They Matched on Hinge, but He Wanted Her IG Before They Could Meet in Person

Should she block-to-burn? 🔥

Before you buy a house, you have it inspected. Before you buy a car, you take it for a test drive. Before you buy a horse, you check its teeth.

Houses, cars, and horses are objects/livestock. Women are not objects or livestock.

Any man demanding social media links or video chats for the purpose of “verifying” a woman’s identity because he is “scared” of getting catfished is, number one, objectifying; number two, manipulative because it’s not a real “fear”; number three, stupid; and number four, lazy. More on those four points in a second.

Here is the question from a Burned Haystack community member that inspired this article:

Hello! I’m looking for some feedback on whether or not I'm judging some men too harshly... On Hinge, my pictures are recent, clear, full body, no filter, no makeup and are a honest representation of how I look...

But sometimes I get men that almost immediately ask for my IG or want to facetime with me before we've had a conversation. I've been considering this a red flag mainly because it indicates to me that they are shallow and not interested in a meaningful connection.

I want to be valued for more than my looks, to know my future husband won’t lose interest in me once I'm pregnant, and to age gracefully with a husband that will still see me as beautiful.

I've heard from men that they get "catfished" often or never know if they're talking to a bot and want to eliminate the possibility of that sooner than later... Is that valid? Am I being harsh on men for wanting to verify I look the way I look??

First, I DO believe it’s a red flag, I DO think it’s a sign they are shallow, and I DO NOT think she’s being harsh.

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I ended up addressing this question on Instagram, and the response to it was . . . . . . . . strange. A lot of people missed the point, seeming to believe that I was critiquing the use of video chatting or social media or photographic evidence, rather than what I was actually critiquing, which is this:

Equating the fears women have about online dating (rape and murder) to the fears men have about online dating (meeting someone who’s less hot than he thought) is ridiculous.

Let’s return to my points one, two, three, and four above, about why requiring verification is unacceptable if we’re talking about men needing to verify women (yet totally acceptable if we’re talking about women needing to verify men, as that need is crazily-well-supported by data):

1. It’s objectifying to request additional pics/video “proof” of a woman before meeting her in person. If you’re on a dating app, you’ve tacitly agreed to conduct yourself, at least initially, within the structures of the app. If both of you decide that a video meeting is a good step to take before meeting in person, then by all means have at it. If that brings both parties comfort and confidence in advance of meeting in person, then it seems like the next logical move. This is much different than a man “requiring proof” before proceeding because he is “scared.” That should be a block-to-burn.

2. It’s manipulative. He’s not really afraid of anything, not in a way that actually qualifies as “fear.” You can’t compare a woman’s fear for her actual safety to a man’s fear of wasting time meeting someone who’s not exactly who he thought she was or who’s ten pounds heavier than she appeared on Hinge.

3. It’s stupid. If he actually believes that the risks of being a man on a dating app are even in the same universe as being a woman on a dating app, then he’s a stupid man who is undatable simply because of his stupidity. It’s also kind of stupid to not be able to figure out whether you’re talking to a human or a bot, at least beyond the first few words. It’s just not that hard to determine.

4. It’s lazy. This seems to be the argument for men requiring verification: “I’m REALLY into this woman. I like her so much I think I might want her to be my partner for life. But also I think she might be a bot. And furthermore I’m not willing to go to a coffee shop to figure it out.” None of that makes any sense. You’re either really into her as a human being OR you think she might be a robot; not both. And a man who’s unwilling to execute ONE coffee date to meet a woman in person is not going to be a viable long-term partner anyway.

So there’s the pragmatic, rhetorical reason for blocking-to-burn men who need to “verify” your identity to “protect” themselves [from dating an un-hot woman] or who are “scared” [that you are not hot enough]. And also let’s stop pretending it’s about anything other than looks.

As with all things Burned Haystack, the reasons to B2B here are pragmatic and rhetorical, not emotional. In the very early days of connection, we are reading men’s words and actions for rhetorical clues that reveal who they really are as people, and the rhetorical reveals of men who feel comfortable and justified in making such demands do not bode well.

The bottom-line reasons to B2B a man who demands social media or video “verification” has nothing to do with the merits of Facetime or Instagram or whether or not there are any legitimate threats to men from women.

The reason to B2B these guys is that you don’t want to get yourself a boyfriend who is objectifying, manipulative, stupid, and lazy.

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