This is How You Avoid Sexual Aggression on the Dating Apps

Sexually aggressive men are like age-related diseases. It’s better to prevent them than to contend with them. However, also like age-related diseases, you can do everything right and they’ll still crop up. You can go vegan and run marathons and meditate and do yoga and eat only organic foods and still end up with type 2 diabetes and any number of cancers.

For this article, though, we’re going to focus on prevention. I’m writing in response to this comment posted by one of the women in Burned Haystack Facebook group.  

“I’m trying to use BHDM to filter by noticing red flags for sexual language early on. I’m not opposed to sex, but it feels predatory to be put in a situation where it’s pushed before being in a committed relationship. Any advice for using BHDM to help with this? Or how to communicate it up front? I don’t think I give the signals, but they start trying to get me alone or to go to their house and trying to get me to drink alcohol. I get uncomfortable rapey vibes and I question if it’s my communication or if most every guy is a pervert.”

My initial response to her is this:

None of this is your fault. Also not every guy is a pervert.

None of us should HAVE to think this hard about whether simply being a woman person in the world is “sending signals” to aggressive men.

That said, here’s the truth, and it’s a painful truth:

For far too many men, simply not sending signals isn’t enough; we have to overcorrect and intentionally send signals that we’re NOT down for anything with anyone at any time. If I were a purely theoretical feminist, I might tell you to stop wasting your precious time and energy even worrying about this, that you shouldn’t give a second thought to what kind of signals you’re sending, that if you want to show up for Date #1 in fishnets and a tube top and spike heels then you should go ahead and do that. And for the record, I 💯% believe you SHOULD be able to do that and also that doing so shouldn’t compromise your feminist identity if you identify that way.

But I’m not one of those feminists; I live too much in the real world. Theoretical academic feminism is important, and I believe in it as a disciplinary framework and teach it in my classes. I also tell the young women in my classes that I’m not willing to risk their safety for the sake of academic orthodoxy; in other words, they have to play by a different set of rules than their male peers, and I care enough about them to not pretend otherwise.

All of this is to recognize that this entire article should be unnecessary, and so should all the tips I’m about to share. Women should not require “tips” or “pointers” or “strategies” in 2024 to simply move through the world without being aggressed or assaulted or harassed. The world shouldn’t be this way. But it is, and I’m a pragmatist, and we’re going to deal with this problem pragmatically.

Crowd-sourced from the comment threads in the BHDM Facebook group, here’s our best advice:

• Practice a STRICT application of Burned Haystack. You can see all the rules here.
  

• Use this guide for navigating messages:

• Dress as you’d dress for a regular day at work or with your friends and family. The most important thing about how you dress for a date is whether YOU are comfortable. Train yourself to consciously reject the male gaze when it comes to selecting your clothing, doing your hair and makeup, etc. I’m not suggesting you show up unwashed and wearing stained sweatpants; I’m suggesting that Date #1 does not warrant herculean effort on your part to look as amazing as you possibly can. If Date #1 goes really well, you’ll have other opportunities to glam it up all you want later, if that’s something you want.
  

• Although it goes without saying that you should not date men who mention anything to do with sex early on, you should also avoid men who say anything at all about your appearance early on. These guidelines have nothing to do with religion or prudishness or conservative values; they have to do with the fact that men talking about sex and/or your appearance before they even know you is inherently objectifying. It’s a rhetorical clue that in their minds you are an object, not an autonomous human being. Nearly every single BHDM success story includes a line that says something to the effect of “I was ruthless in blocking any man who mentioned sex or my appearance.” And remember that these are the success stories; these are the stories that feature pictures of happy couples, so it’s pretty clear that opting out of the “hey gorgeous” contingent renders you MORE likely to meet a good guy, not less.
  

• Suggest a breakfast or lunch meeting rather than dinner/drinks. This takes both alcohol and darkness out of the equation, and deleting those two elements will radically alter the overall dynamics in a way that’s protective.
  

• Only agree to meet in places that you’re familiar with and that you know will be reasonably well-populated at the hour you’re meeting.
  

• On a first date, never ever ever ever ever ever ever go to someone’s house, let him come to your house, or get in someone’s car.
  

• Park YOUR car in a populated area. If you’re not driving, don’t agree to meet somewhere that could potentially leave you stranded; pick locations close to public transit or easily accessible (in the populated areas) to Uber or Lyft. Also, you don’t need him to walk you to your car. On every single first date I went on, even if the guy seemed GREAT, when he offered to walk me to my car I just said “no thanks!” and smiled and waved as I walked away. And I didn’t feel bad about it, and I didn’t give it a second thought afterward. I’m kind of a bitch, and I use that phrase in the positive sense. And the thing about being a bitch is that it puts out bitch vibes, and the creepers don’t like that anyway; it’s a great haystack-burner. Predators go for both “insecure” and “low effort.” So be a bitch who’s a lot of work. 😁🤷‍♀️

[Side note: forgive me for being overly-binary, but I’m realizing that all of this advice is aimed at women who date men. It’s not that women can never be dangerous, it’s just that both experience and statistics suggest that’s not a significant risk. Nearly 99% of sexual predators are male. I’m sitting in a coffee shop with a friend right now, and she’s dated both men and women. She’s going out on a first date with a woman tonight, and she just said (without having any idea what I’m writing about right now), “You know what’s weird about tonight’s first date? Because it’s a woman, I’m just purely excited. I’m not scared at all.” This is heartbreaking. It also makes perfect sense.]

My last piece of advice on this is the hardest to define because it’s about attitude rather than behavior. When you go meet someone for a first date, remember that you are a self-contained entity. You owe him nothing, and you should be far more concerned with what you think of him than vice versa. You came alone, and you are leaving alone. If you decide this beforehand, you’ll take pressure off yourself, keep yourself safe, and send a strong message of independence and strength (both of which are actually super attractive to the good guys).

I’m ending this article by re-visiting the most powerful rule of BHDM: Rule #4, which is “Block To Burn.” The *second* someone says or does something you don’t like on a dating app, block him, with zero words. It doesn’t have to be anything “bad” or “offensive” or “threatening.” I once blocked someone for being gluten-free (remember earlier when I said I was a bitch? 😂 I really love to bake, and I need my baked goods to be appreciated!!!). I’m being serious, though. “Blocking,” in whatever form it takes—on the dating apps to ensure you won’t see him again, on your i-phone to prevent late night “you up?” texts, or by looking him straight in the eye and saying, “Don’t ever contact me again,” is how you maintain autonomy and safety in the dating arena. It’s also how you avoid wasted time, which is the more pedestrian and less dramatic risk of being on the apps.

Okay I think I’m done. I hope this has been helpful. ❤️🔥❤️