Why Grammar Matters on the Dating Apps

Let’s settle this.

Disclaimer: We are NOT talking about people who speak other dialects of English (such as AAVE, which is more grammatically complex and sophisticated than standard white English but which people frequently misread as “bad grammar”) or people for whom English is a second language. Deviations from standard English in these cases are not considered by linguists to be “errors” or mistakes; they are simply variants that reflect a different system of grammar. Okay, now that we got that out of the way . . .

Let’s do an analogy:

I’m really bad at math. Really bad. Real problem for me in school. I can’t do basic math in my head. When I go to a restaurant, it takes me a while to figure out the tip. I have to get my calculator out, and because I’m neurotic I do it three times to double check, even then.

Imagine I were to walk into a restaurant and say, “I want to go out and have fun, and I want yummy food, and I want someone to bring it to me, but I’m really bad at math, so I can’t figure out the tip. I’ll just leave a quarter.”

If I were to behave like that, I would be violating the discourse norms of that community.

Side note about discourse communities: Discourse is another word for conversation and interaction, the way people talk to and communicate with each other and the expectations for behavior to which groups have tacitly agreed. Different discourse communities are governed by different discourse norms. For example, the discourse norms of a group of college soccer players in a locker room are different than the discourse norms of an ethics board of a research hospital.

Let’s go back to the discourse community of eating in a restaurant: In America, we know that the server performing that kind of labor is being paid a low wage because their compensation is predicated upon the existence of 15-20% tips, so if I opt out of that, I’m violating the discourse norms in a way that’s really disrespectful of the server. I’m the one who’s bad at math, so I understand that if I want to participate in the discourse community of a restaurant, then it’s on me to do a little more work, to take a little more time to figure out how to participate in a way that’s equitable and fair and kind and considerate of other humans in the discourse community.

Now let’s apply this to dating apps: The apps are, by definition, a form of written communication. Therefore, by entering into that discourse community, you’re tacitly agreeing to communicate in a way that accounts for other members of the community.

If you’re really bad at grammar or spelling, it might take a little more time. However, the apps are set up for that. If you text something and the whole thing is underlined with red, just take the few extra seconds to correct it. You don’t even have to do it yourself—it’ll give you suggestions and you can just click.

We’re not asking people to navigate the nuances of future perfect progressive verb tense here; we’re asking people to take the time to pick the correct form of “you’re.” We’re asking full-grown adults to stop typing “4 u.” We’re looking for people who have a level of self-awareness and consideration for other human beings. If they can’t be bothered with that, they’re probably not going to be good partners anyway.

This is a rhetorical clue, not a moral judgment. But even if it IS judgmental, what do you think is going on on the dating apps? The whole enterprise is about judgment—that’s literally the definition of the selection process.

If this entire argument infuriates you, then that is also important information to know, and here’s why: Maybe you simply don’t care. And that’s fine! If two people match up and agree that they could not care less about written communication and think it’s stupid that anyone would, then this actually sounds like a good match.

Again, attention to grammar or lack thereof is a preference in the same way that liking dark hair or short people or nerdy people or athletic people is a preference, and that too is a good thing. You just need to know and respect yours.

And if one of yours is excellent grammar (true for me, obvi), then I wrote this article to make you feel better 😊.