I’ve seen that feature used when someone wanted to explain their sobriety and comfort level with others consuming around them, which I thought was helpful. This one is also helpful, although in a completely different way 🤣
I have used it for the exact same thing - I think that’s acceptable because it’s about recovery and health. It’s my own boundaries, I’m saying I am not comfortable being around binge drinkers now, not that they can’t enjoy a drink themselves.
Honestly it’s not been an issue - anyone with those tendencies at all is put off by the prompt I guess and we don’t chat? My experince has been mostly positive - either sharing their own journey or just a general acknowledgement of ‘great you’re prioritising your health’. Granted I’ve not been on the apps for a while now. Didn’t find a needle, just got sick of looking haha.
Seeing different people at once by trying to determine who best aligns with us (with the intention of “settling” with one person) is the definition of dating! It doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily romantically involved with any of them!
The level of audacity of this man to try and control someone this way by saying that she should only be seeing one person at a time is crazy!
This! The sense of entitlement it takes for a man to demand this of a prospective date before even having proven his value - which, obviously, isn’t there to begin with - is astounding!
So I started asking it because I got sick of all the avoidant men who ‘don’t want a relationship but want someone to share things with, go on dates, sleep together, cuddle, cosy nights in , be friends with etc’. Coz that sounds to me exactly like a relationship!? But as they don’t want to ‘label’ it, they get to bail or not show up when they’re needed without any accountability. They want the boyfriend experience without putting in boyfriend effort. But I’ve learnt through BHSM that it’s a really good way also to spot the men who just want a mummy replacement and domestic slave.
Years ago, I read a book penned by a man for women that ripped the veil off all my suspicions about how men date. It didn’t just change my game, it rewired it. I say “try” because with my BS radar on full alert, dating like a “normal” person feels like chasing smoke.
Recently, I just randomly I found BHDM….Finding other like-minded women in the group has been AWESOME. It confirms I’m not crazy for calling out the crap men throw at us and expecting better.
Yeah. They want a girlfriend PERFORMANCE with no obligation for reciprocity. Not an authentic woman who has inconvenient needs, flaws, requirements and wants. But who will be there for them and THEIR needs, flaws, requirements and wants regardless. (And never, ever say no to sex)
They can’t. Men literally do not know what a relationship is. I don’t want a traditional relationship. I’m upfront and open about it. I’ve thought lot about, and very clearly and concisely nailed down what the relationship I want looks like in practical and specific terms. I often connect with men who also don’t want a relationship. But they have no idea what they DO want. They either deflect ‘let’s see where it goes’. (Nope. I’m not interested in doing your thinking for you, or being your guinea pig while you play with ideas. I KNOW where I’m going. Are you coming or not? ‘For the right person’ nuh uh. I’m not letting you road test me to see how much I will give and how little I will tolerate in return before you decide what that sweet spot is. Again, I know what I want. I’m not wasting time on someone who decides that based on my worth to them. Or ‘I don’t want to put a label on it’. This either means ‘I don’t know and can’t be arsed to think about it’ or ‘I’m deliberately not going to be specific so that I can pretend anything I want is permitted by and expected from you and anything I don’t is also ok because I never promised you anything’ Fuck that!)
I digress. Sometimes they give wishy washy meaningless twaddle ‘something real’ (WTAF? Are you meeting imaginary women? How do you know if I’m real then?!) cosy nights in (sex. Yes, yes. Down boy. That can be assumed. And?!!) Fun dates (yes. And then?) ‘a best mate I fancy the pants off’ um, no. Relationships are different from friendships and that difference is NOT sex.
So these are men who are at least not pretending that they want a relationship. But don’t know, and don’t care to spend even a modicum of time and effort figuring out what they DO want. They also don’t know what they DON’T want about a relationship (I’ve got this covered, too)
The definition is usually ‘like my ex, but without the fuss she made when I didn’t bother reciprocating or fulfilling any of the unspoken obligations she went over and above and I didn’t really notice. And with more appreciation and credit for the barest of minimum effort I did put in, but that will be a bit less for you, because I don’t want to be obligated to give support or make effort if I don’t feel like it, and I’m telling you that straight, so it’s ok, I’m still a nice guy. And with more sex’
I have had times where I’m dating as many as 12 people (in the very early stages), and nowadays I like to get to know one or two people at once.
Consistently, no matter what, no matter which way I’m dating, men that even dare mention, no matter how subtly, the number of men I might be talking to turn out to be highly insecure men who know they’re not good enough to compete with other/better men for my attention. They KNOW they are lacking something, and a sense of entitlement comes out of them, because they have been given feedback that they're not good enough to be in relationship with (because they're not).
It’s ALWAYS a no-exceptions red flag for me! B2B 🔥
I even B2B’d a male friend (totally platonic) who mentioned he doesn’t like when women date many men at once. He is insecure, by the way. Insecure people (especially men) are terrible to both date and befriend, I’ve learned with lots of life experience.
The shock when they discover I MEANT ME is hilarious. They almost always arrogantly assume without even thinking about it that I will be after a certain point (often ludicrously early), I’m just telling them it’s ok to fuck around (which they all are anyway, they just don’t say so and then they can pretend that they didn’t promise exclusivity. When they are confronted with it in real life (I’m not babying their fragile masculinity) they pout and sulk and whine. And get blocked. Dude, you got feelings about this? They are YOURS. Figure them out, ascertain the cause, decide your boundaries and use your big boy words to tell me what you need.
I’m totally open to exclusivity. All a guy has to do is 1) openly declare his intention to be exclusive to me. And 2) ASK ME. Openly, politely, maturely and rationally. Not just assume I am, and decide for both of us when he (and in his head therefore WE, since it hasn’t occurred to him I am not, and don’t intend to be, or may decide to on a different and equally valid timeline) will be.
Men have time to waste, women don't (if they want children, which is each woman's choice to make). I think he knows this and is banking on sunk cost fallacy!
It’s got a slut shaming/ you’re a hoe bc you’re dating to find your person vibe to it as well. Along with disciplinary directive and conditional crap. Scary stuff
I have a deeply visceral reaction to any hint of someone trying to limit my autonomy. This sort of comment is only ever guaranteed to make me go 100mph in the opposite direction to what they want, just because f*ck you 😆
When I was a young woman, married with a child, in marital therapy with my husband, I found out he had been secreting away money (we were pretty broke) and going to strip clubs with his work friends for years. Lying for years. I was pretty naive, and also curious, jealous and insecure. I didn’t understand really. One day I went in there. In order to have me not pay, the doorman gave me an application. While I sat at the bar not filling it out, just looking around and trying to figure out the dynamic, the manager offered me a job. When I objected he said, you should do it, you look great.
I wasn’t going to go. But when I went home and told my husband what happened he forbade me to go. So I had to. I was a stripper for one year. I moved on once I understood the vibe. We were divorced by the end.
Looking back I am glad he said I couldn’t go.
Today I am free. I live on a boat with my little dog. I do what I want and go where I want. I am thankful to have this tool to help me see. In my dotage I am not dealing with this toxic bs anymore. I just want to hike and sail and breathe under the trees. Maybe go the museum sometimes 🙏🏽
I had a man similar to this. Tried to "lay down the law" about me taking dance classes that men also took. So I quit swing dance and signed up for belly dancing and pole dancing instead.
Apparently that result was not really what he'd had in mind.
I say to every man I’m in a relationship with: the only man who has ever told me what to do and make me is my Dad and that’s the only man that could make me do something 🤣
Oh that's funny. I thought that was a possibility. I even did a really quick Google search, but apparently it failed. Lesson learned. 🙂. Thanks Brenda.
That’s a great shout. He’s basically telling you what he feels was wrong in his previous ‘failed’ dates right. It’s the equivalent to ranting about an ex on the first date… but even earlier lol.
The first sentence reads like “I enjoy inhaling oxygen, and exhaling carbon dioxide. WE must enjoy this together!” Yes, random-man-online, we all want attention, affection, and respect in a relationship, but singling out those three in particular is already a red flag. Women have mentioned the problems with “attention”. “Affection” is of course about sex (again, I like to breathe air). And yeah, respect, we know what that means. Unquestioned loyalty, bla bla.
Seeing 10 dudes at once? As if there’s that many ever! LOL But yes, disciplinary/directive. Bad. Run.
Agreed with everything you stated! To be fair, I have dated up to 12 men at once (in the early stages). But this was pre-Burned Haystack for me! Now I get to know one or two at a time, because like you said, there aren’t 12 needles out there finding most of us at the same time 😅
It’s so much work!!! And same here, I just require the freedom to THEORETICALLY date ten men 😄
The time when I got up to twelve was post-divorce, and I was barely 30. I had been married for a decade and never done online dating before in my life. It was like letting a feral cat into a china shop. I also had NO concept of how to filter for my safety and well-being. Thank Goddess for Burned Haystack!
The worst day was when I had booked THREE dates in one day. I didn’t enjoy any of the dates, because I was worried about being on time/in the right headspace for the next one. One tried to kiss me, and I felt like, “Wow, is this how men are with us? Just juggling us all day and not feeling unethical about it?” It did not feel right for me 😂
It’s hard to get to know that many people at once. I have a fairly good memory, and I’d literally forget facts about people. My brain couldn’t analyze everyone properly, so it was also confusing.
I will say, it did make certain men stand out against others, and I was barely able to over-focus on any one man, which was kind of good—but at what cost?? LOL.
That was a fun time, though! Nice to look back on it from “retirement” 😆
I had a similar experience. One night 3 of the guys I was dating showed up to my work (I was a cocktail waitress) because we were having a special event. One guy was planned - he was my date. But the other 2? Oh no…haha I got SO drunk that night 😂😂 Probably not the best way to handle it! But nobody seemed to catch on, and we all kept dating until I cleared the roster for one person. I wish I knew BHDM back then!
Oh my gosh, that’s harrowing! 😂 I’m glad you got away with it 😜 The good old days of the roster! And I totally agree, I wish those versions of us had BHDM. And I wish so many women I love did too.
It is hard to date/physically see 12 people at the same time. If one goes on 5 dates a week (which is SO many 😝) (plus texting and phone calls 😮) it is like a part time job and it would take 3 weeks to cycle back for a second date with someone, by which time one party may have lost interest. Like a pipeline. As you say, quality over quantity.
"During our partnership" is also directive. While I'm not a fan of "see where it goes" either (usually surrounded by other no-effort language), to assume a future partnership is a too much. The purpose of a first date is to see if you want a second date. The purpose of dating is to see if you want to partner with them. He's jumping the queue. (See also, 10 other dudes.)
Instead of being introspective and figuring out why his relationships don't work and ways he might improve/grow, he's demanding that we- other people do his work. I see men avoiding the discomfort of emotional growth. It leaves these men immature and prone to tantrums.
“Settle for me“ definitely stands out but so does “give me attention”. 2 of my most toxic relationships were men who needed mommy love and used psychological manipulation of my empathy to control my attention and time. Great example to dissect.
Any guy who mentions they need/expect respect is automatic B2B for me. Not just because it’s directive, but it was a common complaint I heard in my 33 yr toxic marriage. My ex even complained about not getting enough respect in marriage counseling (while he was being emotionally abusive).
Side note: I had always heard that going to marriage counseling with emotionally abusive partners can make things worse. In my case it did because this counselor did not catch on, and my ex felt empowered to become even more abusive using things I said against me. Thank goodness I had my own therapist, because I ended the joint sessions and made a plan to get out which I did a few months later. That was 3 yrs ago.
Totally agree with your 'side note'. Same thing happened to me. All along I wondered how the counselor wasn't seeing through my (now ex's) bullshit. It was so blatant. I even shared how he physically threatened me, and the counselor (a man) didn't blink. We got divorced almost immediately after a few weeks of wasting our time with that moron. Thankfully.
Definitely re the potential to make things worse. I heard a comedian (wish I could remember the name!) refer to this phenomenon as "too much therapy" - they gave the example, "I tore your heart out, and I ate it in front of you, but I did it because I wanted to and I feel fine about it." But I think the better example is the way it can supercharge a cruel person's techniques for exploiting someone else's willingness to give them the benefit of the doubt ... without ever extending the same grace.
Unfortunately way too many therapists aren't trained in spotting and identifying abuse if abusers aren't engaging in the typical examples of abuse. You would think it's not the case but sadly, it isn't uncommon. And couples therapy is 100% contraindicated for any type of abusive relationship for the reasons you listed. Glad you had your own therapist! And many therapists wind up in abusive relationships themselves! Helper personalities can also get sucked in by abusers. I'm so glad more therapists are becoming familiar with these methods.
I am entitled to your “attention, affection and respect,” having done nothing yet to inspire or earn it. Also, I’ll shame you into this unearned devotion by using slut-shaming language: “see 10 dudes at once.”
Back when I still bothered dating men (a decade plus ago,) several men I had not even met yet asked how many men I was talking to on the app. Now, I'd ask them how many men/women they were talking to. Then, I'd say "4," or whatever it was. Then, "That's what dating is! Talking isn't a guarantee of a meetup, nor a date, nor a relationship., and definitely not sex!" Majority of them then called me slut shaming names, and I did answer "That's irrational. Just like with you, I haven't met these guys. Now, I'm not meeting you at all. Bye."
Unfortunately, there are a lot of broken women who do not know their worth out there. I was once one of them. This guy isn’t caring about finding a “needle” or a quality match. He is just trying to find a warm hole to take advantage of.
“Give each other attention, affection, respect…” my last partner used this rhetoric to justify his s-xual abuse. “I feel lonely and just want to connect with you, and I feel connected [this] way. You need to respect my needs!” So, yikes to hearing this before we even chat!
I’m sorry to hear you were subjected to this, but also so happy to see you obviously seeing it for what it was and spotting the warning signs now. You’re a strong lady.xxx
So nice of him to make sure we are completely aware that choosing him would be settling 🤦♀️
I was about to post the same. Let me see “date 10 dudes” or “settle” for a control freak? Finding that unmatch button cannot come fast enough.
That did amuse me. He was so oblivious to his own diss of himself.
yes, that is an amazing opening move.
I stg! 😂
Hi there. What does "stg" mean? Abbreviations aren't always intuitive for me 🫣
Hey, ISTG = I swear to God!
Thank you :)
I’ve seen that feature used when someone wanted to explain their sobriety and comfort level with others consuming around them, which I thought was helpful. This one is also helpful, although in a completely different way 🤣
I have used it for the exact same thing - I think that’s acceptable because it’s about recovery and health. It’s my own boundaries, I’m saying I am not comfortable being around binge drinkers now, not that they can’t enjoy a drink themselves.
Have you found that they are good at acknowledging themselves as a binge drinker?
I know in the past my friends and I saw ourselves as fun and didn't realise we were actually binge drinking until we became parents.
Honestly it’s not been an issue - anyone with those tendencies at all is put off by the prompt I guess and we don’t chat? My experince has been mostly positive - either sharing their own journey or just a general acknowledgement of ‘great you’re prioritising your health’. Granted I’ve not been on the apps for a while now. Didn’t find a needle, just got sick of looking haha.
Seeing different people at once by trying to determine who best aligns with us (with the intention of “settling” with one person) is the definition of dating! It doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily romantically involved with any of them!
The level of audacity of this man to try and control someone this way by saying that she should only be seeing one person at a time is crazy!
This! The sense of entitlement it takes for a man to demand this of a prospective date before even having proven his value - which, obviously, isn’t there to begin with - is astounding!
Agreed. This implied shaming of perfectly normal, healthy dating behavior is one of the worst things about this message.
Totally agree with you both. When you start asking men to define ‘dating’ vs ‘relationship’ it gets REAL interesting.
They don’t seem to know the difference, it’s one and the same to them. They want control either way.
I always ask certain dealbreaker or boundary-setting questions very early in dating — but that’s not one of them. Great idea!
So I started asking it because I got sick of all the avoidant men who ‘don’t want a relationship but want someone to share things with, go on dates, sleep together, cuddle, cosy nights in , be friends with etc’. Coz that sounds to me exactly like a relationship!? But as they don’t want to ‘label’ it, they get to bail or not show up when they’re needed without any accountability. They want the boyfriend experience without putting in boyfriend effort. But I’ve learnt through BHSM that it’s a really good way also to spot the men who just want a mummy replacement and domestic slave.
Years ago, I read a book penned by a man for women that ripped the veil off all my suspicions about how men date. It didn’t just change my game, it rewired it. I say “try” because with my BS radar on full alert, dating like a “normal” person feels like chasing smoke.
Recently, I just randomly I found BHDM….Finding other like-minded women in the group has been AWESOME. It confirms I’m not crazy for calling out the crap men throw at us and expecting better.
Hi Kari if you remember the name of the book I’d love to read it!
Yeah. They want a girlfriend PERFORMANCE with no obligation for reciprocity. Not an authentic woman who has inconvenient needs, flaws, requirements and wants. But who will be there for them and THEIR needs, flaws, requirements and wants regardless. (And never, ever say no to sex)
They can’t. Men literally do not know what a relationship is. I don’t want a traditional relationship. I’m upfront and open about it. I’ve thought lot about, and very clearly and concisely nailed down what the relationship I want looks like in practical and specific terms. I often connect with men who also don’t want a relationship. But they have no idea what they DO want. They either deflect ‘let’s see where it goes’. (Nope. I’m not interested in doing your thinking for you, or being your guinea pig while you play with ideas. I KNOW where I’m going. Are you coming or not? ‘For the right person’ nuh uh. I’m not letting you road test me to see how much I will give and how little I will tolerate in return before you decide what that sweet spot is. Again, I know what I want. I’m not wasting time on someone who decides that based on my worth to them. Or ‘I don’t want to put a label on it’. This either means ‘I don’t know and can’t be arsed to think about it’ or ‘I’m deliberately not going to be specific so that I can pretend anything I want is permitted by and expected from you and anything I don’t is also ok because I never promised you anything’ Fuck that!)
I digress. Sometimes they give wishy washy meaningless twaddle ‘something real’ (WTAF? Are you meeting imaginary women? How do you know if I’m real then?!) cosy nights in (sex. Yes, yes. Down boy. That can be assumed. And?!!) Fun dates (yes. And then?) ‘a best mate I fancy the pants off’ um, no. Relationships are different from friendships and that difference is NOT sex.
So these are men who are at least not pretending that they want a relationship. But don’t know, and don’t care to spend even a modicum of time and effort figuring out what they DO want. They also don’t know what they DON’T want about a relationship (I’ve got this covered, too)
The definition is usually ‘like my ex, but without the fuss she made when I didn’t bother reciprocating or fulfilling any of the unspoken obligations she went over and above and I didn’t really notice. And with more appreciation and credit for the barest of minimum effort I did put in, but that will be a bit less for you, because I don’t want to be obligated to give support or make effort if I don’t feel like it, and I’m telling you that straight, so it’s ok, I’m still a nice guy. And with more sex’
Absolutely agreed.
I have had times where I’m dating as many as 12 people (in the very early stages), and nowadays I like to get to know one or two people at once.
Consistently, no matter what, no matter which way I’m dating, men that even dare mention, no matter how subtly, the number of men I might be talking to turn out to be highly insecure men who know they’re not good enough to compete with other/better men for my attention. They KNOW they are lacking something, and a sense of entitlement comes out of them, because they have been given feedback that they're not good enough to be in relationship with (because they're not).
It’s ALWAYS a no-exceptions red flag for me! B2B 🔥
I even B2B’d a male friend (totally platonic) who mentioned he doesn’t like when women date many men at once. He is insecure, by the way. Insecure people (especially men) are terrible to both date and befriend, I’ve learned with lots of life experience.
Nailed it!!! 💯
Absolutely!
I tell them upfront. I don’t need exclusivity.
The shock when they discover I MEANT ME is hilarious. They almost always arrogantly assume without even thinking about it that I will be after a certain point (often ludicrously early), I’m just telling them it’s ok to fuck around (which they all are anyway, they just don’t say so and then they can pretend that they didn’t promise exclusivity. When they are confronted with it in real life (I’m not babying their fragile masculinity) they pout and sulk and whine. And get blocked. Dude, you got feelings about this? They are YOURS. Figure them out, ascertain the cause, decide your boundaries and use your big boy words to tell me what you need.
I’m totally open to exclusivity. All a guy has to do is 1) openly declare his intention to be exclusive to me. And 2) ASK ME. Openly, politely, maturely and rationally. Not just assume I am, and decide for both of us when he (and in his head therefore WE, since it hasn’t occurred to him I am not, and don’t intend to be, or may decide to on a different and equally valid timeline) will be.
Not one ever has.
Men have time to waste, women don't (if they want children, which is each woman's choice to make). I think he knows this and is banking on sunk cost fallacy!
Agreed 😃
It’s got a slut shaming/ you’re a hoe bc you’re dating to find your person vibe to it as well. Along with disciplinary directive and conditional crap. Scary stuff
Definitely frightening!
OMG I had this happen for the first time last week. The ‘pop up’ said ‘be curious not judgemental’ I felt like I was being told what to do!
Because you WERE being told what to do. Disciplinary/directive rhetorical pattern, which is one of the most toxic. B2B. 🔥
Don’t worry i immediately B2B - I’m learning (from you) 😊
I have a deeply visceral reaction to any hint of someone trying to limit my autonomy. This sort of comment is only ever guaranteed to make me go 100mph in the opposite direction to what they want, just because f*ck you 😆
When I was a young woman, married with a child, in marital therapy with my husband, I found out he had been secreting away money (we were pretty broke) and going to strip clubs with his work friends for years. Lying for years. I was pretty naive, and also curious, jealous and insecure. I didn’t understand really. One day I went in there. In order to have me not pay, the doorman gave me an application. While I sat at the bar not filling it out, just looking around and trying to figure out the dynamic, the manager offered me a job. When I objected he said, you should do it, you look great.
I wasn’t going to go. But when I went home and told my husband what happened he forbade me to go. So I had to. I was a stripper for one year. I moved on once I understood the vibe. We were divorced by the end.
Looking back I am glad he said I couldn’t go.
Today I am free. I live on a boat with my little dog. I do what I want and go where I want. I am thankful to have this tool to help me see. In my dotage I am not dealing with this toxic bs anymore. I just want to hike and sail and breathe under the trees. Maybe go the museum sometimes 🙏🏽
I had a man similar to this. Tried to "lay down the law" about me taking dance classes that men also took. So I quit swing dance and signed up for belly dancing and pole dancing instead.
Apparently that result was not really what he'd had in mind.
Yea nobody tells me what to do! I’m my own person and if you can’t accept that - this isn’t going to work.
I say to every man I’m in a relationship with: the only man who has ever told me what to do and make me is my Dad and that’s the only man that could make me do something 🤣
💯💯💯
LOL. Absolutely!
Be curious, not judgemental is a Walt Whitman quote, used in the TV show Ted Lasso in a positive way. Still weird/directive on a dating app...
Not a real Whitman quote, just fyi. It just played one on tv. 😁
Oh that's funny. I thought that was a possibility. I even did a really quick Google search, but apparently it failed. Lesson learned. 🙂. Thanks Brenda.
I was thinking that if he thought he was showing how deep and creative he was by quoting Whitman, he outed himself as a fake! 😂
You’re right, I realised that after and probably came from a good place, albeit clumsy. When it flashed up on the dating site, I was taken aback.
Also have you noticed on Bumble, more and more men are setting ‘prompt questions’ rather than replying to a prompt you’ve set?
I see a man who has already thought of reasons to break up with me, before we even met.
That’s a great shout. He’s basically telling you what he feels was wrong in his previous ‘failed’ dates right. It’s the equivalent to ranting about an ex on the first date… but even earlier lol.
💯💯💯
The first sentence reads like “I enjoy inhaling oxygen, and exhaling carbon dioxide. WE must enjoy this together!” Yes, random-man-online, we all want attention, affection, and respect in a relationship, but singling out those three in particular is already a red flag. Women have mentioned the problems with “attention”. “Affection” is of course about sex (again, I like to breathe air). And yeah, respect, we know what that means. Unquestioned loyalty, bla bla.
Seeing 10 dudes at once? As if there’s that many ever! LOL But yes, disciplinary/directive. Bad. Run.
Agreed with everything you stated! To be fair, I have dated up to 12 men at once (in the early stages). But this was pre-Burned Haystack for me! Now I get to know one or two at a time, because like you said, there aren’t 12 needles out there finding most of us at the same time 😅
The most I’ve juggled was 5, it’s A LOT of work 😂 I was also in my 20’s (44 now)
I did state in my comment above that I’m going to date as many men as I like but let’s be real- it’s definitely NOT 10! Haha
But good for you with 12!!! Brava!!
It’s so much work!!! And same here, I just require the freedom to THEORETICALLY date ten men 😄
The time when I got up to twelve was post-divorce, and I was barely 30. I had been married for a decade and never done online dating before in my life. It was like letting a feral cat into a china shop. I also had NO concept of how to filter for my safety and well-being. Thank Goddess for Burned Haystack!
The worst day was when I had booked THREE dates in one day. I didn’t enjoy any of the dates, because I was worried about being on time/in the right headspace for the next one. One tried to kiss me, and I felt like, “Wow, is this how men are with us? Just juggling us all day and not feeling unethical about it?” It did not feel right for me 😂
It’s hard to get to know that many people at once. I have a fairly good memory, and I’d literally forget facts about people. My brain couldn’t analyze everyone properly, so it was also confusing.
I will say, it did make certain men stand out against others, and I was barely able to over-focus on any one man, which was kind of good—but at what cost?? LOL.
That was a fun time, though! Nice to look back on it from “retirement” 😆
Hahaha
I had a similar experience. One night 3 of the guys I was dating showed up to my work (I was a cocktail waitress) because we were having a special event. One guy was planned - he was my date. But the other 2? Oh no…haha I got SO drunk that night 😂😂 Probably not the best way to handle it! But nobody seemed to catch on, and we all kept dating until I cleared the roster for one person. I wish I knew BHDM back then!
Oh my gosh, that’s harrowing! 😂 I’m glad you got away with it 😜 The good old days of the roster! And I totally agree, I wish those versions of us had BHDM. And I wish so many women I love did too.
I know! I spread the word about BHDM because it’s been life changing for me. But nobody listens/follows it closely enough to make it work! 💔
It is hard to date/physically see 12 people at the same time. If one goes on 5 dates a week (which is SO many 😝) (plus texting and phone calls 😮) it is like a part time job and it would take 3 weeks to cycle back for a second date with someone, by which time one party may have lost interest. Like a pipeline. As you say, quality over quantity.
"During our partnership" is also directive. While I'm not a fan of "see where it goes" either (usually surrounded by other no-effort language), to assume a future partnership is a too much. The purpose of a first date is to see if you want a second date. The purpose of dating is to see if you want to partner with them. He's jumping the queue. (See also, 10 other dudes.)
Great catch! That stood out to me too. Sceams insecure.
Instead of being introspective and figuring out why his relationships don't work and ways he might improve/grow, he's demanding that we- other people do his work. I see men avoiding the discomfort of emotional growth. It leaves these men immature and prone to tantrums.
“Settle for me“ definitely stands out but so does “give me attention”. 2 of my most toxic relationships were men who needed mommy love and used psychological manipulation of my empathy to control my attention and time. Great example to dissect.
Sex. He means sex. But only sex with him. Sex with him = good. Sex with anyone else = immoral.
Any guy who mentions they need/expect respect is automatic B2B for me. Not just because it’s directive, but it was a common complaint I heard in my 33 yr toxic marriage. My ex even complained about not getting enough respect in marriage counseling (while he was being emotionally abusive).
Side note: I had always heard that going to marriage counseling with emotionally abusive partners can make things worse. In my case it did because this counselor did not catch on, and my ex felt empowered to become even more abusive using things I said against me. Thank goodness I had my own therapist, because I ended the joint sessions and made a plan to get out which I did a few months later. That was 3 yrs ago.
Totally agree with your 'side note'. Same thing happened to me. All along I wondered how the counselor wasn't seeing through my (now ex's) bullshit. It was so blatant. I even shared how he physically threatened me, and the counselor (a man) didn't blink. We got divorced almost immediately after a few weeks of wasting our time with that moron. Thankfully.
Definitely re the potential to make things worse. I heard a comedian (wish I could remember the name!) refer to this phenomenon as "too much therapy" - they gave the example, "I tore your heart out, and I ate it in front of you, but I did it because I wanted to and I feel fine about it." But I think the better example is the way it can supercharge a cruel person's techniques for exploiting someone else's willingness to give them the benefit of the doubt ... without ever extending the same grace.
What a great description, “supercharging” their techniques. That’s exactly it.
Unfortunately way too many therapists aren't trained in spotting and identifying abuse if abusers aren't engaging in the typical examples of abuse. You would think it's not the case but sadly, it isn't uncommon. And couples therapy is 100% contraindicated for any type of abusive relationship for the reasons you listed. Glad you had your own therapist! And many therapists wind up in abusive relationships themselves! Helper personalities can also get sucked in by abusers. I'm so glad more therapists are becoming familiar with these methods.
I am entitled to your “attention, affection and respect,” having done nothing yet to inspire or earn it. Also, I’ll shame you into this unearned devotion by using slut-shaming language: “see 10 dudes at once.”
Back when I still bothered dating men (a decade plus ago,) several men I had not even met yet asked how many men I was talking to on the app. Now, I'd ask them how many men/women they were talking to. Then, I'd say "4," or whatever it was. Then, "That's what dating is! Talking isn't a guarantee of a meetup, nor a date, nor a relationship., and definitely not sex!" Majority of them then called me slut shaming names, and I did answer "That's irrational. Just like with you, I haven't met these guys. Now, I'm not meeting you at all. Bye."
They have to cut out the competition. Why are their egos so fragile?
The point of dating is to meet people and see who you may be compatible with.
He wants us to settle for him and not date ten dudes at once, but you better believe he’s not “settling” for us and seeing twenty women.
I doubt he can get multiple women, and with this message he'll be lucky to scrape together 1 or 2.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of broken women who do not know their worth out there. I was once one of them. This guy isn’t caring about finding a “needle” or a quality match. He is just trying to find a warm hole to take advantage of.
💯
💯
“Give each other attention, affection, respect…” my last partner used this rhetoric to justify his s-xual abuse. “I feel lonely and just want to connect with you, and I feel connected [this] way. You need to respect my needs!” So, yikes to hearing this before we even chat!
I’m sorry to hear you were subjected to this, but also so happy to see you obviously seeing it for what it was and spotting the warning signs now. You’re a strong lady.xxx
Thank you, Lou. 🩷
“Settle for me” because I’m a POS with no life, so I’ll completely control yours 🖕