Internalized misogyny has many folks spun up into believing the fallacy that in order to be "fair," situations must be perfectly reversible; which just *doesn't work* when the... *checks notes...WHOLE WORLD... isn't equitable to begin with. I see many folks say variations of "well, I like to have a video chat first, it works for me, so that means that we have to let men ask for/demand it as well." NO. just... full stop NO, that's not what it means. A man demanding a video chat to verify that a woman looks like her pictures, or demanding a selfie on the spot (which can be used to track her if location sharing isn't turned off!), or any of the things these entitled objectifying dooodes demand to assuage their "fear" over being catfished it NOT the same as women and NB folks using a video chat to verify that the man doesn't give us the creeps. It isn't the same, because women and NB folks do not inhabit the same world as men do. As Jennie pointed out in her original reel and other related videos, we experience more violence over our lifetimes, we do not earn as much on average as men do, we (nearly?) all have a history of at least creepy harassment in our lives, if not outright violent past experience(s), and men, statistically, have far lower risk. Yes, I KNOW men are sexually assaulted, by men and women, I KNOW. It's still not the same. When the worlds are not the same, expecting exactly the same treatment isn't actually fair, it's putting more burden on the people already disadvantaged by an unfair larger system that we are all embedded in, whether we know it or not, acknowledge it or not.
Men are not due private access to our lives just because we matched, this is just the beginning of his demands. Testing a no with any man is also productive. I have a very small selective set of friends on SM (double digits that starts with a 6 :)
To me, this really is the crux of the issue: Strangers of any type do not owe anyone additional access to their lives. And yes, the first "no" tells you (sometimes) ALL you need to know!
I don't facetime anyone. Literally no one. Not family, not friends. If you want a Zoom call, get on my calendar. LOL I've facetimed one guy I met online AFTER we had already talked since we lived several states away from each other. Still didn't work out. I stand by my normal refusal! 😆
I’ve also found that men who are most likely to complain about the “bots and scammers” are also the middle aged men trying to date 20-year-old women. They believe the apps are full of women only trying to steal their money, because no actual 20-year-old women are matching with 52-year-old men.
Totally agree! Easy enough to do a bit of messaging, chatting, video calling if you’re keen. The bots and scammers evaporate fast enough. IG and other social media are for friends. Not randoms 🤷♀️
I'm of the opinion that 90% of men on dating apps are only looking for "arm candy" to impress their friends, not a real relationship. That's why they're saying things like "Age (THEIR age, not yours) is just a number!" whilst insisting on dating women 20 years younger. 🙄
Men are apparently TERRIFIED, poor things, of being seen in public with a woman who is merely as it attractive as they are, and isn't supermodel beautiful -- which the most mediocre man is sure he deserves! -- hence the insistence on seeing you beforehand. It's objectifying, presumptuous, and gross, particularly since none of these men are equal to the standards that they set for us.
I read this and literally cringed. Here’s why. When I was actively on dating sites, I shared my photos. Full length, etc. At the time, I was significantly heavier (and younger) than I am now. This man who I matched with asked for my IG. I really don’t use it a lot even now so I told him that. Then he wanted to have my real number so we could converse outside of the platform. Being “thankful” for his attention, I sent him my number. And then hell began when he started berating me for my weight, telling me he could make me better, etc. It was humiliating and frankly scary. I blocked him. He knew enough from the pics I did share that I had certain places I liked to go and he showed up at my Caribou one morning months later to “check” on me. I was so freaked out and I left. More things happened and I ended up having to get a restraining order on a man who I hadn’t even really met in person. I was 43 years old. I had to prove that he was harassing me. The judge said that he didn’t “threaten” me; he just had an opinion. I ended up changing my phone number and moving away. And to this day, although I know it’s basically impossible because of what I have done in the years since to protect myself, I still look around to see if he’s there even though I don’t live in the same state or part of the country anymore. It changed me permanently. Thank you for writing this, Jennie. No woman should ever have to “prove” herself to any man in any way. We’ve been doing it for centuries and it’s time to stop.
Catfish happen, but as a guy I don’t risk much from them. I got a new one just this morning - I can already see the handoff from the catcher to the harvester. A vibe check over video chat is something I might request if meeting is difficult e.g. distance, but I’d rather meet. I don’t want social media involved until I get to know someone, and demanding that is indefensible.
Just another example of bottom-feeder men noisily prioritizing their whiny, superficial wants. Kinda reminds me of the imaginary "male loneliness epidemic." B2B and thank you Dr. J for helping us trust our hunches.
I will instantly ghost or block any man who asks me for off app pics quickly, and my insta and Facebook are more for friends and family, including my teenage daughter, so NO stranger is getting that either. If they aren't smart enough to spot a scammer or bot (and I CAN with my extremely limited dating experience), I really don't think we would work out anyway.. And i have never done video chat with anyone except my daughter, I don't want to, and no rando is going to make me do that.
It is sad to have to think this way at all, but it is the way of things now 😢 I don't have a lot of pics of my daughter on my socials, but I do not want a stranger having access to her pictures either.
Clearly whoever made that statement in the IG thread is ignorant to the immense amount of danger there is with WOMEN online dating. Jennie stated the statistics! Hello!
I'm so glad you didn't internalize the "I always demand a FaceTime, you're wrong on this one, Jennie!" comments. 🙄 But thanks for the additional explanation, anyway. 👍
All good points! Important to add that if it is a catfish and somebody that's trying to scam, they like to request IG profiles and then steal your identity that way. It is very important to protect your pictures nowadays!
I take that request as a way to look at all her pictures to come to some conclusion about who she is, how attractive her life (and friends) are, and whether or not it's worth his time to get to know her, even though he would already feel he 'knows' her just from her social media pages. So, yes, it definitely falls into the lazy category!
Social media pages often are highly curated to the point of being fictional versions of people. If people aren’t realistic and honest on dating apps, it’s unlikely that they are going to be genuine on SM. Another reason to not give in to these ridiculous, invasive demands.
A video call is a better vibe check before committing to a date. I can also see the utility of seeing how a man reacts to a refusal to share Instagram handles. A reasonable man will not push it if you say you don’t share your number or social handles with strangers.
Internalized misogyny has many folks spun up into believing the fallacy that in order to be "fair," situations must be perfectly reversible; which just *doesn't work* when the... *checks notes...WHOLE WORLD... isn't equitable to begin with. I see many folks say variations of "well, I like to have a video chat first, it works for me, so that means that we have to let men ask for/demand it as well." NO. just... full stop NO, that's not what it means. A man demanding a video chat to verify that a woman looks like her pictures, or demanding a selfie on the spot (which can be used to track her if location sharing isn't turned off!), or any of the things these entitled objectifying dooodes demand to assuage their "fear" over being catfished it NOT the same as women and NB folks using a video chat to verify that the man doesn't give us the creeps. It isn't the same, because women and NB folks do not inhabit the same world as men do. As Jennie pointed out in her original reel and other related videos, we experience more violence over our lifetimes, we do not earn as much on average as men do, we (nearly?) all have a history of at least creepy harassment in our lives, if not outright violent past experience(s), and men, statistically, have far lower risk. Yes, I KNOW men are sexually assaulted, by men and women, I KNOW. It's still not the same. When the worlds are not the same, expecting exactly the same treatment isn't actually fair, it's putting more burden on the people already disadvantaged by an unfair larger system that we are all embedded in, whether we know it or not, acknowledge it or not.
Men are not due private access to our lives just because we matched, this is just the beginning of his demands. Testing a no with any man is also productive. I have a very small selective set of friends on SM (double digits that starts with a 6 :)
To me, this really is the crux of the issue: Strangers of any type do not owe anyone additional access to their lives. And yes, the first "no" tells you (sometimes) ALL you need to know!
I don't facetime anyone. Literally no one. Not family, not friends. If you want a Zoom call, get on my calendar. LOL I've facetimed one guy I met online AFTER we had already talked since we lived several states away from each other. Still didn't work out. I stand by my normal refusal! 😆
Yes, yes, yes.
Perfect explanation!
I’ve also found that men who are most likely to complain about the “bots and scammers” are also the middle aged men trying to date 20-year-old women. They believe the apps are full of women only trying to steal their money, because no actual 20-year-old women are matching with 52-year-old men.
The call is coming from inside the house.
***Laughing hysterically!*** Well played!
Totally agree! Easy enough to do a bit of messaging, chatting, video calling if you’re keen. The bots and scammers evaporate fast enough. IG and other social media are for friends. Not randoms 🤷♀️
I'm of the opinion that 90% of men on dating apps are only looking for "arm candy" to impress their friends, not a real relationship. That's why they're saying things like "Age (THEIR age, not yours) is just a number!" whilst insisting on dating women 20 years younger. 🙄
Men are apparently TERRIFIED, poor things, of being seen in public with a woman who is merely as it attractive as they are, and isn't supermodel beautiful -- which the most mediocre man is sure he deserves! -- hence the insistence on seeing you beforehand. It's objectifying, presumptuous, and gross, particularly since none of these men are equal to the standards that they set for us.
I read this and literally cringed. Here’s why. When I was actively on dating sites, I shared my photos. Full length, etc. At the time, I was significantly heavier (and younger) than I am now. This man who I matched with asked for my IG. I really don’t use it a lot even now so I told him that. Then he wanted to have my real number so we could converse outside of the platform. Being “thankful” for his attention, I sent him my number. And then hell began when he started berating me for my weight, telling me he could make me better, etc. It was humiliating and frankly scary. I blocked him. He knew enough from the pics I did share that I had certain places I liked to go and he showed up at my Caribou one morning months later to “check” on me. I was so freaked out and I left. More things happened and I ended up having to get a restraining order on a man who I hadn’t even really met in person. I was 43 years old. I had to prove that he was harassing me. The judge said that he didn’t “threaten” me; he just had an opinion. I ended up changing my phone number and moving away. And to this day, although I know it’s basically impossible because of what I have done in the years since to protect myself, I still look around to see if he’s there even though I don’t live in the same state or part of the country anymore. It changed me permanently. Thank you for writing this, Jennie. No woman should ever have to “prove” herself to any man in any way. We’ve been doing it for centuries and it’s time to stop.
Wow! That’s horrible 😔. Beware the ones that want to get us off the app too soon 🚩
I'm so sorry you went through this. So angry at the judge. And so glad you're in a new place (geographically) now.
Catfish happen, but as a guy I don’t risk much from them. I got a new one just this morning - I can already see the handoff from the catcher to the harvester. A vibe check over video chat is something I might request if meeting is difficult e.g. distance, but I’d rather meet. I don’t want social media involved until I get to know someone, and demanding that is indefensible.
Just another example of bottom-feeder men noisily prioritizing their whiny, superficial wants. Kinda reminds me of the imaginary "male loneliness epidemic." B2B and thank you Dr. J for helping us trust our hunches.
I will instantly ghost or block any man who asks me for off app pics quickly, and my insta and Facebook are more for friends and family, including my teenage daughter, so NO stranger is getting that either. If they aren't smart enough to spot a scammer or bot (and I CAN with my extremely limited dating experience), I really don't think we would work out anyway.. And i have never done video chat with anyone except my daughter, I don't want to, and no rando is going to make me do that.
I did not think of the teenage daughter angle. Ugh! Troubling. I will make sure to share this with friends.
It is sad to have to think this way at all, but it is the way of things now 😢 I don't have a lot of pics of my daughter on my socials, but I do not want a stranger having access to her pictures either.
I agree. Thank you!
Clearly whoever made that statement in the IG thread is ignorant to the immense amount of danger there is with WOMEN online dating. Jennie stated the statistics! Hello!
AND this person doesn’t follow Burned Hatstack.
Enough said.
I'm so glad you didn't internalize the "I always demand a FaceTime, you're wrong on this one, Jennie!" comments. 🙄 But thanks for the additional explanation, anyway. 👍
Demand? Doesn’t bode well for potential future negotiations 🤔
All good points! Important to add that if it is a catfish and somebody that's trying to scam, they like to request IG profiles and then steal your identity that way. It is very important to protect your pictures nowadays!
I take that request as a way to look at all her pictures to come to some conclusion about who she is, how attractive her life (and friends) are, and whether or not it's worth his time to get to know her, even though he would already feel he 'knows' her just from her social media pages. So, yes, it definitely falls into the lazy category!
Social media pages often are highly curated to the point of being fictional versions of people. If people aren’t realistic and honest on dating apps, it’s unlikely that they are going to be genuine on SM. Another reason to not give in to these ridiculous, invasive demands.
A video call is a better vibe check before committing to a date. I can also see the utility of seeing how a man reacts to a refusal to share Instagram handles. A reasonable man will not push it if you say you don’t share your number or social handles with strangers.
1,000% agree.
Yaaaasssss 🔥👏🏻✊🏻