I think men of certain professions—physicians and attorneys for sure—but also finance executives, tech bros, CEOs of [whatever] get a disproportionate amount of attention from women on dating apps.
These men vastly over-rate their appeal. I call it "golden penis" syndrome. They think that they are so, so attractive, that any woman would love to show up to ride his golden penis. It's gross and presumptive behavior that evidences a lack of value for others' time and priorities.
I have been dating a potential needle for 2 months who is a small town atty. We are in our 60s and he is winding down his practice and only works part time now. He also drives a school bus in the mornings to get out of the house. He liked my strong woman profile on a dating app and reached out to me. When we were initially talking He told me he was a part time school bus driver and also owned some properties he rented out for income. He didn't tell me he was also an atty until we met in person. He said he did that because he wanted to be liked for who he is and not for his career that is winding down. So far things have been great.
Jennie, curious how you feel about someone hiding their profession. I feel it’s an important part of someone’s life as they are spending 40 ish hours a week on it. For instance, I work in analytics. If someone asks me, I won’t hide, but won’t reveal details like years of experience etc, but a generic idea that my day is filled with data that I am analyzing. Someone can always make assumptions about different things in your life, like a previous divorce. But I won’t like it if someone lied about it, but I am interested in your take on this.
I almost never mention being an attorney to anyone right away, not just dates. People make a whole range of different assumptions about lawyers! I’m glad you found a good one.
I am a physician and I hide my profession for the exact same reason. I really don’t want to be pursued by anyone because of my occupation. I was until i hid it. I’m an interesting person without that tidbit.
To avoid being secretive I intentionally don’t ask about their career. But if they ask, I say I don’t talk about career until we have met in person.
I had the worst experience with a doctor. We had set up a date and I arrived perfectly on time. The place was closed bc we were having a storm and I messaged him to suggest somewhere else I knew was open. He said he was still at work, and suggested we try another night bc of the weather. I declined, because had the bar not been closed, I’d have been left waiting when he knew he either wasn’t going to make it or at minimum be on time. I got a text wall back lecturing me about how he’s not on his phone at work, patient care comes first, etc etc. I hadn’t messaged this man for three days until telling him the bar was closed! And he responded immediately! I realized this would be my life - waiting for him while he condescended to me about how important his time is because he’s a ✨doctor✨.
His text should have read “OH MY GOD, I am so so sorry! I got terribly tied up with a very sick patient at work and lost all track of time, not an excuse but just the truth. I do want to meet you and do really value your time…please can I make it up to you?”
This would be the BARE MINIMUM for consideration only.
What a tool. I’m a nurse and so can see how that would happen but his response SUCKED! (Also I wouldn’t date a doctor for this exact reason!)
I’m a recently barred lawyer, so I just went through school with the freshest crop of male attorneys. Some of them are decent, but it’s a group that tends to swing really type A. In a nice man this just means he’s a little neurotic. In a mean man it means he’s a controlling psychopath.
I totally agree with Jennie that you shouldn’t disregard your internal alarm system just because a man has a fancy job.
My dad is 82 now but was a physics lecturer for 42 years, part time farmer and helped to found a plc. He's on the neurotic scale (although perhaps more than a little). My mum was a bank clerk who gave up work to be a home maker but she regularly takes him to task on his nonsense and checks unreasonable demands! 46 years married so it worked...
I had a very similar experience this past spring with a guy I met in real life. He kept texting me where he would be and at what time, but also giving me no lead time (“I’m going to the gym and then I will be at this bar for precisely one hour and having one drink.”). I’m a single mom, so I was like, hmm. What does he think I will do, leave my child? Or arrange for a babysitter in the “hopes” that I’ll get a solid hour with him (wow! Lucky me)? I never went and eventually blocked him.
He’s neither an attorney nor doctor; he’s a self-proclaimed media mogul who lives rent-free with his widowed mother and does swing dancing, trying to get discovered for it.
Totally! I’ve never done it, but not knocking people who do. It just is wild and hilarious that this barely employed guy was dictating to me where and how I could find him. Pass!
One of the “ doctors” who contacted me years ago was the dirty John scammer/ psychopath from Newport Beach. I warned other women in a secret Facebook group because I was able to intuit he was very suspect , but they told me I was being too skeptical and that he seemed a great catch ,
I have to tell someone this, although this comment doesn't fit with this post but the relief I feel is something I need to share.
I used rhetorical analysis in an area facebook singles group. It was a post where it talked about the behaviors of a "safe man."
I commented that a good man is one who see what needs doing around the house and does it without being asked or requiring a list.
Two men posted saying that "That has to be earned" and then stated that "A good woman does her man without being asked."
Normally, I would just roll my eyes as a bad joke. But I realized that what this was saying was "I am going to be an *sshole unless you behave the way I want you to behave."
I thanked both of the men for outing themselves as *ssholes on a public singles group. It is going to save a lot of women time.
When I was 40 I paid about $3500 to join Great Expectations dating service. Way before online dating. I met wonderful men, mostly Doctors. But I wasn’t upfront enough to state that I was looking for something serious. (I wanted one last chance to marry and have a family).) Those Drs did go on to marry. They were monogamous and shared their vulnerabilities early on. I wasn’t very open. Then I read “The Rules”. It coached me to state my intentions right up front. I no longer was looking for a Dr as an intellectual equal or a financial provider. I met a fellow MBA professional at a training class. Told him my “rules” and he accepted them on the first date. I married him and had 25 wonderful years with him. So, my Dr experiences were all good. Most were geeks as a kid and genuinely wanted a real and honest up front relationship.
Im a physician myself and majority of my male colleagues and friends are wonderful doctors (better than average men in real life) so that why almost all of them were married before 30. My experience in dating single docs in their 30s & 40s been similar to yours (eventhough we are both doctors but somehow they are still the prize?!) and I guess thats why they are single!
In my unfortunate brush with the medical profession I will observe that quite a few have a God complex. The one whose handle is Rx literally offered a prescription. Gag.
When I first started dating post-divorce, an anesthesiologist was pushing me to accept a date on his quick-turn timeline. While insisting he was a busy man and didn’t have a lot of time to mess around.
I said I couldn’t do that particular week because I was preparing for an interview with a major public figure who hadn’t done a media interview in more than a decade. (I was a newspaper editor at the time.) But that I could do the following week.
He told me we didn’t have the same priorities when it came to dating and that he was moving on.
Amazing article! I know a lot of women are into the coffee dates but I’ve been saying forever that certain men are just lining up the women at the coffee shops like cattle, picking the one they would most like to f* or who would be the easiest. It’s the cheapest way to do it, and so women are basically now financing these men’s womanizing, believing they are doing themselves a favour. The reason I know this is because I have a guy friend age 50 divorced, finance bro, who is a player and he said that himself and all his buddies do that. They line up coffee dates during the week and just go for the easiest one that is the most attractive. And they pursue until they have sex (sometimes a few weeks of sex) and then slowly fade away or ghost as they focus on the next one. They usually are having sex with multiples. Believe me this is happening more than you realize!!
A doctor or a lawyer who is half decent looking will have a constant stream of women. As Chris Rock said - a man is only as faithful as his options. These men have a lot of options, so you simply cannot be naive going into it.
It is definitely happening more than we realize! I don't love coffee dates because I've always felt they were minimal effort, but this makes me think of a coffee date I went on before where the guy was already sitting there with a drink when I got there, and didn't make any move to get up to offer me a coffee. The line appeared to be long as well, so he had to have gotten there much earlier than the time we set for the date (I arrived on time), either that or he didn't care to ask me what I'd like so I wouldn't have to wait in the long line. At the time I thought it odd, like if you're have a coffee shop meetup with anyone, wouldn't you wait until they got there to order, and on a date wouldn't he at least offer to buy me a $3 coffee? Now I'm thinking he must have been sitting there with several dates lined up back-to-back. It's also a stupidly cheap way for these dudes to "date," not even buying the woman who deign to meet up with them a single coffee.
Absolutely that is what that man was doing! I know a few men (friends) who are serious about a long term partner and they say they take their time to get to know someone first (vetting) so that by the time it comes to a date, they are more willing to invest. Usually these men offer to take the woman out to dinner. And it usually ends up being a long term relationship for them. They are not there to play around
They said they wouldn’t ever just meet someone random for coffee as they said they need to make sure they aren’t crazy first. And that men who just meet anyone are just there to find the hottest girl (no matter if they are crazy)
This is why I started declining walk, coffee, or drink dates. There is a certain type of man who chooses this kind of date, and it was easier to avoid that type altogether by declining. If they can't muster up enough energy/enthusiasm/effort/interest to go on an actual date, that's fine but I will pass. Too many players, cheaters, men churning through women, and other types that I can't bother with.
Right, I completely understand that it is way too expensive to take every girl on a date and see if there is potential. But, you solve that problem by getting to know them first and vetting them in other ways. First a little bit of messaging back-and-forth, then maybe a phone call, then a video call. If everything is progressively consistent you could move to a date. But that’s a mentality only for men looking for a quality long term monogamous relationship.
I agree on the pilots. I refuse to date pilots, law enforcement, or any profession that doesn't require a college degree, unless he owns the business. Not surprisingly, I'm single 12 years after my divorce. And I don't care!
I'm totally neutral on degree status. I know a lot of brilliant men without college degrees and work with several Ph. D's who can't figure their way out of a paper bag. I've actually never filtered for education level on a dating app.
I’ve found that the importance of degree status is geographic. In Silicon Valley, I knew plenty of smart, professional non-degreed men, including my now-ex, who is brilliant. Now I live in the Midwest, and have found that degree status is strongly correlated with intellectual curiosity. Being able to have meaningful conversations is super important to me. I didn’t screen for degree for a long time, but that just ended up with a lot of very boring dates with guys who worked loading trucks.
Some ph.D’s are absolutely insufferable including, sorry, professors. I met one who was a mansplainer , lacking an ability to to receive new information who then asked if it was a cello or a viola in my profile photo (pretty big difference). Mister know it all was such a very busy man that he couldn’t even use google image search.
I don't think that I would want some random dude putting my profile picture into a google image search. Maybe he would have appreciated your explanation.
I have found men who attempt college (or had the ability to go but opted out) to lack a certain amount of follow-through, so in fact, that is one of my filters.
These men vastly over-rate their appeal. I call it "golden penis" syndrome. They think that they are so, so attractive, that any woman would love to show up to ride his golden penis. It's gross and presumptive behavior that evidences a lack of value for others' time and priorities.
Yes! GPS is real. I thought I was the only one using this term.
I have been dating a potential needle for 2 months who is a small town atty. We are in our 60s and he is winding down his practice and only works part time now. He also drives a school bus in the mornings to get out of the house. He liked my strong woman profile on a dating app and reached out to me. When we were initially talking He told me he was a part time school bus driver and also owned some properties he rented out for income. He didn't tell me he was also an atty until we met in person. He said he did that because he wanted to be liked for who he is and not for his career that is winding down. So far things have been great.
Love this! He sounds wonderful, good for you! ❤️
Jennie, curious how you feel about someone hiding their profession. I feel it’s an important part of someone’s life as they are spending 40 ish hours a week on it. For instance, I work in analytics. If someone asks me, I won’t hide, but won’t reveal details like years of experience etc, but a generic idea that my day is filled with data that I am analyzing. Someone can always make assumptions about different things in your life, like a previous divorce. But I won’t like it if someone lied about it, but I am interested in your take on this.
I almost never mention being an attorney to anyone right away, not just dates. People make a whole range of different assumptions about lawyers! I’m glad you found a good one.
I am a physician and I hide my profession for the exact same reason. I really don’t want to be pursued by anyone because of my occupation. I was until i hid it. I’m an interesting person without that tidbit.
To avoid being secretive I intentionally don’t ask about their career. But if they ask, I say I don’t talk about career until we have met in person.
I had the worst experience with a doctor. We had set up a date and I arrived perfectly on time. The place was closed bc we were having a storm and I messaged him to suggest somewhere else I knew was open. He said he was still at work, and suggested we try another night bc of the weather. I declined, because had the bar not been closed, I’d have been left waiting when he knew he either wasn’t going to make it or at minimum be on time. I got a text wall back lecturing me about how he’s not on his phone at work, patient care comes first, etc etc. I hadn’t messaged this man for three days until telling him the bar was closed! And he responded immediately! I realized this would be my life - waiting for him while he condescended to me about how important his time is because he’s a ✨doctor✨.
Yup. Ugh.
His text should have read “OH MY GOD, I am so so sorry! I got terribly tied up with a very sick patient at work and lost all track of time, not an excuse but just the truth. I do want to meet you and do really value your time…please can I make it up to you?”
This would be the BARE MINIMUM for consideration only.
What a tool. I’m a nurse and so can see how that would happen but his response SUCKED! (Also I wouldn’t date a doctor for this exact reason!)
I’m a recently barred lawyer, so I just went through school with the freshest crop of male attorneys. Some of them are decent, but it’s a group that tends to swing really type A. In a nice man this just means he’s a little neurotic. In a mean man it means he’s a controlling psychopath.
I totally agree with Jennie that you shouldn’t disregard your internal alarm system just because a man has a fancy job.
I appreciate your breakdown here -- same thing with male academics, actually, the split you describe.
My dad is 82 now but was a physics lecturer for 42 years, part time farmer and helped to found a plc. He's on the neurotic scale (although perhaps more than a little). My mum was a bank clerk who gave up work to be a home maker but she regularly takes him to task on his nonsense and checks unreasonable demands! 46 years married so it worked...
I had a very similar experience this past spring with a guy I met in real life. He kept texting me where he would be and at what time, but also giving me no lead time (“I’m going to the gym and then I will be at this bar for precisely one hour and having one drink.”). I’m a single mom, so I was like, hmm. What does he think I will do, leave my child? Or arrange for a babysitter in the “hopes” that I’ll get a solid hour with him (wow! Lucky me)? I never went and eventually blocked him.
He’s neither an attorney nor doctor; he’s a self-proclaimed media mogul who lives rent-free with his widowed mother and does swing dancing, trying to get discovered for it.
😂 Solid plan.
"trying to get discovered" for swing dancing?!? AND living with his mother?! Lawddddd what a tragic case.
Hahahaha right?! Anddd he’s 40.
This is truly hilarious 😂. Has ANYone ever been "discovered" for swing dancing?!
He’s special and better than the OTHER recreational swing-dancers! 😂🫠
😂
Yikes. Bullet, dodged!
Btw no shade to swing dancing! It's fun! But this man wanting to be discovered for it as a 40yo living with his mom is WILD.
Totally! I’ve never done it, but not knocking people who do. It just is wild and hilarious that this barely employed guy was dictating to me where and how I could find him. Pass!
Yeah ugh I hate that smug attitude. Not doing that ever again. A-team..
Barf! 🤮😹
Right?? The NERVE.
He envisions women going, "Pick me, pick me!"
One of the “ doctors” who contacted me years ago was the dirty John scammer/ psychopath from Newport Beach. I warned other women in a secret Facebook group because I was able to intuit he was very suspect , but they told me I was being too skeptical and that he seemed a great catch ,
Wow! Talk about a dodged bullet
Robert Palmer video! 🤣 Great visual!
Only our Gen X sisters will get that one, lol.
I’m a boomer, but who’s counting?!
I have to tell someone this, although this comment doesn't fit with this post but the relief I feel is something I need to share.
I used rhetorical analysis in an area facebook singles group. It was a post where it talked about the behaviors of a "safe man."
I commented that a good man is one who see what needs doing around the house and does it without being asked or requiring a list.
Two men posted saying that "That has to be earned" and then stated that "A good woman does her man without being asked."
Normally, I would just roll my eyes as a bad joke. But I realized that what this was saying was "I am going to be an *sshole unless you behave the way I want you to behave."
I thanked both of the men for outing themselves as *ssholes on a public singles group. It is going to save a lot of women time.
I'm so grateful you teach this analysis.
When I was 40 I paid about $3500 to join Great Expectations dating service. Way before online dating. I met wonderful men, mostly Doctors. But I wasn’t upfront enough to state that I was looking for something serious. (I wanted one last chance to marry and have a family).) Those Drs did go on to marry. They were monogamous and shared their vulnerabilities early on. I wasn’t very open. Then I read “The Rules”. It coached me to state my intentions right up front. I no longer was looking for a Dr as an intellectual equal or a financial provider. I met a fellow MBA professional at a training class. Told him my “rules” and he accepted them on the first date. I married him and had 25 wonderful years with him. So, my Dr experiences were all good. Most were geeks as a kid and genuinely wanted a real and honest up front relationship.
Re: the doctor. Eww.
Im a physician myself and majority of my male colleagues and friends are wonderful doctors (better than average men in real life) so that why almost all of them were married before 30. My experience in dating single docs in their 30s & 40s been similar to yours (eventhough we are both doctors but somehow they are still the prize?!) and I guess thats why they are single!
In my unfortunate brush with the medical profession I will observe that quite a few have a God complex. The one whose handle is Rx literally offered a prescription. Gag.
When I first started dating post-divorce, an anesthesiologist was pushing me to accept a date on his quick-turn timeline. While insisting he was a busy man and didn’t have a lot of time to mess around.
I said I couldn’t do that particular week because I was preparing for an interview with a major public figure who hadn’t done a media interview in more than a decade. (I was a newspaper editor at the time.) But that I could do the following week.
He told me we didn’t have the same priorities when it came to dating and that he was moving on.
You mean, you didn’t prioritize his busy schedule over yours?! How could you!
That’s so crazy. You dodged a bullet!
Wow, because knocking people out is more important than a rare once in a lifetime opportunity for an interview?? Good Riddance, what a Dummy.
Amazing article! I know a lot of women are into the coffee dates but I’ve been saying forever that certain men are just lining up the women at the coffee shops like cattle, picking the one they would most like to f* or who would be the easiest. It’s the cheapest way to do it, and so women are basically now financing these men’s womanizing, believing they are doing themselves a favour. The reason I know this is because I have a guy friend age 50 divorced, finance bro, who is a player and he said that himself and all his buddies do that. They line up coffee dates during the week and just go for the easiest one that is the most attractive. And they pursue until they have sex (sometimes a few weeks of sex) and then slowly fade away or ghost as they focus on the next one. They usually are having sex with multiples. Believe me this is happening more than you realize!!
A doctor or a lawyer who is half decent looking will have a constant stream of women. As Chris Rock said - a man is only as faithful as his options. These men have a lot of options, so you simply cannot be naive going into it.
It is definitely happening more than we realize! I don't love coffee dates because I've always felt they were minimal effort, but this makes me think of a coffee date I went on before where the guy was already sitting there with a drink when I got there, and didn't make any move to get up to offer me a coffee. The line appeared to be long as well, so he had to have gotten there much earlier than the time we set for the date (I arrived on time), either that or he didn't care to ask me what I'd like so I wouldn't have to wait in the long line. At the time I thought it odd, like if you're have a coffee shop meetup with anyone, wouldn't you wait until they got there to order, and on a date wouldn't he at least offer to buy me a $3 coffee? Now I'm thinking he must have been sitting there with several dates lined up back-to-back. It's also a stupidly cheap way for these dudes to "date," not even buying the woman who deign to meet up with them a single coffee.
Absolutely that is what that man was doing! I know a few men (friends) who are serious about a long term partner and they say they take their time to get to know someone first (vetting) so that by the time it comes to a date, they are more willing to invest. Usually these men offer to take the woman out to dinner. And it usually ends up being a long term relationship for them. They are not there to play around
They said they wouldn’t ever just meet someone random for coffee as they said they need to make sure they aren’t crazy first. And that men who just meet anyone are just there to find the hottest girl (no matter if they are crazy)
It sounds like he deserves coffee-in-face :D
This is why I started declining walk, coffee, or drink dates. There is a certain type of man who chooses this kind of date, and it was easier to avoid that type altogether by declining. If they can't muster up enough energy/enthusiasm/effort/interest to go on an actual date, that's fine but I will pass. Too many players, cheaters, men churning through women, and other types that I can't bother with.
Right, I completely understand that it is way too expensive to take every girl on a date and see if there is potential. But, you solve that problem by getting to know them first and vetting them in other ways. First a little bit of messaging back-and-forth, then maybe a phone call, then a video call. If everything is progressively consistent you could move to a date. But that’s a mentality only for men looking for a quality long term monogamous relationship.
I think pilots may also belong on this list, unless you’re seeking intimacy in a nice hotel room with a guy who has to leave town! 🤣
P.S. Make them send you a car. 😉
I agree on the pilots. I refuse to date pilots, law enforcement, or any profession that doesn't require a college degree, unless he owns the business. Not surprisingly, I'm single 12 years after my divorce. And I don't care!
I'm totally neutral on degree status. I know a lot of brilliant men without college degrees and work with several Ph. D's who can't figure their way out of a paper bag. I've actually never filtered for education level on a dating app.
I’ve found that the importance of degree status is geographic. In Silicon Valley, I knew plenty of smart, professional non-degreed men, including my now-ex, who is brilliant. Now I live in the Midwest, and have found that degree status is strongly correlated with intellectual curiosity. Being able to have meaningful conversations is super important to me. I didn’t screen for degree for a long time, but that just ended up with a lot of very boring dates with guys who worked loading trucks.
Some ph.D’s are absolutely insufferable including, sorry, professors. I met one who was a mansplainer , lacking an ability to to receive new information who then asked if it was a cello or a viola in my profile photo (pretty big difference). Mister know it all was such a very busy man that he couldn’t even use google image search.
I don't think that I would want some random dude putting my profile picture into a google image search. Maybe he would have appreciated your explanation.
I have found men who attempt college (or had the ability to go but opted out) to lack a certain amount of follow-through, so in fact, that is one of my filters.
Very interesting perspective!!
On the other side of it, flight attendants have exactly the same attitude as pilots. Definitely on my be careful list.