaster of emotion and hold on through the terrible treatment from them so you can feel that high again. Stay far away if someone wants you to buy in right away, commit really quickly, or pay more attention to the feelings of love than the compatibility on paper.
You know what is an amazing turn on? Someone who consistently shows up for you and is willing to get to know you slowly and talk about difficult topics. Being treated like a goddess might feel good, and you might have had a whirlwind romance once that makes you long for that again, but relationships that last a lifetime and are beneficial to both partners are based on mutual respect, friendship, and compatibility.
This man is a spark seeker, they come in hot and leave a chill on the way out. They like new relationship energy and are not the slow burn type (after the thrill is gone they will be gone). The use of the word "must" is always a turn off for me. Also the use of trendy words like EQ (show don't tell) is a B2B. I value IQ and EQ (they are connected). This entire profile would be a B2B for me.