Thank you for your amazing example of how to tell men NO, that isn’t what I said. No, that isn’t what I want to do. No, I’m not going to do that. I really admire your ability to be so clear about what is right for you. Thank you for helping me learn too.
I’m so pissed right now for you. I am so effing livid. I don’t even know how you kept your composure, while standing your ground. Kudos to you. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to do that.
That man had big "You can't fire me I quit" energy :) Also, don't get into an argument with a feminist rhetorician! You will lose! Is "you can't fire me I quit" a rhet pattern yet? Because it certainly pervades the male discourse...
His discussion of his feelings was meant to shame you into doing what he wanted. He knows that women are socialized to cater to men's emotions and that our emotional and even physical safety sometimes depend on being able to do so. His tantrum was simply a ploy so he could control your decision. I'm glad you didn't agree to water down your important message.
Welp, the one benefit of having survived some pretty bad shit is that it makes those toxic and abusive tactics light up like neon. As soon as he went there, I just thought, "Oh, I already know this one." 🙄
Because of BHDM, I knew exactly what to do when faced with aggressive, gaslighting, poor-me, bad-woman, responses from not one, but two, mechanics. I feel I've earned some kind of certificate, not the least for staying calm and measured in my communications. We'll be meeting in court and I'm ready.
I’m having the same issue this coming week. The less you say, the louder you speak. Facts, evidence, proof. Way louder than being loud. Go get em girl!
All the following comments!-men have been habituated to being entitled and at the top of the food chain (aka centralized) for Soooooo long they likely can't even hear or see a "No" and these ways of gaslighting etc are sooo ingrained it's just all normal to them.
When men bring their emotions into the discussion like this, do we think they are doing it deliberately/consciously? ("I know, let me act all sad and she'll try to make me feel better by doing what I want!") Or have they been doing this unconsciously for so long (their whole lives perhaps) that it's sort of an automated response at this point? ("Aw, she made me sad, I should tell her that cuz I bet she didn't mean to. Then she'll maybe stop making me sad.") Not that we should cater to them either way, but I'm definitely curious about what's going on in those dense little brains of theirs.
They do it because it is generally effective to get them what they want. Whether they have to consciously think about it before deploying the tactic does not really matter. One thing I am almost certain of though. They don't assume that we don't realize we made them sad. That's something that women do for men, give them the benefit of the doubt. Men don't do that for women. Also he's not really sad. He's irritated that she's not giving in to what he wants. The sadness is a ploy, a manipulation tactic. He pouts or whines to get what he wants.
It's an important question, & I think it's automated. That countering for no good reason happens toward women usually immediately. They don't do it to fellow males.
Good for you, holding that ground. This is why you are a hero and shining example to so many of us. Sorry to hear the experience with this TEDx group was so discouraging.I hope that it’s possible to apply to TED for selection as part of another event.
On a positive note: we are diligently raising our own boy to not do exactly what these men have done — use their discomfort with being corrected as an excuse to make the “triggerer” of those emotions (emotions that exist to teach them to be better) extend comfort and even an apology. He’s learning to take pride in his ability to emotionally regulate as a sign that he’s “becoming a man” and we’re thrilled for it. Still exhausting, and having to “raise” random adult men at every turn is something I’ve lost patience for. My (mostly internal) mantra is “I’m reserving that emotional capacity for my 13 year old, so I’ve got none left for your grown ass”!!! 🤣
I have two boys and feel this deeply. There's a reason I divorced their father -- but the tipping point was when I realized how much more distress tolerance my (then) 10 year old had than my (then) 47 year old husband. May the women of the future not have to handle our men of the future with kid gloves.
I truly appreciate how you are able to stand up for yourself and stand up for all women at the same time. Watching how you saw through what this man was doing - while also experiencing frustration and disappointment, or something related, perhaps - is fascinating, as well as something I hope to be able to do. Thank you for all you do and for sharing it with the community.
And I agree wholeheartedly - men are threatened by this Method. They don't know what to do with any loss of control or power. It's an exciting time for women to support one another, and I hope to see a lot of that, especially now.
Putting aside all of his “feelings,” I have a lot of my own feelings about this exchange. Kudos for removing your application and I feel certain it will get a bigger stage.
This reminds me of the wistful song from West Side Story "There's a place for us". This Ted Talk would likely be accepted in a place like California or New York City, a more liberal state. Jennie~ I hope someone receives your proposal and embraces it wholeheartedly!
Makes me think about contacting the venue which hosts TEDx. Eg, if it's a liberal venue (a Natural History Museum, eg?), would the venue be upset to hear that women's perspectives are being silenced/repressed? Bc the venue hosts the event, but wouldn't be aware of discrimination in the selection process, but might still have a stake in it.
Bigger stage: John Stewart, John Oliver, Stephen Colbert? Especially if Desi Ledic could interview you when she is a guest host on the John Stewart show!
Men (boys really) are f’ing unbelievable, aren’t they?
Good for you for standing your ground and refusing to comply.
I love this movement you’ve created. I love everything about it. I love that it makes men uncomfortable, because we’re always uncomfortable. It’s time they are as well. F them.
And keep on carrying on Jenny, with your bold and unapologetic intelligence. We support you, forever.
I'm not on the apps, and not sure i even will be anytime soon, but I read the posts every morning. "The rules" rule! But the rhetoric patterns and decoding of the minimal information in a profile is way more valuable, and extends into daily life dealing with men in general. They definitely missed and proved your point simultaneously. You go, girl!
Seriously? Do they not know what you do for a living? That you would see right through their mansplaining? What a joke. I'm proud of you for turning it down. If it were me, I probably would have done the talk, but spoke on exactly what you wanted to. Easier to ask for forgiveness then ask for permission. But I'm glad you called them out.
That did occur to me, but I know how that org works behind the scenes, and I knew they wouldn't send it on to TED.com for production -- it would've been a waste of time. Also I just didn't trust them anymore at that point. I figured even if I got my way they'd "accidentally" f up the filming or audio or editing or something and I'd end up with a poor quality talk.
Thank you for staying true to your values and your work! We are watching and taking notes out here. Thank you for turning on the light in a very dark room!!
This man was disrespectful, abusive, and manipulative. I just emailed this statement to TED Talks with the subject line of TEDx licenses and included a link to the post. He should not be allowed to hold a TEDx license or represent TED in any way. I have organized TEDx events and had TEDx licenses in three cities, and his attitude and behavior does not align with the mission.
Thank you for your clarity and boldness. Much admiration sent your way. You are a role model for women who are in these positions often. Be well and keep writing!
Thank you for your amazing example of how to tell men NO, that isn’t what I said. No, that isn’t what I want to do. No, I’m not going to do that. I really admire your ability to be so clear about what is right for you. Thank you for helping me learn too.
Aww, thank you for these kind words 💙
I’m so pissed right now for you. I am so effing livid. I don’t even know how you kept your composure, while standing your ground. Kudos to you. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to do that.
I have to admit it was a challenge, lol. I wanted to say WAY worse things.
THIS post is your TED talk.
Yes, I imagine there was a lot of contemplating, typing then deleting…lol. I’m so sorry.
That man had big "You can't fire me I quit" energy :) Also, don't get into an argument with a feminist rhetorician! You will lose! Is "you can't fire me I quit" a rhet pattern yet? Because it certainly pervades the male discourse...
Whoa. Seriously, this is a whole vibe. "You can't dump me because I am dumping you!" Whoa. Yes.
Omg yes!!!
Yes, yes, yes!
His discussion of his feelings was meant to shame you into doing what he wanted. He knows that women are socialized to cater to men's emotions and that our emotional and even physical safety sometimes depend on being able to do so. His tantrum was simply a ploy so he could control your decision. I'm glad you didn't agree to water down your important message.
Welp, the one benefit of having survived some pretty bad shit is that it makes those toxic and abusive tactics light up like neon. As soon as he went there, I just thought, "Oh, I already know this one." 🙄
Because of BHDM, I knew exactly what to do when faced with aggressive, gaslighting, poor-me, bad-woman, responses from not one, but two, mechanics. I feel I've earned some kind of certificate, not the least for staying calm and measured in my communications. We'll be meeting in court and I'm ready.
I’m having the same issue this coming week. The less you say, the louder you speak. Facts, evidence, proof. Way louder than being loud. Go get em girl!
All the following comments!-men have been habituated to being entitled and at the top of the food chain (aka centralized) for Soooooo long they likely can't even hear or see a "No" and these ways of gaslighting etc are sooo ingrained it's just all normal to them.
When men bring their emotions into the discussion like this, do we think they are doing it deliberately/consciously? ("I know, let me act all sad and she'll try to make me feel better by doing what I want!") Or have they been doing this unconsciously for so long (their whole lives perhaps) that it's sort of an automated response at this point? ("Aw, she made me sad, I should tell her that cuz I bet she didn't mean to. Then she'll maybe stop making me sad.") Not that we should cater to them either way, but I'm definitely curious about what's going on in those dense little brains of theirs.
They do it because it is generally effective to get them what they want. Whether they have to consciously think about it before deploying the tactic does not really matter. One thing I am almost certain of though. They don't assume that we don't realize we made them sad. That's something that women do for men, give them the benefit of the doubt. Men don't do that for women. Also he's not really sad. He's irritated that she's not giving in to what he wants. The sadness is a ploy, a manipulation tactic. He pouts or whines to get what he wants.
It's an important question, & I think it's automated. That countering for no good reason happens toward women usually immediately. They don't do it to fellow males.
control
Right, that tactic is so transparent. Disgusting really.
Disgusting truly is the word!
Good for you, holding that ground. This is why you are a hero and shining example to so many of us. Sorry to hear the experience with this TEDx group was so discouraging.I hope that it’s possible to apply to TED for selection as part of another event.
On a positive note: we are diligently raising our own boy to not do exactly what these men have done — use their discomfort with being corrected as an excuse to make the “triggerer” of those emotions (emotions that exist to teach them to be better) extend comfort and even an apology. He’s learning to take pride in his ability to emotionally regulate as a sign that he’s “becoming a man” and we’re thrilled for it. Still exhausting, and having to “raise” random adult men at every turn is something I’ve lost patience for. My (mostly internal) mantra is “I’m reserving that emotional capacity for my 13 year old, so I’ve got none left for your grown ass”!!! 🤣
I have two boys and feel this deeply. There's a reason I divorced their father -- but the tipping point was when I realized how much more distress tolerance my (then) 10 year old had than my (then) 47 year old husband. May the women of the future not have to handle our men of the future with kid gloves.
Yes! I’ve said it for years… we must raise our boys to be the kinds of men we wished were around for us, or nothing will ever get better.
I truly appreciate how you are able to stand up for yourself and stand up for all women at the same time. Watching how you saw through what this man was doing - while also experiencing frustration and disappointment, or something related, perhaps - is fascinating, as well as something I hope to be able to do. Thank you for all you do and for sharing it with the community.
And I agree wholeheartedly - men are threatened by this Method. They don't know what to do with any loss of control or power. It's an exciting time for women to support one another, and I hope to see a lot of that, especially now.
Spot on! They are threatened. And especially threatened by the word Feminism.
I have a feeling that Jennie could’ve said whatever she wanted on that stage, as long as she avoided the F word.
Yes, this!
I think the very word "feminism" felt unpalatable to this man.
That makes me realize what an incredibly long road we are on here.
Putting aside all of his “feelings,” I have a lot of my own feelings about this exchange. Kudos for removing your application and I feel certain it will get a bigger stage.
I agree. There’s a bigger stage/audience somewhere/time/place for Jennie and her mission 💪🏽
One word. OPRAH.
Amen. I'm so ready for her message to be fruitful and multiply! ;-)
This reminds me of the wistful song from West Side Story "There's a place for us". This Ted Talk would likely be accepted in a place like California or New York City, a more liberal state. Jennie~ I hope someone receives your proposal and embraces it wholeheartedly!
Makes me think about contacting the venue which hosts TEDx. Eg, if it's a liberal venue (a Natural History Museum, eg?), would the venue be upset to hear that women's perspectives are being silenced/repressed? Bc the venue hosts the event, but wouldn't be aware of discrimination in the selection process, but might still have a stake in it.
Bigger stage: John Stewart, John Oliver, Stephen Colbert? Especially if Desi Ledic could interview you when she is a guest host on the John Stewart show!
https://youtu.be/sVohS8t61kk
100% agree! Some big players will show--this movement is too big to ignore (or try to "contain" FFS!)
Men (boys really) are f’ing unbelievable, aren’t they?
Good for you for standing your ground and refusing to comply.
I love this movement you’ve created. I love everything about it. I love that it makes men uncomfortable, because we’re always uncomfortable. It’s time they are as well. F them.
And keep on carrying on Jenny, with your bold and unapologetic intelligence. We support you, forever.
I love everything about this movement as well. I am learning so much every single day.
Oh this was so acute and OMG the gaslighting!! YOU ARE GIVING ME LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!!!
I think we're all giving each other life. #Haystacktivism! ✊🔥
I'm not on the apps, and not sure i even will be anytime soon, but I read the posts every morning. "The rules" rule! But the rhetoric patterns and decoding of the minimal information in a profile is way more valuable, and extends into daily life dealing with men in general. They definitely missed and proved your point simultaneously. You go, girl!
Seriously? Do they not know what you do for a living? That you would see right through their mansplaining? What a joke. I'm proud of you for turning it down. If it were me, I probably would have done the talk, but spoke on exactly what you wanted to. Easier to ask for forgiveness then ask for permission. But I'm glad you called them out.
That did occur to me, but I know how that org works behind the scenes, and I knew they wouldn't send it on to TED.com for production -- it would've been a waste of time. Also I just didn't trust them anymore at that point. I figured even if I got my way they'd "accidentally" f up the filming or audio or editing or something and I'd end up with a poor quality talk.
Great point!
Please consider encouraging your followers to nominate you for the TED stage not Tedx.
I seriously got so tickled at them for trying to mansplain and gaslight Jennie. Big mistake on their part.
🤣😂🤣
I don't think their egos would let them "stand down" from Jennie!
Thank you for staying true to your values and your work! We are watching and taking notes out here. Thank you for turning on the light in a very dark room!!
This man was disrespectful, abusive, and manipulative. I just emailed this statement to TED Talks with the subject line of TEDx licenses and included a link to the post. He should not be allowed to hold a TEDx license or represent TED in any way. I have organized TEDx events and had TEDx licenses in three cities, and his attitude and behavior does not align with the mission.
It's so awesome that you did this! Maybe this will garner more attention to our cause. Nice work!
I will do the same. Great idea!
Haystacktivism!! Way to stand our ground, Jennie!
I can't even with most men right now. WTAF?
Truth, girl, TRUTH
Thank you for your clarity and boldness. Much admiration sent your way. You are a role model for women who are in these positions often. Be well and keep writing!