FWIW, I selected only one prompt for my own profile. It's "My vision of hell is . . . " and I answered "Disneyworld" (because I need to avoid Disney Adults at all costs; no shade to Disney Adults, but it would not be a good fit for me).
I love that about you, FYI! I was raised to feel guilty for ever putting myself first, and I am inspired by your boundaries and clarity around how you will be treated. Your post about what internalized misogyny looks like was incredibly helpful to read, as I had never seen anyone put that into words.
I like “I’ve got the best recommendation for.” Also, “my most random skill,” since my most random skill is being able to tackle D1 football players. Currently, “my real life superpower” is seeing through people who think they have a good poker face. Not sure about this one.
I really like the random skill one, it's one of the best. Your answer is such a great opening for a man to ask questions about. If they don't pick that ball up during your chats, you know they haven't read your profile.
Exactly. It’s such an easy opener. If I saw an equivalent in a man’s profile I’d sure say something like “okay, so I’m dying to know the story behind” whatever.
I have used, in FB dating, anyway : Useless talent, place is like to live for a year, movie I’d watch over and over and favorite book. The talent is benign, the place I’d love to live isn’t that deep and most people would agree it’s beautiful, the movie shows my musical taste and the book is because I’m interested in men who read. Even if they fake it, they can’t for long in a conversation and it’s not a big reveal.
You can’t make everyone happy, but you DO make a LOT of us happy!! Don’t stop doing what you are doing and keep being yourself. I think that is why we are all here because you are brilliant and honest. 💜💜
Knowing what not to do is very helpful! And I used several prompts you advised not to use I think bc I am a nurturer/caring type (but been a solid feminist for years, too!) I want to still be "me" and also be more aware of how to set solid boundaries. Honestly, this made me realize how bad most of the prompts are to begin with! Ugh! And if I do choose to use one like "quality most important to me" (something sincere and meaningful which is what I'd choose), to understand better how to screen for manipulation of my answer. Also--I appreciate your other comment about using the prompts sparingly and just using our own unique, powerful voice to say who we are and what we want in our bio. Thoughts?!
Came over here from the fb group post talking about which prompts to use and your tendency to skew negative. You strike me as a radical person in the sense that you tend to address issues at their root. Rather than sell women a bandaid or coping mechanism to delude themselves into being happy, you’ve identified one of the core drivers of our unhappiness, deadweight in romantic relationships and are ferociously spreading the word about it. So that women and non-binary people can have the capacity to pursue joy as they define it.
Heidi, your comment just lit me up, because all of that's central to my fascination with how CDA saves day, weeks, months of time as a lens within the BHDM scaffolding (just as useful with friends, family, co-workers as it is in dating). These millions of hours saved for women in this group (many of whom are likely to win Nobels and Pulitzers with the extra (restored?) time) and better odds for a life partner who provides as much joy and lift as they get? I think they call this *inspiration*.
Laughing right now at what would be my own honest answer to #1 - Women Who Hate Men. Probably explains why I'm not actually dating at the moment! Member of Burned Haystack for science! And you know what? Life is so much better 😂
I’m not on bumble but just started using Hinge- i use the time travel and actual travel prompts because they are about values and subtext is slightly political. And they’re great conversation starters! I also like “change my mind about” and use light things like a divisive bagel shop or fitness craze to get banter going. Thanks to Jennie I next anybody who uses “how to win me over” and hell can seriously break loose in the “my perfect Sunday “ prompt too. Good luck everybody!
"Hell can seriously break loose in the 'my perfect Sunday' prompt." 😂😂😂 It sure does, doesn't it??? Maybe we should have a competition based on this line. I'm gonna try something . . . Thank you for giving me this idea! 😁
Incidentally, I've been that woman (in California), and I found that men making claims like that were often ... yeah, not up to that. (I eventually met someone who was for real on a fitness website, where you could page back through other people's workout records.)
You would think that the My Perfect Sunday prompt was hardwired into the profiles based on how many men use it. I do like that some talk about prepping for the week, etc. It's good to know if they have some basic life skills. I don't know if that translates to them expecting to continue to do that if they date, though. A lot of men think that women will come and take over these chores that they have.
I think some boundaries are important to put up front and can’t necessarily be weaponized. I use the ‘one thing you should know about me’ to let potential matches know about my co-parenting relationship (we spend major holidays together and go on some vacations together) and how well we co-parent. It keeps insecure and jealous people from swiping right and I like it that way.
While I totally agree with not giving too much away about your own personality and preferences, I use the “when I need advice I go to” prompt on Hinge. I put “Miss Cleo“ as a joke and then put “really though, I have a great therapist and appreciate emotional maturity” because it scares a lot of the wrong guys off.
I want to add to this if you’re a childfree woman do not disclose your stance “don’t want kids” before hearing theres!! Many men will try to predict or match you answer in attempt to baby trap you.
Thanks. I use One thing you should know about me and just list some of my basic info that’s not captured elsewhere, mainly my obscure hobbies (easy to weed out those that may try to sound knowledgeable about these early on… and most don’t even try haha). And I’ve seen a few guys using the What I learned in therapy prompt… I don’t mind some of the answers which are just general thoughts about what they think is important in living well or adulting. The only thing I don’t like about the use of it in those circumstances is that I’m not sure if theyre saying they’ve been to therapy or are being metaphorical.
I have an oddly specific and quirky answer to the green flag prompt in my profile that serves as an excellent conversation starter, yet gives away zero information about how to successfully date me. I didn’t want to put my *actual* green flags in a profile for exactly the reasons stated here — I need to know that you naturally behave that way, not that you heed instructions I provide about how to behave properly.
Some of my favorite prompts are among the ones they are getting rid of, like the biggest risk you've ever taken prompt. This one has given me insight into where guys fall on the spectrum of taking a lot of risks versus sheltering themselves. To me that's one of the questions that helps people align themselves with others who are more similarly wired.
I guarantee you that the new "Before we meet, you should listen to" prompt is going to generate a lot of disciplinary directive instructions from guys.
It's interesting to see that being a high risk taker is one of the signs of an anti-social personality. Being a high risk taker is one of the signs associated with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). That includes impulsivity and a tendency to engage in unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behaviors, often with little or no regard for the safety of themselves or others
I actually like the: "Before we meet you should listen to ..." prompt very much, especially if you also answer it yourself. It doesn't have to be anything deep, but you could share your favourite comedian or a podcast about your strange hobby/interest or the latest opinion piece on the NYT podcast.
I think it's a great conversation starter and you can see if your humour or political views etc align. At the same time you can see if they took the time to listen to yours.
I do think it could be a great conversation starter, if the man honestly loves the same things you do. But for a man who's just trying to manipulate you, it gives them a window into your soul that they can mirror back to you.
So the next follow up question would be: "What is your favorite podcast from this person and why?"
Thanks for clarifying, I thought perhaps the ones at the bottom of the announcement on the carousel were all new. Agree with you re # 3 from this list would be the most 'safe'.
I also won't consider any guy who uses the "Two truths and a lie" prompt. Why on earth would one choose to begin a relationship that requires trust to be successful with a blatant lie to ones partner?
I've used Hinge prompt about what I've learned from therapy and just wrote: "The attachment style we develop during the first months of life impacts our relationships when adults".
My goal was to find people who were, at least, conscious about the attachment theory. Is it still a bad idea? @JennieYoung
What prompts WOULD be good to utilize when setting up your profile? Would love your input on this @JennieYoung! Thank you! 🙌
FWIW, I selected only one prompt for my own profile. It's "My vision of hell is . . . " and I answered "Disneyworld" (because I need to avoid Disney Adults at all costs; no shade to Disney Adults, but it would not be a good fit for me).
Hey, that’s my line!
My line exactly. I feel so validated!
I haven't gotten to that yet, lol. I am constantly critiqued for being negatively wired and not "inspiring" enough, and that critique is 💯 valid. 😂
I love that about you, FYI! I was raised to feel guilty for ever putting myself first, and I am inspired by your boundaries and clarity around how you will be treated. Your post about what internalized misogyny looks like was incredibly helpful to read, as I had never seen anyone put that into words.
Aww, thank you 🥰
I like “I’ve got the best recommendation for.” Also, “my most random skill,” since my most random skill is being able to tackle D1 football players. Currently, “my real life superpower” is seeing through people who think they have a good poker face. Not sure about this one.
I really like the random skill one, it's one of the best. Your answer is such a great opening for a man to ask questions about. If they don't pick that ball up during your chats, you know they haven't read your profile.
Exactly. It’s such an easy opener. If I saw an equivalent in a man’s profile I’d sure say something like “okay, so I’m dying to know the story behind” whatever.
I like your choices and would love to hear others that really put us in a position of strength
I have used, in FB dating, anyway : Useless talent, place is like to live for a year, movie I’d watch over and over and favorite book. The talent is benign, the place I’d love to live isn’t that deep and most people would agree it’s beautiful, the movie shows my musical taste and the book is because I’m interested in men who read. Even if they fake it, they can’t for long in a conversation and it’s not a big reveal.
Well now I want to know more, too! What a great opener!
Jennie, Please never change, this is the single best thing about you!
You can’t make everyone happy, but you DO make a LOT of us happy!! Don’t stop doing what you are doing and keep being yourself. I think that is why we are all here because you are brilliant and honest. 💜💜
Knowing what not to do is very helpful! And I used several prompts you advised not to use I think bc I am a nurturer/caring type (but been a solid feminist for years, too!) I want to still be "me" and also be more aware of how to set solid boundaries. Honestly, this made me realize how bad most of the prompts are to begin with! Ugh! And if I do choose to use one like "quality most important to me" (something sincere and meaningful which is what I'd choose), to understand better how to screen for manipulation of my answer. Also--I appreciate your other comment about using the prompts sparingly and just using our own unique, powerful voice to say who we are and what we want in our bio. Thoughts?!
I was going to ask this too - lol, great minds and all that. I like the personal hell idea actually!
Came over here from the fb group post talking about which prompts to use and your tendency to skew negative. You strike me as a radical person in the sense that you tend to address issues at their root. Rather than sell women a bandaid or coping mechanism to delude themselves into being happy, you’ve identified one of the core drivers of our unhappiness, deadweight in romantic relationships and are ferociously spreading the word about it. So that women and non-binary people can have the capacity to pursue joy as they define it.
Heidi, your comment just lit me up, because all of that's central to my fascination with how CDA saves day, weeks, months of time as a lens within the BHDM scaffolding (just as useful with friends, family, co-workers as it is in dating). These millions of hours saved for women in this group (many of whom are likely to win Nobels and Pulitzers with the extra (restored?) time) and better odds for a life partner who provides as much joy and lift as they get? I think they call this *inspiration*.
What happened to some of the prompts that used to be useful:
1. What was the last book you read (oh yeah, I know people don't read. But what if they DO???)
2. What was your favorite pet? Why?
3. Why do you love your job (or not!)
Etcetera. Questions that give insight into a person, not into "what is your astrological sign?"
I like the last book question, because if the last book was something they were assigned in high school then that gives you a lot of information!!
I also like: what news outlet do you listen to? Right away I would know about their politics.
Laughing right now at what would be my own honest answer to #1 - Women Who Hate Men. Probably explains why I'm not actually dating at the moment! Member of Burned Haystack for science! And you know what? Life is so much better 😂
I’m not on bumble but just started using Hinge- i use the time travel and actual travel prompts because they are about values and subtext is slightly political. And they’re great conversation starters! I also like “change my mind about” and use light things like a divisive bagel shop or fitness craze to get banter going. Thanks to Jennie I next anybody who uses “how to win me over” and hell can seriously break loose in the “my perfect Sunday “ prompt too. Good luck everybody!
"Hell can seriously break loose in the 'my perfect Sunday' prompt." 😂😂😂 It sure does, doesn't it??? Maybe we should have a competition based on this line. I'm gonna try something . . . Thank you for giving me this idea! 😁
Oh god yes - I hate the my perfect Sunday prompt! Every man does the same thing it seems: walk, Sunday lunch, snuggle. Sooo unimaginative.
In Colorado they say, “On Sundays I climb, go to the gym, cycle, run, hike (all in one day).”
And that’s what they want in a woman. 🤮🤬
Incidentally, I've been that woman (in California), and I found that men making claims like that were often ... yeah, not up to that. (I eventually met someone who was for real on a fitness website, where you could page back through other people's workout records.)
That’s awesome. I stand on my feet for about 10 hours a day in Surgery so going to the gym every night is not something that I like to do.
Not saying you should! Just pointing out that experience has told me that guys who claim they do or want that level of activity ... actually don't.
You inspired me: https://substack.com/@jennieyoung/note/c-125886550
You would think that the My Perfect Sunday prompt was hardwired into the profiles based on how many men use it. I do like that some talk about prepping for the week, etc. It's good to know if they have some basic life skills. I don't know if that translates to them expecting to continue to do that if they date, though. A lot of men think that women will come and take over these chores that they have.
I think some boundaries are important to put up front and can’t necessarily be weaponized. I use the ‘one thing you should know about me’ to let potential matches know about my co-parenting relationship (we spend major holidays together and go on some vacations together) and how well we co-parent. It keeps insecure and jealous people from swiping right and I like it that way.
But hear me out. What about, “Teach me something about mansplaining.” ;)
While I totally agree with not giving too much away about your own personality and preferences, I use the “when I need advice I go to” prompt on Hinge. I put “Miss Cleo“ as a joke and then put “really though, I have a great therapist and appreciate emotional maturity” because it scares a lot of the wrong guys off.
I want to add to this if you’re a childfree woman do not disclose your stance “don’t want kids” before hearing theres!! Many men will try to predict or match you answer in attempt to baby trap you.
My favorite conversation starter that I used when I was still on the app was “what was the best book you ever read, and why should I read it?”
Anyone who said “the alchemist” was an immediate b2b
My auto B2B was anything by Ayn Rand.
ALSO VALID
100% Ayn Rand is horrific.
Her view that you aren't important to society unless you have marketable worth is shocking.
Even as a 15 year old, reading that book for the first time, I knew she would view my dear grandmother as disposable.
It's a B2B for sure because you'll always be dancing at the end of his string to prove your worth.
Also she's just a bad writer. :)
This is such good advice. These questions give power and information to ABUSERS.
The irony is: Unethical marriage therapists will ask these same questions in couples counseling where there is violence, verbal abuse, and control.
That's why couples counseling is unethical, or possibly even illegal, according to the Gottman Institute. It gives power to the abuser.
Thanks. I use One thing you should know about me and just list some of my basic info that’s not captured elsewhere, mainly my obscure hobbies (easy to weed out those that may try to sound knowledgeable about these early on… and most don’t even try haha). And I’ve seen a few guys using the What I learned in therapy prompt… I don’t mind some of the answers which are just general thoughts about what they think is important in living well or adulting. The only thing I don’t like about the use of it in those circumstances is that I’m not sure if theyre saying they’ve been to therapy or are being metaphorical.
I have an oddly specific and quirky answer to the green flag prompt in my profile that serves as an excellent conversation starter, yet gives away zero information about how to successfully date me. I didn’t want to put my *actual* green flags in a profile for exactly the reasons stated here — I need to know that you naturally behave that way, not that you heed instructions I provide about how to behave properly.
Thank you, this and your analysis resonates! Wondering your thoughts on some of the new Hinge prompts (created in partnership with Esther Perel): https://hinge.co/en-gb/newsroom/your-world-prompts-with-esther-perel
I had hesitations on #3 "The kindest thing someone has ever done for me..." based on some of your above analysis...
Some of my favorite prompts are among the ones they are getting rid of, like the biggest risk you've ever taken prompt. This one has given me insight into where guys fall on the spectrum of taking a lot of risks versus sheltering themselves. To me that's one of the questions that helps people align themselves with others who are more similarly wired.
I guarantee you that the new "Before we meet, you should listen to" prompt is going to generate a lot of disciplinary directive instructions from guys.
It's interesting to see that being a high risk taker is one of the signs of an anti-social personality. Being a high risk taker is one of the signs associated with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). That includes impulsivity and a tendency to engage in unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behaviors, often with little or no regard for the safety of themselves or others
For clarity, those new Hinge prompts are:
“In my friend group, I’m the one who…” – Highlight your role within your social circle and how you’ll fit into each other’s community.
“Before we meet, you should listen to…” – Share a piece of your world (like a favorite song or podcast) to set the stage for an in-person date.
“It’s not a vacation unless…” – Reveal what defines a true getaway or downtime for you, and discover how a match’s idea of fun aligns with yours.
Personally, I would only answer #3. Prompt 1 & 2 give abusers too much information and they can fake their support for these things.
I actually like the: "Before we meet you should listen to ..." prompt very much, especially if you also answer it yourself. It doesn't have to be anything deep, but you could share your favourite comedian or a podcast about your strange hobby/interest or the latest opinion piece on the NYT podcast.
I think it's a great conversation starter and you can see if your humour or political views etc align. At the same time you can see if they took the time to listen to yours.
I do think it could be a great conversation starter, if the man honestly loves the same things you do. But for a man who's just trying to manipulate you, it gives them a window into your soul that they can mirror back to you.
So the next follow up question would be: "What is your favorite podcast from this person and why?"
Thanks for clarifying, I thought perhaps the ones at the bottom of the announcement on the carousel were all new. Agree with you re # 3 from this list would be the most 'safe'.
I also won't consider any guy who uses the "Two truths and a lie" prompt. Why on earth would one choose to begin a relationship that requires trust to be successful with a blatant lie to ones partner?
Thank you for these. I feel very naive and too trusting. I really need this kind of clarity
I've used Hinge prompt about what I've learned from therapy and just wrote: "The attachment style we develop during the first months of life impacts our relationships when adults".
My goal was to find people who were, at least, conscious about the attachment theory. Is it still a bad idea? @JennieYoung