This would bother me enough to discontinue. I realize people have different feelings about compliments, but to me this is sort of a boundary violation, and also he seems unable to read a room (the room being you in this case --- you're clearly not reinforcing this or expressing appreciation, and he just keeps doing it).
Yes. It’s reasonable to say ‘I don’t like…’ and expect someone to mostly stop doing it. If people respect you, they listen over small things. Not perfectly. But if they like you they try and accommodate your wishes just because they’re yours. I don’t know that it would bother me, but that’s not the point. If we ask for accommodations, we should get them (within reason)
Trust your instincts on this one I think. If it feels a little over the top it is.
I fallen for this twice. As I look back, one was very obvious, but the other was more subtle. I later discovered it was love bombing which after a couple of months subtlety morphed into negging. Both men were on the narcissistic spectrum.
Yes! Love bombing is pure manipulation. The fact it doesn't feel sincere affirms the manipulation. Having a "chat" about being manipulated will not to create sincerity. The last time I was loved bombed HARD after a coffee meet, I told him to slow down. So he "suddenly" left the country. He told me we were not looking for the same thing. Exactly!
I have dated more than a few men who do this. Congrats on not taking it personally! The gushiness in the men I dated wasn't a good thing. It wasn't a compliment. It wasn't innocent. Two of the men were simply blind to what they were doing and later I saw they were purposefully blind -- they just wanted someone to fill the job vacancy beside them then they could ignore the person now making their meals. Another man was more careful in his compliments and he was keeping score the whole time. When a relationship IS genuine, it FEELS genuine so congrats on paying attention to your instincts. ❤️
If someone gets a bit love bomby with me, it puts me on edge almost immediately, so I wholly understand your reservations. I've tried not responding to gushy compliments: like, actually ignoring that text and changing the subject. I think even the weakest of affirmation ( " oh, that's sweet!) will only encourage a gusher. If he's STILL not getting the message , I'd try being very direct . " You know, compliments make me very uncomfortable. I don't feel flattered by them. Could we just stick to chatting until our relationship has progressed some more? Thanks for understanding,.". I think slightly older men ( I'm 66) have been brought up to think" ladies love compliments! " and can be really tone deaf to nuances and subtle comments.
If he persists, I'd get rid. Because, mate, he's not listening to you. And that's not a good sign.
I had a man tell me once that he thought his wife was plain or some such icky thing to say, and then he’d tell her “You’re so beautiful.” and she’d look at him like she knew he was full of it. It was so cringe. He’d be in his 70’s now.
If this is the only "no" for you, consider telling him you're not comfortable with the flirtatious compliments and ask him to stop. His reaction to that could be the answer to, well, everything.
I think this falls (to me) under the category "I don't want to have to teach a grown-ass man to communicate well." Honestly, there are many many guys who will compliment you in a way that's not icky or sticky or pervy or too much/too little. It's about him reading the fricking room. Do *you* usually coo and fuss and bosom-heave at him? If not, then he's just not willing to open up his eyes/ears and reciprocate in kind.
I have had people like this, men and women, for different reasons, do something similar. I found it exhausting and it felt contrived. I’m a fully fledged adult human, and I don’t need you boosting my self esteem as if I’m a child.
The only caveat I have here is I *might* try to talk to him, if I really liked him otherwise, as it may be some lousy advice he has received in the past that women need to be constantly complimented. How he responded to that would be good information.
I also wouldn’t blame you if you stopped seeing him, as you sound turned off and fed up.
I need specific examples of what he texts to be able to address this fully, but as always, if it's not working for you, it's okay to let this one go. Also, can you discuss it with him?
A lesson I have had to (and continue to) learn is that it is far more important to believe and validate your inner voice telling you he's not being genuine than give him the benefit of the doubt. Err on the side of supporting your own judgment. You don't owe anyone certainty that you're right, not even yourself.
It sounds like he really likes you but is trying too hard instead of letting things unfold naturally. Also it seems like he’s doing this based upon some advice he received. At best he is clingy and insecure at worst he could be manipulative.
I agree that you should trust your instincts. It could be the testing of your boundaries by a love bomber. Love bombing (one definition: the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them) can be very destructive. The love bomber tests to see if they can pull you in and manipulate you.
This feels like fetishizing to me. Does he talk like this with men? Many of us have been socialized to self-gaslight and doubt our perception when it comes to romance, so we don’t risk being “too picky” or “illogical” given that “he’s just being nice.”
I work with victims of DV and not once a woman told me “in retrospect, I was overthinking.” Much to the contrary, we tend to give too much benefit of the doubt. I believe its an early sign not to ignore, a romantic object is still an object. B2b🔥
I was going to agree with a previous commenter to mention it to him and see what happens. Then, mid thought I changed my mind. If it makes you uncomfortable be on your way and be happy that you ended it now. He might stop the uncomfortable compliments but start something else. I have been with a love bomber/narcissist and at that time, without the benefit of my fellow Haystackers I let it go on too long. It felt so good to end it after 3 months. I dodged a continuous bullet.
If you've not actually told him it doesn't feel right for you I would. If he doesn't understand or get what you've said then it's B2B. So I guess my question is what have you done to signal it's not right for you?
Or is it that this approach would unfold as test apologise with new test on the way? So what's your judgment telling you here?
I give the writer the benefit of the doubt that she, like almost every woman here, has done *something* to dissuade him. Even if the thing she's done is not respond. He's complimenting AT her, and not paying any attention to how it lands. This is a skill that just about everybody can learn. If he wanted to, he would.
I don’t think that there is anything wrong with this man per se, but if he is doing something that you have asked him not to do and he just keeps on doing it, then definitely B2B. If on the other hand he is doing it and is unaware that it is giving you the ick, why not gently tell him so? That being said if you just don’t feel that this is a viable relationship, for whatever reason, I would break it off. Life is too short to spend with the wrong person, no matter what age you are.
This would bother me enough to discontinue. I realize people have different feelings about compliments, but to me this is sort of a boundary violation, and also he seems unable to read a room (the room being you in this case --- you're clearly not reinforcing this or expressing appreciation, and he just keeps doing it).
Yes. It’s reasonable to say ‘I don’t like…’ and expect someone to mostly stop doing it. If people respect you, they listen over small things. Not perfectly. But if they like you they try and accommodate your wishes just because they’re yours. I don’t know that it would bother me, but that’s not the point. If we ask for accommodations, we should get them (within reason)
Trust your instincts on this one I think. If it feels a little over the top it is.
I fallen for this twice. As I look back, one was very obvious, but the other was more subtle. I later discovered it was love bombing which after a couple of months subtlety morphed into negging. Both men were on the narcissistic spectrum.
Yes! Love bombing is pure manipulation. The fact it doesn't feel sincere affirms the manipulation. Having a "chat" about being manipulated will not to create sincerity. The last time I was loved bombed HARD after a coffee meet, I told him to slow down. So he "suddenly" left the country. He told me we were not looking for the same thing. Exactly!
I have dated more than a few men who do this. Congrats on not taking it personally! The gushiness in the men I dated wasn't a good thing. It wasn't a compliment. It wasn't innocent. Two of the men were simply blind to what they were doing and later I saw they were purposefully blind -- they just wanted someone to fill the job vacancy beside them then they could ignore the person now making their meals. Another man was more careful in his compliments and he was keeping score the whole time. When a relationship IS genuine, it FEELS genuine so congrats on paying attention to your instincts. ❤️
If someone gets a bit love bomby with me, it puts me on edge almost immediately, so I wholly understand your reservations. I've tried not responding to gushy compliments: like, actually ignoring that text and changing the subject. I think even the weakest of affirmation ( " oh, that's sweet!) will only encourage a gusher. If he's STILL not getting the message , I'd try being very direct . " You know, compliments make me very uncomfortable. I don't feel flattered by them. Could we just stick to chatting until our relationship has progressed some more? Thanks for understanding,.". I think slightly older men ( I'm 66) have been brought up to think" ladies love compliments! " and can be really tone deaf to nuances and subtle comments.
If he persists, I'd get rid. Because, mate, he's not listening to you. And that's not a good sign.
I had a man tell me once that he thought his wife was plain or some such icky thing to say, and then he’d tell her “You’re so beautiful.” and she’d look at him like she knew he was full of it. It was so cringe. He’d be in his 70’s now.
If this is the only "no" for you, consider telling him you're not comfortable with the flirtatious compliments and ask him to stop. His reaction to that could be the answer to, well, everything.
You wrote, "I don't think he's my needle." You have your answer right there. B2B. Sending hugs xx
Trust your instincts 💖
I think this falls (to me) under the category "I don't want to have to teach a grown-ass man to communicate well." Honestly, there are many many guys who will compliment you in a way that's not icky or sticky or pervy or too much/too little. It's about him reading the fricking room. Do *you* usually coo and fuss and bosom-heave at him? If not, then he's just not willing to open up his eyes/ears and reciprocate in kind.
I have had people like this, men and women, for different reasons, do something similar. I found it exhausting and it felt contrived. I’m a fully fledged adult human, and I don’t need you boosting my self esteem as if I’m a child.
The only caveat I have here is I *might* try to talk to him, if I really liked him otherwise, as it may be some lousy advice he has received in the past that women need to be constantly complimented. How he responded to that would be good information.
I also wouldn’t blame you if you stopped seeing him, as you sound turned off and fed up.
I need specific examples of what he texts to be able to address this fully, but as always, if it's not working for you, it's okay to let this one go. Also, can you discuss it with him?
A lesson I have had to (and continue to) learn is that it is far more important to believe and validate your inner voice telling you he's not being genuine than give him the benefit of the doubt. Err on the side of supporting your own judgment. You don't owe anyone certainty that you're right, not even yourself.
It sounds like he really likes you but is trying too hard instead of letting things unfold naturally. Also it seems like he’s doing this based upon some advice he received. At best he is clingy and insecure at worst he could be manipulative.
I agree that you should trust your instincts. It could be the testing of your boundaries by a love bomber. Love bombing (one definition: the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them) can be very destructive. The love bomber tests to see if they can pull you in and manipulate you.
This feels like fetishizing to me. Does he talk like this with men? Many of us have been socialized to self-gaslight and doubt our perception when it comes to romance, so we don’t risk being “too picky” or “illogical” given that “he’s just being nice.”
I work with victims of DV and not once a woman told me “in retrospect, I was overthinking.” Much to the contrary, we tend to give too much benefit of the doubt. I believe its an early sign not to ignore, a romantic object is still an object. B2b🔥
I was going to agree with a previous commenter to mention it to him and see what happens. Then, mid thought I changed my mind. If it makes you uncomfortable be on your way and be happy that you ended it now. He might stop the uncomfortable compliments but start something else. I have been with a love bomber/narcissist and at that time, without the benefit of my fellow Haystackers I let it go on too long. It felt so good to end it after 3 months. I dodged a continuous bullet.
If you've not actually told him it doesn't feel right for you I would. If he doesn't understand or get what you've said then it's B2B. So I guess my question is what have you done to signal it's not right for you?
Or is it that this approach would unfold as test apologise with new test on the way? So what's your judgment telling you here?
I give the writer the benefit of the doubt that she, like almost every woman here, has done *something* to dissuade him. Even if the thing she's done is not respond. He's complimenting AT her, and not paying any attention to how it lands. This is a skill that just about everybody can learn. If he wanted to, he would.
I don’t think that there is anything wrong with this man per se, but if he is doing something that you have asked him not to do and he just keeps on doing it, then definitely B2B. If on the other hand he is doing it and is unaware that it is giving you the ick, why not gently tell him so? That being said if you just don’t feel that this is a viable relationship, for whatever reason, I would break it off. Life is too short to spend with the wrong person, no matter what age you are.