I love the Bingo. If I am ever on the apps again, I will keep those in front of me! I am just dumping a “non needle” and thinking hmmmm, really I’d rather find a few fun local feminist friends than a man!
I think the only time I would ever make an exception to the Devil Costume thing is if it's clearly an homage/re-creation of Jon Lovitz's devil character from SNL in the 80s.
It wouldn’t worry me that it’s a thing he has done - Halloween here is always spooky costumes, not just any dress up, so anyone who’s been to a Halloween party would go as something sinister, that’s the whole point. But it might worry me that he chose that picture for his profile. Even if you accept that it’s cultural and doesn’t carry the same weight everywhere, it’s pretty ignorant when women are so concerned about predatory men in online dating.
Why is it a red flag to want to be friends first on the Bingo cards? Is this a rhetorical pattern I've not heard of? Because I'd rather be friends first too. And what's wrong with pineapple on pizza? Mint chocolate yes, but not pineapple on pizza!
Some of them are red flags and some are just dating app cliches! I just edited the piece to make that clearer -- thank you for calling to my attention the confusion! :)
Thank you! I really didn't understand why some of the squares were red flags, for example: "The key to my heart - food" (cliche, but true for me...); "Just a Jim looking for his Pam" (Not necessarily building a girlfriend, just alluding to "The Office" romance.); "I want to travel more this year" (cliche, but another thing that's true for me.); "Pineapple on Pizza" (Hey, I love that!). Are any of these red flags, or just common cliches?
Anecdotally, the friends first profile guy was the same guy pushing and negotiating to enter my apartment for water, he really really really wanted water, when I said no he offered to fix my laptop, I said no and I should’ve ended it there….but you know…..give him a chaaaaance poor guy! The next date he planned was…you guessed it….dinner at his place. It was like by writing that he wanted friends first, he was hoping women wouldn’t notice his actions screamed fwb. So in summary, when I see friends first I don’t believe it
You know, Jennie, the next step is finding some good programmers and crowd-sourcing funding for an accessible Haystack dating site/app that puts the daters first, not the profits. =D
I (and a million other women, probably) would pay good money for some auto filtering.
I did an audit. I discount 85% of profiles at first glance for not having basic, polite, individual words on. (46% had no words at all). Only 15 percent of profiles meet the bare bones minimum. That’s BEFORE red flags, rhetorical patterns etc. After those, and a few personal common dealbreakers (like fish pictures, shirtless pictures and gym selfies) I consider about 4% of profiles, before I even select for any sort of attraction. I’d pay good money to have that pre-sorting done by AI.
Great suggestion. I added a comment that I think this might happen naturally - not as an app, but as an answer to questions on AI chatbots. Hopefully, after the book is published, if several reviewers summarize the book in their reviews (I've seen this happen sometimes), it will be possible to ask AI chatbots to point out red flags specifically based on the Burned Haystack Method.
My son is dating a woman who uses a devil filter on most of her Instagram photos. I don’t think there’s any reasonable justification for someone who repeatedly chooses to portray themselves as the devil. When people show you who they are, believe them.
As for me, I burn it as soon as I see it, always have.
I jumped on the chance to score signed copies of Jennie’s book….until I read Boswell’s policy regarding use of my personal data here in the US. Apparently in Europe there is “the right to “block” or suppress further use of your information. When processing is restricted, we can still store your information, but may not use it further.” In the US it sounds more carte blanche so, rather than further expose my info, I will be opting to order through a retailer I already use. Bummer.
I recall a guy wearing a devil costume too, oh yes I relate so much, the previous version of myself , many years ago, that was going back and forth about it. His profile was so interesting, I kept going back to re-read it. Ultimately it wasn’t that I listened to my gut , more like I started imagining if he would just be embarrassing to be seen with……would he dress up like Motley Crue like it was 1984? Would he wear cowboy boots and leather pants -not my thing.
This reminds me of the time I gave a guy on a dating app a chance even though I wasn’t attracted to him, and he was REALLY into horror - every picture on his profile was some sort of gory costume or bloody art installation that gave me the creeps. But he was smiling in them, seemed “nice”. We set a phone date, exchanged numbers, and I rescheduled the date (busy work week), and this man got so angry. Then txt me from another number telling me to kill myself. Then from another number giving me the finger emojis. And then I looked at his profile with new eyes - I saw how creepy / pasted on his smile really was in every pic… and since then I DO NOT give the benefit of the doubt for shit. Our instincts know! I just wish I had a way to report this guy (beyond the dating app) or save other women from experiencing the same or worse with him.
Hi Jennie. Is there a way for me to find out if I’m confirmed on the virtual event list? Thanks. Saved the Bingo cards for when I decide to go on the apps.
the devil costume story reminded me of the time I went to a Halloween party where the men dressed as women and the women dressed as men. A woman was dressed and acted the part of a really sleazy guy. She did an amazing job at this and won the prize for best dressed. Soon after that I started dating her. Turns out she was a really sleazy person.
Another commenter (Ixidro) suggested a Haystack app, which is a great idea. I've been using ChatGPT to help me identify red flags, so I was thinking along the lines of feeding these rules to AI under the title "Burned Haystack Method", so that anyone using it could specifically request the AI (ChatGPT, Gemini, CoPilot, etc.) to identify red flags specifically according to the Burned Haystack Method. Maybe this will even happen naturally after the book is published and gets some reviews summarizing the method.
UGH! A older man in a devil costume (with his swinging female partner) used his plastic trident to partially tease/lift my lil bo peep skirt, in an (unsolicited) flirt inviting me to a 3-way (ugh!), at a Halloween party I attended in college. An IRL *bad* association w/ a man in devil costumes! Can confirm LOL!
Even after more than six months on the BHDM Facebook group, it's obvious that I still have a lot to learn. On several of these Bingo squares - I have no idea why they're considered red flags. I'm looking forward to reading your book so I can understand the method better!
I love the Bingo. If I am ever on the apps again, I will keep those in front of me! I am just dumping a “non needle” and thinking hmmmm, really I’d rather find a few fun local feminist friends than a man!
I mean, always, lol. ❤️🔥
Sounds good!
I think the only time I would ever make an exception to the Devil Costume thing is if it's clearly an homage/re-creation of Jon Lovitz's devil character from SNL in the 80s.
It wouldn’t worry me that it’s a thing he has done - Halloween here is always spooky costumes, not just any dress up, so anyone who’s been to a Halloween party would go as something sinister, that’s the whole point. But it might worry me that he chose that picture for his profile. Even if you accept that it’s cultural and doesn’t carry the same weight everywhere, it’s pretty ignorant when women are so concerned about predatory men in online dating.
Why is it a red flag to want to be friends first on the Bingo cards? Is this a rhetorical pattern I've not heard of? Because I'd rather be friends first too. And what's wrong with pineapple on pizza? Mint chocolate yes, but not pineapple on pizza!
Some of them are red flags and some are just dating app cliches! I just edited the piece to make that clearer -- thank you for calling to my attention the confusion! :)
Thanks for clarifying, I'm still learning! You're awesome btw!
I second that!
Aww, thank you 🥹
Thank you! I really didn't understand why some of the squares were red flags, for example: "The key to my heart - food" (cliche, but true for me...); "Just a Jim looking for his Pam" (Not necessarily building a girlfriend, just alluding to "The Office" romance.); "I want to travel more this year" (cliche, but another thing that's true for me.); "Pineapple on Pizza" (Hey, I love that!). Are any of these red flags, or just common cliches?
Thank God haha. I was like, dark humor, key to my heart is food, AM I A TOXIC MAN??? 😱😱😱
Anecdotally, the friends first profile guy was the same guy pushing and negotiating to enter my apartment for water, he really really really wanted water, when I said no he offered to fix my laptop, I said no and I should’ve ended it there….but you know…..give him a chaaaaance poor guy! The next date he planned was…you guessed it….dinner at his place. It was like by writing that he wanted friends first, he was hoping women wouldn’t notice his actions screamed fwb. So in summary, when I see friends first I don’t believe it
You know, Jennie, the next step is finding some good programmers and crowd-sourcing funding for an accessible Haystack dating site/app that puts the daters first, not the profits. =D
I (and a million other women, probably) would pay good money for some auto filtering.
I did an audit. I discount 85% of profiles at first glance for not having basic, polite, individual words on. (46% had no words at all). Only 15 percent of profiles meet the bare bones minimum. That’s BEFORE red flags, rhetorical patterns etc. After those, and a few personal common dealbreakers (like fish pictures, shirtless pictures and gym selfies) I consider about 4% of profiles, before I even select for any sort of attraction. I’d pay good money to have that pre-sorting done by AI.
And guys still think it’s all about height. 🙄🙄🙄
Great suggestion. I added a comment that I think this might happen naturally - not as an app, but as an answer to questions on AI chatbots. Hopefully, after the book is published, if several reviewers summarize the book in their reviews (I've seen this happen sometimes), it will be possible to ask AI chatbots to point out red flags specifically based on the Burned Haystack Method.
You have more trust in AI than I do. =)
My son is dating a woman who uses a devil filter on most of her Instagram photos. I don’t think there’s any reasonable justification for someone who repeatedly chooses to portray themselves as the devil. When people show you who they are, believe them.
As for me, I burn it as soon as I see it, always have.
I jumped on the chance to score signed copies of Jennie’s book….until I read Boswell’s policy regarding use of my personal data here in the US. Apparently in Europe there is “the right to “block” or suppress further use of your information. When processing is restricted, we can still store your information, but may not use it further.” In the US it sounds more carte blanche so, rather than further expose my info, I will be opting to order through a retailer I already use. Bummer.
I recall a guy wearing a devil costume too, oh yes I relate so much, the previous version of myself , many years ago, that was going back and forth about it. His profile was so interesting, I kept going back to re-read it. Ultimately it wasn’t that I listened to my gut , more like I started imagining if he would just be embarrassing to be seen with……would he dress up like Motley Crue like it was 1984? Would he wear cowboy boots and leather pants -not my thing.
This reminds me of the time I gave a guy on a dating app a chance even though I wasn’t attracted to him, and he was REALLY into horror - every picture on his profile was some sort of gory costume or bloody art installation that gave me the creeps. But he was smiling in them, seemed “nice”. We set a phone date, exchanged numbers, and I rescheduled the date (busy work week), and this man got so angry. Then txt me from another number telling me to kill myself. Then from another number giving me the finger emojis. And then I looked at his profile with new eyes - I saw how creepy / pasted on his smile really was in every pic… and since then I DO NOT give the benefit of the doubt for shit. Our instincts know! I just wish I had a way to report this guy (beyond the dating app) or save other women from experiencing the same or worse with him.
Hi Jennie. Is there a way for me to find out if I’m confirmed on the virtual event list? Thanks. Saved the Bingo cards for when I decide to go on the apps.
the devil costume story reminded me of the time I went to a Halloween party where the men dressed as women and the women dressed as men. A woman was dressed and acted the part of a really sleazy guy. She did an amazing job at this and won the prize for best dressed. Soon after that I started dating her. Turns out she was a really sleazy person.
There’s a pineapple on pizza rhetorical pattern?
Missing from the Bingo boards: "Playful".
Another commenter (Ixidro) suggested a Haystack app, which is a great idea. I've been using ChatGPT to help me identify red flags, so I was thinking along the lines of feeding these rules to AI under the title "Burned Haystack Method", so that anyone using it could specifically request the AI (ChatGPT, Gemini, CoPilot, etc.) to identify red flags specifically according to the Burned Haystack Method. Maybe this will even happen naturally after the book is published and gets some reviews summarizing the method.
UGH! A older man in a devil costume (with his swinging female partner) used his plastic trident to partially tease/lift my lil bo peep skirt, in an (unsolicited) flirt inviting me to a 3-way (ugh!), at a Halloween party I attended in college. An IRL *bad* association w/ a man in devil costumes! Can confirm LOL!
Even after more than six months on the BHDM Facebook group, it's obvious that I still have a lot to learn. On several of these Bingo squares - I have no idea why they're considered red flags. I'm looking forward to reading your book so I can understand the method better!
Some of the squares are red flags and some are just dating app cliches! 😊