This, this. THIS! I'm SO TEMPTED to send this to the dork I tried to explain BHDM to (see below) I'm not that good at letting things go. But, I will follow your wise example and restrain myself.
I had some snarky piece of hay ask me how BHDM was working for me. I said, "Perfectly! It's not a method to find a date, it's a method to focus my valuable, precious and delightful time and energy and spend it wisely."
And yes! The bar is not that high! I joke all the time that if men only knew how easy it was to inspire women to want to spend time/have sex with them we'd all be soooo much happier.
My corollary to BHDM is The Netflix Test. After a date I ask myself, "Would I rather spend more time with him or watch Netflix?"
Would you consider appropriate any of the above in "casual dating"? References to our appearance, for example (just general, not specific or creepy ones), or flirty comments?
I date casually and I'm non monogamous and I use this method all the time. It helps me weed out any men looking to use me as a human masturbation tool.
Exactly, it's quite sad. Nowadays, men aren't casually dating, they are casually bedding. They often get frustrated with me, which I find hilarious, because I don't allow minimal effort. Even if we're just "hanging out".
When it comes to people thinking your too picky or prudish, I have a story NOT dating related, but man related. I was able to SOOOO quickly change everyone’s thinking using a translate it to real life/could this be said another way example regarding a situation with my daughter.
She was on a stock ladder at work, and a man came up and touched her on her butt to get her attention. When she spun around to confront him she froze when she realized it was a stranger, and she ended up not saying anything. Her response to the interaction with me was “maybe I’m overreacting.” Other people also wondered if maybe she didn’t need to be THAT upset by it.
I said, “Let’s look at this in another light.” If a boy was standing on that ladder would that man have touched his butt to get his attention? And immediately everyone said no. So next question, “If it would have been inappropriate for him to touch a man AND HE KNOWS THAT based on what you said, why do we as women not have the RIGHT be upset by his inappropriate behavior?”
My daughter wasn’t being prudish! Her lack of confronting that man (which is a totally normal response, and I encouraged her to not beat herself up for that because she was also mad at herself) and her dismay that she might be overreacting is ingrained by societal norms.
I love that without even thinking about it, BHDM has made it possible for me articulate to others exactly why she has every right to be upset in such a way that they also exactly understand and get upset on her behalf. By changing one parameter of the situation, every single person without fail recognized that the man would have acted in a different manner. And all of the sudden it was glaringly obvious that he WILLFULLY CHOSE to touch a woman on her butt. And since he wouldn’t have done it to a man, he KNOWS it’s inappropriate. It was an absolute test and apologize—and the apology (although he wasn’t asked for it) would not have been sincere. These skills translate to every area of life, and I love it!
This is awesome to read. I am very curious about the last step: "I decided whom to connect with based upon words and behavior, not appearance or chemistry." So if a guy meets Burned Haystack criteria, and his pictures are very unattractive, we should continue?
I mean that's an individual call. Obviously, I don't think anyone should date someone whom they feel actively turned off by. I'm just saying that if it's "neutral to better," I would give him a chance. There's a lot of evidence to suggest that good chemistry---the kind that sustains over time---is not always immediate. A lot of times, the fire-hot immediate chemistry fizzles out (or explodes into flames) in ways that are not healthy.
I have been in a series of what can only be described as disastrous relationships, including two long-term (over 10 years +) relationships. Since finding your method I’ve analysed old messages and realised that the majority of these would have been B2B and would have saved me heartache, trauma and therapy bills! Since starting to date again I have used your method diligently and have blocked well over a thousand men - and I think that I might have found a needle or two. One I’m not attracted to romantically but hope to become firm friends with. A second I hope will be significant in my future. It works. And even better? I don’t feel guilty for blocking, I haven’t needed to justify or explain myself, and I haven’t wasted my time and efforts on people not deserving of them.
Jennie, thanks so much for this. You're a breath of fresh air. I follow a few "dating coaches" on Facebook and I'm amazed at how far they (and apparently, their female followers) will go to rationalize cues from men that for me would be a real turn-off. If a woman is on a dating site and she tolerates really poor grammar, superficial BS, incoherent messages, or absent profiles - what can she expect if she starts dating him? It's so obvious. And if your friends say "You're too picky" or "You're elitist" then in my opinion, you need new friends.
@Jennie Young I want to find my needle and as I said before, all wrapped up in a bow. I'm 71 and I want a big bow. I tried blocking on two apps. It seemed that the new matches I recieved were worse than before. I thought it was supposed to reset and give better matches. Is it because there are even fewer men over 65? Or am I not understanding how this works? Thanks for anyone that can help
Well, there's what it's supposed to mean--which is "pro-sex, specifically women's sexual enjoyment, pro-acceptance, anti-shaming, etc." and then there is what too many men think it means, which is "I feel very positive about sex and would like to have a lot of it." It's an auto B2B for me (block to burn according to burned haystack method) because it's just never led to anywhere good.
Ok, what if a guy I find very attractive is a bit verbally flirty in person but behaves like a gentleman. I like the guy but have no plans of intimacy any time soon. I mean, we are here to find good, but also attractive partners, right?
Boom! Drop the mic…
This us so succinct and true!
Thank you! ❤️
This, this. THIS! I'm SO TEMPTED to send this to the dork I tried to explain BHDM to (see below) I'm not that good at letting things go. But, I will follow your wise example and restrain myself.
https://open.substack.com/pub/larastarr/p/its-kind-of-a-long-story-about-drama-641?r=fp2aa&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email
I do love a good list! This is so helpful to see what has worked and why.
ALL. OF. THIS!
I had some snarky piece of hay ask me how BHDM was working for me. I said, "Perfectly! It's not a method to find a date, it's a method to focus my valuable, precious and delightful time and energy and spend it wisely."
And yes! The bar is not that high! I joke all the time that if men only knew how easy it was to inspire women to want to spend time/have sex with them we'd all be soooo much happier.
My corollary to BHDM is The Netflix Test. After a date I ask myself, "Would I rather spend more time with him or watch Netflix?"
Not a super high bar. So few meet it.
Thank-you Jennie, you really are my mentor ❤
Would you consider appropriate any of the above in "casual dating"? References to our appearance, for example (just general, not specific or creepy ones), or flirty comments?
I date casually and I'm non monogamous and I use this method all the time. It helps me weed out any men looking to use me as a human masturbation tool.
Thank-you so much. "Human masturbation tool" is really spot on, sadly.
Exactly, it's quite sad. Nowadays, men aren't casually dating, they are casually bedding. They often get frustrated with me, which I find hilarious, because I don't allow minimal effort. Even if we're just "hanging out".
Good for you. I loved reading this thread, and I love that you're making it work for casual/non-monogamy. Thank you for sharing your experience ❤️
When it comes to people thinking your too picky or prudish, I have a story NOT dating related, but man related. I was able to SOOOO quickly change everyone’s thinking using a translate it to real life/could this be said another way example regarding a situation with my daughter.
She was on a stock ladder at work, and a man came up and touched her on her butt to get her attention. When she spun around to confront him she froze when she realized it was a stranger, and she ended up not saying anything. Her response to the interaction with me was “maybe I’m overreacting.” Other people also wondered if maybe she didn’t need to be THAT upset by it.
I said, “Let’s look at this in another light.” If a boy was standing on that ladder would that man have touched his butt to get his attention? And immediately everyone said no. So next question, “If it would have been inappropriate for him to touch a man AND HE KNOWS THAT based on what you said, why do we as women not have the RIGHT be upset by his inappropriate behavior?”
My daughter wasn’t being prudish! Her lack of confronting that man (which is a totally normal response, and I encouraged her to not beat herself up for that because she was also mad at herself) and her dismay that she might be overreacting is ingrained by societal norms.
I love that without even thinking about it, BHDM has made it possible for me articulate to others exactly why she has every right to be upset in such a way that they also exactly understand and get upset on her behalf. By changing one parameter of the situation, every single person without fail recognized that the man would have acted in a different manner. And all of the sudden it was glaringly obvious that he WILLFULLY CHOSE to touch a woman on her butt. And since he wouldn’t have done it to a man, he KNOWS it’s inappropriate. It was an absolute test and apologize—and the apology (although he wasn’t asked for it) would not have been sincere. These skills translate to every area of life, and I love it!
This is awesome to read. I am very curious about the last step: "I decided whom to connect with based upon words and behavior, not appearance or chemistry." So if a guy meets Burned Haystack criteria, and his pictures are very unattractive, we should continue?
I mean that's an individual call. Obviously, I don't think anyone should date someone whom they feel actively turned off by. I'm just saying that if it's "neutral to better," I would give him a chance. There's a lot of evidence to suggest that good chemistry---the kind that sustains over time---is not always immediate. A lot of times, the fire-hot immediate chemistry fizzles out (or explodes into flames) in ways that are not healthy.
Thank you. Your response is very, very helpful!
I have been in a series of what can only be described as disastrous relationships, including two long-term (over 10 years +) relationships. Since finding your method I’ve analysed old messages and realised that the majority of these would have been B2B and would have saved me heartache, trauma and therapy bills! Since starting to date again I have used your method diligently and have blocked well over a thousand men - and I think that I might have found a needle or two. One I’m not attracted to romantically but hope to become firm friends with. A second I hope will be significant in my future. It works. And even better? I don’t feel guilty for blocking, I haven’t needed to justify or explain myself, and I haven’t wasted my time and efforts on people not deserving of them.
Jennie, thanks so much for this. You're a breath of fresh air. I follow a few "dating coaches" on Facebook and I'm amazed at how far they (and apparently, their female followers) will go to rationalize cues from men that for me would be a real turn-off. If a woman is on a dating site and she tolerates really poor grammar, superficial BS, incoherent messages, or absent profiles - what can she expect if she starts dating him? It's so obvious. And if your friends say "You're too picky" or "You're elitist" then in my opinion, you need new friends.
@Jennie Young I want to find my needle and as I said before, all wrapped up in a bow. I'm 71 and I want a big bow. I tried blocking on two apps. It seemed that the new matches I recieved were worse than before. I thought it was supposed to reset and give better matches. Is it because there are even fewer men over 65? Or am I not understanding how this works? Thanks for anyone that can help
Can someone explain what “sex positivity” means in a profile?
Well, there's what it's supposed to mean--which is "pro-sex, specifically women's sexual enjoyment, pro-acceptance, anti-shaming, etc." and then there is what too many men think it means, which is "I feel very positive about sex and would like to have a lot of it." It's an auto B2B for me (block to burn according to burned haystack method) because it's just never led to anywhere good.
That’s what I thought! Thank you.
Wait. If you publish this book and men actually read it, won’t some alter their profiles to read as though they are not the B2B they’d usually be?
Say hallelujah ⚡️🎶⚡️
Say hallelujah! 🎶
Ok, what if a guy I find very attractive is a bit verbally flirty in person but behaves like a gentleman. I like the guy but have no plans of intimacy any time soon. I mean, we are here to find good, but also attractive partners, right?