I stopped going to Al-Anon and went to Co-Dependents Anonymous instead. I didn’t want to sit in a room and ruminate about the alcoholic who already took up too much space in my mind/life. At Coda the discussion was more empowering and I met people who figured out how to stop centering another person and their addiction. There was talk of acceptance but it was coupled with the notion that acceptance can mean walking away.
CoDA changed my life! I found an amazing women's CoDA group and someone I didn't know (the intake nurse I was on the phone with to muscle my husband into a treatment program) flat out said to me, "God! You sound SO co-dependent. You want to do something? Get yourself to a CoDA meeting and go 6 times before you make a decision about whether on not it's right for you. If the group is not a fit, find another group, but go at least 6 times." Brilliant advice. It really helped me see I had no business trying to fix my husband, only in fixing me and keeping me and my kiddo safe. That group made me laugh and cry and create a brand new vision for myself. Changed. My. Life.
Agree! I still get something out of al anon meetings but Coda was also life changing for me (post a traumatic break up) and i still draw on what i learned there today. Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunction is also an excellent fellowship. 12 step recovery really kick started my transformation and healing.
This was me - exactly me...I so deeply appreciate this writing! I went to Al-Anon for many years off and on and had a couple sponsors that ultimately I ended up not continuing with.
I kicked him out a year ago and he just died of liver failure due to alcoholism in April and I am again heartbroken but really can see now, what you so beautifully expressed in this article. I was so convinced he was my soul mate. Perspective is hard won. When I was with him we talked also about "unconditional love and acceptance" and it took me years to figure out that I could really love someone but not be able to be in relationship with them nor live with them. I think it was finally the thought of losing my son that did it. He (25 yr old) could not take it and it put a huge rift in our relationship. I could not lose my son so I chose to save myself. Thank you for all you are doing through your work now. I love your stuff!
A lot of this rings true about being entangled with someone with any personality disorder. There can be something about them that is totally captivating and alluring while the recognition of the chaos and disorder rings loud. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to walk away.
Walking away from my "Qualifier" is something I am so proud of.
I went to Al-Anon because other than my son, all of the primary men in my life were alcoholics: father, brother, husband, only BF (who I dated after my husband died)
I thought, I'm the common denominator here. What's up?
What Al-Anon did for me was reinforce what I knew to be true: the reason alcohols don't stop drinking isn't because they don't love you enough.
It's not because I'm not worth it.
I *knew* that, but had a hard time feeling it.
The couple of months I spent in Al-Anon helped me over the hump of the breakup, but I didn't jive with the idea that I had "steps" to take, or that this would be a lifetime "work."
I still really miss the connection and fun we had (and sex... ) and will NEVER invite an alcoholic into my life again.
Patriarchal cultures (and the corresponding religions) expect women to cope and sacrifice. It is in fact socially sanctioned abuse as those who “fail” to conform are labeled selfish, horrible women.
Romantic love is fed to women through cinema, TV shows, myths, and stories. Most of them grow up prioritizing love above everything else.
From the same cultural products, most of men learn that they deserve a woman who will stand by them no matter what, whether they deserve it or not.
Women tend to stay with their partners when they get sick (or when addiction spirals out of control). Men tend to leave women who get sick.
Al-Anon and its “Higher Power” framework is not exactly known for being feminist and your experience perfectly illustrates that.
I did Al anon for two years. It changed my life. For the first time in my life I thought about me and my part in things. I went to those meetings and for six months I cried at every meeting. They held me and supported me but never tried to fix me or my problem which frustrated me and later I appreciated. I had an amazing sponsor- she spend hours with me going over the steps- some of the most powerful free “therapy” I ever had. But my home group had a lot of hope and transformation. Eventually I also left my partner. I left Al anon because I wasn’t a lifer. I don’t buy into any one philosophy. I don’t think it’s for everyone and I don’t think every group is like the one I went to. But it started my life on a trajectory of changed and it was something I could financially afford. I agree that it has its problems but for me it was one of the first safe places I could fall apart.
This is about an addict but it rings true for any woman who has loved a broken man who isn’t interested in being unbroken. So candid and raw and beautiful Jennie. I hear SO MANY women describe their love as “spiritual” or “sacred” or “necessary” - whatever word they can think of to place it above criticism. Because it doesn’t make logical sense. But it isn’t magic, it’s psychology.
I have found Al-Anon to be very helpful in my recovery from domestic violence. DV isn’t the focus of Al-Anon, but there are many parallels between being in an intimate relationship or parent/child relationship with an addict and with an emotionally and physically abusive partner.
It took me 7 different meetings to find the group that I resonated with. I didn’t join Al-Anon meetings to help my partner. That was my partner’s responsibility. I went to help refocus myself. Reprioritize myself. The group gave me support and encouragement in how to move forward with my own healing without enabling my partner (former partner).
It makes complete sense if someone is looking for answers or any type of fixing, this type of support group is not the right fit. It’s not therapy, nor rehabilitation.
Oof. When I followed the link to this, I had only read the title. I hadn’t realized it was you, Jennie, until you mentioned Burned Haystack.
No matter who had written it, the words resonated with me. I think some of us in my family have been addicted to chaos & likely because we grew up in it.
But that it was your story drove home your repeated advice to not trust the spark. We’ve probably all followed it - that electric connection that sometimes occurs upon meeting people.
But stories like this remind us that electricity is as likely a warning of the frenetic energy of a person or connection and a kind of energy that may consume us rather than fuel us. It’s not a green flag AT ALL. And the myriad of fairy tales encouraging young girls to seek out that feeling, that magical person set them up to become young women looking for something that won’t serve them.
Thank you for continuing to share your journey & help women empower themselves in all aspects of their lives.
Thank you for sharing this personal and excellent commentary on Al-Anon. Just one thing I hope I can clarify as someone who teaches Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance does not mean staying in an abusive relationship. It means recognizing and accepting that it is abusive so that you can then decide whether or not to stay or leave. Just like we need first to accept that racism exists in order to work on doing anything to change it. I am so glad that you decided to move on with your life and not stay with an alcoholic spouse.
Yes. This is what Al-Anon taught me: to face reality and stop lying to myself. So then I could make an informed decision about the rest of my life. And I decided to leave so I could live instead of continuing to slowly die with him.
I’ve been in recovery since 2007 when I first got sober. I met my husband in those rooms. I had drifted in and out of Alanon during our 14 year marriage because my dependency on him to make me happy was choking me. When I found myself no longer married to a recovering alcoholic, but a full-blown active alcoholic, I made my way back and haven’t left. They held space for me to cry, rage, or laugh. They allowed me feel whatever I needed to feel, without judging or trying to fix it or sugar coat it. They supported me when I stayed, they supported me when I left, and they’re supporting me now that I’ve made the decision to spend time with him again. Their whole point is to support members in knowing their own boundaries that’s empowering for them.
I’ve also participated in several other 12-step groups (I qualify for most 😂). And they all have this in common: one meeting tells you very little about that fellowship as a whole. Each meeting is different because they’re made up of different people.
That being said, it’s not for everybody. Just like anything else. And sometimes what’s not a good fit at one point in life may be a good fit later. But what I’ve learned in Alanon is that everyone deserves the dignity of choosing their own path.
As an ex-journalist I could write an opinionated critique of anyone or anything after just one meeting, but it'd be unlikely to be accurate or well informed in any helpful way. Young's analyses in this essay and addendum add to the discussion, but would have been stronger if she'd left out the scathing critique based on one meeting with one group.
Yes, I truly hope this does not discourage anyone from trying Al Anon. I’ve been going for two years and it has saved my life. I love my home group (comprised of men and women) and they have been a constant source of incredible support. I started getting divorced a year ago and Al Anon has gotten me through it.
Seriously. She says research shows that it works for its intended purpose and that it’s helpful to many. She clearly says she didn’t realize its purpose and it wasn’t what she needed.
I had a different experience attending Al anon for many years. I saw a range of people attending, many of whom left their spouses, like you and I did at some point. Their stories were often pointing toward their healing after lovingly detaching, finding their own healing whether or not the other person was still using, and finding stability where they could… whether not they stayed or left. It was supporting of everyone, no matter what stage we were in, and I moved from denial, anger, and control to detaching, healing and finding peace. But first I had to find safety for myself and my kids by leaving. I attribute much of my healing to Al Anon, and I also walked out the first time. But I’m so grateful I went back.
I honor everyone’s unique experience with Al-Anon.
And, I have a very different experience with it. Through a combination of Al-Anon and other therapy, I found the strength in myself to leave an alcoholic marriage. Al-Anon is a place where I could and continue to tell the truth about what I was experiencing when there wasn’t anyone else who understood. Al-Anon helped me understand how I was perpetuating my own suffering because of my codependent tendencies. I have found it to be a program that meets people where they are at and constantly reinforces that no one knows what is best for you besides you. I have learned about what is within my control (not much) and how to kkeep myself safe.
It isn’t a perfect program because it is a bunch of imperfect humans trying to learn and grow in community. But it helped me save my life and I have seen it be a critical piece of others doing the same.
So much of what you wrote feels like what took place inside my own skin. the intense, addictive love. Doing EVERYTHING I could to help my exceedingly depressed and ashamed man. The fury when he didn't do what he said he would do. The disappointment.
AND the frustration with AlAnon. I don't know that I would have named it as deadeningly despondent (not your words, I know), but I HATE going to those meetings - they make my skin crawl. I keep trying because the situation they are experiencing is mine as well - but I can't stay and can't commit. Thanks for sharing your experience with it. That's helpful.
I too left because I had to. Letting go has hurt like ripping my own skin off, millimeter by millimeter then yard by yard. But I'm finally at the point where I know it was for the best. I'm healing. Days pass when I don't have feelings about him (thoughts, yes, but not strong feelings). I'm not remotely interested in dating or trying to find love except for love for myself.
Your description of your relationship was so familar, so seeringly familiar, it made me gasp.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece AND your follow up to it, Jennie. I stayed with my ex-husband (together for 20 years) 10 years too long. I stayed because we had a daughter. I stayed because I thought he would die in an alcoholic stupor without me. I stayed because I couldn’t fathom another path, and persistence seemed like the only option. I went to some AlAnon meetings and cried through them. But what I wanted was to grow and evolve and emerge from this stuck-ness… not continue revolving around it meeting after meeting. I also went to an incredible therapist and read “Marriage on the Rocks” and “Codependent No More” and got on anti anxiety medication and at some point I finally deeply and truly believed what all those sources were saying: I didn’t cause this. I can’t control this. I can’t cure this. And with that understanding solidly locked in my soul, I figured out how to make a different choice. It was a profound internal shift, not a physical one yet. It took two years through the core of the pandemic to extricate ourselves in a way that worked for me. But now, three years after that, I am living a better internal life than I ever could have imagined. I am single, but I have opened myself up to allow in the most wonderful friends and connections that I hid from before. I am taking art classes and traveling and going to shows and museums and cooking and enjoying wonderful meals. I feel whole again, or maybe for the first time. The side note is my ex, through his own hard work, became sober, going on a year and a half. He has owned his disease and repaired his relationship with me and our daughter. He is in a new relationship with a wonderful woman. They have a foster baby and the five of us have developed this really beautiful friendship and extended family. My own needle may or may not come along, but my gratitude for emerging on the other side of hell and living this unexpected, almost unexplainable life is quite nearly enough.
That last part is everything! My ex bf isn’t an alcoholic but he was emotionally unsafe and a circular entanglement was coming for me. My friends were patient with my folly, also bc I did walk, but it’s so true that we can be dead wrong. Anchoring in first impressions and the sunk cost fallacy are both such powerful cognitive errors when paired with with dopamine/addiction aspects present in challenging relationships. Thank you for this!
I stopped going to Al-Anon and went to Co-Dependents Anonymous instead. I didn’t want to sit in a room and ruminate about the alcoholic who already took up too much space in my mind/life. At Coda the discussion was more empowering and I met people who figured out how to stop centering another person and their addiction. There was talk of acceptance but it was coupled with the notion that acceptance can mean walking away.
CoDA changed my life! I found an amazing women's CoDA group and someone I didn't know (the intake nurse I was on the phone with to muscle my husband into a treatment program) flat out said to me, "God! You sound SO co-dependent. You want to do something? Get yourself to a CoDA meeting and go 6 times before you make a decision about whether on not it's right for you. If the group is not a fit, find another group, but go at least 6 times." Brilliant advice. It really helped me see I had no business trying to fix my husband, only in fixing me and keeping me and my kiddo safe. That group made me laugh and cry and create a brand new vision for myself. Changed. My. Life.
Agree! I still get something out of al anon meetings but Coda was also life changing for me (post a traumatic break up) and i still draw on what i learned there today. Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunction is also an excellent fellowship. 12 step recovery really kick started my transformation and healing.
100% this!!!
I just left a similar relationship… I’m looking for a CoDA in my area
This was me - exactly me...I so deeply appreciate this writing! I went to Al-Anon for many years off and on and had a couple sponsors that ultimately I ended up not continuing with.
I kicked him out a year ago and he just died of liver failure due to alcoholism in April and I am again heartbroken but really can see now, what you so beautifully expressed in this article. I was so convinced he was my soul mate. Perspective is hard won. When I was with him we talked also about "unconditional love and acceptance" and it took me years to figure out that I could really love someone but not be able to be in relationship with them nor live with them. I think it was finally the thought of losing my son that did it. He (25 yr old) could not take it and it put a huge rift in our relationship. I could not lose my son so I chose to save myself. Thank you for all you are doing through your work now. I love your stuff!
A lot of this rings true about being entangled with someone with any personality disorder. There can be something about them that is totally captivating and alluring while the recognition of the chaos and disorder rings loud. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to walk away.
Oh Jennie, I feel this very much.
Walking away from my "Qualifier" is something I am so proud of.
I went to Al-Anon because other than my son, all of the primary men in my life were alcoholics: father, brother, husband, only BF (who I dated after my husband died)
I thought, I'm the common denominator here. What's up?
What Al-Anon did for me was reinforce what I knew to be true: the reason alcohols don't stop drinking isn't because they don't love you enough.
It's not because I'm not worth it.
I *knew* that, but had a hard time feeling it.
The couple of months I spent in Al-Anon helped me over the hump of the breakup, but I didn't jive with the idea that I had "steps" to take, or that this would be a lifetime "work."
I still really miss the connection and fun we had (and sex... ) and will NEVER invite an alcoholic into my life again.
Patriarchal cultures (and the corresponding religions) expect women to cope and sacrifice. It is in fact socially sanctioned abuse as those who “fail” to conform are labeled selfish, horrible women.
Romantic love is fed to women through cinema, TV shows, myths, and stories. Most of them grow up prioritizing love above everything else.
From the same cultural products, most of men learn that they deserve a woman who will stand by them no matter what, whether they deserve it or not.
Women tend to stay with their partners when they get sick (or when addiction spirals out of control). Men tend to leave women who get sick.
Al-Anon and its “Higher Power” framework is not exactly known for being feminist and your experience perfectly illustrates that.
Precisely.
Yes! I left a similar comment :)
I did Al anon for two years. It changed my life. For the first time in my life I thought about me and my part in things. I went to those meetings and for six months I cried at every meeting. They held me and supported me but never tried to fix me or my problem which frustrated me and later I appreciated. I had an amazing sponsor- she spend hours with me going over the steps- some of the most powerful free “therapy” I ever had. But my home group had a lot of hope and transformation. Eventually I also left my partner. I left Al anon because I wasn’t a lifer. I don’t buy into any one philosophy. I don’t think it’s for everyone and I don’t think every group is like the one I went to. But it started my life on a trajectory of changed and it was something I could financially afford. I agree that it has its problems but for me it was one of the first safe places I could fall apart.
I had the same experience as you.
This is about an addict but it rings true for any woman who has loved a broken man who isn’t interested in being unbroken. So candid and raw and beautiful Jennie. I hear SO MANY women describe their love as “spiritual” or “sacred” or “necessary” - whatever word they can think of to place it above criticism. Because it doesn’t make logical sense. But it isn’t magic, it’s psychology.
I have found Al-Anon to be very helpful in my recovery from domestic violence. DV isn’t the focus of Al-Anon, but there are many parallels between being in an intimate relationship or parent/child relationship with an addict and with an emotionally and physically abusive partner.
It took me 7 different meetings to find the group that I resonated with. I didn’t join Al-Anon meetings to help my partner. That was my partner’s responsibility. I went to help refocus myself. Reprioritize myself. The group gave me support and encouragement in how to move forward with my own healing without enabling my partner (former partner).
It makes complete sense if someone is looking for answers or any type of fixing, this type of support group is not the right fit. It’s not therapy, nor rehabilitation.
Oof. When I followed the link to this, I had only read the title. I hadn’t realized it was you, Jennie, until you mentioned Burned Haystack.
No matter who had written it, the words resonated with me. I think some of us in my family have been addicted to chaos & likely because we grew up in it.
But that it was your story drove home your repeated advice to not trust the spark. We’ve probably all followed it - that electric connection that sometimes occurs upon meeting people.
But stories like this remind us that electricity is as likely a warning of the frenetic energy of a person or connection and a kind of energy that may consume us rather than fuel us. It’s not a green flag AT ALL. And the myriad of fairy tales encouraging young girls to seek out that feeling, that magical person set them up to become young women looking for something that won’t serve them.
Thank you for continuing to share your journey & help women empower themselves in all aspects of their lives.
Thank you for sharing this personal and excellent commentary on Al-Anon. Just one thing I hope I can clarify as someone who teaches Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance does not mean staying in an abusive relationship. It means recognizing and accepting that it is abusive so that you can then decide whether or not to stay or leave. Just like we need first to accept that racism exists in order to work on doing anything to change it. I am so glad that you decided to move on with your life and not stay with an alcoholic spouse.
Yes. This is what Al-Anon taught me: to face reality and stop lying to myself. So then I could make an informed decision about the rest of my life. And I decided to leave so I could live instead of continuing to slowly die with him.
Thank you for your comment!
I’ve been in recovery since 2007 when I first got sober. I met my husband in those rooms. I had drifted in and out of Alanon during our 14 year marriage because my dependency on him to make me happy was choking me. When I found myself no longer married to a recovering alcoholic, but a full-blown active alcoholic, I made my way back and haven’t left. They held space for me to cry, rage, or laugh. They allowed me feel whatever I needed to feel, without judging or trying to fix it or sugar coat it. They supported me when I stayed, they supported me when I left, and they’re supporting me now that I’ve made the decision to spend time with him again. Their whole point is to support members in knowing their own boundaries that’s empowering for them.
I’ve also participated in several other 12-step groups (I qualify for most 😂). And they all have this in common: one meeting tells you very little about that fellowship as a whole. Each meeting is different because they’re made up of different people.
That being said, it’s not for everybody. Just like anything else. And sometimes what’s not a good fit at one point in life may be a good fit later. But what I’ve learned in Alanon is that everyone deserves the dignity of choosing their own path.
This.
As an ex-journalist I could write an opinionated critique of anyone or anything after just one meeting, but it'd be unlikely to be accurate or well informed in any helpful way. Young's analyses in this essay and addendum add to the discussion, but would have been stronger if she'd left out the scathing critique based on one meeting with one group.
Yes, I truly hope this does not discourage anyone from trying Al Anon. I’ve been going for two years and it has saved my life. I love my home group (comprised of men and women) and they have been a constant source of incredible support. I started getting divorced a year ago and Al Anon has gotten me through it.
Which part of what Jennie wrote about that meeting was “scathing?”
Seriously. She says research shows that it works for its intended purpose and that it’s helpful to many. She clearly says she didn’t realize its purpose and it wasn’t what she needed.
I had a different experience attending Al anon for many years. I saw a range of people attending, many of whom left their spouses, like you and I did at some point. Their stories were often pointing toward their healing after lovingly detaching, finding their own healing whether or not the other person was still using, and finding stability where they could… whether not they stayed or left. It was supporting of everyone, no matter what stage we were in, and I moved from denial, anger, and control to detaching, healing and finding peace. But first I had to find safety for myself and my kids by leaving. I attribute much of my healing to Al Anon, and I also walked out the first time. But I’m so grateful I went back.
I honor everyone’s unique experience with Al-Anon.
And, I have a very different experience with it. Through a combination of Al-Anon and other therapy, I found the strength in myself to leave an alcoholic marriage. Al-Anon is a place where I could and continue to tell the truth about what I was experiencing when there wasn’t anyone else who understood. Al-Anon helped me understand how I was perpetuating my own suffering because of my codependent tendencies. I have found it to be a program that meets people where they are at and constantly reinforces that no one knows what is best for you besides you. I have learned about what is within my control (not much) and how to kkeep myself safe.
It isn’t a perfect program because it is a bunch of imperfect humans trying to learn and grow in community. But it helped me save my life and I have seen it be a critical piece of others doing the same.
Wow.
So much of what you wrote feels like what took place inside my own skin. the intense, addictive love. Doing EVERYTHING I could to help my exceedingly depressed and ashamed man. The fury when he didn't do what he said he would do. The disappointment.
AND the frustration with AlAnon. I don't know that I would have named it as deadeningly despondent (not your words, I know), but I HATE going to those meetings - they make my skin crawl. I keep trying because the situation they are experiencing is mine as well - but I can't stay and can't commit. Thanks for sharing your experience with it. That's helpful.
I too left because I had to. Letting go has hurt like ripping my own skin off, millimeter by millimeter then yard by yard. But I'm finally at the point where I know it was for the best. I'm healing. Days pass when I don't have feelings about him (thoughts, yes, but not strong feelings). I'm not remotely interested in dating or trying to find love except for love for myself.
Your description of your relationship was so familar, so seeringly familiar, it made me gasp.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece AND your follow up to it, Jennie. I stayed with my ex-husband (together for 20 years) 10 years too long. I stayed because we had a daughter. I stayed because I thought he would die in an alcoholic stupor without me. I stayed because I couldn’t fathom another path, and persistence seemed like the only option. I went to some AlAnon meetings and cried through them. But what I wanted was to grow and evolve and emerge from this stuck-ness… not continue revolving around it meeting after meeting. I also went to an incredible therapist and read “Marriage on the Rocks” and “Codependent No More” and got on anti anxiety medication and at some point I finally deeply and truly believed what all those sources were saying: I didn’t cause this. I can’t control this. I can’t cure this. And with that understanding solidly locked in my soul, I figured out how to make a different choice. It was a profound internal shift, not a physical one yet. It took two years through the core of the pandemic to extricate ourselves in a way that worked for me. But now, three years after that, I am living a better internal life than I ever could have imagined. I am single, but I have opened myself up to allow in the most wonderful friends and connections that I hid from before. I am taking art classes and traveling and going to shows and museums and cooking and enjoying wonderful meals. I feel whole again, or maybe for the first time. The side note is my ex, through his own hard work, became sober, going on a year and a half. He has owned his disease and repaired his relationship with me and our daughter. He is in a new relationship with a wonderful woman. They have a foster baby and the five of us have developed this really beautiful friendship and extended family. My own needle may or may not come along, but my gratitude for emerging on the other side of hell and living this unexpected, almost unexplainable life is quite nearly enough.
That last part is everything! My ex bf isn’t an alcoholic but he was emotionally unsafe and a circular entanglement was coming for me. My friends were patient with my folly, also bc I did walk, but it’s so true that we can be dead wrong. Anchoring in first impressions and the sunk cost fallacy are both such powerful cognitive errors when paired with with dopamine/addiction aspects present in challenging relationships. Thank you for this!