We Need to Talk About Jeff

And all the Jeffs on the dating apps . . .

I met Jeff on Hinge. Single dad, senior financial advisor, no red flags in his profile, non-drinker like me, fit and good looking. He complimented my profile and asked me if I would like to meet for coffee. I told him that I might like to do that, but that I didn’t know anything about him.

He responded to that as well as any man could: First, he said he thought I was smart to be cautious, and that he imagined online dating could be pretty awful for women. His messages were thoughtful, articulate, and grammatically correct – yay!! He gave me his full name so that I could background check him or verify other ways. I immediately found him on LinkedIn, and then on his company’s website; he was clearly who he said he was. I even read online reviews from clients who’d worked with him, and they practically glowed: “He’s kind, he’s honest, he had our best interests at heart, he’s trustworthy,” etc.

We exchanged a few more messages, and then I said I’d be willing to meet for coffee, but before we did, I wanted to be sure he truly wanted to pursue a connection two hours away (he lives in Madison; I live in a city two hours away from Madison). This was his response:

“In reality, it would have to be a pretty special connection for that to happen. I didn’t look at the distance until halfway through our chat. Chances are slim that I would make it your direction, but if you happen to travel to Madison, I would love to get coffee.”

Jeff told me everything I need to know about Jeff; it’s in his own words: “Chances are slim that I would make it your direction, but if you happen to travel to Madison, I would love to get coffee.”

This is what dating Jeff would be like: on Jeff’s terms, convenient for Jeff, and opportunistic. Jeff is saying, “If you magically materialize in front of me due to no effort on my part, I will be happy to engage with you; but I’m not going to go out of my way.”

Being willing to meet halfway (literally or figuratively) is the most baseline requirement for any viable relationship. Jeff isn’t willing to meet halfway for coffee. For coffee that was his idea.

To be clear: I don’t blame him at all for not wanting to start a relationship with someone two hours away; I don’t want that either. The right way to respond, therefore, would be to say something like this: “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we lived that far away. I’m not in a place to take on a long-distance relationship right now, but it’s been nice chatting with you, and I wish you all the best!” That’s what I would have done in his position. I wouldn’t have just assumed it was okay to kick off a relationship in such a lopsided way. Doing so reveals a level of entitlement and ego that doesn’t bode well.

I actually do go to Madison for work on a fairly regular basis, and I usually have down time between meetings while I’m there, so I could easily reason that since I’m going there anyway, I might as well meet up with him and see what happens. Who knows, maybe once he MEETS me, he’ll be so taken with me that he WILL want to start a long-distance relationship. And anyway, What’s to lose? He seems like a really good guy.

Let’s break that down:

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“Maybe once he MEETS me, he’ll be so taken with me that he WILL want to start a long-distance relationship.”

First of all, this is unlikely to happen. I’m a realist, and this sounds like a plotline from a rom-com. But let’s let ourselves be delusional for a minute and say that it happens exactly like this: He actually does fall head over heels for me and decides that distance means nothing in the face of his fascination with me (I’m laughing as I type this, but for the sake of argument I’m going to keep going). Then what? I’ve landed a super-inconvenient long-term relationship with a guy I already know is selfish? Awesome.

“What’s to lose?”

I don’t know – an hour? Two hours? Whatever it costs in gas to drive to wherever is most convenient for him to meet? The opportunity to do something or meet someone else? My dignity? My credibility in leading a project about haystack burning? It seems like there might actually be a lot to lose.

“He seems like a really good guy.”

For sure. Just ask him. He’s such a good guy that women flock to him from across the state for the opportunity to drink coffee in his presence.

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I wished Jeff well and then blocked him immediately without waiting for any response (Rule #4 of Burned Haystack Dating Method™: “Block to Burn”—if you don’t block them they get recycled back to you in the app, so you have to actually block, not just swipe them away; otherwise you’re just wasting your time and energy).

This might seem harsh, but it’s not; it’s pragmatic, and Burned Haystack is a pragmatic approach. It’s based upon efficiency, logic, applied rhetoric, and feminism. The apps have needed a methodology and a feminist correction for a long time, and this little story about Jeff (so sorry, Jeff!) is just one example of its application.

Thanks for reading, and more to come . . .