You know where I saw this EXACT LANGUAGE long before this? Rules for a kink event. The kink community has had consent policies in place like this for a long time. If it's not an ENTHUSIASTIC YES, it's a "no"!
It works in absolutely every situation I can think of too.
I don’t understand why sexual assault victims always need to prove we said no clearly enough. As if yes is the default . Since when and in what other situation is yes the default? Like if a thief takes my money I don’t have to prove I didn’t want to give them my money. We assume I did not and even if I hand it over to avoid being harmed more, it is still assumed I didn’t want to be robbed. But with SA, I have to prove I said no, clearly and in no uncertain terms. Why? Why doesn’t the perpetrator have to prove that I said yes? Make him explain how I said “I’m on my period”, “I don’t feel well”, “This is probably too soon”, “I’m not comfortable with this”, it’s getting late, and any of the hundred other things that are not yes.
Unfortunately, these last few years, there have been tangential "non consent consent" groups (read: drugs are used to unconsciousness) which I do not agree with. I like a good old fashioned dungeon with rules, seminars, and insurance.
Simplicity is so good for so many reasons. My 12yo recently cited the tea video in angsty dinner table talk about navigating a socially awkward situation. I can’t tell you what joy it brought this single mama. “But mum, remember that video, you know that one - if you don’t want tea, you don’t have to drink the tea.”
I'm an employment attorney by background and love the policy! I spend the bulk of my time coaching leaders who misbehave and delivering harassment prevention training (I was hired right after Charlie Rose was fired to deliver training for all the CBS News groups, The Late Show, and other CBS shows and have appeared on CBS Mornings to discuss workplace harassment) This is the correct way to highlight what is and is not acceptable dating practices in the workplace. Many trainers will say you get one time to ask someone out, but they don't go into the nuances noted in the policy. This is also a good policy about asking about anything personal about a colleague. "No" means no. I've seen the tea video dozens of times when my son was younger - it's the best!
Excellent and does not require "interpretation" of any kind.
As an aside, after reading about a shocking case in Finland, I have been seething with wanting a worldwide redefinition of what the default is re: "consent" in rape cases. It seems that the default used in courts is that she "wants" it, and the test is whether she was sufficiently capable of saying no (ignoring basic neurology of "freeze") or not. If deemed that she should have been able to say no and did not, the perpetrator goes free. (real story)
Instead, the test should be that the DEFAULT is no, with a very similar list to that in this post - and I would go so far as to say it requires an enthusiastic yes, nothing less!
However in my experience with workplace sexual harassment, men will try to get around this policy by saying “it’s not a date, I was just inviting her to happy hour,” or “it’s just a business meal,” etc. Harassers will find a way to offend, but I hope this company upholds the policy - even when it’s not called a date per se.
Example: I was attending a conference, and I presented some data analytics strategies in one session. Afterward, a CEO approached me and expressed interest in my “fabulous ideas.” He asked if we could discuss the concepts further, over dinner. I agreed, because it’s completely normal to network and share meals with conference attendees. Once we settled into the meal he started talking about how sad his marriage was, tried prying into my personal life, and told me he was in love with me (!!!???!!!) Barf. I was in shock and froze - this was SO inappropriate, my brain could hardly process it. I left.
After the meal he texted me (we’d exchanged numbers to coordinate the meeting), and I read him the riot act! Of course he denied everything over text. I blocked him. Such a creep.
Of course nothing protects women at conferences, as he didn't work for my company and was just a roving monster.
I share this to show just one example of how predators will leverage the cover of “normalcy” to sexually harass women.
So the workplace policies should include that if one invites a colleague or anyone else out for a meal, coffee, etc. under the guise of discussing business and then makes personal remarks like that, it's a sexual harassment violation.
And all of these dating policies (Ask only once, Anything other than Yes is No) apply to anyone they encounter in the course of their work. And the policy should have a list of people who should absolutely never be asked out. For example, retail employees should never ask out a customer.
I like the adjustments for the corporate world, but just a note on the retail comment - I run a small retail business in a small town. If “no dating customers” was a thing, I’d have to break up good relationships and require everyone date long distance. If the retail environment is a grocery store or hardware store, the whole community is the customer! I think instead the policy as it applies to employee/employee relationships also applies to employee/customer relationships. And yes, the “customer harassment” section is its own section… because while you can’t discipline a customer you can thwart them- so same rules but different enforcement strategies! It helps service staff to know they have the company’s permission and support to refuse to serve.
When customers post online admit wanting to ask out employees, I tell them to write a short note and hand it off or have it on the restaurant table when they leave. So the employee can text them if interested, but aren't put in an awkward position while trapped at work.
I worked as a server at the petty officers club on base after I was released from my own military service. I was required to wear a uniform: a low cut thin cotton short sleeved peasant blouse and a short skirt a la moulin rouge with layers of white ruffles at the hem. I lived in San Diego. The club was not air conditioned and I hustled hard carrying up to 8 pitchers of beer at a time.
While my hands were full men would grab my butt and boobs. When I complained to management (I guess hoping she would speak to them and request they behave appropriately in military facility) she said, and I am barely paraphrasing here, if you weren’t such a whore and wore STOCKINGS men wouldn’t think you wanted to be grabbed.
I am unable to understand the mentality that stockings would either A) cause men to sudden think "Whoa, stockings! She must not want to be grabbed by anyone," or B) be an indicator of one's consent to be grabbed. What in the ever-loving F?
Oh my god that's awful!! Not as extreme but I bristled when our new work polo shirts, for the women, had a forced "v" cut, instead of traditional button down. I wear the men's version.
Thank you for sharing the workplace policy and the video. Both simple and no room for interpretation.
It applies to parent-children relationships too. I recently realized that I have been forcing my ways or perspectives to my adult kids. Just like tea. Partly because of my Asian upbringing, I felt entitled to do so and have never questioned it because I thought that’s the only way…
Therefore effective communication and education are so important. The tea video clearly explains what I was doing before.
Thank you again for doing your work, Jenny. I appreciate it as always.
I LOVE the tea video. And this work place policy is perfectly worded so as to protect the employer and have grounds to come after the must clueless work place harassers (those who actually ASK multiple times).
However, I can't imagine this having much of an impact on the average problem-individual. "I was planning to sexually harass my co-worker, but since I read this clear policy statement, I will now behave differently," said no one ever. Men who harass are cunning. They preserve plausible deniability always. They never ask outright, because then you could say no! Instead, they tell you how unhappy they are in their marriage, provide details that you'd rather not know. They tell you jokes that are just slightly off-color, but not enough to get them into trouble. They brush elbows, accidentally. They stare at you a lot. They leave you little gifts. They make you uncomfortable, but if you report them, they can easily say, "What? How did you get THAT idea? I didn't mean it THAT way! Get your mind out of the gutter!" These men never ask outright, because then you could reject them.
No policy will fix or change someone who wants to harass a person. The policy helps those who do not wish to harass people. I find my policy helps the teens and early 20’s employees the most and it really does nip problematic behaviour in the bud and make them more comfortable with their acceptable behaviour (I had the dating one come up and the “omg am I in trouble?” Reaction and no, you aren’t, here’s what trouble looks like really helps. )
For the predators… some of them are way less smart than they think they are and can get caught with these policies (literally worked with someone who made up racist and homophobic songs he taught to his whole crew and ripped open a woman’s lab coat and there was no policy so no way to discipline/fire him - wow). The ones who are smart? This is why we need a diverse group of leaders. Because some people can’t have the wool pulled over their eyes, and you can always terminate an employment you just may need to provide severance if the evidence isn’t there.
Come back in a day or two and read all the comments. A few points are coming up from other comments that may inspire you to add a little to your new policy.
I love this policy! For the reasons everyone is enumerating, but also because in my experience prohibition creates fetishes.
By prohibiting something entirely, management implies that *the only possible outcome* of any behavior within the banished bounds is wildly inappropriate. Besides literally inviting anyone subject to the policy to imagine what wildly inappropriate behavior they are avoiding, I’ve also seen these black-and-white policies create a more charged environment where everything is innuendo, etc. to the point that an even stricter policy is enacted that severely restricts workplace function and communication (and still does almost nothing to protect employees from inappropriate behavior).
I love that this policy keeps the focus on what is appropriate (detailing healthy, normal, respectful, adult behavior and being clear about the outcomes of violating those boundaries!) and presume they also have a clear, safe route to follow if the boundary is violated.
I love the tea video! I used to teach public health and would always show it! I think it's brilliant strategy. Workplaces also includes conferences. Not only have I had my own awful experience, but many women I know have as well, during these events. Happy to share privately.
You know where I saw this EXACT LANGUAGE long before this? Rules for a kink event. The kink community has had consent policies in place like this for a long time. If it's not an ENTHUSIASTIC YES, it's a "no"!
It works in absolutely every situation I can think of too.
And the ENTHUSIASTIC part IS IMPORTANT. Absolutely.
I don’t understand why sexual assault victims always need to prove we said no clearly enough. As if yes is the default . Since when and in what other situation is yes the default? Like if a thief takes my money I don’t have to prove I didn’t want to give them my money. We assume I did not and even if I hand it over to avoid being harmed more, it is still assumed I didn’t want to be robbed. But with SA, I have to prove I said no, clearly and in no uncertain terms. Why? Why doesn’t the perpetrator have to prove that I said yes? Make him explain how I said “I’m on my period”, “I don’t feel well”, “This is probably too soon”, “I’m not comfortable with this”, it’s getting late, and any of the hundred other things that are not yes.
Because of patriachy and victim blaming. And the entitlement of men. Read the book "entitlement by kate Mann"
Unfortunately, these last few years, there have been tangential "non consent consent" groups (read: drugs are used to unconsciousness) which I do not agree with. I like a good old fashioned dungeon with rules, seminars, and insurance.
Correct! They have workshops where they teach consent. Through the consent academy.
Simplicity is so good for so many reasons. My 12yo recently cited the tea video in angsty dinner table talk about navigating a socially awkward situation. I can’t tell you what joy it brought this single mama. “But mum, remember that video, you know that one - if you don’t want tea, you don’t have to drink the tea.”
I'm an employment attorney by background and love the policy! I spend the bulk of my time coaching leaders who misbehave and delivering harassment prevention training (I was hired right after Charlie Rose was fired to deliver training for all the CBS News groups, The Late Show, and other CBS shows and have appeared on CBS Mornings to discuss workplace harassment) This is the correct way to highlight what is and is not acceptable dating practices in the workplace. Many trainers will say you get one time to ask someone out, but they don't go into the nuances noted in the policy. This is also a good policy about asking about anything personal about a colleague. "No" means no. I've seen the tea video dozens of times when my son was younger - it's the best!
Thank you for weighing in here, and THANK YOU for the work you do! ❤️
Excellent and does not require "interpretation" of any kind.
As an aside, after reading about a shocking case in Finland, I have been seething with wanting a worldwide redefinition of what the default is re: "consent" in rape cases. It seems that the default used in courts is that she "wants" it, and the test is whether she was sufficiently capable of saying no (ignoring basic neurology of "freeze") or not. If deemed that she should have been able to say no and did not, the perpetrator goes free. (real story)
Instead, the test should be that the DEFAULT is no, with a very similar list to that in this post - and I would go so far as to say it requires an enthusiastic yes, nothing less!
Workplace or life in general, great relationship guidelines .
Excellent point!
I like the policy: it’s clear and concise.
However in my experience with workplace sexual harassment, men will try to get around this policy by saying “it’s not a date, I was just inviting her to happy hour,” or “it’s just a business meal,” etc. Harassers will find a way to offend, but I hope this company upholds the policy - even when it’s not called a date per se.
Example: I was attending a conference, and I presented some data analytics strategies in one session. Afterward, a CEO approached me and expressed interest in my “fabulous ideas.” He asked if we could discuss the concepts further, over dinner. I agreed, because it’s completely normal to network and share meals with conference attendees. Once we settled into the meal he started talking about how sad his marriage was, tried prying into my personal life, and told me he was in love with me (!!!???!!!) Barf. I was in shock and froze - this was SO inappropriate, my brain could hardly process it. I left.
After the meal he texted me (we’d exchanged numbers to coordinate the meeting), and I read him the riot act! Of course he denied everything over text. I blocked him. Such a creep.
Of course nothing protects women at conferences, as he didn't work for my company and was just a roving monster.
I share this to show just one example of how predators will leverage the cover of “normalcy” to sexually harass women.
So the workplace policies should include that if one invites a colleague or anyone else out for a meal, coffee, etc. under the guise of discussing business and then makes personal remarks like that, it's a sexual harassment violation.
And all of these dating policies (Ask only once, Anything other than Yes is No) apply to anyone they encounter in the course of their work. And the policy should have a list of people who should absolutely never be asked out. For example, retail employees should never ask out a customer.
I like the adjustments for the corporate world, but just a note on the retail comment - I run a small retail business in a small town. If “no dating customers” was a thing, I’d have to break up good relationships and require everyone date long distance. If the retail environment is a grocery store or hardware store, the whole community is the customer! I think instead the policy as it applies to employee/employee relationships also applies to employee/customer relationships. And yes, the “customer harassment” section is its own section… because while you can’t discipline a customer you can thwart them- so same rules but different enforcement strategies! It helps service staff to know they have the company’s permission and support to refuse to serve.
Small towns definitely need adjustments.
When customers post online admit wanting to ask out employees, I tell them to write a short note and hand it off or have it on the restaurant table when they leave. So the employee can text them if interested, but aren't put in an awkward position while trapped at work.
I worked as a server at the petty officers club on base after I was released from my own military service. I was required to wear a uniform: a low cut thin cotton short sleeved peasant blouse and a short skirt a la moulin rouge with layers of white ruffles at the hem. I lived in San Diego. The club was not air conditioned and I hustled hard carrying up to 8 pitchers of beer at a time.
While my hands were full men would grab my butt and boobs. When I complained to management (I guess hoping she would speak to them and request they behave appropriately in military facility) she said, and I am barely paraphrasing here, if you weren’t such a whore and wore STOCKINGS men wouldn’t think you wanted to be grabbed.
“Workplace romance policy” “don’t be a whore” 🤪😭🤬
I am unable to understand the mentality that stockings would either A) cause men to sudden think "Whoa, stockings! She must not want to be grabbed by anyone," or B) be an indicator of one's consent to be grabbed. What in the ever-loving F?
I'm so sorry your management didn't have your back on that. That's awful.
Oh my god that's awful!! Not as extreme but I bristled when our new work polo shirts, for the women, had a forced "v" cut, instead of traditional button down. I wear the men's version.
Unless those stockings were pulled over your head bank robber style, I’m pretty sure they were not going to be the resolution to this issue. Jesus.
That sounds awful!! And im sorry you were subjected to it
I’m so sorry!
Don’t assume they want to drink tea based on what they are wearing.
That’s horrifying. I’m sorry you experienced that.
Love the tea video - I’ve shared it often in the past
Love a healthy workplace!
The tea video is spot on!!!
Thank you for sharing the workplace policy and the video. Both simple and no room for interpretation.
It applies to parent-children relationships too. I recently realized that I have been forcing my ways or perspectives to my adult kids. Just like tea. Partly because of my Asian upbringing, I felt entitled to do so and have never questioned it because I thought that’s the only way…
Therefore effective communication and education are so important. The tea video clearly explains what I was doing before.
Thank you again for doing your work, Jenny. I appreciate it as always.
I've never seen the tea video--thanks so much for sharing!!
I LOVE the tea video. And this work place policy is perfectly worded so as to protect the employer and have grounds to come after the must clueless work place harassers (those who actually ASK multiple times).
However, I can't imagine this having much of an impact on the average problem-individual. "I was planning to sexually harass my co-worker, but since I read this clear policy statement, I will now behave differently," said no one ever. Men who harass are cunning. They preserve plausible deniability always. They never ask outright, because then you could say no! Instead, they tell you how unhappy they are in their marriage, provide details that you'd rather not know. They tell you jokes that are just slightly off-color, but not enough to get them into trouble. They brush elbows, accidentally. They stare at you a lot. They leave you little gifts. They make you uncomfortable, but if you report them, they can easily say, "What? How did you get THAT idea? I didn't mean it THAT way! Get your mind out of the gutter!" These men never ask outright, because then you could reject them.
No policy will fix or change someone who wants to harass a person. The policy helps those who do not wish to harass people. I find my policy helps the teens and early 20’s employees the most and it really does nip problematic behaviour in the bud and make them more comfortable with their acceptable behaviour (I had the dating one come up and the “omg am I in trouble?” Reaction and no, you aren’t, here’s what trouble looks like really helps. )
For the predators… some of them are way less smart than they think they are and can get caught with these policies (literally worked with someone who made up racist and homophobic songs he taught to his whole crew and ripped open a woman’s lab coat and there was no policy so no way to discipline/fire him - wow). The ones who are smart? This is why we need a diverse group of leaders. Because some people can’t have the wool pulled over their eyes, and you can always terminate an employment you just may need to provide severance if the evidence isn’t there.
Brilliant. Employee handbook updated Sept 3, 2025. 😁
(Totally stole that almost word for word, complete with formatting)
Come back in a day or two and read all the comments. A few points are coming up from other comments that may inspire you to add a little to your new policy.
Love the video! These guidelines for workplace romance are great also. I always thought the no dating policies were odd since they are so unrealistic.
I love this policy! For the reasons everyone is enumerating, but also because in my experience prohibition creates fetishes.
By prohibiting something entirely, management implies that *the only possible outcome* of any behavior within the banished bounds is wildly inappropriate. Besides literally inviting anyone subject to the policy to imagine what wildly inappropriate behavior they are avoiding, I’ve also seen these black-and-white policies create a more charged environment where everything is innuendo, etc. to the point that an even stricter policy is enacted that severely restricts workplace function and communication (and still does almost nothing to protect employees from inappropriate behavior).
I love that this policy keeps the focus on what is appropriate (detailing healthy, normal, respectful, adult behavior and being clear about the outcomes of violating those boundaries!) and presume they also have a clear, safe route to follow if the boundary is violated.
I love the tea video! I used to teach public health and would always show it! I think it's brilliant strategy. Workplaces also includes conferences. Not only have I had my own awful experience, but many women I know have as well, during these events. Happy to share privately.