Strike the Match: Is a devil costume really a deal breaker?

Always trust your instinct: T-Minus 5 Weeks!

Welcome back to my weekly Burn the Haystack book countdown! This week is about trusting yourself again (or maybe for the first time) and navigating dating, feeling more grounded and unapologetic about your standards.

The devil is in the details (and sometimes the profile picture) 👿

I need to tell you about the time I matched with a man dressed as the devil. I go into more detail in Chapter 2 of Burn the Haystack, but, dear Haystacker, I actually found myself reasoning with myself about why I should give this guy a chance.

Yes, he had blood dripping from his fangs down his chin, but his bio was genuinely appealing and funny!

As I was scrolling through his profile, I had this internal dialogue: “The pickings are pretty slim. This guy is articulate and seems gainfully employed. Is the fact that he likes to dress up like the devil really a deal-breaker?”

My gut said it was an absolute deal-breaker, but it still took using my academic training to fully break down the situation and talk myself out of engaging.

If you’re thinking WTF, Jennie?! Me too. Looking back, I wonder: How could I not have blocked this guy immediately?

Online dating is a weird world where nothing operates like real life. And women have been gaslit into acting against our own best interests so often that we’ve come to disregard our gut feelings and listen to the collective cry of “just give him the benefit of the doubt!” It embarrasses me to admit it now, three years later, but pre-Burned Haystack I was susceptible to all of this stuff: the second-guessing and internalized misogyny and self-gaslighting that all eventually blends together into a whiplash of anger and despair.

There are plenty of bad actors out there ready to capitalize on holding women in this fragile and disoriented state. The business of excusing bad male behavior is both easy (there’s so much of it) and lucrative (dating apps don’t benefit from people falling in love and canceling their accounts). That’s exactly why Burn the Haystack reminds you, once and for all, that your intuition is inherently trustworthy.

The method you need to trust your gut

Burn the Haystack is a research-backed method that gives you permission to be unapologetically picky and a simple system that backs up your instincts using applied rhetoric.

Applied rhetoric is taking your innate and experiential knowledge and using it to analyze someone’s words in everyday life. If you’re anything like my university students, you have far more rhetorical skills and intuition than you give yourself credit for.

It can be as in-your-face as how someone validates their weird choice in a profile picture and as subtle as something that seems completely normal at first glance but doesn’t quite sit well with you. Phrases like “NO DRAMA” or “Doesn’t take herself too seriously” are loaded with subtext.

The more you practice, the easier it gets. The chapters in this book will break it all down for you within the context of encountering ridiculous men on dating apps.

Thank god I did not give Devil Guy the benefit of the doubt. There’s more about him in the book.

Ready to strike the match?

The latest events and opportunities to support the Burn the Haystack book launch.

Pre-order your copy of Burn the Haystack. Take your pick from your favorite retailer. Want a signed copy? Submit an order through Boswell, a local Wisconsin bookstore.

Get on the virtual event guest list. Submit your pre-order receipt to save your spot for the live virtual event on Monday, April 6th.

It’s time to play Burn the Haystack Bingo! Let’s add some humor and clarity to your next dating app scroll session. Click here to download this fun free resource to help you trust your instincts again. Each square includes dating app red flags or cliches. Collect a full row of disappointments and BINGO! You’ve successfully filtered out the nonsense to protect your energy. Grab some friends, pull up your dating app, and start comparing notes.

With gratitude,

Jennie