Many years ago, psychologist Nathaniel Brandon wrote about romantic love, describing it as when a partner sees you, really sees you, like no one else. When my partner of 22+ years died and I started on the dating apps, I told a friend that one of the difficult things of pursuing the apps was that for so many years I was seen and made to feel special. My experience on dating apps was not being seen, except for my photo, and not feeling special because I could be so easily swiped away or ghosted. I then realized that it wasn’t my unique experience, but an experience shared by so many women, whether they are single, newly divorced or widowed. I have read comments by our group that made me aware of how many “special” women are out there and yet they have similar negative experiences on dating apps. I did not like those feelings so I quit everything. Does that mean I am giving up? No. I am choosing to remain open to the world and hope someone sees me.
I fully resonate with this. I wasn't blessed with so many years, but I have been blessed with having been seen and loved truly. I know how I want to feel in a relatiinship. And so I will be open to only that!
I heard about this, too! It's a movement called, "The 4 B's," or the 4 No's. The 4 No's are to: dating men, marrying men, sex with men and having children. I love it!
Thanks Jennie, love your wise counsel. I haven’t gone back on the apps since the breakup of my relationship a few years ago. It seems far too scary for so many reasons.
I’ve also slowly discovered the joy of living a peaceful life and mostly I can’t see how a man could add to the life I’ve created.
My cynicism and sometimes contempt towards men my age (50s)- which I often struggle to hold in - has highlighted how little trust i have in men, which in turn (good old projection!) has highlighted how I’ve not trusted myself.
Seeing and hearing the experiences of other members is so helpful for me, so as always, thank you for this method, this group, and your excellent teachings.
WOW.... Sounds like sex was the only benefit she received. If that's all she has experienced, I can understand that sentiment. But dang... I wonder what she would say men are generally useful for... Manual labor maybe?
She was being sarcastic of course. She's the gorgeous and vivacious young widow of an amazing, gorgeous and beloved husband. She has plenty of money, loves living alone in her fabulous NYC high rise, travels a lot, has a wonderful daughter, and wants a man who will add to her life. She gets asked out all the time and dates when it feels like it's worth her time. So far, it's been nothing but hay.
Aww... Sorry for her loss. 😕 Sounds like she was fortunate to find a great man once. Hope she finds another when she's ready. Also, thanks for thoughtful response. I honestly wasn't sure how my comment might be perceived in this community and if it might not land right or in some negative way. You know how text communication online can be! Cheers!
Your comment did come off as defensive. My first thought was, this is why the fb group not allowing men is so awesome. We all knew exactly what she meant, but now she had to justify her comment for you. Glad to see you walked it back some and hopefully you can see that snap defensiveness and why it wasn’t necessary.
I didn't want to assume her friend or anyone thinking that way in a very specific context like sex would automatically feel that way about other aspects of men. I don't think that would be fair to assume of a person. That's why I was curious about the comment and how broadly applicable that feeling towards men might be. I definitely didn't feel personally attacked. I understand a lot of women have very bad experiences with some men.
However, I'd say, "After that decision is made, we have the time, energy, and peace of mind to actively try to meet someone IRL, and the time, energy, and peace of mind to build a single-lady life that’s fulfilling and fascinating and happy and healthy."
I deleted "either" and replaced "or" with "and"
Building a fulfilling, fascinating, happy and heathy single-lady life IS how I actively try to meet someone. I have a lot of friends and am always meeting more. I do lots of fun things. Do I meet many men? No! Is that OK? Yes!
It's sort of the IRL version of BHDM. I'm doing what I want and like to do, and put myself in natural situations where I'm going to meet people (as opposed to speed dating, hanging out in sports bars, or I dunno, taking a class in motorcycle repair or something that I have no interest in)
As far as the apps, I still subscribe (mostly for the content - I laugh about the profiles with my GFs a lot) and never, ever will pay. I scroll a little at night and don't make a full-time job of it.
Check and check on the first two moves...and the third? Well, BHDM gives me hope that if one day I decide to use the apps, I'll be empowered to burn with abandon and find my needle! Thank you, Jenny!
Oh, and if you ever decide to digitize your college course on dating rhetoric, PLEASE let us know.
Great article! Typo alert (missing word): "And my platform is just one example — lots of women on their own and led other social media influencers are using various resistance tactics on the dating apps, and it’s working."
I opted for 1 and 2 and am so much happier about myself and my life. I’m off all apps and didn’t stay long. I have a beautiful single life and the attitude that if a relationship doesn’t enhance my life then I’m not giving it any energy.
I've certainly been abstaining from the apps. For four years. I'm down for all this, except, I don't have confidence that all women will the get the message. There are still too many women who define their worth in a man's eyes and by being chosen. Our culture certainly doesn't make that easy to counter, either.
I've been following BHDM on FB and Insta for several months now, and was already in a similar mindset (and frequently told my bar was 'too high'). Your analyses are always spot-on, and offer clear language to back up my initial 'ick' sensations. To find out that you come from amazing Greek women makes me a bigger fan! From another Greek-American Girl :)
I really hope that the change that men make is not just the one in their pants pocket.
We are at an all time high of npd ( narcissistic personality disorder) and that has become a huge problem in the dating world and within relationships. Men use the eagerness of women to temporarily fit the mold they’re looking for,
Only to abuse and discard them once they’ve deemed them useless supply.
Ladies, we have to work on ourselves and build the strongest sense of self we’ve ever know.
To know thyself is to be limitless
Men cannot mess with ya if we know better and to know better goes alongside having a strong sense of self. Let’s identify the red flags from the shh ire and not from inside the water.
Is this not already happening? A Pew study last year found that 63% of men in the US under age 30 are single, a number that has been rapidly increasing in recent years. It seems to me the situation is fairly clear: Women are doing well for themselves (earning the majority of college degrees, entering and dominating lucrative professions like medicine, etc.), and many are deciding: We don't need men. At least, not in the way we used to.
This play was written by a man for a male audience and wasn’t intended to be feminist, so I’m not convinced of the analogy - also since the men were away at war, they probably already weren’t getting much segs
I was just alerted to this fact - it’s a fictional play, the meaning of which was probably a joke, since women were treated as property at the time. A similar story today might be “Let’s imagine if dogs took over the world.”
Many years ago, psychologist Nathaniel Brandon wrote about romantic love, describing it as when a partner sees you, really sees you, like no one else. When my partner of 22+ years died and I started on the dating apps, I told a friend that one of the difficult things of pursuing the apps was that for so many years I was seen and made to feel special. My experience on dating apps was not being seen, except for my photo, and not feeling special because I could be so easily swiped away or ghosted. I then realized that it wasn’t my unique experience, but an experience shared by so many women, whether they are single, newly divorced or widowed. I have read comments by our group that made me aware of how many “special” women are out there and yet they have similar negative experiences on dating apps. I did not like those feelings so I quit everything. Does that mean I am giving up? No. I am choosing to remain open to the world and hope someone sees me.
I fully resonate with this. I wasn't blessed with so many years, but I have been blessed with having been seen and loved truly. I know how I want to feel in a relatiinship. And so I will be open to only that!
Apparently they're already doing this in South Korea. A huge move by women to stop dating men and it's having an effect!
I heard about this, too! It's a movement called, "The 4 B's," or the 4 No's. The 4 No's are to: dating men, marrying men, sex with men and having children. I love it!
Women hold all the cards, as long as we are willing to be happy on our own if we don't have a decent man in our lives.
Thanks Jennie, love your wise counsel. I haven’t gone back on the apps since the breakup of my relationship a few years ago. It seems far too scary for so many reasons.
I’ve also slowly discovered the joy of living a peaceful life and mostly I can’t see how a man could add to the life I’ve created.
My cynicism and sometimes contempt towards men my age (50s)- which I often struggle to hold in - has highlighted how little trust i have in men, which in turn (good old projection!) has highlighted how I’ve not trusted myself.
Seeing and hearing the experiences of other members is so helpful for me, so as always, thank you for this method, this group, and your excellent teachings.
A friend of mine said, "They don't realize how far sex toy technology has advanced. Men aren't as necessary as they think they are."
WOW.... Sounds like sex was the only benefit she received. If that's all she has experienced, I can understand that sentiment. But dang... I wonder what she would say men are generally useful for... Manual labor maybe?
She was being sarcastic of course. She's the gorgeous and vivacious young widow of an amazing, gorgeous and beloved husband. She has plenty of money, loves living alone in her fabulous NYC high rise, travels a lot, has a wonderful daughter, and wants a man who will add to her life. She gets asked out all the time and dates when it feels like it's worth her time. So far, it's been nothing but hay.
Aww... Sorry for her loss. 😕 Sounds like she was fortunate to find a great man once. Hope she finds another when she's ready. Also, thanks for thoughtful response. I honestly wasn't sure how my comment might be perceived in this community and if it might not land right or in some negative way. You know how text communication online can be! Cheers!
Your comment did come off as defensive. My first thought was, this is why the fb group not allowing men is so awesome. We all knew exactly what she meant, but now she had to justify her comment for you. Glad to see you walked it back some and hopefully you can see that snap defensiveness and why it wasn’t necessary.
I didn't want to assume her friend or anyone thinking that way in a very specific context like sex would automatically feel that way about other aspects of men. I don't think that would be fair to assume of a person. That's why I was curious about the comment and how broadly applicable that feeling towards men might be. I definitely didn't feel personally attacked. I understand a lot of women have very bad experiences with some men.
Here here! #TeamLys
However, I'd say, "After that decision is made, we have the time, energy, and peace of mind to actively try to meet someone IRL, and the time, energy, and peace of mind to build a single-lady life that’s fulfilling and fascinating and happy and healthy."
I deleted "either" and replaced "or" with "and"
Building a fulfilling, fascinating, happy and heathy single-lady life IS how I actively try to meet someone. I have a lot of friends and am always meeting more. I do lots of fun things. Do I meet many men? No! Is that OK? Yes!
It's sort of the IRL version of BHDM. I'm doing what I want and like to do, and put myself in natural situations where I'm going to meet people (as opposed to speed dating, hanging out in sports bars, or I dunno, taking a class in motorcycle repair or something that I have no interest in)
As far as the apps, I still subscribe (mostly for the content - I laugh about the profiles with my GFs a lot) and never, ever will pay. I scroll a little at night and don't make a full-time job of it.
And, as always, THANK YOU for all you do!
Check and check on the first two moves...and the third? Well, BHDM gives me hope that if one day I decide to use the apps, I'll be empowered to burn with abandon and find my needle! Thank you, Jenny!
Oh, and if you ever decide to digitize your college course on dating rhetoric, PLEASE let us know.
Agreed - if Jennie made her college course accessible to the public, she'd make a killing (I know $ is not her motivator but she would!).
Love the idea of doing this!! Would be so cool if we could pull it off globally!!
BRILLIANT!!
Great article! Typo alert (missing word): "And my platform is just one example — lots of women on their own and led other social media influencers are using various resistance tactics on the dating apps, and it’s working."
I opted for 1 and 2 and am so much happier about myself and my life. I’m off all apps and didn’t stay long. I have a beautiful single life and the attitude that if a relationship doesn’t enhance my life then I’m not giving it any energy.
I've certainly been abstaining from the apps. For four years. I'm down for all this, except, I don't have confidence that all women will the get the message. There are still too many women who define their worth in a man's eyes and by being chosen. Our culture certainly doesn't make that easy to counter, either.
I've been following BHDM on FB and Insta for several months now, and was already in a similar mindset (and frequently told my bar was 'too high'). Your analyses are always spot-on, and offer clear language to back up my initial 'ick' sensations. To find out that you come from amazing Greek women makes me a bigger fan! From another Greek-American Girl :)
I really hope that the change that men make is not just the one in their pants pocket.
We are at an all time high of npd ( narcissistic personality disorder) and that has become a huge problem in the dating world and within relationships. Men use the eagerness of women to temporarily fit the mold they’re looking for,
Only to abuse and discard them once they’ve deemed them useless supply.
Ladies, we have to work on ourselves and build the strongest sense of self we’ve ever know.
To know thyself is to be limitless
Men cannot mess with ya if we know better and to know better goes alongside having a strong sense of self. Let’s identify the red flags from the shh ire and not from inside the water.
Is this not already happening? A Pew study last year found that 63% of men in the US under age 30 are single, a number that has been rapidly increasing in recent years. It seems to me the situation is fairly clear: Women are doing well for themselves (earning the majority of college degrees, entering and dominating lucrative professions like medicine, etc.), and many are deciding: We don't need men. At least, not in the way we used to.
Younger men aren’t necessarily in a rush to get married either
In the Pew study these weren't unmarried men, but men who lacked any kind of romantic partner at all. The "alones".
This play was written by a man for a male audience and wasn’t intended to be feminist, so I’m not convinced of the analogy - also since the men were away at war, they probably already weren’t getting much segs
I was just alerted to this fact - it’s a fictional play, the meaning of which was probably a joke, since women were treated as property at the time. A similar story today might be “Let’s imagine if dogs took over the world.”