Thank you for this, Jennie! What’s hilarious about these men is they often say women WANT to date older men, it’s natural. Oh yeah, then why do you have to lie to override their filters? Pathetic.
Saying he's 37 if he's 40-41 is already bad, but m'dude is 50-51 targeting women more than 10 years his junior and taking about it like it's because he's SO SPIRITUAL. Gross. B2B
I can look at every toxic, manipulative, coercive, and verbally abusive relationship in my life through this lens. Somewhere, they fit the patterns; I just didn't know how to identify them.
I would say that we have all probably done that, over and over again, before learning. After years of therapy, I now see how I also ignored the signs that my body was telling me every time I encountered a toxic or dangerous man. I am now paying attention to my body, mind, and nervous system. BHDM is a big part of that.
Burnt Haystack lists and explains the toxic rhetorical patterns. https://www.instagram.com/word_case_scenario/ in Insta has descriptions. The book is a concise reference tool and more will be out April 9. You can pre-order.
It’s a jungle out there. I’ve used BHM and I also listen to my gut. I used to question my gut feeling, now I don’t. If I feel it in my gut that something is off, it is. I no longer waste time trying to figure out what’s “off”. It’s just “off” and I accept “off”. BHM and gut feeling have saved me a lot of time and nonsense, and maybe more.
I turned 7 in 1993, so I’m older than 37 now. If this guy was 18 then, he is what… 50 or 51? The audacity to then put the blame on women for “feeling” he is deceptive. That’s scary to me, because I fear nothing would ever be his fault and he’d always have a smooth way to divert blame. That’s not even touching the criminal record.
By saying this: “My intent has never been to mislead, but to allow interpersonal connections to develop before addressing a legal history that cannot be responsibly reduced to a label.” He’s admitting that he’s trying to manipulate any potential relationship by trying to get feelings ahead of disclosing the truth.
Also, a man that lies about a small thing, will definitely lie about a big thing. I had a man lie about his age by ONE year. Really? Def short term mindset behavior. And liars are the worst. They are literally trying to control your perception of reality rather than respect your choices and that’s bullshit.
I am from Barrington, IL. I was 7 in 1993, but I remember when this happened. Our school bus crossed those tracks daily and was rerouted for weeks. Did not realize he had been released!!! Thank you to all the women who share information with the intent of protecting others, and huge gratitude to you Jennie for Burned Haystack. It has protected my friends and I many times, from a wide range of discomfort and abuse.
This highlights so clearly how important your work is! I cannot wait to read the book. The rhetorical patterns make complete sense when I see them explained but I have much to learn in order to flag them on my own!
Hooooooly crow. Possibly the best example yet of the enormous array of benefits offered by simply applying the BHDM rules and precepts. There’s NO DOWNSIDE and the upsides are myriad. As with any skill, you develop fluency as you continue to use it. Thank you, Jennie, from the bottom of my heart!
Pro tip: You can use www dot removepaywall dot com to remove the paywall on almost any link. No signup of any kind needed. This article works on Option 2 :)
Other options are to ask an existing subscriber to provide you with a gift link, or maybe EVEN consider supporting writers and their platforms (e.g. newspapers). Your workaround is just stealing, dressed up as a URL.
It’s not theft; it’s a technical workaround for a 'soft' paywall. If they wanted to prevent it, they would use a 'hard' paywall, which I wouldn't be able to bypass.
Do we really need to be attacking each other in the current climate?
I didn’t attack, and even if I did chide you a bit, you undoubtedly know that 300+ journalists were let go from the Washington Post this month. This contraction is one consequence of the widespread belief that everything on the internet should be free.
BTW, It’s not an attack to speak up in response to people justifying actions that they know are wrong. (If Bloomingdales didn’t want me to steal that perfume, they should have put an hard anti-theft tag on it — that’s the equivalent of what you said.). And that is true no matter the day, especially in the “current climate.”. I’ll happily die on this hill.
I wonder if Paul thinks of his modified age as not lying but a technical workaround to get past women's soft age-wall filters in order to get access to younger women's content, saying "if Hinge actually wanted people to be honest about their age, they would require ID verification, which users wouldn’t be allowed to bypass."
Thank you for this, Jennie! What’s hilarious about these men is they often say women WANT to date older men, it’s natural. Oh yeah, then why do you have to lie to override their filters? Pathetic.
Saying he's 37 if he's 40-41 is already bad, but m'dude is 50-51 targeting women more than 10 years his junior and taking about it like it's because he's SO SPIRITUAL. Gross. B2B
He's 51 years of age. Google a recent photo, it is obvious.
Wow! That’s a huge jump. Sickening.
Worse is those guys that say the app won’t let me fix my age in the profile. It is like they want points for honesty.
I'll add that's "match to connect" is not only disciplinary and directive, it's CONDESCENDING as hell.
Yes, I know how this app works, you tool.
Came here to say this exact thing!
Shall we call this rhetorical pattern "Daddy knows best"?
BHDM is protecting women, and some people just don't like that fact.
I can look at every toxic, manipulative, coercive, and verbally abusive relationship in my life through this lens. Somewhere, they fit the patterns; I just didn't know how to identify them.
I would say that we have all probably done that, over and over again, before learning. After years of therapy, I now see how I also ignored the signs that my body was telling me every time I encountered a toxic or dangerous man. I am now paying attention to my body, mind, and nervous system. BHDM is a big part of that.
So glad you added this. Embodied warning signs are such a huge part of the whole picture, and I agree that it's so important for us to listen to them.
Burnt Haystack lists and explains the toxic rhetorical patterns. https://www.instagram.com/word_case_scenario/ in Insta has descriptions. The book is a concise reference tool and more will be out April 9. You can pre-order.
100%. I feel the same way.
It’s a jungle out there. I’ve used BHM and I also listen to my gut. I used to question my gut feeling, now I don’t. If I feel it in my gut that something is off, it is. I no longer waste time trying to figure out what’s “off”. It’s just “off” and I accept “off”. BHM and gut feeling have saved me a lot of time and nonsense, and maybe more.
I turned 7 in 1993, so I’m older than 37 now. If this guy was 18 then, he is what… 50 or 51? The audacity to then put the blame on women for “feeling” he is deceptive. That’s scary to me, because I fear nothing would ever be his fault and he’d always have a smooth way to divert blame. That’s not even touching the criminal record.
He's 51. So he is lying by 14 years. Sorry NOT SORRY. Could he be lying about his 3.95 GPA in Linkedin?
If someone lies on one issue, I would assume that he's lying on other issues as well.
By saying this: “My intent has never been to mislead, but to allow interpersonal connections to develop before addressing a legal history that cannot be responsibly reduced to a label.” He’s admitting that he’s trying to manipulate any potential relationship by trying to get feelings ahead of disclosing the truth.
Also, a man that lies about a small thing, will definitely lie about a big thing. I had a man lie about his age by ONE year. Really? Def short term mindset behavior. And liars are the worst. They are literally trying to control your perception of reality rather than respect your choices and that’s bullshit.
💯 People for whom objective reality is optional are truly dangerous.
I am from Barrington, IL. I was 7 in 1993, but I remember when this happened. Our school bus crossed those tracks daily and was rerouted for weeks. Did not realize he had been released!!! Thank you to all the women who share information with the intent of protecting others, and huge gratitude to you Jennie for Burned Haystack. It has protected my friends and I many times, from a wide range of discomfort and abuse.
This highlights so clearly how important your work is! I cannot wait to read the book. The rhetorical patterns make complete sense when I see them explained but I have much to learn in order to flag them on my own!
It gets easier! The more you encounter them, the brighter red they light up. 🚩
I’ve found too that I might not know the name of the pattern, but I can see the flag flapping!
I also find flagging them on my own difficult. I guess it takes practice, as Jennie said.
Men: it’s so demeaning and reductive of women to rule someone out based on height!
Also men: it’s so demeaning and reductive of women to rule someone out based on lies and having been convicted of murder!
But I do agree on the first part! (Not the second, of course.)
Hooooooly crow. Possibly the best example yet of the enormous array of benefits offered by simply applying the BHDM rules and precepts. There’s NO DOWNSIDE and the upsides are myriad. As with any skill, you develop fluency as you continue to use it. Thank you, Jennie, from the bottom of my heart!
Oh, thank you for these words. ❤️ Also I am stealing "Holy crow." ❤️
I hate the “good vibes by night” descriptor and he also lied about being an astrophysicist. We need a “nuclear block” for his type. ☢️🔥
Yes, I hate all of that too.
And they wonder why we choose the bear…
I recently read the inscription on a book my ex gave me. Rhetorical analysis confirmed he was narcissistic and a potential abuser.
Pro tip: You can use www dot removepaywall dot com to remove the paywall on almost any link. No signup of any kind needed. This article works on Option 2 :)
How did you ever end up in the Bad Place??? This is the best news ever.
Other options are to ask an existing subscriber to provide you with a gift link, or maybe EVEN consider supporting writers and their platforms (e.g. newspapers). Your workaround is just stealing, dressed up as a URL.
It’s not theft; it’s a technical workaround for a 'soft' paywall. If they wanted to prevent it, they would use a 'hard' paywall, which I wouldn't be able to bypass.
Do we really need to be attacking each other in the current climate?
I didn’t attack, and even if I did chide you a bit, you undoubtedly know that 300+ journalists were let go from the Washington Post this month. This contraction is one consequence of the widespread belief that everything on the internet should be free.
BTW, It’s not an attack to speak up in response to people justifying actions that they know are wrong. (If Bloomingdales didn’t want me to steal that perfume, they should have put an hard anti-theft tag on it — that’s the equivalent of what you said.). And that is true no matter the day, especially in the “current climate.”. I’ll happily die on this hill.
Then go ahead and die on it. Some of us are actually so poor our other option is to be uninformed. 🤷🏻♀️
what a sweet comment. You should be so proud. Happy shoplifting!
Well said, Diane. Reminds me of the Harry Truman quote: "I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell."
I wonder if Paul thinks of his modified age as not lying but a technical workaround to get past women's soft age-wall filters in order to get access to younger women's content, saying "if Hinge actually wanted people to be honest about their age, they would require ID verification, which users wouldn’t be allowed to bypass."
✊️✊️✊️
archive dot ph works a lot of times as well 💚💚💚
This site is considered risky and often contains malware. Using Wayback Machine (archive dot org) is considered a safer alternative.