Should She Go Out on This First Date?

Readers please weigh in . . .

Facebook group member question:

”It's been about a year since I've been on a date. After two months in the apps, I finally matched with someone and he set up a first date (with my input). Our conversation has been going along really well, and then today, the very last sentence in this message really rubbed me the wrong way. Is it a "soft" directive? He hasn't given any indication of being controlling or demanding. I'm not sure it warrants a B2B, but perhaps just paying attention to other behaviors and words during the date? Thoughts?”

Here’s the exchange:

So . . . . . hmm. This is a tough one.

“Let’s” is directive, and we normally B2B (block-to-burn) anything that falls into directive rhetorical pattern, regardless of content/context. In the cases where a “let’s” feels “grey area,” and this one does given that everything else has been positive, the heuristic we use to make the determination is “Who is this serving?”

For example, if a man says, “I’m not paying for this app, so let’s exchange numbers and see if this match has legs,” that’s clearly serving him, not her; she’s not only the only one paying, but she’s now compromising her own anonymity and safety for his convenience. That one is easy.

Now imagine a man says this: “You know what? It sounds like you’ve had a crazy week. Let’s pick a restaurant closer to you to meet — I don’t mind the drive.” That serves her more than him, so in that case the content/context truly does mitigate the “let’s.” (This is unusual; the vast majority of the time, “let’s” is directive and ends badly.)

In this case, it’s a bit difficult to tell. Is he legitimately trying to make her feel “comfy” but it’s coming off awkwardly?

I also have to point out that “comfy” is a different word than “comfortable.”

For a first date, “comfortable” seems like a better goal to me. The fact that it’s attached to “casual” also gives me pause.

My gut instinct on this isn’t great. It rubs me the wrong way too. I feel like he’s messaging one of two things:

1. What I really want is to Netflix-and-chill this thing.

2. I’m telling you that this is going to be casual, so don’t make it into a big thing (sort of holding her at arm’s length and warning her to manage her expectations).

I’m hesitant to recommend B2B, however, since everything else in his profile and about their exchange has been good.

I just ran this by a male friend whose judgement I trust (not in the group, obviously). All I told him was that these two people were planning to meet for a first date, and I read him the guy’s last sentence in the last message above. I did not share anything with him about the woman in this scenario having concerns. I just read him the sentence and said, “What do you think about that?”

He said, “I don’t like that. That rubs me the wrong way.”

I asked him why, and he said, “Who’s ‘comfy’ on a first date? That doesn’t even make any sense. He’s gotta mean something else by it.”

I then shared with him that she used the exact same words he did (it rubbed her the wrong way) and that I agreed, but that I was having a hard time completely defending whether this guy should be blocked-to-burn at this point. He said, “Tell her if she goes, to only meet him in a public place and to tell someone where she’s going” (good advice for all first dates, regardless).

I think I’d agree with this if she decides to go. The group member ends her question by asking if she should perhaps just pay attention to his words and behavior during dates. If she goes, I would say “yes,” and I would say “CLOSE attention.”

My gut still says there’s something not quite right here (not necessarily dangerous or anything, but I’m just not sure this guy is messaging “thoughtful, careful, long-term relationship-minded”).

Okay, readers, please weigh in!