I Almost Fell for "I'm a Very Busy Man," but Not in the Usual Way

This week has been one of the busiest (and most exciting) of my life. Four days ago, I began teaching an online course titled “Rhetoric in Real Life,” which has over 800 students in it—it’s a lot of fun and a bit overwhelming. Two days ago, my book, Burn the Haystack, hit Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other retailers for preorders—it’s beyond a dream come true, and it requires nearly constant attention to social media channels, email, and various communications with my wonderful team at HarperCollins. Yesterday, a major media story came out about Burned Haystack, and my parents arrived at my home for a summer visit. Also, I have a full-time job.

However, when an old friend who’d seen the book announcement on social media texted yesterday and suggested we catch up because he had one free hour between precisely 4:30 and 5:30 during which time he’d just be sitting in an airport anyway, I almost jumped at the opportunity.

My initial reaction was, Wow, that’s so nice, and he’s such a busy person I’m lucky he wants to squeeze me in.

And then I thought, Wait a minute.

A bit later yesterday afternoon, I got a text from a man I’d met on Bumble and been messaging with—another man who knew exactly what I was juggling this week—and it said, “Just wanted to let you know that I’m available Monday night because I had a dinner meeting cancel—let’s do dinner!”

The assumption, I guess, on both of these men’s parts, was that their schedules were more restrictive than mine, even though logically there’s no way either of them could have possibly believed that about this particular week. I don’t think they were being insensitive; they’re both good guys.

I just think they’ve internalized a belief that men’s lives and schedules are important and women should fold our lives into and around theirs, and that this somehow (mystifyingly) remains true regardless of what the woman might be up to herself. And I have apparently internalized that assumption too because it took me a minute to interrogate and explain to myself why I felt so irritated at each text. Neither of these guys inquired if their narrow windows of dictated availability were good for me. Neither of them even said anything humble, such as, “I realize you have a ton going on right now, but . . .”

After I thought about it a little longer (I declined both offers), I realized this is a lower-key manifestation of the Burned Haystack rhetorical pattern “I’m a very busy man,” which is ubiquitous on the dating apps.

It’s usually more overt and sounds something like, “I have a busy life and a demanding job, but I can make time for the right woman” or, “I work hard/play hard and don’t have time for drama or games.”

These claims, on top of being ridiculous and usually made up, are manipulative. Leading with “I’m a very busy man” language establishes a hierarchy with him at the top. It’s also presumptuous. In advance of meeting a woman, he is assuming that his time is more valuable, more limited, and more important than hers, and it frames him as a treat or reward that can be attained if the woman is worthy enough: the “right woman.” Here’s a link to an Instagram reel with examples from men’s dating app profiles.

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There has to be a similar belief, albeit probably tacit and subconscious, going on with these decidedly-liberal and evolved men, right? Otherwise why wouldn’t they have approached this differently? When I know that my girlfriends are in the midst of busy seasons in their lives, I send texts that sound something like this: “Hey there, just wanted to say hi. I know things are crazy right now, but if you ever have a free window and want to get together, just let me know—I can come to you.” And then I follow through and do that; and if they’re just too busy to gather for a bit, I understand that too.

I now find myself wondering, “How many other times has something similar to yesterday’s texts happened and just flown under my radar?”

All of this, of course, is internalized patriarchy, but I think I’m rattled that someone like me who spends basically her entire life trying to cut through the nonsense and right the wrongs and disrupt the toxic structures and destabilize the status quo—I’m still falling into it too. I’m infuriated, and I’m not entirely sure who I’m most angry with.

I think more than anything, I’m dismayed and discouraged at how little things have changed in some ways, at the glacial pace of social evolution and an increasingly terrifying American government bent on thwarting even that.

I don’t have a good ending to this piece. It’s a think-piece that lacks a thoughtful conclusion. Where are we on this, Substack readers? Are you all still fighting this too? Do you have any tricks for seeing through it immediately, or combatting it more head-on (for the record, I slinked out of both of my above-mentioned invitations by simply claiming to be unavailable, which was true, but still). I maybe should have called them out on it? I’m exhausted right now and I didn’t have the energy, but I want to know if other women are still encountering this and, if so, how you’re dealing . . . I hope you’ll drop a note in the comments, whether you have insights, solutions, or just want to vent (I ❤️ venting; I think it’s good for us 😊🔥).

Thank you for reading this. 🙏