Last semester, in my “Rhetoric of Dating and Intimacy” course, one of my students—a hard-left liberal feminist—offered tentatively, almost shamefully, that she’d been following a Christian dating influencer on Instagram.
"Men supposedly founded all of western civilization. They can cure diseases and engineer bridges and perform brain surgery and teach children and fly jets and organize militias. If they want to improve this situation, then they should work on it."
All. Of. This!
This poem really resonated for me. I sent it to my exBF to help explain how I felt about his drinking and why I would not build a life with him.
"Dear Men,
We miss you.
Deeply.
When women gather together in circles, we tell stories of how much we long for you. Crave you. Pray for you to rise and meet us here. We mourn your missing presence. In our childhoods. In the homes we’ve built without you. In our beds.
We hold hands and beg God to set you free from whatever keeps you from standing at our sides. Right here.
Here In intimacy.
In integrity.
In wholeness.
In freedom.
The places where you are caught in dishonesty, shame, fear, addiction, we grieve and rage over.
We see your pain and we see your power.
We miss you.
We love you.
We can’t wait for you to come Home.
For the men who have, thank you so much. Please call your brothers, start men’s circles, show them the manuals. Tell them of what you gave up. Of your brokenness and acceptance. Of what it truly means to take up the mantle of protector. Please. There aren’t enough fathers, resources and leaders for men to sit at the feet of.
The women have tried. We can’t do it. The restoration must come from within the Masculine. The Feminine cannot mother grown men into wholeness. We cannot strap men to our backs and walk.
We tried.
We bow out. Not gracefully. But in mournful acceptance nonetheless.
And we will wait for you to burst free from the shackles patriarchy has placed on you.
This! We want men in our lives, we really do! But we're not going to be made unsafe, minimized, victimized, belittled or any of the other isms out there. Just be yourselves, men! Only then will you uncover the good underneath the bad and ugly currently on the surface.
I am actually weeping after reading that poem as I lay next to my cat in the home I own and live and maintain all by myself . I thought of the father of my children - a 13 year relationship. I thought of my fiancé - a 7 year relationship. And then all the meaningless encounters after and in between. But mostly I thought of my single 19 & 20 year old daughters who are killing it and out performing at college and life. I will be repeating this prayer poem for them, hoping they don’t suffer the same, long, drawn out heart in a blender experience around love & relationships I’ve & countless others have endured. The ego is a savage beast if not mastered.
This article is so brilliant, I could scream! Thank you, Dr. Young, for so eloquently writing what I have had such difficulty expressing all of my life.
This line, "They didn’t understand that, in many cases, women were selecting their own salvation," really pins the tail on the proverbial donkey. For decades, I have been single and celibate for this reason - I'm presently 41. I've had to choose between the sh*tty, violent, self-centered and unhealthy version of s*x so many men offer, and my own wellbeing. It's been extremely healing and empowering to remain celibate and choose my own safety and self protection.
Professor Young, I appreciate how you put into precise, powerful language the uneasy feelings and sense of outrage that I can't always express when I think about the sexual/cultural minefield we find ourselves in. I might be old enough to be the grandmother of your college students, but when you talk about their frustration and sense of betrayal, I feel a bond of sisterhood with them.
I’m currently reading “Men who hate women” by Laura Bates and I see the roots of this path men have taken in her writing. Particularly re: incel online communities and the spread of the manosphere which parrots the incel ideology. It is frightening.
I am also being mansober, having just endured a 4 year relationship with a man that was rife with emotional and psychological abuse. I’m 53 and honestly can’t see the benefits of being in a relationship with a man at this time. The best relationship I ever had was with my ex-wife (still friends to this day). I may also go back to dating women only. Not an option for everyone, I feel lucky to be bisexual under these circumstances.
Thank you Dr. Young for discussing this as always. I’m glad to know young women are seeing it and opting out.
I love the term mansober! 🙌🏼 I’m planning to write about my experiences with men and hookup culture on my sobriety(ish) blog someday. I’ve also purchased “men who hate women” but I’m afraid to read it 😢
It's interesting to hear how young women are thinking. They are saving themselves a lot of heart ache and pain. The best and longest relationship I ever had was when we did not have sex for 11 months. I knew I really loved this man and I felt comfortable by then. At this point in my life, I feel sick at the thought of being used for a man's pleasure. I can't do it. I am completely over it. OVER IT.
Brilliant article! When I ditched my last feckless boyfriend, I felt that I was making a choice between him or nothing. After a cost/benefit analysis, I chose nothing.
May I recommend, "The woman who stayed silent" chapter in the book "Run towards the danger" by Sarah Polley? It's chilling.
Just seeing your comment now! That was an excellent book review. I found the Ghomeshi trial and its outcome very triggering. The women who testified were assaulted once more by the justice system. I hope you've watched the awesome "Women Talking" movie!
I picked the right time to get divorced, I think. I imagine 5 years ago I might have found myself knee deep in someone's gaslighting, lovebombing, and choking (I'm so sorry Gen Z - this is unacceptable). Thank you for continuing to cast a bright light on these issues.
I love this for Gen Z, that they aren't buying into the fairy tales that we did. I also wanted to add that in recent years I've noticed more women who I thought were straight have ended marriages to men and then wound up in relationships with women and non-binary folks. I always knew I was attracted to women as well as men and after a nearly 20 year marriage and a couple of short relationships with men I really embraced my sexuality and gave dating women a go. It has been incredibly eye opening. I now know what it was like for men to date me and how lop-sided those relationships were. I could never go back.
Bravo! I am Generation Jones and have navigated not dating since 1987! What a nightmare it has been and I am tired. I am so glad to read about Gen Z opting out since men have hijacked sex-positivity and perverted it to meet their needs only, always at a woman's expense. And let's not forget the orgasm gap!
I am thrilled that younger women are unravelling all of the horror that is dating and relationships, finding their way and deciding what meets their needs. Even as a feminist I lost my way for decades and am happy to be at a place of joy and peace, singleness is comforting to me and any man would have to make my life better.
Men have many resources at their fingertips and I have stopped giving them advise. If they are the brilliant leaders/builders this should be an easy discovery for them. I focus my time and attention on helping women navigate dating after very long marriages/relationships, sharing wisdom and celebrating our sisterhood.
You are spot-on, as always. You’re able to articulate what so many of us are feeling, and can’t always express.
I do hope there is progress among the other gender. So far, all I see is anger and resentment. But I’m hoping the attitude changes to one of personal growth.
If not, we’ll have to form women’s-only countries with heavy security (to prevent raids, like in the old days). We shall see.
Here's what I'm noodling these days (and have been since 2020). I believe we are in a time of great social-cultural evolution. Everyone and everything everywhere is deconstructing. And at the top of the pyramid scheme is the patriarchy followed by capitalism, religion, colonialism, and ism-ism-ism.
Every aspect about our world is changing, including our bodies, our brains, our consciousness. More neurodivergence (I have ADHD, my daughter has auADHD. More gender fluidity. (Sometimes the two—autism and non-binary—go together.) I wonder if part of what is to come is greater separation of the sexes. Less procreation for whatever reason—including government interference (limiting birth control, IVF,) all the reasons Jennie mentions, increased infertility, choice not to procreate....I haven't fully fleshed this last part out in my head and thus am unable to articulate it well.
I do believe that we are at the beginning stages of a matriarchy.
Of course, in this now moment, the patriarchy is raging as it is losing control. And, I think the way men are acting on the apps and elsewhere are evident of that. The struggle is real, and it may get worse. We will know in November which direction we are headed for the immediate future.
This article is brilliant. Thank you, Jennie. I have really started to be a lot more thoughtful about evaluating candidates and greatly appreciate you focusing my attention on ways to improve my life overall. Limiting interaction that were eerily like that New Yorker story. "Cat Person" perfectly describes interactions with guys in the 2020s. This line made me laugh so hard, "We should probably just kill ourselves."
I read this article out loud in the lunch room today and it really created great conversation. I just reread it after feeling weepy all afternoon. Sigh- I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten for our younger women. It’s disheartening after all the work and resources. It actually triggers in me the grief I felt when my dad died. Yes, I was sad he was gone, but mostly I grieved the relationship I would never ever have with my dad that I had longed for for 50 years- he just wasn’t available :( For the sake of all humanity, I really wish men would get their heads out of their asses. But I am not holding my breath.
"Men supposedly founded all of western civilization. They can cure diseases and engineer bridges and perform brain surgery and teach children and fly jets and organize militias. If they want to improve this situation, then they should work on it."
All. Of. This!
This poem really resonated for me. I sent it to my exBF to help explain how I felt about his drinking and why I would not build a life with him.
"Dear Men,
We miss you.
Deeply.
When women gather together in circles, we tell stories of how much we long for you. Crave you. Pray for you to rise and meet us here. We mourn your missing presence. In our childhoods. In the homes we’ve built without you. In our beds.
We hold hands and beg God to set you free from whatever keeps you from standing at our sides. Right here.
Here In intimacy.
In integrity.
In wholeness.
In freedom.
The places where you are caught in dishonesty, shame, fear, addiction, we grieve and rage over.
We see your pain and we see your power.
We miss you.
We love you.
We can’t wait for you to come Home.
For the men who have, thank you so much. Please call your brothers, start men’s circles, show them the manuals. Tell them of what you gave up. Of your brokenness and acceptance. Of what it truly means to take up the mantle of protector. Please. There aren’t enough fathers, resources and leaders for men to sit at the feet of.
The women have tried. We can’t do it. The restoration must come from within the Masculine. The Feminine cannot mother grown men into wholeness. We cannot strap men to our backs and walk.
We tried.
We bow out. Not gracefully. But in mournful acceptance nonetheless.
And we will wait for you to burst free from the shackles patriarchy has placed on you.
We pray.
We pray.
We pray.
For the Great Remembrance."
—Shade Ashani
This! We want men in our lives, we really do! But we're not going to be made unsafe, minimized, victimized, belittled or any of the other isms out there. Just be yourselves, men! Only then will you uncover the good underneath the bad and ugly currently on the surface.
I am actually weeping after reading that poem as I lay next to my cat in the home I own and live and maintain all by myself . I thought of the father of my children - a 13 year relationship. I thought of my fiancé - a 7 year relationship. And then all the meaningless encounters after and in between. But mostly I thought of my single 19 & 20 year old daughters who are killing it and out performing at college and life. I will be repeating this prayer poem for them, hoping they don’t suffer the same, long, drawn out heart in a blender experience around love & relationships I’ve & countless others have endured. The ego is a savage beast if not mastered.
Wow. THanks for sharing that!
This article is so brilliant, I could scream! Thank you, Dr. Young, for so eloquently writing what I have had such difficulty expressing all of my life.
This line, "They didn’t understand that, in many cases, women were selecting their own salvation," really pins the tail on the proverbial donkey. For decades, I have been single and celibate for this reason - I'm presently 41. I've had to choose between the sh*tty, violent, self-centered and unhealthy version of s*x so many men offer, and my own wellbeing. It's been extremely healing and empowering to remain celibate and choose my own safety and self protection.
How I appreciate this article!
Professor Young, I appreciate how you put into precise, powerful language the uneasy feelings and sense of outrage that I can't always express when I think about the sexual/cultural minefield we find ourselves in. I might be old enough to be the grandmother of your college students, but when you talk about their frustration and sense of betrayal, I feel a bond of sisterhood with them.
I’m currently reading “Men who hate women” by Laura Bates and I see the roots of this path men have taken in her writing. Particularly re: incel online communities and the spread of the manosphere which parrots the incel ideology. It is frightening.
I am also being mansober, having just endured a 4 year relationship with a man that was rife with emotional and psychological abuse. I’m 53 and honestly can’t see the benefits of being in a relationship with a man at this time. The best relationship I ever had was with my ex-wife (still friends to this day). I may also go back to dating women only. Not an option for everyone, I feel lucky to be bisexual under these circumstances.
Thank you Dr. Young for discussing this as always. I’m glad to know young women are seeing it and opting out.
I love the term mansober! 🙌🏼 I’m planning to write about my experiences with men and hookup culture on my sobriety(ish) blog someday. I’ve also purchased “men who hate women” but I’m afraid to read it 😢
It's interesting to hear how young women are thinking. They are saving themselves a lot of heart ache and pain. The best and longest relationship I ever had was when we did not have sex for 11 months. I knew I really loved this man and I felt comfortable by then. At this point in my life, I feel sick at the thought of being used for a man's pleasure. I can't do it. I am completely over it. OVER IT.
Brilliant article! When I ditched my last feckless boyfriend, I felt that I was making a choice between him or nothing. After a cost/benefit analysis, I chose nothing.
May I recommend, "The woman who stayed silent" chapter in the book "Run towards the danger" by Sarah Polley? It's chilling.
This review of her book dives more into that specific chapter: https://artsfuse.org/267472/book-review-run-towards-the-danger-grappling-with-memories-of-trauma/
(I highly recommend the audiobook, which Sarah reads herself)
Just seeing your comment now! That was an excellent book review. I found the Ghomeshi trial and its outcome very triggering. The women who testified were assaulted once more by the justice system. I hope you've watched the awesome "Women Talking" movie!
I picked the right time to get divorced, I think. I imagine 5 years ago I might have found myself knee deep in someone's gaslighting, lovebombing, and choking (I'm so sorry Gen Z - this is unacceptable). Thank you for continuing to cast a bright light on these issues.
I love this for Gen Z, that they aren't buying into the fairy tales that we did. I also wanted to add that in recent years I've noticed more women who I thought were straight have ended marriages to men and then wound up in relationships with women and non-binary folks. I always knew I was attracted to women as well as men and after a nearly 20 year marriage and a couple of short relationships with men I really embraced my sexuality and gave dating women a go. It has been incredibly eye opening. I now know what it was like for men to date me and how lop-sided those relationships were. I could never go back.
Bravo! I am Generation Jones and have navigated not dating since 1987! What a nightmare it has been and I am tired. I am so glad to read about Gen Z opting out since men have hijacked sex-positivity and perverted it to meet their needs only, always at a woman's expense. And let's not forget the orgasm gap!
I am thrilled that younger women are unravelling all of the horror that is dating and relationships, finding their way and deciding what meets their needs. Even as a feminist I lost my way for decades and am happy to be at a place of joy and peace, singleness is comforting to me and any man would have to make my life better.
Men have many resources at their fingertips and I have stopped giving them advise. If they are the brilliant leaders/builders this should be an easy discovery for them. I focus my time and attention on helping women navigate dating after very long marriages/relationships, sharing wisdom and celebrating our sisterhood.
Amazing article, thank you Jennie!
You are spot-on, as always. You’re able to articulate what so many of us are feeling, and can’t always express.
I do hope there is progress among the other gender. So far, all I see is anger and resentment. But I’m hoping the attitude changes to one of personal growth.
If not, we’ll have to form women’s-only countries with heavy security (to prevent raids, like in the old days). We shall see.
Wow, women’s only spaces are certainly something for which to hope! Women’s only country sounds like a utopian dream ♥️ but I’m in!!
I highly recommend watching the free movie No Men Beyond This Point (on YouTube)
though ironically produced by men (& as a guilty feminist who needed quite a few laughs for my health).
Here's what I'm noodling these days (and have been since 2020). I believe we are in a time of great social-cultural evolution. Everyone and everything everywhere is deconstructing. And at the top of the pyramid scheme is the patriarchy followed by capitalism, religion, colonialism, and ism-ism-ism.
Every aspect about our world is changing, including our bodies, our brains, our consciousness. More neurodivergence (I have ADHD, my daughter has auADHD. More gender fluidity. (Sometimes the two—autism and non-binary—go together.) I wonder if part of what is to come is greater separation of the sexes. Less procreation for whatever reason—including government interference (limiting birth control, IVF,) all the reasons Jennie mentions, increased infertility, choice not to procreate....I haven't fully fleshed this last part out in my head and thus am unable to articulate it well.
I do believe that we are at the beginning stages of a matriarchy.
Of course, in this now moment, the patriarchy is raging as it is losing control. And, I think the way men are acting on the apps and elsewhere are evident of that. The struggle is real, and it may get worse. We will know in November which direction we are headed for the immediate future.
The Burned Haystack movement would make a strong political party ... sign me up!
Plus "Burned Haystack" fits right in with Tea Parties and other rebellious acts :-)
#gotTheTea
This article is brilliant. Thank you, Jennie. I have really started to be a lot more thoughtful about evaluating candidates and greatly appreciate you focusing my attention on ways to improve my life overall. Limiting interaction that were eerily like that New Yorker story. "Cat Person" perfectly describes interactions with guys in the 2020s. This line made me laugh so hard, "We should probably just kill ourselves."
This essay PREACHES. Thank you Dr. Young. Your reflections make me feel less crazy and less alone.
This was a relief to read. Thank you!
I read this article out loud in the lunch room today and it really created great conversation. I just reread it after feeling weepy all afternoon. Sigh- I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten for our younger women. It’s disheartening after all the work and resources. It actually triggers in me the grief I felt when my dad died. Yes, I was sad he was gone, but mostly I grieved the relationship I would never ever have with my dad that I had longed for for 50 years- he just wasn’t available :( For the sake of all humanity, I really wish men would get their heads out of their asses. But I am not holding my breath.