Keep “Needs” and “Expectations” Out of Your Dating Apps

It always backfires, especially for women

In current dating discourse (on social media, in popular books, from dating coaches, etc.), there is a lot of talk about transparency and about clearly stating needs and expectations. This messaging flies in the face of old-school dating tips about playing hard to get or being the “cool girl” or “acting like a lady and thinking like a man.”

Thankfully, we’ve mostly moved away from framing love as a game and from assuming that an exclusively-traditional-male conception of relationships is so baffling that it must be superior, it must be some crafty code deserving of being cracked and hacked and emulated by women. Right now, there are a lot of really smart voices calling bullshit on the misogyny and speaking directly to women about how to speak directly for ourselves. These counselors, coaches, and influencers are telling women that it’s not only okay to have feelings and needs and expectations, but that it’s empowering to state them clearly and explicitly.

Within the context of an established relationship, I agree with all of this. However, in my work with women on the dating apps, I’m seeing a particular application of these messages that I know for a fact is working against women.

Here’s an example of what this looks like. This is dating app profile text provided by a woman who was in the original Burned Haystack™ research cohort:

“I’m a successful, independent woman who is dating very intentionally; my time is valuable, and I expect clear date plans (NOT just coffee or drinks), punctuality, and respect. I need a partner who has excellent communication skills, who is always working toward self-improvement, and who has a secure attachment style.”

There’s nothing wrong here with what she *wants*; this is what a lot of people want. The language, though, is going to work against her, and I’ll explain why in a minute. First, let’s look at one more real-life example, this one of an early dating app messaging convo (in advance of the first date).

Him: Would you want to meet up for coffee or a drink?

Her: Sure! When and where?

Him: How about I drive to you for the first date? [they live an hour away from each other]

Her: Sounds great! Just let me know when you’ve got everything set up.

Him: Okay, but is there anywhere you like in your neighborhood?

Her: I am sure you’ll figure something out! One of my expectations is that men engage in the emotional and actual labor of date planning! 😊

Okay, let’s break this down. I get what she’s doing. In fact, Rule #9 of Burned Haystack Dating Method™ is “No men who can’t plan the date.” The point of that rule is to balance the labor in a way that women aren’t doing ALL the planning ALL of the time, which is a huge problem in hetero relationships. The woman in the messaging convo above, though, is misapplying that rule. Here’s why:

This guy doesn’t actually seem like he’s trying to shift all the labor to her. For one thing, he asked her out clearly and then offered to do all the driving so that the date would be super convenient for her. At that point, simply asking her which places she likes in her own neighborhood is a great way to co-create Date #1 rather than a display of male laziness. His final message (picking up where we left off above), was this: “You know, on second thought, I’m not sure this is going to be a good match. I do wish you all the best, and I’ve enjoyed chatting with you!”

I can’t blame him for this, and I think this serves as a great example of how the “clearly state your needs and expectations” advice tends to go south when it’s applied too early (AND when it needs to be applied constantly, regardless of the relationship timeline; more on that below).

I think there are 3 primary reasons this kind of thing always ends up a rhetorical “fail”:

1. If you’re on a dating app, either browsing matches or engaging in early messaging convos, then you don’t know each other yet. You’re strangers. If a man I’d just matched with on a dating app started immediately holding forth with me about his needs and expectations, I would probably laugh so hard it might take me a second or two extra to block him. Language similar to that in the examples above is off-putting because it’s inappropriate to demand things of strangers and because it suggests this whole relationship is going to be about “me, me, me.”
   

2. You’re simply handing someone the playbook. Anyone can be on time for a few dates and pretend to be engaged in self-improvement and engrossed in psychology books. In the case above, that’s a matter of just straight-up following instructions. But you don’t want to know if someone can follow instructions; you want to know that he doesn’t NEED the instructions, that he’s a mature and emotionally intelligent person in his own right. Giving over the playbook, in addition to facilitating a lot of wasted time, also renders the owner of the playbook highly vulnerable. If you’re dealing with a skilled manipulator, he could keep the whole façade going long enough to do real damage.
   

3. This third problem with stating needs and expectations applies at early stages of romantic pairings, but it also applies at *any* stage of the relationship: If you find yourself saying “I need you to” or “I expect you to” constantly, then you’re dealing with one of two situations: 1) you might have too many needs and expectations; or 2) it’s probably already over because they simply don’t care. They don’t care what you need or expect, or they would be doing those things or at least asking you about them so that you’re not constantly having to issue these mandates. Yes, there’s a learning curve in new relationships; that’s normal. But if the person you’re dating isn’t initiating approximately 50% of the questions in that negotiation, then I’m saying it’s already over. And that’s their right; people have a right to not care what you need and to not meet your expectations. And you have a right—and a responsibility to yourself—to recognize that and to remove yourself.

In the end, all of these actions are rhetorical: stating needs and expectations, not stating needs and expectations, gauging people’s investment and datability based upon both their expressive language (what they say) and receptive language (how they receive what you say).

One might not assume that a working knowledge of the academic field of applied rhetoric would be so useful on the dating apps, and to be clear, it shouldn’t be. Dating shouldn’t be this hard. But it IS this hard, and this confusing, and this gaslighting, and this depressing, and this maddening, and this demoralizing. I realize that sounds discouraging, but I’m a pragmatic realist above all else, and if I were sitting here at my keyboard trying to convince you that being on Tinder is “Fun!!” you might be afraid that I’m either insane or just a part of the problem itself, the “problem” being the whole dating app experience. I’m trying to help solve it, using rhetoric 😊. Thank you for reading 💙