I’m in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area which can mean up to 2 hours to cross the metroplex. I get guys who “like” me all the time and turn out to be total Jeffs!! My location is on my profile. One quick search of the map shows you exactly how far away I am. I just turned 60 after having been widowed for almost 5 years. Is it because there are so many women to each man that they seem so complacent, sitting back and taking applications to witness their awesomeness? It is baffling.
There are actually more men than women on the dating apps -- up to 3 times more, in fact. The problem is that there are more DATABLE women than men, even accounting for the imbalance in straight numbers (this is supported by research, not just my opinion). There are multiple reasons that are too complicated to go into here, but in general: women have just done more work -- we've taken better care of ourselves and built more stable and mature lives and social connections; we've gone to therapy, etc. Another factor -- this doesn't apply to you as you are a widow -- I'm very sorry for that, by the way :( -- is that most divorces are initiated by women. So there are tons of single women who've made a conscious decision to be on their own and pursue happiness that way whereas there are a bunch of angry and confused men who can't figure out why they're even divorced. And then rather than interrogating and addressing it, they get on a dating app and just look for sex, which they feel entitled to. It's a serious problem. There ARE really good single men on the apps, and this method is specifically designed to help you find them, but overall men just have a lot of work to do to catch up.
I am 58 and do not find this to be true at all in this age group (though for sure is true UNDER 40). And of course, the older the men are, the less likely they are to want to date their contemporaries. If I want to date someone my mom's age, lots of choice. But I already buried one husband who was close to my age.....
Actually the ratio greatly favors women. My personal theory about men not wanting to be in long distance relationships is that it is too hard for them to drop by for a quickie.
I’m in DFW also…52, divorced for 11y, and the dating scene is a 💩show. BHDM has been a big help to me to sift through the garbage. Best of luck to you. 😘
I’m close to Weatherford so I understand the distance thing is a real issue. But the quality of an available men within even an hour is pitiful. I love what Jennie said above, men just don’t do the work like women do. They do feel entitled to sex, willing to bring it up in a first text exchange! It is mind boggling to me the men that have been angry when I don’t respond to their “like” (before I learned the Burned Haystack Dating Method) when it’s clear they didn’t read anything about my desires in a relationship. I don’t know how pics of fishing, proudly holding the rack of a dead deer and camping correlate to my love of theatre, being a lifelong student and a frequent visitor to museums. But then I found Jennie and have let go of the feeling of guilt when I hurt one of these poor guy’s feelings.
This analysis is EXACTLY why I am looking forward to your Rhetoric in Real Life course. As you put it in the syllabus that our success and peace of mind depend on how accurately we interpret others' motivations, which seems to be my biggest failing. I expect others to be as straightforward and clear as I am; or at least attempt to be. I never would have analyzed Jeff's profile in that way. I am so looking forward to learning more every day!
He also tipped his hand that he hadn't actually read your profile carefully enough to see where you lived. I always do. I live in the Bay Area and it's not just distance, it's the hassle. There are easy 40 miles that take 40 minutes, and gnarly ones that take and hour and a half.
I have said, "He'd have to be the Jon Hamm of the East Bay to get me to cross a bridge."
Thank you so much for this-- I literally JUST learned this lesson the hard way with a "Jeff" of my own. When I brought up our 2 hour distance in our initial chat, he said "Honestly, the only reason I'd be out that way is for you," which I interpreted as "oh, he's offering to come out to meet me!" Nope, definitely not. I went out of my way twice to meet him-- because I was sort of in the area for other reasons and rationalized the dates exactly in all the same ways you just laid out. It took two months (two in-person dates, lots of texting/ facetime) for me to realize I was putting in all the effort and he was only available on his own terms. Now I know: "This is what dating Jeff would be like: on Jeff’s terms, convenient for Jeff, and opportunistic. Jeff is saying, 'If you magically materialize in front of me due to no effort on my part, I will be happy to engage with you; but I’m not going to go out of my way.'”
I think we've all learned this lesson the hard way . . . I'm sorry you had this experience, but good for you that you cut it off quickly and didn't waste any additional time.
I met someone 1/2 way once and he was 50 minutes late, I had already left. I do not travel to meet or date anymore. I also unmatch anyone who asks to meet before exchanging messages (first message request), this happened recently.
With all of the work I have to do to vet, that first message needs to be thoughtful, otherwise I am wasting my own time because many men just like the ego boost, the thought of dating but not the actual effort it takes to date.
One man I chatted with did the same thing after a few messages, asking me if I ever travel to his area, he was an immediate block to burn because men outnumber women on the apps and he just showed me his low effort hand.
What a great article, thank you. I had been chatting to a guy on an App, he lived a few hours away, so he said he would come to my town for a few days to catch up with daughter. We were to meet, I asked for his surname - did a check - all good. No red flags, the morning we were going to meet for lunch I got a message, couldn't make it but maybe tomorrow or in a few days - I said shame, I was disappointed - and that was that!! no return message - nothing. Are we that expendable? It is disappointing and as Gini said below baffling !
Wow I love this. I always used to have a problem with language and understanding men language and thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was too nice but now it seems it’s just men testing us to see how low we will stoop for them. I studied business in college so communication is a learned skill but I never learned rhetoric to realize there’s always hidden meaning. Thank you for this series and I look forward to reading more articles and applying their lessons to my dating life
I’ve lived in two big cities now without a car for the past 16 years – and I’m even picky about what areas of the city I’ll date a guy from.
It sounds petty, living in certain cities (I was in NYC and now I’m in Chicago) without a car there are just places that are really difficult to move between — I was in Washington Heights in NYC, so no way was I going to Queens (or Jersey City), and now that I’m in Edgewater in Chicago I’m not going to date someone on the South Side (or in Wicker Park).
No one is really worth a 60+ minute public transit ride that involves at least two buses, especially since the express bus ride to the job that pays me a lot of money that I really love takes only 34 minutes door-to-door. 🤣
I am in a long distance relationship. He’s in west Va I’m in DC 3.5 hours away. He and I make it work. A man will make it work if he’s interested in you truly. Don’t waste your time with those that won’t. It is not worth the frustration and heartache. Yes it can be difficult and frustrating for logistical reasons but not because we are not both interested in problem solving our way around this. We knew the challenge the moment we matched on the app and still ventured forward. It’s been completely worth it and I can say 8 months into this that I think I may have found my needle.
I want to add that he’s being clear he won’t do the work and wants you to do it. Nope. That’s not gonna be ok with me. It takes a clear balance and willingness for both parties to show interest and effort. Otherwise btb
I don't like driving long distances or at night, I never have...and with him saying pretty much "you come to where I am" that would never work for me. I guess I hope if I ever date or meet someone, they will be understanding and a better driver than me? I don't mind like a 30 or 40 minute trip, but that's my limit, and I don't want to even do that if it's dark. I don't think this guy seemed interested enough or he would have maybe suggested meeting halfway.
I live in a rural like area where local is not a huge option. You pretty much don't want to date the local man here. I'm automatically looking for people that are 30 minutes to an hour away or more. I don't travel. (Not that I'm dating at all right now, this was in the past.) So one of the first things I always discussed was are you willing to travel to me and explaining that I am unable to travel right now so I would need you to do the majority of traveling. If it's a no-go then they're a no go.
I really appreciate this analysis. I’ve been in a relationship with someone for 5 months who I felt immediately passed many of the tests Which felt wayyyy to easy at the outset. However, as I continue to get to know him deeper and read this content, I am able to see some of the underlying ‘concerns’. I think these are workable and I can use this content to address them with him in a meaningful and productive way. I also know he is open to that work, which is why I am not walking away and continuing to move forward with him. I do believe he is my needle, and I am armed with tools to do the hard work more easily.
I subscribed here to support your awesome work but I’m a little confused about content here vs the Facebook group. Maybe you can explain the difference in a post? I thought all the Fb content would be here too so i wouldn’t have to check both. Thanks!
There will be some crossover in content, but because they're different platforms that lend themselves to different formats, there will also be stuff that's on one but not the other. Longer form stuff will be here for sure, and the ability to comment and discuss with others is now happening here more than on facebook because it's a safer space :)
I’m in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area which can mean up to 2 hours to cross the metroplex. I get guys who “like” me all the time and turn out to be total Jeffs!! My location is on my profile. One quick search of the map shows you exactly how far away I am. I just turned 60 after having been widowed for almost 5 years. Is it because there are so many women to each man that they seem so complacent, sitting back and taking applications to witness their awesomeness? It is baffling.
There are actually more men than women on the dating apps -- up to 3 times more, in fact. The problem is that there are more DATABLE women than men, even accounting for the imbalance in straight numbers (this is supported by research, not just my opinion). There are multiple reasons that are too complicated to go into here, but in general: women have just done more work -- we've taken better care of ourselves and built more stable and mature lives and social connections; we've gone to therapy, etc. Another factor -- this doesn't apply to you as you are a widow -- I'm very sorry for that, by the way :( -- is that most divorces are initiated by women. So there are tons of single women who've made a conscious decision to be on their own and pursue happiness that way whereas there are a bunch of angry and confused men who can't figure out why they're even divorced. And then rather than interrogating and addressing it, they get on a dating app and just look for sex, which they feel entitled to. It's a serious problem. There ARE really good single men on the apps, and this method is specifically designed to help you find them, but overall men just have a lot of work to do to catch up.
I am 58 and do not find this to be true at all in this age group (though for sure is true UNDER 40). And of course, the older the men are, the less likely they are to want to date their contemporaries. If I want to date someone my mom's age, lots of choice. But I already buried one husband who was close to my age.....
Actually the ratio greatly favors women. My personal theory about men not wanting to be in long distance relationships is that it is too hard for them to drop by for a quickie.
I’m in DFW also…52, divorced for 11y, and the dating scene is a 💩show. BHDM has been a big help to me to sift through the garbage. Best of luck to you. 😘
I’m just south of Fort Worth! Most of my potential matches are an hour away.
I’m close to Weatherford so I understand the distance thing is a real issue. But the quality of an available men within even an hour is pitiful. I love what Jennie said above, men just don’t do the work like women do. They do feel entitled to sex, willing to bring it up in a first text exchange! It is mind boggling to me the men that have been angry when I don’t respond to their “like” (before I learned the Burned Haystack Dating Method) when it’s clear they didn’t read anything about my desires in a relationship. I don’t know how pics of fishing, proudly holding the rack of a dead deer and camping correlate to my love of theatre, being a lifelong student and a frequent visitor to museums. But then I found Jennie and have let go of the feeling of guilt when I hurt one of these poor guy’s feelings.
I care about their feelings as much as they care about mine. Which in most cases is not at all. 🤷🏼♀️
No, I think these guys are lazy. And not interested in me.
This analysis is EXACTLY why I am looking forward to your Rhetoric in Real Life course. As you put it in the syllabus that our success and peace of mind depend on how accurately we interpret others' motivations, which seems to be my biggest failing. I expect others to be as straightforward and clear as I am; or at least attempt to be. I never would have analyzed Jeff's profile in that way. I am so looking forward to learning more every day!
I'm so glad to hear this, and I'm looking forward to the course too! :)
Where can we sign up for your course?
Can you share the link for -the Real life course - please?
Thank you and yes. All. Of THIS!
He also tipped his hand that he hadn't actually read your profile carefully enough to see where you lived. I always do. I live in the Bay Area and it's not just distance, it's the hassle. There are easy 40 miles that take 40 minutes, and gnarly ones that take and hour and a half.
I have said, "He'd have to be the Jon Hamm of the East Bay to get me to cross a bridge."
Lol, for sure. And yes, good point about not reading my profile!
Thank you so much for this-- I literally JUST learned this lesson the hard way with a "Jeff" of my own. When I brought up our 2 hour distance in our initial chat, he said "Honestly, the only reason I'd be out that way is for you," which I interpreted as "oh, he's offering to come out to meet me!" Nope, definitely not. I went out of my way twice to meet him-- because I was sort of in the area for other reasons and rationalized the dates exactly in all the same ways you just laid out. It took two months (two in-person dates, lots of texting/ facetime) for me to realize I was putting in all the effort and he was only available on his own terms. Now I know: "This is what dating Jeff would be like: on Jeff’s terms, convenient for Jeff, and opportunistic. Jeff is saying, 'If you magically materialize in front of me due to no effort on my part, I will be happy to engage with you; but I’m not going to go out of my way.'”
I think we've all learned this lesson the hard way . . . I'm sorry you had this experience, but good for you that you cut it off quickly and didn't waste any additional time.
I met someone 1/2 way once and he was 50 minutes late, I had already left. I do not travel to meet or date anymore. I also unmatch anyone who asks to meet before exchanging messages (first message request), this happened recently.
With all of the work I have to do to vet, that first message needs to be thoughtful, otherwise I am wasting my own time because many men just like the ego boost, the thought of dating but not the actual effort it takes to date.
One man I chatted with did the same thing after a few messages, asking me if I ever travel to his area, he was an immediate block to burn because men outnumber women on the apps and he just showed me his low effort hand.
Sounds like you're doing an excellent job burning the haystack! :)
This is brilliant! And I love this line: "women flock to him from across the state for the opportunity to drink coffee in his presence." Ha! Yes!
What a great article, thank you. I had been chatting to a guy on an App, he lived a few hours away, so he said he would come to my town for a few days to catch up with daughter. We were to meet, I asked for his surname - did a check - all good. No red flags, the morning we were going to meet for lunch I got a message, couldn't make it but maybe tomorrow or in a few days - I said shame, I was disappointed - and that was that!! no return message - nothing. Are we that expendable? It is disappointing and as Gini said below baffling !
Agree -- it's baffling to me too. They all seem to want to date so badly but only if it takes zero effort. It's a childish orientation.
Wow I love this. I always used to have a problem with language and understanding men language and thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was too nice but now it seems it’s just men testing us to see how low we will stoop for them. I studied business in college so communication is a learned skill but I never learned rhetoric to realize there’s always hidden meaning. Thank you for this series and I look forward to reading more articles and applying their lessons to my dating life
I’ve lived in two big cities now without a car for the past 16 years – and I’m even picky about what areas of the city I’ll date a guy from.
It sounds petty, living in certain cities (I was in NYC and now I’m in Chicago) without a car there are just places that are really difficult to move between — I was in Washington Heights in NYC, so no way was I going to Queens (or Jersey City), and now that I’m in Edgewater in Chicago I’m not going to date someone on the South Side (or in Wicker Park).
No one is really worth a 60+ minute public transit ride that involves at least two buses, especially since the express bus ride to the job that pays me a lot of money that I really love takes only 34 minutes door-to-door. 🤣
I am in a long distance relationship. He’s in west Va I’m in DC 3.5 hours away. He and I make it work. A man will make it work if he’s interested in you truly. Don’t waste your time with those that won’t. It is not worth the frustration and heartache. Yes it can be difficult and frustrating for logistical reasons but not because we are not both interested in problem solving our way around this. We knew the challenge the moment we matched on the app and still ventured forward. It’s been completely worth it and I can say 8 months into this that I think I may have found my needle.
I want to add that he’s being clear he won’t do the work and wants you to do it. Nope. That’s not gonna be ok with me. It takes a clear balance and willingness for both parties to show interest and effort. Otherwise btb
I don't like driving long distances or at night, I never have...and with him saying pretty much "you come to where I am" that would never work for me. I guess I hope if I ever date or meet someone, they will be understanding and a better driver than me? I don't mind like a 30 or 40 minute trip, but that's my limit, and I don't want to even do that if it's dark. I don't think this guy seemed interested enough or he would have maybe suggested meeting halfway.
I live in a rural like area where local is not a huge option. You pretty much don't want to date the local man here. I'm automatically looking for people that are 30 minutes to an hour away or more. I don't travel. (Not that I'm dating at all right now, this was in the past.) So one of the first things I always discussed was are you willing to travel to me and explaining that I am unable to travel right now so I would need you to do the majority of traveling. If it's a no-go then they're a no go.
BURNED HAYSTACK DATING METHOD FELICES
I really appreciate this analysis. I’ve been in a relationship with someone for 5 months who I felt immediately passed many of the tests Which felt wayyyy to easy at the outset. However, as I continue to get to know him deeper and read this content, I am able to see some of the underlying ‘concerns’. I think these are workable and I can use this content to address them with him in a meaningful and productive way. I also know he is open to that work, which is why I am not walking away and continuing to move forward with him. I do believe he is my needle, and I am armed with tools to do the hard work more easily.
Hi Jennie,
I subscribed here to support your awesome work but I’m a little confused about content here vs the Facebook group. Maybe you can explain the difference in a post? I thought all the Fb content would be here too so i wouldn’t have to check both. Thanks!
There will be some crossover in content, but because they're different platforms that lend themselves to different formats, there will also be stuff that's on one but not the other. Longer form stuff will be here for sure, and the ability to comment and discuss with others is now happening here more than on facebook because it's a safer space :)
GRACIAS WE NEED TO AGOUT JEFF