This Turned Disastrous. What Did I Miss?
A post-mortem analysis using his dating app profile
image: “Dream Chaser,” by Andrea Kowch
Burned Haystack community member’s question:
“I am recovering from a relationship that was the worst I have ever experienced. This was the man's profile. I understand now there's a disciplinary directive, what else have I missed? Thank you.”
Here’s his bio:
First problem:
He kicks it off by announcing “I am relaxed and have an easy-going demeanor.” This is a huge red flag. Here’s why: nobody asked. He’s almost certainly proclaiming this in response to all the voices in his past who’ve made the point (I’m sure accurately) that he is not at all relaxed or easy-going. This is the “methinks thou dost protest too much” effect, in which men claim things defensively, such as “I have never hit a woman” (which means he’s done a bunch of other abusive things but is letting himself off on a technicality; non-abusive men never say this; it doesn’t even occur to them to say it, because their baseline code of behavior involves not hurting women. Not hurting women is the water they swim in, and it does not need to be called out).
Same thing with men who claim to be “emotionally evolved” or (worse) “an empath” (run).
His next move after claiming his easy-going demeanor is to make demands of women. Women he hasn’t even met.
Do not be deceived by “I simply request.” This is a command. It’s Burned Haystack rhetorical pattern “Disciplinary/Directive,” and it is among the most toxic and most predictive of future abuse. You can watch the reel on it here:
His “simple requests” imply an absolute dissolving of appropriate boundaries (“unwavering loyalty”).
This is not only inappropriate but dangerous. It falls into two toxic Burned Haystack rhetorical patterns: “Looking for a tradwife” (“loyalty” is coded for tradwife in current discourses) and “Cult leader language.” You can see that reel here:
There is no world in which this man was going to be safe or healthy to date, and I am not blaming the woman who posted this.
I am grateful to her for posting it, because I am certain that most of us in this platform looked past this stuff in the past and ended up in destructive or dangerous situations because of it. I definitely did.
The trifecta of “disciplinary/directive,” “looking for a tradwife,” and “cult leader language” is red-alert dangerous (any one of those on their own is a problem).
Taken together, they portray a man who is violent (emotionally and/or physically), obsessed with control, and who sees women as beneath and subject to men.
You can view all the rhetorical patterns from the “rhet patts” highlight on my instagram grid, or if you’re more of a reader than a watcher, you can read about and see real-life examples of every pattern in my upcoming book. Links to major retailers here: https://www.harpercollins.com/products/burn-the-haystack-jennie-young?variant=43947396399138
The most demanding men I know, swear up and down they are easygoing. The most reactive and touchy men I know, boast they are drama-free. The men with the weakest handle on the emotional responses, insist they are rational. (I’m fairly certain at this point very few men define rational or common sense correctly.) While they may admit to “not being perfect, after all, we’re all human” the problem is never them. It is never their fault. So exhausting and irritating. I usually laugh in their faces, although I don’t recommend that, because it doesn’t go over well, and some of these men may hurt you.
Anytime I see profiles with “lists”, I automatically btb, always have. I’ve come to find that all those lists are really self admissions;
“Don’t be crazy” (they are)
“Please be honest “(they are not)
“Do not use drugs” (they have dui)
Read between the lines. It’s all there.