I've been on a few dates with a fellow I met on Bumble (he answered my prompt question) who said, "I'd love to take you to dinner. How about you pick, I pay?" That worked for me. We each drove about the same amount of time to meet in the middle.
For the second date, he said, "How about this time I pick, I pay?"
That was an offer I couldn't refuse.
What was funny was, he picked a restaurant literally 4 doors down from where we met the first time (and didn't realize it)
Third date upcoming I picked a jazz club. I bough the tix, he'll get dinner.
A slight bending of BHDM rules.
So far, so good. He's a consistent communicator I've told him one the things I liked about my exBF was that he made plans (it was the alcoholism and lying that did that relationship in) and I know he's capable of planning because he is a caregiver for two men with developmental disabilities and always finds fun stuff for them to do.
This is all so wonderful 🥰. I wouldn't even say it's a bending of the rules; the rules are more "guidelines" than rules, and the whole point of them is to avoid the losers who do ZERO planning/paying, etc. This guys sounds great, and I'm so excited to hear how this develops! ❤️
I couldn’t agree more. In the first few interactions, we simply observe, respond and see what the man brings. This shows us the unfiltered version of the man.
If he’s not what we want, we B2B. If he seems emotionally intelligent, can plan the date, and there are no red flags, we continue to move forward (always observing and ready to exit if red flags appear).
If we give them our playbook, they could use it manipulate or gaslight us. Or string us along with the bare minimum (speaking from experience here - ugh!).
I love how you always remind us: you don’t know this man! He’s a stranger! We should act accordingly, and always act in the interest of our emotional and physical safety.
We women have been socialized to overshare and give the benefit of the doubt. No more! Cards to the vest, ladies!
I had to put some stuff on there. Since 50-60% are married, wrote "not interested in married, very recently divorced or still in love with an ex." This 3-fer is about 75% of Hinge. Went from about 40 likes per week to about 10, but much higher quality. Then I can do BHDM on those 10 instead of 40 people. Currently seeing a needle.
I also agree if they're driving a distance to see me that me picking the place or running a few places by them is just kind/good manners.
Thanks! One thing with this needle is he's such a good person that he does spend a lot of time with his kids/ their activities etc, and I'm often waiting a long time between dates to see him.... Otherwise all is well so far *fingers crossed*.
I hear ya . . . that can be tough. But it's a reality of dating past a certain age, and like you say, it's an indicator of his character, which in the long run is super important. The kids will grow up and move on, you'll get to know them over time if you two stay together, etc. I am crossing my fingers hard for you! 🤞❤️
Found the snag yesterday. His house is MESSY. It's clear he just kinda gave up. Furniture destroyed by dogs, peeling wallpaper. No attempt to really decorate. I have a very well thought-out place with antiques, some high end stuff, designer,
Trouble is BHDM doesn't rule out married etc. You just have to ask which is awkward right away or you end up wasting a lot of time to work that in since the profile may sound promising otherwise. At least we know they're reading what I say on there and self- selecting to avoid me.
My experience is that men don’t read profiles, or do and don’t care. I don’t date men with kids and have tried different ways to say this. I’ve used a prompt like, a non-negotiable for me it that you don’t have kids. I’ve said it in my profile blurb, I don’t have kids and am looking for the same. I’d say 80% of my likes are men who have kids. Sometimes they like me and it’s not clear in their profile but then in chatting they’ll say, so I do have kids. 🤷♀️
I've been nearly enraged recently at all the messages from men who obviously have not read my profile, or just don't care what it says. I hate figuring this out after wasting time messaging with them
Something I run into quite often is that the guy will be the one to first say, would you like to meet? And I think yay! usually I have to nudge but he did it himself! And I say, yes that would be great. Then he says, what would you like to do? And it’s like, you’re asking to meet but want me to plan it? I don’t think (all) men are doing this consciously, but I can see how easy it is for me (as a planner/type A personality) to end up just doing all the planning and decision making.
I went on a date with a guy I was into but he said from the start "I was married but we got divorced because I cheated" - what am I supposed to do with that???? Once a cheater always a cheater? But then if we move forward and he cheats should I be surprised?? He didn't want to go on a second date, so he saved me the trouble, but it was quite blindsiding....interested to know what people think.
I can understand how on a dating app too many needs and expectations are problematic. I hate that from men when they're wording it in such a way as you will be this or you will do that.
But you better dang believe I have major needs and major expectations and in actual dating they are going to be stated clearly.
So like the example you just gave on the group. I understand what you did but the fact that he didn't respond at the dinner, he would be gone already. I probably would have just said well if you're not going to respond to that then I'm done with this and would have left the date that's simple.
At 53 years old have expectations and needs and they are huge and there are many! And I'm not changing that for a second after putting up with all of the abuse and bs from men my entire life.
Have expectations have needs that's what I say. Voice and put them out there in the very beginning. That's the way I would work. Let the person know right away. I'm not playing games.
This woman - “I’m a successful, independent woman who is dating very intentionally; my time is valuable, and I expect clear date plans (NOT just coffee or drinks), punctuality, and respect. I need a partner who has excellent communication skills, who is always working toward self-improvement, and who has a secure attachment style.”
I <3 you Jennie!
I've been on a few dates with a fellow I met on Bumble (he answered my prompt question) who said, "I'd love to take you to dinner. How about you pick, I pay?" That worked for me. We each drove about the same amount of time to meet in the middle.
For the second date, he said, "How about this time I pick, I pay?"
That was an offer I couldn't refuse.
What was funny was, he picked a restaurant literally 4 doors down from where we met the first time (and didn't realize it)
Third date upcoming I picked a jazz club. I bough the tix, he'll get dinner.
A slight bending of BHDM rules.
So far, so good. He's a consistent communicator I've told him one the things I liked about my exBF was that he made plans (it was the alcoholism and lying that did that relationship in) and I know he's capable of planning because he is a caregiver for two men with developmental disabilities and always finds fun stuff for them to do.
Wish me luck!
This is all so wonderful 🥰. I wouldn't even say it's a bending of the rules; the rules are more "guidelines" than rules, and the whole point of them is to avoid the losers who do ZERO planning/paying, etc. This guys sounds great, and I'm so excited to hear how this develops! ❤️
Great article Jennie! ❤️
I couldn’t agree more. In the first few interactions, we simply observe, respond and see what the man brings. This shows us the unfiltered version of the man.
If he’s not what we want, we B2B. If he seems emotionally intelligent, can plan the date, and there are no red flags, we continue to move forward (always observing and ready to exit if red flags appear).
If we give them our playbook, they could use it manipulate or gaslight us. Or string us along with the bare minimum (speaking from experience here - ugh!).
I love how you always remind us: you don’t know this man! He’s a stranger! We should act accordingly, and always act in the interest of our emotional and physical safety.
We women have been socialized to overshare and give the benefit of the doubt. No more! Cards to the vest, ladies!
Clap clap clap 👏 😊
Yup! Sounds like you could help me teach Burned Haystack courses! 😃
You’re amazing, investing in helping women! Thank you for all you do. 💕
If you need help, let me know. I’m sure it’s not easy keeping up with so many followers and platforms, and I’d be happy to volunteer.
I had to put some stuff on there. Since 50-60% are married, wrote "not interested in married, very recently divorced or still in love with an ex." This 3-fer is about 75% of Hinge. Went from about 40 likes per week to about 10, but much higher quality. Then I can do BHDM on those 10 instead of 40 people. Currently seeing a needle.
I also agree if they're driving a distance to see me that me picking the place or running a few places by them is just kind/good manners.
Sooooooooo happy you found a needle, Kelly! 🥰
Thanks! One thing with this needle is he's such a good person that he does spend a lot of time with his kids/ their activities etc, and I'm often waiting a long time between dates to see him.... Otherwise all is well so far *fingers crossed*.
I hear ya . . . that can be tough. But it's a reality of dating past a certain age, and like you say, it's an indicator of his character, which in the long run is super important. The kids will grow up and move on, you'll get to know them over time if you two stay together, etc. I am crossing my fingers hard for you! 🤞❤️
Found the snag yesterday. His house is MESSY. It's clear he just kinda gave up. Furniture destroyed by dogs, peeling wallpaper. No attempt to really decorate. I have a very well thought-out place with antiques, some high end stuff, designer,
etc. Not sure what to do.
Ask him why he gave up.
I’m stealing your Hinge line!😂
Trouble is BHDM doesn't rule out married etc. You just have to ask which is awkward right away or you end up wasting a lot of time to work that in since the profile may sound promising otherwise. At least we know they're reading what I say on there and self- selecting to avoid me.
I love it when they self-select out. That's exactly what we want!
My experience is that men don’t read profiles, or do and don’t care. I don’t date men with kids and have tried different ways to say this. I’ve used a prompt like, a non-negotiable for me it that you don’t have kids. I’ve said it in my profile blurb, I don’t have kids and am looking for the same. I’d say 80% of my likes are men who have kids. Sometimes they like me and it’s not clear in their profile but then in chatting they’ll say, so I do have kids. 🤷♀️
I've been nearly enraged recently at all the messages from men who obviously have not read my profile, or just don't care what it says. I hate figuring this out after wasting time messaging with them
Something I run into quite often is that the guy will be the one to first say, would you like to meet? And I think yay! usually I have to nudge but he did it himself! And I say, yes that would be great. Then he says, what would you like to do? And it’s like, you’re asking to meet but want me to plan it? I don’t think (all) men are doing this consciously, but I can see how easy it is for me (as a planner/type A personality) to end up just doing all the planning and decision making.
GRACIAS
BURNED HAYSTAACK GRACIAS
FELICES MUCHOS
I went on a date with a guy I was into but he said from the start "I was married but we got divorced because I cheated" - what am I supposed to do with that???? Once a cheater always a cheater? But then if we move forward and he cheats should I be surprised?? He didn't want to go on a second date, so he saved me the trouble, but it was quite blindsiding....interested to know what people think.
I would not date cheaters past experience tells me they just cheat again
I can understand how on a dating app too many needs and expectations are problematic. I hate that from men when they're wording it in such a way as you will be this or you will do that.
But you better dang believe I have major needs and major expectations and in actual dating they are going to be stated clearly.
So like the example you just gave on the group. I understand what you did but the fact that he didn't respond at the dinner, he would be gone already. I probably would have just said well if you're not going to respond to that then I'm done with this and would have left the date that's simple.
At 53 years old have expectations and needs and they are huge and there are many! And I'm not changing that for a second after putting up with all of the abuse and bs from men my entire life.
Have expectations have needs that's what I say. Voice and put them out there in the very beginning. That's the way I would work. Let the person know right away. I'm not playing games.
But to be honest, she sounds like a bitch on wheels.
Who is the "she" in your comment?
This woman - “I’m a successful, independent woman who is dating very intentionally; my time is valuable, and I expect clear date plans (NOT just coffee or drinks), punctuality, and respect. I need a partner who has excellent communication skills, who is always working toward self-improvement, and who has a secure attachment style.”
But to be honest, she sounds like a bitch on wheels.
Just curious- Is it the kids you don't want or the lack of schedule availability? There is a huge range in availability in people with kids.